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BS role or part in the affair


purplesorrow

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purplesorrow

First session of mc last night for the upcoming divorce and co parenting. She asked my WH why we are divorcing, he responds because he had an affair. She then asks me if I have accepted my roll in the affair? So I said yes, as CIA to his secret agent and I busted up the operation. I had no other roll. It was his choice alone. He didn't have any conversations with me but then thought he could cheat with impunity. He did what he wanted for himself.

I then get the speech of how my marriage caused him to cheat. So I asked why I didn't cheat in the same marriage? No answer. I then asked since I must have been partly responsible for his cheating, does he get some credit for my fidelity? No answer. She told me I was hurt and angry, I said duh!! Can I have my $200.00 back? My cat could have given that assessment.

Is this the general consensus? That because our marriage wasn't perfect I have to accept responsibility for his affair. I accept I wasn't a perfect wife, but I did try. **i later found out she was a WW.

Edited by purplesorrow
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Oh GAWD, the field is filled with morons.

 

Like any other industry, there are awful, good and some great.

 

PLEASE find one that actually has some experience and expertise in treating Infidelity.

 

You have a right to interview prospective MCs....as in have the personally been cheated on? Or, how long are you married? Or, are you divorced?

 

Do not settle.

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It's outstanding the nerve some people have. Sorry, unless you told your spouse "I will kill you if you leave me" and you mean it and they believe you mean it? You play NO ROLE WHATSOEVER in their affair. You can't be held responsible for your partner responding to marriage issues like an utter child. Only crazy people view affairs like that, and it is even worse then this crazy person is a licensed professional meant to solve these issues.

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I hope you get your money back.

 

I completely own whatever part I had in making our marriage difficult, and I'm willing to work on that. I DO NOT take responsibility for my husband's choice to have an affair. That's on him. He agrees.

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purplesorrow
How did you find out she was a WW?

 

Googled her reviews. I should have done that before going. This was something my WH wanted so I had let him find the therapist.

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cozycottagelg
It's outstanding the nerve some people have. Sorry, unless you told your spouse "I will kill you if you leave me" and you mean it and they believe you mean it? You play NO ROLE WHATSOEVER in their affair. You can't be held responsible for your partner responding to marriage issues like an utter child. Only crazy people view affairs like that, and it is even worse then this crazy person is a licensed professional meant to solve these issues.

 

Even still, get a divorce or a relief from abuse order...doesn't mean you need to go get laid.

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Googled her reviews. I should have done that before going. This was something my WH wanted so I had let him find the therapist.

 

So, I guess in your CIA analogy, she would be a double-agent.

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gettingstronger

My role?

 

I trusted my husbands "excuses"

I gave him the benefit of the doubt

I took my lead from him-if he wanted to skip date night because he was tired I did not push it

If he said he was turning in early on a business trip, I did not question it

I treated him like an adult capable of making decisions that should have benefited our family

I held up my end of the bargain by devoting myself to the type of family life we both said we wanted where family came before individual needs

I did without for the benefit of my family-without date night, without extra time and attention for me at the expense of my family

 

Yes, I was a wretched wife and Mother-so glad your therapist help me see the light on my wicked ways-

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purplesorrow
So, I guess in your CIA analogy, she would be a double-agent.

Hilarious! I was wrong to include that about her. But I did feel she was biased. My wh did speak up and say there was nothing I could have done that would have prevented what happened. That was the space he was in at that time. I appreciated that.

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Man Mountain Makino
She then asks me if I have accepted my roll in the affair? So I said yes, as CIA to his secret agent and I busted up the operation. I had no other roll. It was his choice alone. He didn't have any conversations with me but then thought he could cheat with impunity. He did what he wanted for himself.

Awesome! You go, girl!

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Hilarious! I was wrong to include that about her. But I did feel she was biased. My wh did speak up and say there was nothing I could have done that would have prevented what happened. That was the space he was in at that time. I appreciated that.

 

 

That makes him sound like a much smarter person than this counselor.

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painfullyobvious

Great. Now your husband has ammunition and an excuse provided for him for why he cheated. He cheated but guess what you had a role in it too. That line of thinking is dangerous to a marriage and marriage counseling. If I were a narcissist I would grab that train of thought and run with it.

 

I agree with your assessment in your role was to bust up his little fairy tale experience. Your role was being the adult and finding out your husband was betraying you. I'm trying to figure out what the counselor is looking for with that question. I guess your role was you made him cheat. If you go back to that counselor ask her what was her perceived correct answer to that question. Then ask the therapist what her role was in your husbands affair

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purplesorrow
Great. Now your husband has ammunition and an excuse provided for him for why he cheated. He cheated but guess what you had a role in it too. That line of thinking is dangerous to a marriage and marriage counseling. If I were a narcissist I would grab that train of thought and run with it.

 

I agree with your assessment in your role was to bust up his little fairy tale experience. Your role was being the adult and finding out your husband was betraying you. I'm trying to figure out what the counselor is looking for with that question. I guess your role was you made him cheat. If you go back to that counselor ask her what was her perceived correct answer to that question. Then ask the therapist what her role was in your husbands affair

He didn't buy into it. He has always taken responsibility. I work too hard for my money to give her any more of it.

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I like the idea of marriage counseling, but the fact appears to be that most of the counselors are just making things up as they go along. There are really next to no standards or norms, let alone verifiable data on effectiveness.

 

OTOH, I am a contrarian who does think that some BS are at fault in their M and have contributed unwittingly to the A. Any BS who ignores a spouse's pleas for change or fails spectacularly and willfully in living up to the marriage "bargain" shares some level of responsibility. Doesn't sound like you are one of them though.

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OTOH, I am a contrarian who does think that some BS are at fault in their M and have contributed unwittingly to the A.

 

It's one thing to take responsibility for issues within the M. Many BS do. But it's something else to take responsibility for the WS' decision to have an A. The responsibility for that falls solely on the WS.

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I like the idea of marriage counseling, but the fact appears to be that most of the counselors are just making things up as they go along. There are really next to no standards or norms, let alone verifiable data on effectiveness.

 

OTOH, I am a contrarian who does think that some BS are at fault in their M and have contributed unwittingly to the A. Any BS who ignores a spouse's pleas for change or fails spectacularly and willfully in living up to the marriage "bargain" shares some level of responsibility. Doesn't sound like you are one of them though.

I partially agree with this. I don't believe marital problems are always a 50/50 split. I did beg my H for change, MC, etc before I ever cheated. I even told him I was willing to make changes too. He kept telling me he was happy. I guess he thought since he was happy that I was too. However, our marital problems was NOT a reason for me to cheat. I don't believe our problems were 50/50. In fact, my H was in denial on the actual state of our M. He admits that now, but the affair was ALL me. I do not blame him at all. It was my need for an escape and my poor coping skills that caused me to stray. That had nothing to do with my H. OP, I'm glad your H didn't allow the counselor to put the blame on you.

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It's one thing to take responsibility for issues within the M. Many BS do. But it's something else to take responsibility for the WS' decision to have an A. The responsibility for that falls solely on the WS.

 

I think that's exactly right. I just posted something similar on a thread on the OW/OM board. It is 100% MY fault that I cheated. That's on me. But, yes, my H and I both share responsibility for running our marriage into the ground beforehand. Did that make me cheat? Nope. Again, that was my decision. But, my having made a terrible decision doesn't mean that he retroactively gets a free pass for all of the problems that we both contributed to.

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I think that's exactly right. I just posted something similar on a thread on the OW/OM board. It is 100% MY fault that I cheated. That's on me. But, yes, my H and I both share responsibility for running our marriage into the ground beforehand. Did that make me cheat? Nope. Again, that was my decision. But, my having made a terrible decision doesn't mean that he retroactively gets a free pass for all of the problems that we both contributed to.

 

 

Yes, it is the WS choice %100. There are other vows though that seem to not matter after infidelity though. I was guilty of acting this way to my WH.

 

The breaking of any and all vows can be very painful. Being verbally/emotionally abused, physically abused...can have big affects on a person. Having your spouse talk down to you can cause unbelievable resentment. It isn't honoring your vows to do those things either. The answer isn't to cheat but at those times I doubt the WS is looking for a way to resolve things at home.

 

Some will poo poo the fact that those other actions are cruel as well. No excuse to be abusive in any form to your spouse and its a choice to do those things too.

 

Again, it is the WS choice to cheat. The BS can/has made cruel choices as well. After infidelity there could be work for both parties to do on themselves.

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Yes, it is the WS choice %100. There are other vows though that seem to not matter after infidelity though. I was guilty of acting this way to my WH.

 

The breaking of any and all vows can be very painful. Being verbally/emotionally abused, physically abused...can have big affects on a person. Having your spouse talk down to you can cause unbelievable resentment. It isn't honoring your vows to do those things either. The answer isn't to cheat but at those times I doubt the WS is looking for a way to resolve things at home.

 

Some will poo poo the fact that those other actions are cruel as well. No excuse to be abusive in any form to your spouse and its a choice to do those things too.

 

Again, it is the WS choice to cheat. The BS can/has made cruel choices as well. After infidelity there could be work for both parties to do on themselves.

 

 

Cruel choices like what?

 

Many affairs are conducted by the overbenefitted partner. The person giving the least in the relationship.

 

How is that a BS being cruel?

 

The problem I see- is that too many people, betrayeds included, confuse infidelity as a marital issue. It isn't. It is a personal issue.

 

If you robbed a bank, would you call it a teller issue?

 

If you punched a stranger in the face, would you blame them?

 

Sometimes? People have crap coping skills in their lives. And they act out because they like the reward of how that acting out makes them feel.

 

Has nothing to do with their spouses. Not much to do with their affair partners, either. And everything to do with what broken feedback loop they've personally got playing in their head.

 

Infidelity is a personal problem. Not a marital one. And the only ( yup. I'll climb up on the soapbox for this one) way to fix that is for the wayward to find the real why and do the personal work.

 

When that's all shored up? If the marriage still looks like there's an issue? Then. Explore that. But not until the first stuff is straightened

Edited by HermioneG
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Cruel choices like what?

 

Many affairs are conducted by the overbenefitted partner. The person giving the least in the relationship.

 

How is that a BS being cruel?

 

The problem I see- is that too many people, betrayeds included, confuse infidelity as a marital issue. It isn't. It is a personal issue.

 

If you robbed a bank, would you call it a teller issue?

 

If you punched a stranger in the face, would you blame them?

 

Sometimes? People have crap coping skills in their lives. And they act out because they like the reward of how that acting out makes them feel.

 

Has nothing to do with their spouses. Not much to do with their affair partners, either. And everything to do with what broken feedback loop they've personally got playing in their head.

 

 

 

 

What I was saying is that there are more than just one vow. Infidelity isn't the only one that matters. I listed several cruel things that take place in marriages including my own.

 

It's just my opinion as I have lived it.

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What I was saying is that there are more than just one vow. Infidelity isn't the only one that matters. I listed several cruel things that take place in marriages including my own.

 

It's just my opinion as I have lived it.

 

Thank you for the clarification.

 

I agree that infidelity isn't the only thing that can happen. I don't consider infidelity to be a marital problem ( the aftermath is, the causation is not), but I can totally respect that some marriages have other unresolved issues that need attention.

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I knew it wouldn't be popular to say. Doesn't make it any less true.

 

 

It's a personal issue to verbally, physically etc. abuse too. It isn't the victims fault.just like cheating isn't the BS's fault. Some relationship's are unhealthy and with that brings terrible choices and outcomes.

 

I had to look at myself as a BS too.

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The problem I see- is that too many people, betrayeds included, confuse infidelity as a marital issue. It isn't. It is a personal issue.

 

If you robbed a bank, would you call it a teller issue?

 

If you punched a stranger in the face, would you blame them?

 

Sometimes? People have crap coping skills in their lives. And they act out because they like the reward of how that acting out makes them feel.

 

 

Really! only a sociopath blames the victim of the above crimes. "Well, the bank should have had better security." "I didn't like the way he looked at me. He disrespected me. So I shot him."

 

I think it's dangerous to put too much weight on the betrayed partner's failures when looking at the betrayer's choice to cheat. As a poster above said, that's like catnip to a narcissist.

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