Betrayed by more than my wife

[suckerpunch55]

I'm not the first or the last that's for sure but I'm devastated to find out that other people knew my wife's affair was going on on, her sister and some work colleagues had been aware of the affair for the last 2 years, and I found out today how many of our 'friends' knew about it. These people I considered good friends and have know years, many were regular visitors to our house and went on holiday with us. I trying to keep things civil because we are trying to repair our marriage but I feel I've been betrayed by everyone, why didn't someone tell me that this was going on for so long? I just cannot comprehend.

[Friskyone4u]

It is understandable that her sister did not tell you but the " friends" who came to your house over two years and never have you a hint are not your friends. They have disrespected you . Get rid of them

[road]

It is understandable that her sister did not tell you but the " friends" who came to your house over two years and never have you a hint are not your friends. They have disrespected you . Get rid of them

 

 

 

 

 

Yes those people were not friends of the marriage and you. You must go NC, no contact with these people for life.

 

 

If you were to take this farther they were not really your WW's friends. How can friends let a friend do so much damage.

 

 

I am sure many did more then know such as they encouraged and some even supported WW's affair. Hence the need for NC with these people.

 

 

You need to get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.

[Arieswoman]

SP55,

I really feel for you, because, as you say, you have been betrayed not just once but multiple times. I know how much it hurts.

 

When my exH was cheating on me, his collegues at work covered for him. If I rang work to speak to him (and I did that very rarely) they would tell me he was "in a meeting", "off site at present visiting a supplier", "had to go to get his car serviced" etc etc etc.

 

These were people who I had entertained in our house, hosted dinners parties for, made small-talk with their wives etc etc in order to enhance his career prospects within the organisation. After he met me he started climbing the corporate ladder, so it must've helped a bit.

 

After we divorced I never missed any of them or these phoney parties.

 

I agree you should cut these so-called friends out of your life.

 

If you choose to get divorced maybe you can cut her sister loose as well?

[hard2c]

I'm not the first or the last that's for sure but I'm devastated to find out that other people knew my wife's affair was going on on, her sister and some work colleagues had been aware of the affair for the last 2 years, and I found out today how many of our 'friends' knew about it. These people I considered good friends and have know years, many were regular visitors to our house and went on holiday with us. I trying to keep things civil because we are trying to repair our marriage but I feel I've been betrayed by everyone, why didn't someone tell me that this was going on for so long? I just cannot comprehend.

 

How do you know that all these people have known about the cheating? Did they come out and say it?

[BHsigh]

I'm not the first or the last that's for sure but I'm devastated to find out that other people knew my wife's affair was going on on, her sister and some work colleagues had been aware of the affair for the last 2 years, and I found out today how many of our 'friends' knew about it. These people I considered good friends and have know years, many were regular visitors to our house and went on holiday with us. I trying to keep things civil because we are trying to repair our marriage but I feel I've been betrayed by everyone, why didn't someone tell me that this was going on for so long? I just cannot comprehend.

 

Yeah, I had to get rid of a lot of friends too, it's just crazy how people won't watch out for a friend. Most of the people that knew were friends with OM too, so it apparent which side the chose, I dropped them.

 

Find better friends and forget about them.

[Bryanp]

You want to repair a marriage where your wife was screwing another man for 2 years behind your back putting your health at risk for STD's while many of your close friends knew about it? You want to repair a marriage where for two years they were probably many times you were intimate with her after she had been with him? Two years is a very long time. You judge a person by their actions and not by their works and her actions speak volumes that she has no respect for you or your marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will? If the roles were reversed would she have been so accepting and forgiving as you?

[10thengineerharrison]

 

You need to get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.

 

He doesn't need this book. He needs to consider the ramifications of having so many so-called "friends" AND his own wife lying to him about his own life for the past to years, putting his health AND his ability to trust anyone at risk.

 

SP, how long have you been married? Do you have kids?

 

If you have no kids, then my recommendation would be to divorce. Chalk this up to experience and start life anew.

 

-10th Engineer Harrison

[Man Mountain Makino]

I'm not the first or the last that's for sure but I'm devastated to find out that other people knew my wife's affair was going on on, her sister and some work colleagues had been aware of the affair for the last 2 years, and I found out today how many of our 'friends' knew about it. These people I considered good friends and have know years, many were regular visitors to our house and went on holiday with us.

Her sister is her family, I can understand that (though I won't endorse it).

 

Those friends aren't your friends and they have to go. Kick them out of your life.

[oldshirt]

You want to repair a marriage where your wife was screwing another man for 2 years behind your back putting your health at risk for STD's while many of your close friends knew about it? You want to repair a marriage where for two years they were probably many times you were intimate with her after she had been with him? Two years is a very long time. You judge a person by their actions and not by their works and her actions speak volumes that she has no respect for you or your marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will? If the roles were reversed would she have been so accepting and forgiving as you?

 

 

 

I agree with Bryan. She spent two years not only cheating on you but also conspiring with other people to make it happen and appealing to them to help her pull the wool over your eyes and to deceive you and to allow her to carrying on her cake eating.

 

 

Yes, what they did was shtty. Yes they are not friends of your's nor friends of the marriage. Yes you should cut them out of your life and not look back.

 

 

But you need to keep in mind that unless you are abusive or are some kind of monster yourself, at least some of these people were probably kind of uncomfortable with the position she placed them in. They were wrong for being an accomplice to the affair but she worked hard to organize her band of conspirators and worked for two years to keep them quiet and worked to get them to compromise their own values and morals.

 

 

Some are probably crappy enough people that they don't care. Others are probably feeling at least somewhat ashamed of their behavior (rightfully so) and that is the position that she put them in.

 

 

This two year affair did not happen easily or without effort. She worked hard on it and put her heart and soul into maintaining it.

 

 

Please keep that in mind and consider that before you commit yourself to staying in this marriage.

[fellini]

You want to repair a marriage where your wife was screwing another man for 2 years behind your back putting your health at risk for STD's while many of your close friends knew about it? You want to repair a marriage where for two years they were probably many times you were intimate with her after she had been with him? Two years is a very long time. You judge a person by their actions and not by their works and her actions speak volumes that she has no respect for you or your marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will? If the roles were reversed would she have been so accepting and forgiving as you?

 

The OP said very clearly he is working on recovering his marriage. Why do you feel obliged to challenge him on that decision.

 

I thought this was supposed to be a civil forum where you address the real questions of the OP.

 

OP. You do not have to answer his provactions. Take a quick look at other posts and you will see it will just become a jacked thread over whether BS's should ever forgive a spouse. It gets pretty brutal.

 

My WS cheated on a co-worker, he was / still is Vice Dean of her faculty. Her best friend, who later turned out to be a confidant, also on the Dean team.

I have nothing but respect for this "friend" - as a person -who was clearly caught between her allegiance to my wife, her awareness of what my WS was doing to me, our marriage, etc., and her good friend and colleague, the AP. The AP in this case did not know that she was informed of the A.

 

On the one hand, being able to talk to this woman helped me to understand things better, sometimes, even than my WS. But at the end of the day, I have to remind my wife, no, I do not want to socialise anymore with this woman or her family because she did not do enough to end the stupidity.

 

In my case, I know this woman NEVER EGGED my wife ON, she constantly questioned her about what she was doing, she reminded her that she was going to lose me and her daughter if she kept up an affair. She even shut her out when the EA went PA because it was not something she "wanted to hear about". But she never ONCE felt obliged to call me, even to say, "You need to talk to your wife."

 

If any of your WS's friends were like this, it's hard to say they are totally supportive of what happened. Not all friends were laughing behind your back. I doubt anyone was, but you know your friends.

 

What I have learned is that I can only count on these people for marginal information, not insight into my WS, because in the end, they are part of the problem and didn't see the damage that was being caused.

 

Good luck with this. There are lots of people here to help on other issues.

[bubbaganoosh]

It's one thing to have a ONS although I'm one of the people that having an affair is a deal breaker and that means done and over, but when she's been screwing this guy for two years and having friends of both of you covering for her, then in all honesty, what is there to salvage?

 

The woman took your love, respect and dignity and used it for toilet paper. IMO putting this marriage back together would be like trying to put a 1000 piece jig saw puzzle together with many pieces missing that could lock the puzzle in place.

 

If you think that they were laughing behind your back while she was having an affair, I can promise you that all of the people who knew and those who didn't along with your wife will have a bigger laugh that your willing to not only have your self respect run through the mud but you giving all of them permission to do so by taking her back.

 

If it was me, I would have her served at work and let all these "friends" see her with mud on her face for a change. You need to gather up what's left of your back bone, self respect and dignity and move on before you have nothing. She isn't worth it.

[Smthn_Like_Olivia]

A lot of people don't want to get involved because of the drama that usually ensues afterwards, and many take on the "mind my own business" stance. I've seen it time and again. No one wants to be the whistleblower because they often become the scapegoat for the cheater and the source of blame for bringing havoc to the relationship instead of the actual act of cheating. As a result, they stay quiet, no matter how wrong they think it is.

[oldshirt]

The OP said very clearly he is working on recovering his marriage. Why do you feel obliged to challenge him on that decision.

 

I thought this was supposed to be a civil forum where you address the real questions of the OP.

 

OP. You do not have to answer his provactions. Take a quick look at other posts and you will see it will just become a jacked thread over whether BS's should ever forgive a spouse. It gets pretty brutal.

 

My WS cheated on a co-worker, he was / still is Vice Dean of her faculty. Her best friend, who later turned out to be a confidant, also on the Dean team.

I have nothing but respect for this "friend" - as a person -who was clearly caught between her allegiance to my wife, her awareness of what my WS was doing to me, our marriage, etc., and her good friend and colleague, the AP. The AP in this case did not know that she was informed of the A.

 

On the one hand, being able to talk to this woman helped me to understand things better, sometimes, even than my WS. But at the end of the day, I have to remind my wife, no, I do not want to socialise anymore with this woman or her family because she did not do enough to end the stupidity.

 

In my case, I know this woman NEVER EGGED my wife ON, she constantly questioned her about what she was doing, she reminded her that she was going to lose me and her daughter if she kept up an affair. She even shut her out when the EA went PA because it was not something she "wanted to hear about". But she never ONCE felt obliged to call me, even to say, "You need to talk to your wife."

 

If any of your WS's friends were like this, it's hard to say they are totally supportive of what happened. Not all friends were laughing behind your back. I doubt anyone was, but you know your friends.

 

What I have learned is that I can only count on these people for marginal information, not insight into my WS, because in the end, they are part of the problem and didn't see the damage that was being caused.

 

Good luck with this. There are lots of people here to help on other issues.

 

 

I kind of agree with Bryan and even though you disagree, in a way you proved my point for me.

 

 

Some of these "friends" were not exactly voluntary supporters of the affair. some were compromised into it against their own values and morals, they were simply too weak-willed and had to little moral back bone to stand up against it.

 

 

Many of them probably did not wish to support and encourage the affair, they just simply lacked the will and moral character to stand up against it.

 

 

They are not friends of the OP or friends of the marriage and it's perfectly understandable for him to exclude them from his world.

 

 

But at the end of the day it was his wife that put them into that position. This was a long and established affair that had many players and coconspirators and it was a team of players and coconspirators that she assembled and maintained.

 

 

It's easy for BS's to blame as many people as they can in an attempt to defray some of the blame off of the WS. He has a right to be pissed at all these people that either actively supported and nurtured the affair as well as those who just passively looked the other way and declined to get involved. But at the end of the day it is the WS that put in all the time and effort to make the A work.

 

 

That needs to be considered and weighed in as a factor in the decision to try to remain in the M or not.

[aliveagain]

I'm not the first or the last that's for sure but I'm devastated to find out that other people knew my wife's affair was going on on, her sister and some work colleagues had been aware of the affair for the last 2 years, and I found out today how many of our 'friends' knew about it. These people I considered good friends and have know years, many were regular visitors to our house and went on holiday with us. I trying to keep things civil because we are trying to repair our marriage but I feel I've been betrayed by everyone, why didn't someone tell me that this was going on for so long? I just cannot comprehend.

 

You must be the talk of the neighbourhood. Two years is longer than many marriages, was this a work affair? If so she needs to resign and look for a new job. Your so called friends that knew are her friends not yours or your marriages. They are facilitators, they may even have covered for her when she was with her affair partner. Have you exposed the affair to the other betrayed spouse? Important that you do so even if you think you want to save the marriage. Get rid of the whole bunch of "friends" after all by withholding this information from you they became her and other mans accomplices, they might as well have been in the room handing her the lube or video taping the session for you.

 

How long has it been since you confronted her? Do the friends know that you know they kept her secret? Has the anger hit yet? Have you talked to a lawyer just in case? What has she done to show you remorse, what makes you believe she will be faithful now? Are children involved on both sides? Make her get individual counselling as to why she allowed herself to betray you, marriage counselling won't be effective until she knows. Do you have transparency? I know it's hard to face people that know what you are just finding out, don't feel ashamed, she is the one that brought this shame onto your family, she is the one that needs to do the work to fix it no matter how much shame it brings her.

[fellini]

I kind of agree with Bryan and even though you disagree, in a way you proved my point for me. (My disagreement with Bryan is about his decision to come in here and s**t on the OP for trying R., not his observations about so-called friends)

 

Some of these "friends" were not exactly voluntary supporters of the affair. some were compromised into it against their own values and morals, they were simply too weak-willed and had to little moral back bone to stand up against it. (Agreed)

 

Many of them probably did not wish to support and encourage the affair, they just simply lacked the will and moral character to stand up against it. (Or they are so used to office affairs it was just another day at the office for them.)

 

They are not friends of the OP or friends of the marriage and it's perfectly understandable for him to exclude them from his world.

(Most work people do not consider themselves to be friends of the marriage. For me there have always been two kinds of friends: Real Friends, and work related friends. The latter being as usful as a t*t on a bull IMHO)

 

But at the end of the day it was his wife that put them into that position. This was a long and established affair that had many players and coconspirators and it was a team of players and coconspirators that she assembled and maintained. (Agreed)

 

It's easy for BS's to blame as many people as they can in an attempt to defray some of the blame off of the WS. He has a right to be pissed at all these people that either actively supported and nurtured the affair as well as those who just passively looked the other way and declined to get involved. But at the end of the day it is the WS that put in all the time and effort to make the A work. (Agreed)

 

That needs to be considered and weighed in as a factor in the decision to try to remain in the M or not. (Disagree. The awareness of others and their inability to tip off the OP has nothing to do with his marriage to his W. Only has to do with his reasonable desire never to communicate with them again, and more importantly, to ensure she communicates with them as co-workers or leaves her job.)

 

The OP hasn't given the slightest indication that he is wavering, hesitant, divided even about R with his WS. So why all the vultures coming in here trying to change his mind by name calling and clearly using words that are designed to get an emotional reaction out of him.

[Running Man]

It doesn't really matter at this point, your still trying to stay with her after all she has done. If your so willing to forgive her then why not your friends. They didn't make your wife cheat, they decided to mind their own business and let your wife continue her ways. You should ask yourself who should've been most loyal to you, YOUR WIFE or your Friends.

[fellini]

SP55,

If you choose to get divorced maybe you can cut her sister loose as well?

 

I have cut my inlaws loose without divorce. I want nothing to do with family that actively try to drive a marriage apart without even having the decency to ask if they were invited into the mess. I know it's family, I know it's harsh, but its harsher pretending to be okay with being around people you know do not want you in their family and you don't want to talk to.

[fellini]

Probably he is trying to save his marriage. Probably he is aware of how he feels about her, in spite of what she has done, because there are other things in the mix. But I don't see why he has to feel the same way about friends. Best friends maybe, but acquaintances? A dime a dozen.

 

 

It doesn't really matter at this point, your still trying to stay with her after all she has done. If your so willing to forgive her then why not your friends. They didn't make your wife cheat, they decided to mind their own business and let your wife continue her ways. You should ask yourself who should've been most loyal to you, YOUR WIFE or your Friends.

[dichotomy]

The friends not just out of your life - but they need to out of your wife's as well. NC with anyone "in on it", unless you know otherwise they were giving your wife grief over it.

 

If it was me - sister in law would become persona non Grata in my home for a while (would not ask wife for NC with a sister - just NC for my marriage and home)

[aliveagain]

Suckerpunched, the only reason some of the posters are concerned about your situation is that your wife has to be a master of deception to hide an affair from you for 2 years. The fact that so many of your friends knew and allowed it to continue without any kind of heads up or a anonymous note to you is also scary because if she takes it underground you can't rely on them telling you about it. This is your marriage so do what is right for you, just don't do it because of fear, do it for the right reason. How do you know she is back in the marriage for real?

[fellini]

A lot of people don't want to get involved because of the drama that usually ensues afterwards, and many take on the "mind my own business" stance. I've seen it time and again. No one wants to be the whistleblower because they often become the scapegoat for the cheater and the source of blame for bringing havoc to the relationship instead of the actual act of cheating. As a result, they stay quiet, no matter how wrong they think it is.

 

I think also that if none of these friends have actually been through an A in their respective marriages, they might be completely unaware of the emotional impact on those involved. I would like to think that if my WS's "confidant" had known anything about the actual impact and trauma an A has on an actual marriage, that she would have been more aggressive and at some point said: either you tell him or I will. I do this as YOUR friend, not HIS.

 

Because infidelity discoveries tend to push the couple into seclusion as they deal with the fall out, there is a possibility that unless you have been through it yourself, you stay out of it because its "none of my business".

[dichotomy]

You must be the talk of the neighbourhood. Two years is longer than many marriages, was this a work affair? If so she needs to resign and look for a new job. Your so called friends that knew are her friends not yours or your marriages. They are facilitators, they may even have covered for her when she was with her affair partner. Have you exposed the affair to the other betrayed spouse? Important that you do so even if you think you want to save the marriage. Get rid of the whole bunch of "friends" after all by withholding this information from you they became her and other mans accomplices, they might as well have been in the room handing her the lube or video taping the session for you.

 

How long has it been since you confronted her? Do the friends know that you know they kept her secret? Has the anger hit yet? Have you talked to a lawyer just in case? What has she done to show you remorse, what makes you believe she will be faithful now? Are children involved on both sides? Make her get individual counselling as to why she allowed herself to betray you, marriage counselling won't be effective until she knows. Do you have transparency? I know it's hard to face people that know what you are just finding out, don't feel ashamed, she is the one that brought this shame onto your family, she is the one that needs to do the work to fix it no matter how much shame it brings her.

 

Agreed...

 

Not only did all these friends of yours know about your wife's long affair - but now they know you know ...and they know your doing .....what.... exactly ....about it?

 

Reclaim your honor.

[Timmos]

In my situation, four of my wife's friends knew for sure. Three of those were actively encouraging it (based on the fog/lies of my wife). The forth, while not informing me of the affair, took an active role in pulling the Mrs.' head from her own ass. One of these people I still consider a friend, and a friend to our marriage. The other three are persona non grata. NC as a condition of reconciliation.

 

So no, maybe not all of her friends were active in their support.

[Clay]

I think this only makes reconciling harder. I cant really imagine how you explain to her how you don't want these people around anymore. The sister will always be a part of her life so you can bet she will always work against you.

 

I personally would just kick her and her friends and family to the curb. I think you would have better luck with a stranger than friends and family like that.

 

I feel bad for you. It was a part in my life as well.

 

Clay