Feeling stuck

[Red123]

My H affair was 3.5 months long and that includes all contact from the flirty chat to the LC with no in person meetings for the last month. I read stories on here about long term As that appear way harder to accept than my situation, so I feel bad sometimes feeling the way I do. My H and I were in such a bad place before the A and I was feeling like we were doomed after 17 years together. He has completely changed and I like him way more now, he is the man I have always wanted. The truth is I can't think of anything that would have shaken us up to wake us up like this has, but I still feel so low. I am 5 months out of Dday and I still have days of feeling devastated. I know people say that 5 months is not that long but it feels like an eternity. We could be having the best day and then the thought pops in.......he had an A, am I fooling myself into believing we can really R. The OW ha attempted contact twice since he sent the NC letter and he has dealt with it very clearly and shown me all of the communication. I don't have to deal with the OW(other than irritation with attempted contact) he is doing everything right by what I have read is the right way, so why am I so stuck? Sorry this was so long I really needed to vent and I have limited resources at home.

[snappytomcat]

red

my husbands a lasted 3 years,they met online,and she lives on opposite coast.

well 5 months after dday,a good friend of mines,son had passed away,due to a heroin overdose,i felt so much sadness,for the loss of her precious son,and 3 months after he passed,i went and sat with her,and we were talking,and I said to her,how stupid ive been feeling that I got cheated on yes,and its hurts,but losing a child is much,much worse,and she said pain is pain,no matter what has caused it

I will never forget her words

[fellini]

You feel stuck because going NC, ending the A, all the things he has to do, etc, is one thing. ON the other side is the healing you have to do from the revelation. It doesn't matter if he is a saint now, you still need your own time to process, to get through the pain of discovery, to pass through the various stages of being a BS. The ambivalence and switching from anger / hate / recovery / patience / impatience, and the "intrusions" and triggers all take time.

 

I also used a self hypnosis programme for clearing the mind at night about triggers. (Google Self hypnosis with Roger Elliot) Powerful technique to push the triggers out of the deeper recesses of the mind.

 

I am not going to tell you how long you have to wait, this is not something anyone can predict. It sure helps that he is doing all the right things, but this is NOT a faucet which needs fixing and the leak will stop. You can probably best help yourself by reading a little on what to expect due to disclosure.

 

Shirley Glass is pretty good. Mira Kirshenbaum is good. Others talk about some Dr. here, but I've heard he comes from the school of blame the BS, so Im not going to suggest something I haven't read. Shirley Glass helped me A LOT understanding the process of recovery.

 

Sounds like you are on the right path, but what is at the end of this process is still an open book, to be honest.

[KathyM]

You feel guilty/bad for not being able to just get over it (the affair)? Being betrayed often takes years to recover from, and is a terrible blow to the BS. Just because your husband's affair was a more short term thing rather than several months/years long doesn't make it more palatable or easy to deal with. You say the affair is what brought you ultimately to work on your marriage/relationship. If your husband had threatened divorce, I venture to say that would have been a wake up call to work on your marriage if you wanted to stay in the marriage, but instead he chose the deceptive, self serving, dishonorable choice to betray you, instead of bringing out his feelings into the open where you could both work on your marital issues. It's unfortunate he chose the deceptive/dishonest route instead. You certainly have no cause for feeling guilty/bad about not "getting over the affair". This is something that usually takes many months or years to recover from. Some people never do truly recover from the broken trust and insecurity about the relationship that the affair caused.

[Red123]

red

my husbands a lasted 3 years,they met online,and she lives on opposite coast.

well 5 months after dday,a good friend of mines,son had passed away,due to a heroin overdose,i felt so much sadness,for the loss of her precious son,and 3 months after he passed,i went and sat with her,and we were talking,and I said to her,how stupid ive been feeling that I got cheated on yes,and its hurts,but losing a child is much,much worse,and she said pain is pain,no matter what has caused it

I will never forget her words

 

Those are powerful words especially coming from a woman that has so much excruciating pain to live with. I can totally relate to how you felt when speaking to her. I lost my youngest sister when she was very young and watching my mother go through her loss has been on my mind a lot during the past few months. I have had feelings of guilt for being so stuck with this when I have experienced far worse loss and watched my mother as well. I guess it is true that we have to take each pain for what it is in our lives and this does hurt whether or not it compares to other losses or not it is a major loss. Thank you for your post.

[Red123]

Thank you Fellini, I am definitely looking into doing some reading as I want a better understanding of myself. Kathy I completely agree that he took the wrong way out and we have discussed that many times. When everything came out I told him he could go and that his A wasn't necessary if he wanted out. He didn't take the offer and claims it was a serious wake up call. It's not that I think I should be over it, but I would love to be. I would love to not think about this everyday. I can go more time with not thinking about it but its still always there. I am even sick of talking about it with him, which was my lifeline for the past few months. I guess I have just hit a wall, I know this will not be fixed overnight but that would be great if it could be.

[KathyM]

Thank you Fellini, I am definitely looking into doing some reading as I want a better understanding of myself. Kathy I completely agree that he took the wrong way out and we have discussed that many times. When everything came out I told him he could go and that his A wasn't necessary if he wanted out. He didn't take the offer and claims it was a serious wake up call. It's not that I think I should be over it, but I would love to be. I would love to not think about this everyday. I can go more time with not thinking about it but its still always there. I am even sick of talking about it with him, which was my lifeline for the past few months. I guess I have just hit a wall, I know this will not be fixed overnight but that would be great if it could be.

I'm sorry. I know you want this to be over and to start to feel normal again and be able to trust and be able to enjoy your relationship again. But it takes a lot of time to regain that trust and that confidence in the relationship after it has experienced such a blow. If you were able to put it out of mind and deal with it easily, you would likely be in denial and avoiding dealing with it, and that is not a good way to heal.

[Red123]

Kathy I agree living in denial would be much worse in the long run. I have never been able to deal with anything in my life in that manner. It's more of a foolish desire than something I know is possible. I am normally a very strong and bold person so the fact that I can't just fix this like I do at work is killing me. Thanks for your words. All of them help and help to not feel alone.

[frogss29]

I think an A is such a hard thing to wrap your mind around. You and I are in a similar timeline. I have only just started having control over my feelings. I have a few close friends and a wonderful mother who I can vent to and that has definitely helped me. My husband sounds like yours.......VERY sorry, VERY ashamed, definitely doing everything to restore our marriage.

For me, my biggest fear is I have always trusted him.

And I am scared to trust again.

THAT is what is holding me back.

That is what fuels my angst.

But I have come to realise that if I am wanting my marriage to heal and continue, I have to move on too.

So, that is what I am trying to do.

I know it is VERY early days. And I know I will have those awful times again when the hurt envelopes me. Just trying to stretch out the happy times.

I somehow think there is no easy way through it.

[Red123]

Frogs I completely understand what you are saying with the trust and the fear. I have been with my H since we were 18 years old and I always trusted him. Neither of us have ever relied on anyone the way we have with each other including our family members. So not being able to trust him is so heartbreaking. He like your H is very remorseful and I believe he truly understands the depth of his betrayal and he is so ashamed. I want to move on for me the most. I want happiness again and I want to feel whole again. I know this will take time but it feels like time is moving so slowly. Like you I too want my M but I know that the only way to have it again is THROUGH this pain. I wish you the best in your R and I hope you are able to regain the trust. I hope I can one day too.

[frogss29]

I have been married twice as long as you.......and I felt that although our time together was happy, it was a little in a rut. But I thought that was normal because of the length of time and our age.

Well, if I have to look for the silver lining of all this I can honestly say we are happier now! (when we aren't caught up in the absolute misery and pain of the A, that is)

We communicate. We laugh. We have a great sex life. We have addressed issues and we prioritise each other.

So, out of the hell of the A has come happiness

[Red123]

I'm glad that out of the destruction there is hope and happiness. I too agree that things are so much better in every way for us except the gleaming pain from the A. I wish you well and I hope that the good stays after the pain has vanished. I wish that you and for myself and all who are in similar situations.

[waterwoman]

It took me a long time to 'get over it'. It will be two years in June. I would say I am only now beginning to complete my healing. And feel better about my marriage than I have for years.

 

One thing I would say is that although I beleive healing has to come from within, the environment for healing has to be right too. You have to feel confident in your H. For the first year after dday H DID all the right things, went NC, held me when I cried, said he was sorry...but all these things seemed to when I asked him for them. He was in a haze of his own confusion too. For the first few months he was missing OW (ouch) but more importantly he was stunned by the chaos HE had caused. He hadn't read the manual 'How to Recover from Cheating on your Loyal Supportive Wife, You Bastard!' and was floundering.

 

At some point last summer he got it - out of the blue he told me that he didn't think he had ever loved her. And then he began to say the things I needed to hear, that he had punished me unjustly for something I had never done, that he was 100% to blame, that he had never carried his weight in the marriage, that she boosted his ego, that he had damaged me by his actions..... And the more he takes the blame, the more he see what he has done to me, the more I can open up to him and genuinely forgive him. And the more I heal.

 

But it takes time. It takes time. Hang on in there xx

[gettingstronger]

I am 14 months past dday and I still struggle with what I call processing it all-the day to day pain of the little details is better but I still can not get past the betrayal aspect of it- my husband thinks I don't trust him and thats not the case- I am just still really hurt by his actions, his lies still sting-

He is doing all the heavy work for sure and things between us feel awesome-we are close and loving, communicate and have a very intimate relationship but beneath the surface there is still pain for both of us-

Hang in there, what you feel is normal and although the last 5 months have felt like a lifetime you are still pretty fresh in all of this-

 

Keep talking, keep processing and it will get a bit better everyday-

[notserene]

I wish you well. It has only been 2 months since our D day and there are days that are better than others.

[Red123]

Only two months. How are you doing with everything? At two months I was more of a mess for sure. But looking back is how I know things are getting better even when I get like I am now.

[Snowflower]

Red, don't short change yourself here.

 

I see you in the rationalizing stage where you are trying to convince yourself that your husband's A wasn't all that bad. You appear to be trying to compare it to ssomething you see as worse, a longer affair or the death of a close family member.

 

This thought process is unfair to you, Red. Sure, there can be other painful things in life but what your H did to you and your marriage was hurtful all on its own. There is no need to compare.

 

I know this because I tried to do the same thing and I tried to hold onto that belief for years-which was far too long. In other words, I was being unfair to myself.

 

After coming through all that the hard way, my advice to you is to treat your husband's affair as pretty much the worst possible thing. Please don't compare it to other horrible things that have/could happen/ed. Please don't minimize what happened either just because it was a short affair and/or your marriage was in a bad spot beforehand. That is what cheating spouses do...don't do it to yourself.

[Red123]

I see your point for sure. I really am not trying to minimize it for him. I want to look at the whole situation to help me through this pain. I know this A was a horrible thing but I can't ignore the other things that contributed to our M being in such a bad place and a lot of it was from my end. I don't like to admit that but it's true. The other side is that I am just such an emotional mess and don't feel comfortable talking to a lot of people in RL so when I come on here I ask a lot of questions and throw out statements to get others perspectives to see if it will help. I guess in my life vulnerability is not something I can show easily, due to my personality and my position at work as well so for me right now this is the place I feel I can. Thank you for the support I appreciate it but I assure I am stronger than I appear sometimes. Did you R with your spouse or you leave?

[dichotomy]

My dealing with it took years and years and is still triggered when there are issues in the marriage. One thing I have to work on is not to "go there" when we are having issues that really are not exactly related to the affair and OM specifically. Ya know.... something like she has to postpone date night because or working late or not feeling well or the baby sitter is not available - and I think "f u - you never missed an opportunity to hook up with OM back in the day -you found a way with HIM!" When really we are years out now and this is just normal married life - and perhaps not fair of me to keep beating her up. Sigh...its never the same marriage.

 

Count what you can - your husband sounds very remorseful and has turned around. Its not always that way with all WS - fog and hesitation and uncertainty and blame shifting often occurs - making things harder for BS.

 

I trust that my wife ...has a weakness in this area. She has grown and is not the same person exactly, but this is her weakness. I have mine own as well. I can't trust in perfect flawless human beings who will never hurt anyone or fall down - they don't exist.

 

Isn't there any way to block the OW from contacting your husband ? Change cell number or email or block on media?

 

Recently also - the MC suggested trigger words for when either of us is going to go there or we need to head off things. These halt the other - by understanding "oh oh - word said - need to step back or say sorry or hug". For instance if we are lightly arguing and about to spin out of control into a major fight - I say" Storm!" and she backs off and we stop. If there is something trigger the affair or OM in my mind or heart - I say "rabbit hole" (got this here on LS) and she understands what is happening is making me go down the path of remembering her affair and she says "sorry" and helps change the situation.

Edited April 30, 2014 by dichotomy

[nightmare01]

I really am not trying to minimize it for him. I want to look at the whole situation to help me through this pain.I know this A was a horrible thing but I can't ignore the other things that contributed to our M being in such a bad place and a lot of it was from my end.I don't like to admit that but it's true.

 

IMO you need to separate the M from the affair in your mind. The 2 are not related.

 

Were you in that bad M too? And yet you did not cheat.

 

In many cases the stuff that makes up *bad marriage* comes from the WS pre-affair actions. They are distancing themselves. Setting up barriers. Finding fault with you. All done to justify what they are thinking about doing.

 

During the early part of my WWs EA (eventually became a PA too) I bought tickets for us to have a vacation in europe together. It was a surprise anniversary present. When I showed her the tickets WW got insanely angry and said I was a horrible person for trying to control her. So my buying vacation tickets made our M bad.

[notserene]

Only two months. How are you doing with everything? At two months I was more of a mess for sure. But looking back is how I know things are getting better even when I get like I am now.

 

I have good days and bad days. Keeping busy with work and the kids helps me a lot. It's the 3 a.m. insomnia and anxiety that get to me.

 

We are trying to make time for us as a couple and we are enjoying each other's company - I think that's a good sign.

[Snowflower]

I see your point for sure. I really am not trying to minimize it for him. I want to look at the whole situation to help me through this pain. I know this A was a horrible thing but I can't ignore the other things that contributed to our M being in such a bad place and a lot of it was from my end. I don't like to admit that but it's true. The other side is that I am just such an emotional mess and don't feel comfortable talking to a lot of people in RL so when I come on here I ask a lot of questions and throw out statements to get others perspectives to see if it will help. I guess in my life vulnerability is not something I can show easily, due to my personality and my position at work as well so for me right now this is the place I feel I can. Thank you for the support I appreciate it but I assure I am stronger than I appear sometimes. Did you R with your spouse or you leave?

 

I didn't think you were trying to minimize it for him nor do I think you are not be strong person!

 

I just think you are still trying to

 

rationalize the affair to yourself and like you said, you get stuck. Trust me, I've been there too! Perhaps I am not explaining myself well but sort of like the other poster said, you should separate yourself from the marriage. I'm not assuming that you're not but you seem quick to point out the problems in your marriage before his A. To this I say, so what? It didn't give him a license to go out and cheat. That just compounded all those problems and solved nothing, right?

 

So you had some problems that as you say you contributed to. How did his decision to cheat even begin to help that? ALL his decisions did was pour gasoline on an already burning fire.

 

As I said, I did the same thing. I tried to explain my husband's affair away To Myself. It ultimately didn't work because somewhere deep down I knew he had done a horrific thing to me and our marriage because he was selfish. Once I was able to say that to myself and accept it, then I could move forward but it took a long time. I wasted a lot of energy trying to excuse his choices in my own mind.

 

Yes, we are still married. His affair was 5+ years ago and lasted about 5 months.He tried very hard and yes, we are closer now but it was a hard road and I handled many things badly which wasn't so great for my own well-being. I like to say I took the long way around. Hope that makes sense.

Edited April 30, 2014 by Snowflower
typing on a tablet...sorry for the typos!

[Red123]

My dealing with it took years and years and is still triggered when there are issues in the marriage. One thing I have to work on is not to "go there" when we are having issues that really are not exactly related to the affair and OM specifically. Ya know.... something like she has to postpone date night because or working late or not feeling well or the baby sitter is not available - and I think "f u - you never missed an opportunity to hook up with OM back in the day -you found a way with HIM!" When really we are years out now and this is just normal married life - and perhaps not fair of me to keep beating her up. Sigh...its never the same marriage.

 

Count what you can - your husband sounds very remorseful and has turned around. Its not always that way with all WS - fog and hesitation and uncertainty and blame shifting often occurs - making things harder for BS.

 

I trust that my wife ...has a weakness in this area. She has grown and is not the same person exactly, but this is her weakness. I have mine own as well. I can't trust in perfect flawless human beings who will never hurt anyone or fall down - they don't exist.

 

Isn't there any way to block the OW from contacting your husband ? Change cell number or email or block on media?

 

Recently also - the MC suggested trigger words for when either of us is going to go there or we need to head off things. These halt the other - by understanding "oh oh - word said - need to step back or say sorry or hug". For instance if we are lightly arguing and about to spin out of control into a major fight - I say" Storm!" and she backs off and we stop. If there is something trigger the affair or OM in my mind or heart - I say "rabbit hole" (got this here on LS) and she understands what is happening is making me go down the path of remembering her affair and she says "sorry" and helps change the situation.

 

Thank you for the suggestions and the perspective from someone who has been working through this for a long time. Where I am sometimes(like today) it feels so impossible, so your post has given me some hope. As far as the MOW she is blocked on social media, IM at his work(their main form of contact during the A) and he even closed his LinkedIn because she was creeping it everyday( it shows who's viewed) but the last contact went to his work email from her personal email so I guess we left one out. She doesn't call him or text him because they didn't really use that during the A. She called once from a number he didn't know during LC and I happened to be there. He didn't talk to her and I made him text to see what she wanted. I guess I just have to wait and see if he is being totally honest about their contact. Since NC I believe I have seen all communication but only time will tell. I have made my deal breakers clear and now it's up to him.

[Red123]

I didn't think you were trying to minimize it for him nor do I think you are not be strong person!

 

I just think you are still trying to

 

rationalize the affair to yourself and like you said, you get stuck. Trust me, I've been there too! Perhaps I am not explaining myself well but sort of like the other poster said, you should separate yourself from the marriage. I'm not assuming that you're not but you seem quick to point out the problems in your marriage before his A. To this I say, so what? It didn't give him a license to go out and cheat. That just compounded all those problems and solved nothing, right?

 

So you had some problems that as you say you contributed to. How did his decision to cheat even begin to help that? ALL his decisions did was pour gasoline on an already burning fire.

 

As I said, I did the same thing. I tried to explain my husband's affair away To Myself. It ultimately didn't work because somewhere deep down I knew he had done a horrific thing to me and our marriage because he was selfish. Once I was able to say that to myself and accept it, then I could move forward but it took a long time. I wasted a lot of energy trying to excuse his choices in my own mind.

 

Yes, we are still married. His affair was 5+ years ago and lasted about 5 months.He tried very hard and yes, we are closer now but it was a hard road and I handled many things badly which wasn't so great for my own well-being. I like to say I took the long way around. Hope that makes sense.

 

It definitely makes sense. I think you are probably right. I tend to try to rationalize everything in my life but the truth is that there isn't anything rational about what has happened. I guess I'm really afraid that if I have to truly see it for what it fully is I may give up with R. Days like today that's how I feel. On stronger days I feel like I can face it but I never know what kind of day it will be when I start it and that feels so wrong. Thanks so much for your words and for sharing with me.

[Red123]

Last night my H and I were discussing his A. A few posts ago I got some advice on here to have set days each week to discuss it so that it is not constantly talked about and I have been trying to stick to it with a few slip ups. I have thought that my H has fully understood the weight of his actions and the severity of my pain. Last night when we were discussing the timeline we starting talking about the other things going on at that time such as our daughters 18th birthday, my sisters death anniversary and his mother staying with us in our small home. All of these things occurred in September which was the month that his A was active the rest of the time was LC with no meetings. It was like a bomb went off in him and he started saying that he can't believe how selfish he was and all of the things he wasn't there for me for and that he can't ask me to continue to R because the things he has done are too bad and it is unfair. We argued for a while and he said he doesn't want to continue to R. This has been very hard and I am still struggling immensely, it is 5 months since DDay. I sobbed and went to bed. He joined me minutes later and we fell asleep. This morning he took our youngest to gymnastics and started texting that he is lost, he feels so low and that he is such a horrible person. He asked me if he could fix what happened the night before because he can't imagine his life without me. The problem is I woke up still very sad but with a weight off my shoulders. I don't know if I feel this way because the sobbing relieved so much stress and that he really gets what this has done to us. Or am I feeling free now that he has kind of released me. I love this man and we have been together for 17 years and we have worked very hard together. I would love some input from those who have been through R and your take on this. It is so hard to see things when you are in them. Thanks in advance.