How should the fWS feel?

[anne1707]

Threads crop up now and then which touch on how fWS may think or feel about the AP. Sometimes it is how they must surely think fondly. Others are maybe along the lines of feeling disgust. As a fWS of several years now I actually feel neither. I still work with the exOM but he is purely a colleague. In terms of feelings, thoughts, etc, I am indifferent to him.

 

Long term, how do you think a fWS should feel about the exAP assuming that they have reconciled with the BS? And how do you think they actually do feel in reality?

[BHsigh]

Threads crop up now and then which touch on how fWS may think or feel about the AP. Sometimes it is how they must surely think fondly. Others are maybe along the lines of feeling disgust. As a fWS of several years now I actually feel neither. I still work with the exOM but he is purely a colleague. In terms of feelings, thoughts, etc, I am indifferent to him.

 

Long term, how do you think a fWS should feel about the exAP assuming that they have reconciled with the BS? And how do you think they actually do feel in reality?

 

I think that after at least a year or so, a FWS shouldn't feel anything whatsoever towards the AP, they should barely exist in their mind.

 

Indifference I's a good word.

[anne1707]

I think that after at least a year or so, a FWS shouldn't feel anything whatsoever towards the AP, they should barely exist in their mind.

 

And how do you think they actually do feel?

[sunburned]

Threads crop up now and then which touch on how fWS may think or feel about the AP. Sometimes it is how they must surely think fondly. Others are maybe along the lines of feeling disgust. As a fWS of several years now I actually feel neither. I still work with the exOM but he is purely a colleague. In terms of feelings, thoughts, etc, I am indifferent to him.

 

Long term, how do you think a fWS should feel about the exAP assuming that they have reconciled with the BS? And how do you think they actually do feel in reality?

 

They should feel indifference as you do. I always felt that was the holy grail of affair recovery. After years, that seems reasonable. For me it's been 8 mos NC and not there just yet. In reality I still feel some minor pangs for my brief escape fantasy. Definitely feel disgust for my behavior.

 

Just realized u may have been posing this question to the BS. Sorry, I am obviously a former WW.

[BHsigh]

And how do you think they actually do feel?

 

I'm afraid to think too deeply on that.

 

I do know that some feel indifference, like you, and some still remember them fondly, while others hate the memories. I would prefer indifference.

[anne1707]

Sunburned

 

I guess I was aiming more at BS but I think all sides of the triangle will have opinions on this and should be heard

 

I also think it is important for both BS and AP to hear how WS feel. There are not that many of us posting here, especially long term fWS like me.

[Cpt]

I have a question, after R, does it really matter how the fWS feels about the AP?

[anne1707]

I have a question, after R, does it really matter how the fWS feels about the AP?

 

 

Seriously? You think maybe it should not matter to the BS?

[compulsivedancer]

Should feel: indifference (this is the goal I'm shooting for - actually I'm hoping I won't think of him at all. But if I do, indifference).

 

Do feel after 15 months: Conflicted: sometimes disgust, sometimes regret, sometimes anger, sometimes wistfulness, sometimes weariness, sometimes sadness, sometimes jealousy, remorse, very very often insecurity; usually some incredibly confusing combination of the above.

 

In many ways I feel all the same stuff I would feel in a regular breakup, but intensified because of all the pain and anger it's caused. I think the questions and doubts I have are also a lot stronger as a result. In a normal breakup, I probably would've tried to get my questions answered by OM, but that has never been an option for this one.

 

How I think WSs feel over time: I think most WSs have conflicting feelings. I doubt it is usually all remorse or indifference all the time, which is how it tends to be portrayed. I'm sure this depends on the level of betrayal and the emotions involved. For those who had a ONS or fling, yeah, that's probably all they feel. For those who got emotionally involved, it's a hard thing to turn off, even with all the regret, remorse and anger involved.

Edited April 19, 2014 by compulsivedancer

[compulsivedancer]

Good thread, Anne. I've thought about starting one on this topic before, but could never figure out how to word it.

[tbf]

Long term, how do you think a fWS should feel about the exAP assuming that they have reconciled with the BS? And how do you think they actually do feel in reality?

I can't understand the point of this thread since fWSs don't share a hive mind. If betrayed spouses wish to know, they need to ask their fWS, assuming they're still together and if they're still together, they need to trust that the fWS is telling the truth. If they don't believe what the fWS is telling them, they shouldn't still be with them.

[compulsivedancer]

I tried to add this to my above post, but someone had already responded...

 

BSs always indicate on my threads that I should always feel disgust all the time when I think of OM. I think it's hard, when you've had a relationship with someone, to always feel that way about them. If you were only used (or acting as user) and never had other moments, it would be different. And then there are the truly self-loathing WSs who always direct all of that on themselves. This can't be a healthy way to move forward.

 

I struggle with this because I am, at my heart, both very selfish and very insecure. I am never sure if I'm being realistic in my attempts to move on, or selfish. I don't want to poison my psyche with hate, or cling to unhealthiness (whether in breeding hate internally or in having fond thoughts of an unhealthy existence). I worry at times that I am unfeeling and at other times that I am feeling too much.

 

I have poured myself into loving my husband and tried to focus on him. I hope that this will help me eventually reach indifference. I know that it all fades in time, and memories and emotions about the A are less present than they used to be. I know it's still early yet.

[Journee]

Should feel: indifference (this is the goal I'm shooting for - actually I'm hoping I won't think of him at all. But if I do, indifference).

 

Do feel after 15 months: Conflicted: sometimes disgust, sometimes regret, sometimes anger, sometimes wistfulness, sometimes weariness, sometimes sadness, sometimes jealousy, remorse, very very often insecurity; usually some incredibly confusing combination of the above.

 

In many ways I feel all the same stuff I would feel in a regular breakup, but intensified because of all the pain and anger it's caused. I think the questions and doubts I have are also a lot stronger as a result. In a normal breakup, I probably would've tried to get my questions answered by OM, but that has never been an option for this one.

 

How I think WSs feel over time: I think most WSs have conflicting feelings. I doubt it is usually all remorse or indifference all the time, which is how it tends to be portrayed. I'm sure this depends on the level of betrayal and the emotions involved. For those who had a ONS or fling, yeah, that's probably all they feel. For those who got emotionally involved, it's a hard thing to turn off, even with all the regret, remorse and anger involved.

 

 

 

 

I think your last paragraph is my thinking about things. BS want it to be one way or another. At least I did. I didn't want the other women (yes, plural) to mean anything. Will I ever know the truth of the inner workings of my H's mind? Not ever.

 

Being on the other side of all this and gaining some perspective (though still clouded by emotions) I know the internal conflict can be agonizing.

 

To me, it's impossible to know with certainty what another is thinking and feeling about such an intense situation. The emotions are more than likely fluid, ever changing.

[anne1707]

I can't understand the point of this thread since fWSs don't share a hive mind. If betrayed spouses wish to know, they need to ask their fWS, assuming they're still together and if they're still together, they need to trust that the fWS is telling the truth. If they don't believe what the fWS is telling them, they shouldn't still be with them.

 

 

The point of this thread is to discuss what people think should be the case and what they think actually is the case. The point of this thread is to highlight that there is not a one size fits all model.

 

If you think there is no point to this thread or feel unable to contribute then just pass on by.

[anne1707]

Going back to CD's post and the conflict of emotions and thoughts, my view - and personal experience - is that this definitely can happen. However that to me is in the short term if in the first couple of years or so after dday. I am more interested in the longer term perspective of 5 plus years down the line.

[Spectre]

BSs always indicate on my threads that I should always feel disgust all the time when I think of OM. I think it's hard, when you've had a relationship with someone, to always feel that way about them. If you were only used (or acting as user) and never had other moments, it would be different. And then there are the truly self-loathing WSs who always direct all of that on themselves. This can't be a healthy way to move forward.

 

I think it depends on one key fact: did the person you had an affair with know you were married? If they did not, you should definitely just think back upon them with indifference. If this other man knowingly screwed another mans wife? I guess to be honest, I would expect some disgust. This man had no problem participating in the potential destruction of a family. If that DOESN'T disgust you, then I think there is a problem. I'm not saying carry around some intense hatred for him, but yeah..you kinda should be viewing this guy as a scumbag from now on.

[anne1707]

But how do you allow for a fully reconciled marriage if the WS still harbours even negative feelings about the exAP? To me, indifference is the only way. I think the exOM is an ar$e in terms of some of the things he does in his work role but I do not waste any of my time on him at a personal level.

[Spectre]

But how do you allow for a fully reconciled marriage if the WS still harbours even negative feelings about the exAP? To me, indifference is the only way. I think the exOM is an ar$e in terms of some of the things he does in his work role but I do not waste any of my time on him at a personal level.

 

Here is the thing though, you don't need to necessarily harbor negative feelings for a guy to think he is a total scumbag. That is just plain calling a spade a spade. I would wonder why someone would feel the need to ignore the traits of a person like that if there are really no feelings left? Step outside the situation, look at it from a neutral perspective: the dude is still a scumbag if he is knowingly banging another mans wife. I think the second you forget that you are disrespecting whoever it is you cheated on.

Edited April 20, 2014 by Spectre

[anne1707]

Here is the thing though, you don't need to necessarily harbor negative feelings for a guy to think he is a total scumbag. That is just plain calling a spade a spade.

 

Oh that I get totally it's just if you are thinking that purely because they were your exAP then by default, you as a WS are a scumbag too. Now I don't want to excuse or play down what a WS has done but at some stage the WS also needs to for forgive his/herself hence no longer be identified as a scumbag

[anne1707]

I guess what I am trying to say is that surely for a reconciled marriage, isn't real indifference the preferred option? Even thinking someone is a scumbag because of the affair is still some kind of emotional investment in the affair.

[janedoe67]

I guess what I am trying to say is that surely for a reconciled marriage, isn't real indifference the preferred option? Even thinking someone is a scumbag because of the affair is still some kind of emotional investment in the affair.

 

Indifference is the desired option if actual full recovery is the desired goal.

 

Remember, some people who stay married do NOT have recovery as the goal

[Cpt]

What they should feel = indifference

 

What they actually feel = not important

 

 

If a person in a 5 year LTR develops a mutual crush for a new a person at work, what would you tell that person to do?

 

1. Break up with the partner to pursue new relationship

 

Or

 

2. Stay with partner, ignore those feelings and be distant from new person, because what the person feels should mean nothing unless they intend on cheating.

 

Further entertaining these thoughts will lead to the slow death of the relationship, whether cheating is involved or not, because the person is not 100% in the realtionship.

 

In this example, R is much the same as the relationship, and the new person is much the same as the AP.

 

Creating threads about how you currently feel about the AP (after deciding to R) is just the same as a prospective cheater creating threads about their "new crush".

 

Stop pondering about such things. The AP should not have any space in your mind, otherwise a backslide into another A may happen. I hope this makes sense.

[Spectre]

Oh that I get totally it's just if you are thinking that purely because they were your exAP then by default, you as a WS are a scumbag too. Now I don't want to excuse or play down what a WS has done but at some stage the WS also needs to for forgive his/herself hence no longer be identified as a scumbag

 

I disagree with you unless the person they had an affair with was also married. Sorry, but knowingly getting with someone who is married is low. So if this other man has no wife/gf, then the cheater is only harming one family, but if not? They are harming two. So if the OM was single then the cheater didn't break up that family, since there is no family to break up. But when you do break up a family..yes I find that to be worse.

 

So if the WS is forgiven by their partner, yes you no longer identify them as a scumbag. But it doesn't mean the guy who knowingly breaks up a family isn't a scumbag.

 

I guess what I am trying to say is that surely for a reconciled marriage, isn't real indifference the preferred option? Even thinking someone is a scumbag because of the affair is still some kind of emotional investment in the affair.

 

I don't see it as an automatic emotional investment. I can think of someone who cheats as a scumbag without actually investing any real emotion. I'm not saying have a deep hatred, only that..when push comes to shove, yeah..he/she should be seen for what he/she really is.

Edited April 20, 2014 by Spectre

[yellowmaverick]

I think that a fWS who feels about the affair partner as you do, Anne, is in a very healthy place. Unfortunately, I think you are in the minority.

[whatatangledweb]

And how do you think they actually do feel?

 

My husband is like you. He doesn't feel anything about her. I know he did care about her at one time. Then I had him reread the emails and texts and he realized that she had manipulated and controlled him by her threats to tell me. He then began to despise her. Now he feels nothing. I hated her for a long time now she is again nothing to me.