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Evidently the other one was closed.

 

How would you know if there was potential after knowing the OW for only a matter of months. AP only show their good side. You see them only or mostly at their best and I can assure you AP don't reveal the skeletons in her closet. It sounds as though you are making excuses for your AP, to elevate her status, because in reality you really don't know who you slept with. She's a cheater -1, who snuck around another -1, with a lying married man -1, with children -1 for each kid etc. Rewriting history, elevating your "ho" to wifey status sounds good but your actions were totally different. If you respected or truly loved your side piece you would have elevated her status. Your wife had her role and your ho was the added spice. You are eating too much cake trying to justify how you treated another human being.

 

Because I knew of her more than a year before we actually met.

 

I have been in an affair with her for 4.5 years now. I think I know her pretty well. She's no my ho.

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Realist3, I think you have what is called "an arrangement." :laugh: You have a mistress and your wife doesn't mind as long as she doesn't have to know the details.

 

That's quite different from the situation most people on this board find themselves in...their spouse is sneaking around behind their back with someone else and they are clueless. (Or they know something is "off" about their spouse but they can't quite put their finger on it.)

 

I don't judge people for being in a relationship where everyone is OK with what is going on. I don't think the OP in that situation is automatically "trash." I don't think every single person who has been the OP in any other situation is unredeemable either...unless you are unapologetic about your decision to deceive someone else and crow about it. That makes me question that person's character.

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whatatangledweb

Realistic , I know she was having trouble earlier this year, with keeping up with it all. You were in LC while she was doing MC with her husband. If she leaves her husband would you leave your wife and marry her?

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Do you know something weird? If h found a decent, sensible, discreet woman to be his Mistress, and I was allowed to have a few lovely, intelligent, well-read and well-rounded men to keep me warm when he was otherwise engaged, I'd probably be ok. But woe betide any woman that tries to replace me. Ditto men who thought they'd replace h. But the key is respect and honesty. That is what is lacking in most affair situations.

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I just caught up on the back story. The fact that the AP is married and her H isn't in on this makes this...interesting.

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forbidden_love

Some BS cannot accept that in a LTR you can know someone more than your spouse knows you. I am continually surprising my MM by knowing his thoughts. They are almost second nature to me. It is a spiritual and emotional connection. Today I met him at 4.30 within minutes of wanting to meet him. It happens regularly (not at the same time or day). It just happens. He has been married for 30 years and she did not believe he was having an affair after 5 of those.

 

I have been miles away and met him after just a thought.

 

It is not all about fancy meals and restaurants (I wish) in fact for me it is none of that.

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snappytomcat
Some BS cannot accept that in a LTR you can know someone more than your spouse knows you. I am continually surprising my MM by knowing his thoughts. They are almost second nature to me. It is a spiritual and emotional connection. Today I met him at 4.30 within minutes of wanting to meet him. It happens regularly (not at the same time or day). It just happens. He has been married for 30 years and she did not believe he was having an affair after 5 of those.

 

I have been miles away and met him after just a thought.

 

It is not all about fancy meals and restaurants (I wish) in fact for me it is none of that.

sorry but no,he only showing you what he wants to,you don't clean up after him,share a life or kids,only when you live with someone you really know them

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Please, let's be more realistic than that . Your w asked you to keep it out of her face which probably means she's hurt and disgusted by it but maybe does not want to D because if kids and the financial benefits .

 

If I'm not mistaken , the other lady's H does not know . If he finds out and D her, will you D your wife and get married to OW?

 

Secondly, living together is completely different than having a relationship completely insulated from the harsh realities of life . I even believe that even a live in R may still be different than marriage unless there are children of the couple living together . The responsibility and commitment that comes with M is different and indeed sometimes more stressful and definitely more rewarding in the long term , compared to any other romantic relationship .

My 2c.

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Secondly, living together is completely different than having a relationship completely insulated from the harsh realities of life . I even believe that even a live in R may still be different than marriage unless there are children of the couple living together . The responsibility and commitment that comes with M is different and indeed sometimes more stressful and definitely more rewarding in the long term , compared to any other romantic relationship .

My 2c.

 

This tired old argument again! "Unless you wash his skidmarks out of his underwear and listen to his flatulence and clean up his vomit, you don't know him".

 

Actually, not all Rs are based on disrespect, and neither are all Ms. We've been M for several years now and I can honestly say that I knew him very well during the A, there have been no surprises and I certainly would not say anything changed once we were M. Of course I know him better now, we've spent longer together, done more together and made more memories together, but nothing fundamentally different to during the A. I knew him then, I know him now, and nothing has changed, it has only deepened. Claiming you cannot know someone until you are M is a myth, as is the claim that M is a qualitatively different kind of R.

 

Perhaps that is true for a small minority of cases, but certainly not for everyone.

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gettingstronger

Your situation makes me sad for you- neither woman cares enough for you to want you full time-you are half a man for both-

Your W is OK with sharing you because you are a paycheck

Your AP does not want to risk her marriage or the hassle of getting some sort of arrangement like you have for you-

But you seem OK with it so be it-

It just seems so unfortunate to not have someone in your life that wants to fight for you-

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gettingstronger

I am some place in the middle on when you really know someone-

I think its the seasons of a relationship that are surprising regardless of how long or how well you know someone-

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Your situation makes me sad for you- neither woman cares enough for you to want you full time-you are half a man for both-

Your W is OK with sharing you because you are a paycheck

Your AP does not want to risk her marriage or the hassle of getting some sort of arrangement like you have for you-

But you seem OK with it so be it-

It just seems so unfortunate to not have someone in your life that wants to fight for you-

I have the same view of Realist's situation. He has two partial relationships. I do understand why he stays M from things he's stated on the forum. He has a child with disabilities. I do honestly think he means well in keeping his family together. My exMM has a child with disabilities as well. He also said that's the reason he doesn't want to leave.

 

Realist, has your MOW thought of asking her H for an open M? That seems like it would be ideal for everyone involved.

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Getting, the 'seasons' in an A are still within the A, still divorced from reality .

 

Realist, I didn't know about your child with disabilities . But that I what I'm trying to say , who deals with your child , you and W right? Not you and AP.

 

Coco, did you and your AP have small children , had to blend families, had to juggle kids and step kids at holidays, pay spousal or child support ? I'm not attacking or anything, just asking .

 

I always comment with much respect for everyone on here . If the tonality comes off as harsh, I'm not trying to be .

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Some BS cannot accept that in a LTR you can know someone more than your spouse knows you. I am continually surprising my MM by knowing his thoughts. They are almost second nature to me. It is a spiritual and emotional connection. Today I met him at 4.30 within minutes of wanting to meet him. It happens regularly (not at the same time or day). It just happens. He has been married for 30 years and she did not believe he was having an affair after 5 of those.

 

I have been miles away and met him after just a thought.

 

It is not all about fancy meals and restaurants (I wish) in fact for me it is none of that.

 

What is your point?

 

People in affairs regularly disclose a side of themselves to their AP that don't express to their BS. Different people bring out different sides of us. One person can't fulfill another person completely. We are too complex for that. I am sure his wife knows him in ways that you can't fathom. She's been with the man for 30 years.

 

Your relationship sounds like a soul-matey infatuation with each other. It's not based in reality. The synchronicity you describe does not sound unusual. What about the times you are thinking about wanting to see him and you DON'T bump into him? How do you interpret those events?

 

Forbidden, you sound like you are deep in the OW fog and this thing you have with your MM will stay in a limbo state for a long time unless you really examine what you need from a real relationship. You can be happy without this man in your life. He's not yours, and he's showing you that by remaining with his wife. If you want to take second place, that's up to you, but it just causes more drama for everyone involved.

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It's hard as a BS for me to comment on knowing someone well just because you live with them. I have been with WH for a decade and I apparently didn't know him well enough to know he'd make the choices he has. He certainly doesn't know me anymore.

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Some BS cannot accept that in a LTR you can know someone more than your spouse knows you. I am continually surprising my MM by knowing his thoughts. They are almost second nature to me. It is a spiritual and emotional connection. Today I met him at 4.30 within minutes of wanting to meet him. It happens regularly (not at the same time or day). It just happens. He has been married for 30 years and she did not believe he was having an affair after 5 of those.

 

I have been miles away and met him after just a thought.

 

It is not all about fancy meals and restaurants (I wish) in fact for me it is none of that.

 

I can understand that, and in a few cases, like cocorino's, it does work out. But in situations like hers, he was working himself up to leave his wife, but it was tricky because she was abusive. It surprises me greatly that many AP and WS's don't see the difference between between a true exit affair and a long term "R on the side" affair.

 

And as far as his marriage and his affair goes, Realist knows exactly what OW means to him, so it's different too, he's not kidding himself with a "true love" woman on the side.

 

If it truly is a great long term relationship for you Forbidden, why haven't you both left your BS's and started a full time relationship yet?

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You just may know her pretty well but I 'll bet it's all covered in sparkles and fields of daffodils. My stbx had a long term ho and believe me he did not know of her numerous bankruptcies, all types of skeletons until I did a background check. It's easy to pretend when you aren't living it day to day with bills, children, school etc. Sounds to me you are eating cake...loving two women and all...each filling some role in your life. Sounds like you are enjoying your cake and she is ok with playing second string like my pup that sits under my table at dinner. May sound harsh but it is what it is.

 

Not quite. It is not all sparkles and daffodils. It really is not. Who is playing second string?; me or her?

 

She has an issue being No.2, me not so much. She is very possessive. I on the other hand am not. I have never been of the type to try and control people. Sure, I can exhibit moments of jealousy. But as time has gone on, I really don't think about that as much. It doesn't serve much of any purpose. Her H is not the lover I am.

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Realistic , I know she was having trouble earlier this year, with keeping up with it all. You were in LC while she was doing MC with her husband. If she leaves her husband would you leave your wife and marry her?

 

It started late last year, MC, and LC. That didn't last all that long. Since that time it has been more than I could have ever expected. Yes, I had known for quite awhile that I would leave, but it was never part of our agreement so I never pushed it. I'm not pushing it now, but after the Dec. Jan. experience I have had to re-evaluate that. If every possible piece of poop hit the fan today, I would choose her, no doubt.

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She needs a good vibrator not a mm...smh..

 

 

Some of you need to wake up. Being a lover is not just pounding a piece of flesh.

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The sex part is fantastic for both of us, but that is not even the best part. 95% of our interaction has nothing to do with sex. But when it is, it is game on.

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excusememister
Her H is not the lover I am.

 

 

Affairs are built on lies

 

My WH lied to his AP, telling her that we slept in different bedrooms, that we didn't communicate, that we had no marriage, etc... when in fact, it was the complete opposite.

 

I would bet she is telling you what she thinks you want/need to hear. Her H is probably knocking it out of the park but she won't dare admit that to you

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Please, let's be more realistic than that . Your w asked you to keep it out of her face which probably means she's hurt and disgusted by it but maybe does not want to D because if kids and the financial benefits .

 

If I'm not mistaken , the other lady's H does not know . If he finds out and D her, will you D your wife and get married to OW?

 

Secondly, living together is completely different than having a relationship completely insulated from the harsh realities of life . I even believe that even a live in R may still be different than marriage unless there are children of the couple living together . The responsibility and commitment that comes with M is different and indeed sometimes more stressful and definitely more rewarding in the long term , compared to any other romantic relationship .

My 2c.

 

I have gone back an forth with this. In my ideal world things would stay as they are, especially when I think about our children. As I'm typing this I am looking at my kids, and I'm thinking, "Do I really want to put you through this?" It will be messy on every level.

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Affairs are built on lies

 

My WH lied to his AP, telling her that we slept in different bedrooms, that we didn't communicate, that we had no marriage, etc... when in fact, it was the complete opposite.

 

I would bet she is telling you what she thinks you want/need to hear. Her H is probably knocking it out of the park but she won't dare admit that to you

 

Affairs are built on lies to the BS. I know she has sex with her husband. Not a big deal to me. If he was 'knocking it out the park' so well, she wouldn't be asking for my attention, and one the verge of leaving him. Our situation goes far beyond the sexual aspect.

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This whole situation makes me sad. So many people hurt in the pursuit of a relationship that isn't strong enough to compel either one to actually act in the long time period they've been involved.

 

Actions. So much more than words.

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