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BS staying for financial reasons.


BurnedAndLost

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BurnedAndLost

So, the relationship I have had with my partner has been awful ever since DD in the fall of 2012. I wanted to reconcile, but it now has become clear that we will never be good again.

He is nit cheating now, but I don't doubt he will do it again...

 

The problem is, I don't think I can leave. We have a 3.5 year old son who does not talk yet (only has about 5 words ) and I am positive he will be diagnosed with autism or some other disability in the next coming months.

 

I do not want to raise a special needs child alone. We also are struggling financially and it would be even worse if we broke up. I would most likely would have to move back in my father's house where my brother also lives. Neither of them care for my son very much and prefer his normally developing cousin to him.

 

 

I doubt any man would want to date a single woman with a child who would probably never be able to leave home. Hell most men don't want to date a single mom of a ''normal'' child. So it's not like I would ever know what it is to be loved by another, anyway.

 

I don't see a happy life for myself if I stay or go. So, I feel like I might as well not do it alone.

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What kind of a father is he? Does he leave you to do most of the parenting?

 

Do you have any other options for a place to live besides your family?

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Do not compromise happiness for financial help. It's not worth it. I am sorry about your son but if you leave your partner will have to help you no matter what.

 

You say it's been awful since 2012. Why extend the pain when you know he will cheat again and under your nose?

 

Have faith that if you leave it will work itself out. You may have more options than you think. Do not depend on this guy.

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BurnedAndLost
What kind of a father is he? Does he leave you to do most of the parenting?

 

Do you have any other options for a place to live besides your family?

 

He is a great father, actually.

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BurnedAndLost
Do not compromise happiness for financial help. It's not worth it. I am sorry about your son but if you leave your partner will have to help you no matter what.

 

You say it's been awful since 2012. Why extend the pain when you know he will cheat again and under your nose?

 

Have faith that if you leave it will work itself out. You may have more options than you think. Do not depend on this guy.

Like what though? Most stories like mine don't have happy endings. The fact that single mothers of special needs kids have the highest rates of depression out of everyone in the entire country, says something.

How many of these women end up taking care of their special needs child until they die (often alone ). Some people think I am being too cynical, but I think I am looking at my life from a realistic point of view.

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Hope Shimmers

I have to laugh when I read responses that say "just do it! The financial stuff will work itself out (somehow)! Be happy!" with no real concept of how that can happen.

 

I think you are being responsible. I also don't think that means you have to stay married to this man forever. Maybe wait until you get more information on your son's future prognosis so you have a bit more idea what to expect. Your H will have to pay child support and possibly alimony, and I think if you can get a consultation with an attorney to review your options and tell you what your financial situation will be if you divorce, that is your best bet. Don't rush into anything....

 

You are worth loving, and so is your son, so do not even think that you won't be able to have a future with another man.

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gettingstronger

You need more help and advice than anyone on here can give. You should seek counseling to help you formulate a plan. Early intervention is critical for your child and is normally free through public education even for pre school age children. I would advise two things for you, individual counseling for you and a child health advocate for your child. Your child's diagnosing doctor should be able to refer you or google it for your location. Slow down and take a deep breath before you decide all is lost. Best of luck to you.

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I agree that you shouldn't let financial considerations be the only reason why you stay with him.

 

I have a friend who is the single parent of a 3 year old boy with developmental issues and it is very hard. Even so, she said that her life would be harder if she were still married to his father and had to deal with his issues (he is an alcoholic) as well.

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Solution: Open relationship.

 

Here is how this idea would work. Both of you allow each other to see other people and you would be a happy family at home for your child. I know of a couple with this arrangement and everyone is actually happy in it.

 

Your partner has his OW (if he chooses), and you have your OM. You both inform your respective OM/OW of your situations and pretty much have an affair type relationship without the lies and deceit of course. Your respective OM/OW would have to respect the fact that you and your partner need to sleep under the same roof almost every night for your child. There are plenty of people willing to go by this arrangement with intent to marry in the future and obviously move in together eventually. It will be no different to having two homes for your child like any other child with divorced parents who re-married.

 

It may sound ridiculous ^ but I wrote that with your happiness in mind. But then again, aren't we all willing to do crazy things for our long term happiness?

 

I feel for you. Good luck :)

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Being you think it better to stay married then you need to learn how to have a better marriage.

 

 

Dr Harley has 2 books to enable you to reach that goal.

 

 

Surviving An Affair, to repair the damage and recover from the affair.

 

 

His Needs Her Needs, to have a better marriage

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BurnedAndLost
Solution: Open relationship.

 

Here is how this idea would work. Both of you allow each other to see other people and you would be a happy family at home for your child. I know of a couple with this arrangement and everyone is actually happy in it.

 

Your partner has his OW (if he chooses), and you have your OM. You both inform your respective OM/OW of your situations and pretty much have an affair type relationship without the lies and deceit of course. Your respective OM/OW would have to respect the fact that you and your partner need to sleep under the same roof almost every night for your child. There are plenty of people willing to go by this arrangement with intent to marry in the future and obviously move in together eventually. It will be no different to having two homes for your child like any other child with divorced parents who re-married.

 

It may sound ridiculous ^ but I wrote that with your happiness in mind. But then again, aren't we all willing to do crazy things for our long term happiness?

 

I feel for you. Good luck :)

He would never agree to that.

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MuddyFootprints
Being you think it better to stay married then you need to learn how to have a better marriage.

 

I won't endorse Harley, I haven't actually read his books. I do, however, know that this is true.

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I think you are making a mistake AND making assumptions.

 

I just recently got married to a man who believed as you did and he stayed in a thankless marriage many years beyond what he wanted or should have because of an autistic child.

 

Even being a woman who never wanted children, I was drawn to him and his family (50% custody). He was shocked that he wanted to be married again and I was shocked how well it all worked for us.

 

Don't dismiss a better life for yourself because of a child - especially a special-needs child who may very well be more intune to strife in the family home.

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Being you think it better to stay married then you need to learn how to have a better marriage.

 

 

Dr Harley has 2 books to enable you to reach that goal.

 

 

Surviving An Affair, to repair the damage and recover from the affair.

 

 

His Needs Her Needs, to have a better marriage

 

 

Aside from that, you deserve to be loved. There ARE men out there who will love you and be there for your son. I have a special needs child who is SO loved by my guy, who is not his bio father.

 

It does happen. Don't be afraid.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed degoatory language
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BurnedAndLost

I do not know for sure if he is autistic or not. It's just every time I research speech delays autism is the only thing that pops up.

He has signs of not being autisic. He points, follows points, returns smiles, understands the concept of things like high fives, likes cuddles, waves bye and hi and makes eye contact...

I am assuming worse case scenario here.

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He would never agree to that.

 

Why not? If you like the idea, just bring it up casually and the worst he can do is disagree to it. Best case, he would agree and even be supportive.

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amaysngrace

Major case of déjà vu...

 

What are you doing besides looking up the worse case scenarios? Statistics on autism, statistics on the depression of mothers who have special needs children, statistics on single motherhood, etc. and also making assumptions about what your husband will or will not go for without ever speaking to him or assumptions about the way every man feels about women with special needs children.

 

How is any of this helping to enhance the quality of your life exactly?

 

Your entire thought process is jaded as far as I can see and the best thing you can do for yourself would be to speak to someone about it to help you gain a different perspective instead of being stuck in the hole of dark thinking.

 

And if you aren't willing to do that then at least have the good common sense to stay the hell away from Google.

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I do not know for sure if he is autistic or not. It's just every time I research speech delays autism is the only thing that pops up.

He has signs of not being autisic. He points, follows points, returns smiles, understands the concept of things like high fives, likes cuddles, waves bye and hi and makes eye contact...

I am assuming worse case scenario here.

 

There is a condition called apraxia that my 4 year old daughter has. It's a brain development issue. The part of the brain that controls speech doesn't develop properly and this causes speech delay. Sort of like what happens with a stroke. But like a stroke, the brain can compensate and find different pathways to learn speech. It requires speech therapy. So there are indeed non-autistic causes for speech delay that involve few if any words.

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OP... my son was the same way when he was your son's age and now he talks ALL the time. He's older now and yes he struggles in school but it's manageable. You are thinking worst case scenario but that may not be the case. He may come into his own with support services. I do hope you have contacted the school and had him evaluated. They are required to help him. Educate yourself on the special education process. It's daunting but I have some expertise in this area so if you need advice don't be afraid to pm me.

 

I was also in your case exactly with being with his father who had cheated before and then cheated again. He's gone now and it's a hassle, but we get by. I too felt the exact same way... I'm not going to date anyone anyway, no one wants to date a single mother, especially not one with a child with special needs, and so on and so on. It's only been 6 months that he's been gone but I can't tell you how much better I feel. I feel like a new woman with a new leash on life. It's hard, but it isn't impossible.

 

My advice to you is to start looking at how you can come up with a way to support yourself independently. Make a plan for an exit. If you truly are this unhappy in this relationship, and if you were like me, I was but wasn't willing to admit the truth of it all even to myself of how miserable I really was, then you NEED to figure out how to get out of it.

 

He will HAVE to help you financially, he has no choice in the matter. You deserve better than to be with someone who is going to disrespect you. Even if you are alone, it's better than being with someone who doesn't treat you right and your child will be better off in the long run if you are happier.

 

It's hard. I know it is. It's even harder when you put up your own road blocks and say that it can't be done. It CAN be done, you just have to find a way.

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Try not to make assumptions about your child. He is still young. Take him to the doctor when the time is right.

 

 

Also, Einstein didn't talk until he was 4, apparently. There's also the story of Jacob Barnett and his mother.

 

 

These are exceptions, of course; however, it might no be as all bad as you think ... no need to jump to conclusions or make early diagnoses.

 

 

As the others have said, check out your options with a financial advisor and lawyer.

 

 

The open relationship idea was proposed. Is that a possibility?

 

 

 

Have you been to marriage counseling?

 

 

Best of luck!

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If he is a good dad, and your relationship/home life is not abusive/disrespectful/degrading......then for now stay and take some time to consider the future and what you are seeking in life.

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Speakingofwhich

My cousin, very intelligent and college-educated, didn't say her first word until after the age of three.

 

Also, would it be possible to stay with your H long enough to further your education so that you'll be able to enter a higher paying profession?

 

If not, then possibly start a home-based business that you can cultivate over the next few years so that when you leave your H you'd have a good source of income?

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  • 2 months later...
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BurnedAndLost

Update. My son is still not talking completely, but he has more words. While he was in school they never said anything about autism... They just said he is improving....

 

My partner and I are doing better. We recently got back on a 3 week trip from puerto rico.

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