Large percentage of cheaters do not leave marriages

[painfullyobvious]

Most Cheating Spouses Won't Leave Their Marriages, And Here's Why

 

New Huffington Post article only reinforce what many of us already knew about cheaters. I do not like how this article makes it seem like cheating is just something most marriages have due to boredom. I'm a little bored in my marriage ho-hum I think I will have something on the side for a while. I find it funny that 69% of cheaters have no intention of leaving their marriages. The 69% statistic is what is funny to me. If people have no intention of leaving is the excitement worth risking a marriage? I know people are self entered but the risk reward in cheating seems silly. Cheaters eventually get caught, slip up and when they do it may not be up to them to decide whether or not their marriages will remain intact. If a person is lucky enough to have a reconciling spouse it takes years to rebuild the marriage. Maybe I'm too rational or analytical but cheating doesn't make much sense morally but even less for what a person gets out of it for themselves. I'm trying to wrap my mind around why cheat if you don't see the relationship going anywhere? It seems like it is only a self inflicted trap that leaves a lot of pain to others and regret from the cheater. The other women board will not like this study. Why does a person cheat if they know the outcome for both parties is likely not going to be positive or the relationship is one of self satisfaction?

[notserene]

People cheat for a variety of reasons - immaturity, narcissism, lack of sex (though they need to address this), poor coping skills, opportunity, etc.

 

it seems like an extraordinarily risky way of "dealing" with the problems in your relationship because if you get caught, there's no way you can control the reactions of your spouse.

 

It really doesn't make any sense when you consider what the WS could potentially lose - never mind some of the more extreme reactions to infidelity, such as violence towards themselves, the AP, or self harm by the BS.

 

I just think that most cheaters count on never getting caught. That might be true if the cheating is a ONS. But many of them aren't thinking that far ahead; they are just thinking about what they are getting right now when they are "in the moment" with their AP and they will worry about the potential fallout later.

 

In my experience, a WS *always* leaves clues that in hindsight look like signposts written in letters six feet high. The BS is usually either naive, or in denial. I think it is a rare BS that really doesn't care.

Edited April 18, 2014 by notserene
left out something important

[VeronicaRoss]

It underscores that people don't cheat because of their marriage they cheat because of who they choose to be in marriage and in life.

 

When betrayed partners exhaustively analyze their marriage or themselves because of an affair, looking for what went wrong, it's an attempt to find something they can control, instead of accepting the character of who they married. That is a lot tougher.

[Finally Settled]

I'm not necessarily convinced that a survey of members of 'dating' sites specifically designed for married partners to connect with random and like minded people can be considered gospel for every type of affair. If anything I am a little surprised the number isn't over 90% as the sites appear to pander to an audience that has no intention of changing their current situations.

 

As far as the reception from the other woman and other man board is concerned, I have seen no stories there where the participants of an affair came together via sites such as these so I would doubt any serious discord would ensue.

[central]

I found statistics that about 80% of male cheaters and nearly 90% of female cheaters are never caught, and roughly 55% of all people cheat at some point in one of their relationships. So, they get the rewards of excitement and yet don't suffer the downside of discovery. Of course, the downside can be damned unpleasant if they are discovered! However, not enough to be a significant deterrent.

[Spectre]

People cheat because some people are selfish. That is what it really comes down to in the end, you can call it narcissism, you can name a bunch of different reasons, but all those roads lead to the exact same destination. You cheat because you feel you should be able to have your cake and eat it too. You feel you shouldn't have to give up one thing to get the other. In essence, you feel like you shouldn't have to act like an adult.

[HermioneG]

It underscores that people don't cheat because of their marriage they cheat because of who they choose to be in marriage and in life.

 

When betrayed partners exhaustively analyze their marriage or themselves because of an affair, looking for what went wrong, it's an attempt to find something they can control, instead of accepting the character of who they married. That is a lot tougher.

 

Yes.

 

The day it finally drilled into my brain that it was on him and not me? Gulp.

 

Until then? I was looking everywhere to find a way to blame myself. Because I had domain over myself.

 

Turns out? I am not powerful enough to control other people. ( sigh. )

[Hope Shimmers]

Maybe I'm too rational or analytical but cheating doesn't make much sense morally but even less for what a person gets out of it for themselves. I'm trying to wrap my mind around why cheat if you don't see the relationship going anywhere?

 

It's more than a bit of a stretch to call that a "study".

 

It's a survey of people on a married dating site and these people are likely not even remotely representative of all people in A's.

 

Just for one example, the attitudes of men likely differ a great deal from those of women and nowhere in that article does it even give any data on gender of the respondents. Similarly, to answer your question above (which in fact is in posts all over this forum), most OW are told the relationship will in fact go somewhere. Most don't get into an A just for the heck of it.

[dichotomy]

I found statistics that about 80% of male cheaters and nearly 90% of female cheaters are never caught, and roughly 55% of all people cheat at some point in one of their relationships. So, they get the rewards of excitement and yet don't suffer the downside of discovery. Of course, the downside can be damned unpleasant if they are discovered! However, not enough to be a significant deterrent.

 

wow - if true.

[goodyblue]

When my husband found out just how far my betrayal went it was like a shotgun blast, He methodicly set out to get even and hurt all that were involved, its still happening, he hurt me when two weeks after destroying the man he found me with he told me in the living room that there was no more promises, he was now the center of my needs, I tried to run when he ripped my cloths off and made me have sex on the floor, it wasn't love, it was rage, anger, frustration. after he finished he said if you want to leave now there is the door, Then he told me remember a black man I had been with and I said yes, he told me then that he had had been out the night before with his wife, they arranged to have him catch them on the bed, she had my husband child in November.

Then he decides to move to his uncles old home in North East Wyoming, it is very remote, I really don't drive so this is like a prison. There are reasons why I started down this road. Now they seem to have hurt rather than the intended outcome. All we wanted was him to be responsible to the society we lived in, Now he is trying to bring it all to its knees.

 

So what you're saying is that your husband found out you cheated, raped you, took you away and pretty much held you hostage. He sounds like a real charming fellow.

[Spectre]

So what you're saying is that your husband found out you cheated, raped you, took you away and pretty much held you hostage. He sounds like a real charming fellow.

 

To be fair, the wife sounds like no prize herself.

[goodyblue]

To be fair, the wife sounds like no prize herself.

 

Oh, I see. She's no prize, so that justifies his actions?

 

Sounds a LOT like a double standard, I mean, when OW says she knows a BS is 'no prize', and it was 'justification' for an affair, we're a**es.

 

Despicable.

 

Not you, him.

 

 

But really... "To be fair, she wouldn't sleep with him, she refused to be close, to have any kind of emotional intimacy". Your response to THAT is "So what"? Jesus.

[Hope Shimmers]

To be fair, the wife sounds like no prize herself.

 

No one deserves to be raped. For any reason.

 

But how does any of this have anything to do with the original thread?

 

Think about it... a survey consisting only of people who are on dating sites for married people? These people are much more likely to be looking for just sex on the side. That's why they get on the sites in the first place - to ACTIVELY look for an A. You can't apply that to anyone else other than this population.

[fellini]

I agree. The only kind of affair you are going to find on a place like Ashley's are people LOOKING for an affair. Not too many people want much to do with those kinds of partners.

 

The worst, for me, in infidelity is when your S of X years FINDS herself suddenly in an unplanned affair because little by little the boundaries began to be crossed in what appeared to be natural work relationships, and suddenly finds herself turned into a full fledged deceitful, lying, uncontrollable emotional flake.

 

 

 

I'm not necessarily convinced that a survey of members of 'dating' sites specifically designed for married partners to connect with random and like minded people can be considered gospel for every type of affair. If anything I am a little surprised the number isn't over 90% as the sites appear to pander to an audience that has no intention of changing their current situations.

 

As far as the reception from the other woman and other man board is concerned, I have seen no stories there where the participants of an affair came together via sites such as these so I would doubt any serious discord would ensue.

[fellini]

No. People do not cheat BECAUSE they are selfish.

 

People CHEAT, and in doing so, demonstrate their selfishness with respect to their significant others. People CHEAT for all kinds of reasons.

 

If you think you can end infidelity by ending selfishness you are delusional.

 

 

 

 

People cheat because some people are selfish. That is what it really comes down to in the end, you can call it narcissism, you can name a bunch of different reasons, but all those roads lead to the exact same destination. You cheat because you feel you should be able to have your cake and eat it too. You feel you shouldn't have to give up one thing to get the other. In essence, you feel like you shouldn't have to act like an adult.

[cocorico]

Most Cheating Spouses Won't Leave Their Marriages, And Here's Why

 

New Huffington Post article only reinforce what many of us already knew about cheaters. I do not like how this article makes it seem like cheating is just something most marriages have due to boredom. I'm a little bored in my marriage ho-hum I think I will have something on the side for a while. I find it funny that 69% of cheaters have no intention of leaving their marriages. The 69% statistic is what is funny to me. If people have no intention of leaving is the excitement worth risking a marriage? I know people are self entered but the risk reward in cheating seems silly. Cheaters eventually get caught, slip up and when they do it may not be up to them to decide whether or not their marriages will remain intact. If a person is lucky enough to have a reconciling spouse it takes years to rebuild the marriage. Maybe I'm too rational or analytical but cheating doesn't make much sense morally but even less for what a person gets out of it for themselves. I'm trying to wrap my mind around why cheat if you don't see the relationship going anywhere? It seems like it is only a self inflicted trap that leaves a lot of pain to others and regret from the cheater. The other women board will not like this study. Why does a person cheat if they know the outcome for both parties is likely not going to be positive or the relationship is one of self satisfaction?

 

I can't comment on the article, as my H's motivation for the A was very different.

 

For him it wasn't about *never* wanting to leave the M, it was about wanting to find a way to stick out the M for a few more years until the kids were old enough to be able to cope with another split.

 

The M was not something he wanted to perpetuate indefinitely. He just wanted to prolong it enough to avoid repeating the trauma they'd been subjected to through the previous separation.

 

In terms of risk, once the potential of the A - offering him affection, love, respect, companionship, intimacy and hope - was manifest, it was obvious to him that the only possibility of him managing to stick out the M was to get those thighs from the A. The alternative was another debilitating clinical depression, which would effectively remove him in all but body from the M anyway. So it was pretty low risk from that perspective - it offered the best possible outcome as far as he could see at the time.

[road]

This is why 78% of marriages survive an affair.

[Eggplant]

If people have no intention of leaving is the excitement worth risking a marriage? I know people are self entered but the risk reward in cheating seems silly. Cheaters eventually get caught, slip up and when they do it may not be up to them to decide whether or not their marriages will remain intact. If a person is lucky enough to have a reconciling spouse it takes years to rebuild the marriage. Maybe I'm too rational or analytical but cheating doesn't make much sense morally but even less for what a person gets out of it for themselves. I'm trying to wrap my mind around why cheat if you don't see the relationship going anywhere? It seems like it is only a self inflicted trap that leaves a lot of pain to others and regret from the cheater.

The rational, conscious part of a person's brain is only the tip of the iceberg. Everything people say and do is really a product of a much deeper psyche, and that sub-conscious being is interested in reproduction.

[Spectre]

Oh, I see. She's no prize, so that justifies his actions?

 

Sounds a LOT like a double standard, I mean, when OW says she knows a BS is 'no prize', and it was 'justification' for an affair, we're a**es.

 

Despicable.

 

Not you, him.

 

 

But really... "To be fair, she wouldn't sleep with him, she refused to be close, to have any kind of emotional intimacy". Your response to THAT is "So what"? Jesus.

 

I never said it justified the actions. Merely that they are both F'ed up. It is true, nobody deserves to be raped. It is also true nobody deserves to be cheated on. These are BOTH horrible actions, but cheating can leave JUST as many scars as rape can, depending on the person. That is all I am saying. One action does not cancel out the other.

Edited April 20, 2014 by Spectre

[goodyblue]

I never said it justified the actions. Merely that they are both F'ed up. It is true, nobody deserves to be raped. It is also true nobody deserves to be cheated on. These are BOTH horrible actions, but cheating can leave JUST as many scars as rape can, depending on the person. That is all I am saying. One action does not cancel out the other.

 

Yeah, I've heard this before. "being cheated on is just as awful as (rape, murder, fill in the blank)". It's NOT.

 

Although for you it must be, you've been a member for nine years. Time to MOVE ON.

[Spectre]

Yeah, I've heard this before. "being cheated on is just as awful as (rape, murder, fill in the blank)". It's NOT.

 

Although for you it must be, you've been a member for nine years. Time to MOVE ON.

 

Okay so..just no. First of all, who is talking about murder? Nobody, not me. Murder is worse then rape and cheating, I never said otherwise. You can't come back from being murdered, period.

 

Please do not sit there and pretend like you are oblivious to the fact that yes, a person can be absolutely DEVASTATED by being cheated on. It may not be the exact same thing as rape, thing with cheating it is more an emotional toll then physical, but that doesn't make the pain any less real and it is utterly crazy to suggest otherwise. Please do not EVER think you have decided which types of emotional trauma are better/worse for someone. It varies, period. Rape is a terrible thing, a horrible thing. Cheating is too in its own way, it can inflict scars that last DECADES and it can utterly devastate entire families. To say cheating isn't as bad is just blind ignorance to the type of world we live in today.

 

Like I said, I am not trying to make light of any rape, but we are not going to play this "my bad thing is worse then your bad thing" game.

 

As for me moving on, yes I have long since moved on from the initial issues that brought me here, not sure why that matters but hey you can certainly point it out if you want.

Edited April 20, 2014 by Spectre

[goodyblue]

Okay so..just no. First of all, who is talking about murder? Nobody, not me. Murder is worse then rape and cheating, I never said otherwise. You can't come back from being murdered, period.

 

Please do not sit there and pretend like you are oblivious to the fact that yes, a person can be absolutely DEVASTATED by being cheated on. It may not be the exact same thing as rape, thing with cheating it is more an emotional toll then physical, but that doesn't make the pain any less real and it is utterly crazy to suggest otherwise. Please do not EVER think you have decided which types of emotional trauma are better/worse for someone. It varies, period. Rape is a terrible thing, a horrible thing. Cheating is too in its own way, it can inflict scars that last DECADES and it can utterly devastate entire families. To say cheating isn't as bad is just blind ignorance to the type of world we live in today.

 

 

 

Like I said, I am not trying to make light of any rape, but we are not going to play this "my bad thing is worse then your bad thing" game.

 

As for me moving on, yes I have long since moved on from the initial issues that brought me here, not sure why that matters but hey you can certainly point it out if you want.

 

You said this:

 

but cheating can leave JUST as many scars as rape can,

 

 

And it's not true.

[Spectre]

You said this:

 

but cheating can leave JUST as many scars as rape can,

 

 

And it's not true.

 

Yes it is, I am talking emotional scars. Who are you to say it can't? That is mind boggling in itself. Are you the authority on emotional pain?

[janedoe67]

To be fair, the wife sounds like no prize herself.

 

THIS is disgusting.

 

Cheating is wrong. Period. No ex cuse. Wrong.

 

To blow off someone being raped and imprisoned because they cheated (or for any reason) shows some serious unhealthy...something. Abd yeah, I know more than one poster feels this way. heck, on a so-called Christian based forum I know of pretty much everybody feels this way.

 

The main reason cheaters tend not to leave is because, in a sick twist of irony, they don't want to be seen as the bad guy. It would be funny if it wasn't so sad. I could sneak off while going "shopping" and cheat, but I couldn't D my husband because then I would be "the bad guy." It's all about the selfishness.

[yellowmaverick]

You said this:

 

but cheating can leave JUST as many scars as rape can,

 

 

And it's not true.

 

Speaking from personal experience, it IS true. For some, the betrayal by a spouse is worse.