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did it feel like a death in the family to you???


snappytomcat

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snappytomcat

Im just sitting home today,as my out of town bff is using my car,so im stuck at home,which is a good thing once in a while.

anyways this is something ive always wondered,and ow/om please answer if this was the same in the otherside of the affair

did you all feel when you found out on dday,that it was like a death,like losing a loved one,to me it was ive lost 4 important people in my life,and this hurt,and it felt like I was grieving a death,i sobbed uncontrollably,not in front of anyone,but in the shower,when I was alone,i couldn't eat,i basically just curled up in the fetal position on my bed for about 2 weeks,i couldn't function,i was popping Xanax,and washing it down with wine,at that point it seemed like death would be better,than what I was feeling at that time,i did eventually snap out of that stage,but it was a horrible,devastating time,that I wouldn't wish on anyone

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;) I'm stuck at home today too so...

 

I was calm at first...then I began to feel incredibly anxious and jumpy. I couldn't sit still or breathe right and I was very shaky. I was sitting through a bunch of text messages and phone calls to the AP.

 

By the second night I couldn't sleep and woke up in the middle of the night sobbing and screaming.

 

I spent the next two weeks alternating between panic attacks, irritability and extreme agitation, and crying at the drop of a hat. I would have nightmares and wake up hyperventilating.

 

Somehow I managed to go to work and do my job while all of this was going on, except for the first couple of days while OW was blowing up my husband's phone and threatening to get someone to beat him up, slash his tires, etc. It actually got my mind off of the affair.

 

It's been about 6 weeks and I feel somewhat better though I am still having trouble sleeping and eating. I have lost 12 pounds since D day.

 

You ask if it felt like a death in the family. My mother died suddenly and unexpectedly six years ago and my reaction was very similar. First a kind of calm which I guess is shock, in which I could talk about everything coherently. By the day after I got the news, I was an utter mess. I thought I was too old to cry like that.

 

This experience brought me back to the way I felt after my mom died...it's an excruciating emotional pain that is also physical. Mostly you just think that the world has been turned upside down and you wonder if anything is the way that you thought it was.

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whatatangledweb

It was more like being knifed in the heart to me. I have had many bad things happen to me in my lifetime. This was way worse because he knew what I had been though. It was as though he was saying "you have not suffered enough". And guess what " I just did it for a ego boost, to make me feel younger".

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snappytomcat
It was more like being knifed in the heart to me. I have had many bad things happen to me in my lifetime. This was way worse because he knew what I had been though. It was as though he was saying "you have not suffered enough". And guess what " I just did it for a ego boost, to make me feel younger".

yes tangled web you are right I felt like that too,i felt death would be the kindest thing to happen to me,i can handle physical pain,yeah it hurts but at least its over right away,like getting a tattoo,hurts like a mother while your getting it,but as soon as there done it no longer hurts,but the emotional pain is hard to handle it just really never goes away,its seems its always there.

im sorry for your pain

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Exactly like that for me. I am now 3 months from d day and sometimes it all comes back. The skin crawling has gone away though and I am grateful for that.

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ladydesigner

Yes it absolutely felt like a death. I am 2 years out and I still have triggers that take my breath away. I agree with the poster who said they would have preferred death to infidelity. I attempted suicide on Dday 2 as the pain of knowing they continued their relationship after my discovery was just excruciating. To me not only did my fWH die on Dday, but I did as well. I will never see him the same way again, but he is a new man now one that is trying and one that is working on being a better person. I am also not the same person, but I am beginning to like myself a whole lot more now that I focus solely on me.

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There were a slew of emotions and confusion. It has been 16 months since d-day and sometimes I grieved because it felt like I have lost a loved one. To be honest, feeling I have lost my wife is much more bearable than the agony, sorrow, anger, and insecurity.

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The betrayed or left behind suffers loss, but not the loss if integrity. Even though most of us feel tremendous guilt about our failings as a spouse. But all spouses -all people- have failings. Happily married or otherwise. Love does not leave because of failed expectations, it fails because it was not real.

 

None of this stops the grieving and sorrow, but those things prove that our love was genuine. There is no shame in that. There is no shame in sadness.

 

Most can forgive, but few can ever forget. There's no shame in that either.

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yellowmaverick

It didn't just feel like a death, it WAS a death - the death of a long marriage, the death of a family unit, the death of our planned future together.

 

But with the death came rebirth and a chance for a better life.

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badkarma2013

All WSs and BSs should read this...this all is very true

it's the little triggers, little stabs that will be there even 5 years from now, or 10, or 20.

 

It's the disbelief BS feels and will always feel, never quite understanding how WS could have done that.

But WS did.

 

WS may have said over and over that they have told the full truth and BS might have decided to believe them. But BS always knows that WS has told them as much truth as WS thought was necessary, not the 100% truth that BS thought was necessary. WS will NEVER reveal what they were really thinking at the time. BS will be left with nagging doubts FOREVER, powerless to do anything about it because BS wasn't there or wasn't inside WS's head.

That is the hardest thing to live with.

 

EA or PA. A month or a year. Sex once or a hundred times. One lie or fifty. It doesn't matter. All the damage was done in the moment that WS took that step. It destroyed what was, and what will never be the same again no matter what WS does.

That time is gone.

 

BS thought WS was someone they could trust with their life, their best friend in the world, their confidant, someone who would always stand by them.

That's what BS thought, and BS was wrong, so wrong.

 

BS sometimes remembers what it was like when there wasn't that little cloud overhead.

And feels a pang as they think of when the sky was blue.

 

BS would have never chosen this for themselves. Yet somehow they found themselves in it.

 

Now it's Plan B. And it will always be Plan B.

 

R is the Plan B version of marriage.

 

It might be a strange thing to say, but so grievous is the wound of betrayal that had WS died, the pain would be easier. The sadness would be a different kind of sadness.

A more tolerable kind of sadness.

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WasOtherWoman
All WSs and BSs should read this...this all is very true

it's the little triggers, little stabs that will be there even 5 years from now, or 10, or 20.

 

.

 

I have to say, after having been a BS more than 20 years ago now, the above is not at all true for me. While I am aware it happened, it does not bother me in the least and has not for many many years.

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In some ways it is worse. After a bereavement you can at least have the positive memories of the person and the happy times with them. You've lost the person, but the memories remain.

When it's an affair, all those memories feel false too; all the times you thought were happy, it was a lie.

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whatatangledweb
All WSs and BSs should read this...this all is very true

it's the little triggers, little stabs that will be there even 5 years from now, or 10, or 20.

 

It's the disbelief BS feels and will always feel, never quite understanding how WS could have done that.

But WS did.

 

WS may have said over and over that they have told the full truth and BS might have decided to believe them. But BS always knows that WS has told them as much truth as WS thought was necessary, not the 100% truth that BS thought was necessary. WS will NEVER reveal what they were really thinking at the time. BS will be left with nagging doubts FOREVER, powerless to do anything about it because BS wasn't there or wasn't inside WS's head.

That is the hardest thing to live with.

 

EA or PA. A month or a year. Sex once or a hundred times. One lie or fifty. It doesn't matter. All the damage was done in the moment that WS took that step. It destroyed what was, and what will never be the same again no matter what WS does.

That time is gone.

 

BS thought WS was someone they could trust with their life, their best friend in the world, their confidant, someone who would always stand by them.

That's what BS thought, and BS was wrong, so wrong.

 

BS sometimes remembers what it was like when there wasn't that little cloud overhead.

And feels a pang as they think of when the sky was blue.

 

BS would have never chosen this for themselves. Yet somehow they found themselves in it.

 

Now it's Plan B. And it will always be Plan B.

 

R is the Plan B version of marriage.

 

It might be a strange thing to say, but so grievous is the wound of betrayal that had WS died, the pain would be easier. The sadness would be a different kind of sadness.

A more tolerable kind of sadness.

 

This is not true for me. I accepted that there are things that I will never know. I don't trigger any more. I did feel all those things before I accepted that it did happen and it can't be undone. It was very hard to get to that place. It is part of our past not our future.

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snappytomcat
This is not true for me. I accepted that there are things that I will never know. I don't trigger any more. I did feel all those things before I accepted that it did happen and it can't be undone. It was very hard to get to that place. It is part of our past not our future.

I hope this is the place I will get to,in time its only been 10 months since dday,and good days out weigh the bad,how long has it been since your dday?

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suckerpunch55
Im just sitting home today,as my out of town bff is using my car,so im stuck at home,which is a good thing once in a while.

anyways this is something ive always wondered,and ow/om please answer if this was the same in the otherside of the affair

did you all feel when you found out on dday,that it was like a death,like losing a loved one,to me it was ive lost 4 important people in my life,and this hurt,and it felt like I was grieving a death,i sobbed uncontrollably,not in front of anyone,but in the shower,when I was alone,i couldn't eat,i basically just curled up in the fetal position on my bed for about 2 weeks,i couldn't function,i was popping Xanax,and washing it down with wine,at that point it seemed like death would be better,than what I was feeling at that time,i did eventually snap out of that stage,but it was a horrible,devastating time,that I wouldn't wish on anyone

It was a sort of death, the death of my complacency, trust and loyalty, do not have a clue if any of these will ever return, I'm as low as a person can get at the moment.

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whatatangledweb
I hope this is the place I will get to,in time its only been 10 months since dday,and good days out weigh the bad,how long has it been since your dday?

 

It took a year and a half for me to really move forward that is when I accepted that it was all true and couldn't be undone. It took another six months to stop triggering all the time. About three months after the two year mark I stopped triggering at all. I am at three years out. It may have been easier for me because we had a good marriage so there were no marital issues to deal with on top of his affair.

 

That first year was very bad for me. I tried numerous times to commit suicide. I knew I couldn't hold onto the hurt and pain from his affair or I would end up killing myself. We went over his affair again and again until I was just sick of hearing anything about it. He did and continues to do everything right. We worked very hard together to get past it.

 

STC, you will get to a point where the good outweighs the bad. Work together so you both heal.

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badkarma2013

Good for you.....After this happened to me and reading thousands of post ...the BH seem to have a much harder with R.....I have read percentage wise of ALL the BHs who try to R with WW...only 15-20% ever make it...MOST all BH Choose D....

 

Upon further study i really Truly believe it is a gender thing....

 

The pictures the OM showed me after i told his wife about A with my W....I knew at that moment i could never forgive much less FORGET...EVER.

 

The level of lies and betrayal were of such depth in knew in my soul it was over.

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I felt overwhelmed and like I was constantly only going down hill on a roller coaster when I found out my wife had an affair. I still feel that way today 6 months after D-Day. I do remember telling her once that her death would've been easier to accept because death is inevitable. It would've been easier for me to move on if she had died because that is part of life.

I often thought that I wish I never discovered her affair but as I time goes by, I am not glad I found out but more content that I know what happened before I die.

She killed me emotionally on D-Day and I now have two lives. The new me and the old me. I long for the days of the old me.

 

Betrayal by an affair is by far the worst thing I have ever went and still am going through in my 45 years on this Earth. I don't wish this on anyone. It constantly eats at me. Although I have decided to give my marriage another try, I have now become the jealous, non trusting guy. I don't like that guy.

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snappytomcat
I felt overwhelmed and like I was constantly only going down hill on a roller coaster when I found out my wife had an affair. I still feel that way today 6 months after D-Day. I do remember telling her once that her death would've been easier to accept because death is inevitable. It would've been easier for me to move on if she had died because that is part of life.

I often thought that I wish I never discovered her affair but as I time goes by, I am not glad I found out but more content that I know what happened before I die.

She killed me emotionally on D-Day and I now have two lives. The new me and the old me. I long for the days of the old me.

 

Betrayal by an affair is by far the worst thing I have ever went and still am going through in my 45 years on this Earth. I don't wish this on anyone. It constantly eats at me. Although I have decided to give my marriage another try, I have now become the jealous, non trusting guy. I don't like that guy.

im sorry you are going through this,and I can certainly understand the jealousy thing.

I was never a jealous person,but since I found out about H,affair I have become one,and I hate it,im getting better about it,but after dday even if we went to a restaurant,or bar and the server was female,i would get jealous,then I would think omg!am I going fricken nuts.

I know affairs are painful,and devastating for the bs,but I do believe bh,have a harder time,especially the physical part,cause I know for me,i was more devastated by the emotional part,and just all the lies,and how good he was at it

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