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crush on a coworker


mademoiselle

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mademoiselle

Hi.I can't beleive I am here about to ask total strangers for advice when I probably know the answer already but well, I am a little messed up right now. I am married (16 year relationship, 11 years married) no big realtionship problems really. This has never happened before so it caught me quite off guard...I have a crush on a coworker. He likes me too but respects that I am married so nothing has happened. Every time I think about him(which is often) I feel like I am cheating. He fills my head, I get nervous around him, I crave his voice. It's like insanity! I feel like a teenager. What does this mean about my marriage? Should I force myself to just get over the guy or do I take a look at what is wrong in my marriage or both? arhhh please help!:(

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purplesorrow
Hi.I can't beleive I am here about to ask total strangers for advice when I probably know the answer already but well, I am a little messed up right now. I am married (16 year relationship, 11 years married) no big realtionship problems really. This has never happened before so it caught me quite off guard...I have a crush on a coworker. He likes me too but respects that I am married so nothing has happened. Every time I think about him(which is often) I feel like I am cheating. He fills my head, I get nervous around him, I crave his voice. It's like insanity! I feel like a teenager. What does this mean about my marriage? Should I force myself to just get over the guy or do I take a look at what is wrong in my marriage or both? arhhh please help!:(

Maybe some self exploration? A heart to heart with your spouse? Why are you giving him so much free rent in your head? Use that space to spice things up with your husband if you want to stay in your marriage. I feel like if you are doing something you wouldn't do in front of your spouse, it is cheating. But that's just me. Sadly, my husband's innocent crush on a co worker lead us to an up and coming divorce. Best of luck to you.

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James-London

don't run off and have an affair with this co-worker.... If you spend just a little bit of time on this site you will find it full of stories of people feeling regret and remorse for mistakes they made.

 

maybe this co-worker is the right guy for you. if so - you could leave your husband to be with him. But are you ready to do that?... I would go off and spend some quality time with your husband (perhaps a holiday?) and try to rediscover what you love about your husband. If there are problems in your relationship, try to urgently identify them - AND TALK ABOUT THEM WITH YOUR HUSBAND.

 

try to work out what you like in the other guy. Is he meeting needs that your husband is not?.... Or if he is genuinely the man of your dreams, you can leave your husband for him. but don't cheat on anyone. nobody deserves that.

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mademoiselle

Thanks for the thoughtfull answers! I almost deleted my poste because I was affraid I would get hate mail. The suggestions I have received are very helpfull. It is also a relief to talk about it, just to get it out of my head! I am going to dedicate the next 6 months to saving my marriage and see what happens. thanks again!

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You're in lust right now. It's not abnormal. You just need to know not to act on it.

 

I think it's probably highlighted the fact you may be bored in your marriage. No problems, but not much excitement either.

 

I agree with the heart-to-heart with your husband. But don't hold back and make sure you say what's on your mind. If you pussyfoot around it, your message won't get across and you probably won't see any change.

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Just imagine how you would feel if the post that you had written was written by your husband? If you have children it is no fun to be divorced and being a single woman with children.

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Before this escalates in the direction I'm pretty sure it's going to go, and if you really love your hubby and don't want to ruin his or your life with the incredibly stupid mistake I feel sure you're going to make with this guy, tell him that you have no desire to get close to him and that you're concentrating on your marriage. If you find this impossible to do, thanks to all the pittering and pattering your heart is going through, then for God's sake GET A DIFFERENT JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Divorce yourself from the temptation, and NOT your husband.

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James-London

thummper - i think she already said that in her last post. She said above that she was going to try to focus on her marriage.

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mademoiselle

Thanks again James! and for everyone who is concerned... I won't act on this infatuation. I could never hurt my husband like that. We've been through a lot together so I am sure this will come to pass also.

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mademoiselle

I will be leaving this forum beacuse i need to stop thinking about the whole thing. I hope my problem helps someone else though.

Edited by mademoiselle
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I don't think it would be wise to think you can remain on friendly terms with the co worker.

 

The relationship will grow and you will slowly cross lines. If you continue any kind of relationship you find yourself in a full blown affair claiming that you wasn't looking for it, while the truth would be you are looking for one. Your interested and staying engaged is you way of testing the waters all the while thinking I won't go to far. Then you go to far.

 

Also leaving the site won't help you stop thinking about it. Understanding the dangers is the only thing that will prevent it at this point.

 

Hang around, and learn from the mistakes of others.

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Get the book, Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass. It's a small investment and will help you immensely with your perspective on affairs and how to better protect your marriage with boundaries. Determination to not act is many times insufficient.

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Ok, the first thing is yes you are right when you saying you are cheating, well..kind of. What you are doing is essentially an emotional affair. Thinking about some other man often? That isn't just feeling like you are cheating, that is cheating probably, or getting very very close to it, dangerously close. However, it seems you want it to stop so that is good. Here is the thing though, you need to quit your job or transfer or do whatever you need to do, but you can no longer work around this other man if you want your marriage to work.

 

If you want any shot at your marriage surviving this, begin making plans immediately to leave or transfer or do whatever you need to do. This is something you need to do tomorrow, it shouldn't be put off. Do whatever you need to do to get the ball rolling, but the first part in focusing on your marriage is getting this "crush" out of your life. Careers come and go, but a partner is forever. It's easier to find another job(even in this economy) then it is to find another soul mate.

Edited by Spectre
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Running Man

Yeah right, He'll respect your marriage until he convinces you drop your panties and screw over your "11" year marriage. Have you already started looking for negative criticism of your husband to justify your future "affair"?

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Man Mountain Makino

You don't really know him that well, so most likely you have a crush on a figment of your imagination. You created a person in your mind that bears resemblance to someone you actually know, but you've created most of the details.

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