What do I do now?

[Ameee]

So here is our story... My fiancé(31) and I(28) have been together for the past 8 years. Our road was never an easy one. The beginning though was like any other relationship though, filled with love and passion in the beginning. The only problem that I saw was that he liked to drink a lot. It wasn't like he was a person who couldn't do without but when he did drink he almost always became out of control. Angry and embarrassing. I loved him though and saw potential in him. I've always been drawn to him (we've known each other for 14 yrs). By the time I was 22, 2yrs in we had our daughter. We were young and the stress of being parents took a toll on us. He was never the emotionally supportive type or very affectionate. His behavior in many ways has always been selfish, but then again so has mine. We continued to keep trucking with our relationship even though sometimes I felt like I deserved more. He bought a house that was supposed to be something that we were going in on together, but there was a mistake made at the closing, and it was imperative that the closing happened that day so I never ended up on the mortgage or deed. I was supposed to be added to the deed later on. By the time our daughter was 3 she was diagnosed with a chronic illness. Him and I got engaged a few months before she started getting sick, so my time to plan a wedding was consumed with her and her health. For the next 2 years we went about our life and I worked diligently on learning to control her symptoms and Flares. I researched for hours and hours every day. He just continued live as he always did. Leaving most of the responsibility on me. He did take care of most of the financial responsibility but I still worked full time to help out. Time passed and I felt neglected. We were hardly intimate and he spent a whole summer drinking and doing things that I'm sure he regrets. He really could be a monster when he drinks. Eventually at the end of 2012 I had enough. I told him that I didn't want this anymore and that I really needed time to live my life. I ended up having a one night stand that he found out about. He still wanted to work things out. He said he could forgive me even though that was one pill he never thought he would be able to swallow. He tried to better himself and worked hard in getting me back. 6 months or so later I was ready to start taking things slowly. I quickly fell back in love with him. By October he proposed to me again and shortly after started a new job. By December he was obviously drifting from me. I tried to get him to talk to me but he always said nothing. I felt in my gut that he had a work girlfriend. He denied it but he was always acting shady on his phone. In January I asked if I could start planning a wedding and he said he wasn't ready and by February we got into a small argument that he pounced on and saw as a way out. He said he didn't think he wanted this and he needed time. He denied that any of it had to do with another woman but I still knew in my heart. A week or two later I received an anonymous letter in the mail stating he was having an affair at work. Both him and the OW denied it. But then I got phone records that proved that all they did was talk. Thousands of text messages between them. I was scared and heartbroken so I gave him an ultimatum he couldn't refuse. He said he would break ties with her and give things with us a real shot. I don't believe that he ever really stopped talking to her. I could tell his heart wasn't in it and didn't want him to be with me bc he felt forced. So I talked to him and took back the ultimatum but let him know that I was going to remain faithful and not give up on us. We also said that we weren't broken up. I always tried to talk to him throughout our relationship but he was never good at communicating or expressing his emotions. He always just stayed mostly silent. All he could say was that he didn't know what he wants and he doesn't feel like he's in love with me anymore or that we mesh well together. I didnt want to tear apart our family and lose my home so I said that even though I'm not legally obligated to I would not bail on our home. He continued to act shady on his phone and continued to go out at night while I continued playing my role as the house wife. Last week I got sick of it and decided to do some serious investigating. I ended up finding out that he was on a date with her and went to the place and waited for them to leave. He was caught red handed says that they only kissed but I don't even care about that. I would have rather if he had a one night stand than just replace me emotionally the way he did. He still says he doesn't know what he wants and couldn't commit to me that he would no longer speak w her. So things have just been the same. I am stuck in a home that no longer feels like home and I am completely heartbroken and feel just abandoned. He seems to think the grass is greener on the other side.. He's placing blame on me and our connection when really I feel like it's all about how he feels about himself and his life. All I know is that I cannot be back in the relationship that I was in. If ever we did work out it would have to be completely new. I just don't know what to do. I don't know how to not give up on us but still do the right thing for myself and our daughter. I hired a relationship coach, so hopefully he can give some good advice but any advice is welcome. Sorry this was so long.

[gettingstronger]

I would sit back and work on me and not worry so much about the relationship- it seems to me like you put up with more than you should have in this relationship-perhaps IC rather than a relationship coach is a better fit-good luck and look out for you-

[BetrayedH]

Time to move out. You're not married and he's got a girlfriend on the side that he won't give up. You're not even on the mortgage. Why would you stay?

 

My only hesitation would be that you should probably speak with a lawyer first. You need to get some guarantee of child support.

[Ameee]

I should also add that we have an apt upstairs in our home. He thinks that we should share the house, but I don't know if I necessarily feel comfortable with that. I also don't know how I would be able to move on constantly seeing him.

[BetrayedH]

I should also add that we have an apt upstairs in our home. He thinks that we should share the house, but I don't know if I necessarily feel comfortable with that. I also don't know how I would be able to move on constantly seeing him.

 

You're right that you'd have a hard time moving on. Back in college, I went thru a breakup with a GF and she started dating a guy that just coincidentally lived next door. It wasn't a good thing for me, at all. Are you really prepared to see them coming and going all the time and potentially hearing them have sex? I also can't imagine him keeping his baby mama upstairs in an apartment. A clean break is what's needed (along with some kind of child support and shared custody agreement).

[fellini]

Sorry you are stuck in this.

 

For me, when he says he "doesn't know what he wants", Id say one way to interpret that is simply, "I am in two relationships, and I don't want to give up either one"

 

Regardless of his affair, he is clearly in a relationship with you still, im not going to bother to guess what, what kind of love, but definitely all those years meant something, even if not a great solid foundation.

 

Either he doesn't want to give up the AP - because he is allowing her into his emotional life in a way he has not allowed you, or because he doesn't, and here we are talking about simple maturity, know how to get out of either. He lacks, in your description, emotional intelligence. Conflict avoidance minimum. And it reads like the two of you have been keeping out of each others emotional way for a while.

 

Im not going to suggest divorce, lawyers, moving out, kicking out, but I will say SOMETHING has to give here. And you need to decide what that is and how you are going to deliver it and to hold course until you get NEW behaviours out of him. Maybe he is so weak he just wants you to make all the decisions, but even then, he will pine for you because he is beginning to become accustomed to his new life as a man in two relationships that seemed, until now, to work out fine for him.

[Ameee]

That is exactly the way I feel. Something has got to give. I just don't know what. I am so torn bc I really do love him and I want to keep my family together. At the same time I know that I deserve more and better. He was never dishonest or unfaithful. He swore he never would be bc his father left his mother for the woman he had an affair with. I don't think he really wants to lose me. Honestly idk how he will survive but that's besides the point. He also has never been a decision maker and I believe that he doesn't want to make a decision bc e doesn't want to deal with the consequences. It's just not fair bc this girl is getting all the good sides of him while I'm stuck w cooking and cleaning and laundry.

[BetrayedH]

He's a classic cake-eater. On top of that, he doesn't want to be the bad guy and break up with either of you so he's putting it on you to do it.

 

Is this what you deserve? I honestly don't know what anyone deserves but I do know that you can do better. But he's not going to give you any more than what you expect for yourself. If you're willing to devalue yourself by sharing your man with another woman, he's not going to stop you. I suggest you decide exactly what your dealbreakers are, communicate them, and stick to them. That's what will help you preserve your self-esteem and self-respect through this whole ordeal. I get that you love him (although you probably love who you thought he was, rather than who he really is) but I hope that you also love yourself enough to not accept unacceptable treatment.

[Ameee]

He's a classic cake-eater. On top of that, he doesn't want to be the bad guy and break up with either of you so he's putting it on you to do it.

 

Is this what you deserve? I honestly don't know what anyone deserves but I do know that you can do better. But he's not going to give you any more than what you expect for yourself. If you're willing to devalue yourself by sharing your man with another woman, he's not going to stop you. I suggest you decide exactly what your dealbreakers are, communicate them, and stick to them. That's what will help you preserve your self-esteem and self-respect through this whole ordeal. I get that you love him (although you probably love who you thought he was, rather than who he really is) but I hope that you also love yourself enough to not accept unacceptable treatment.

 

 

I know I deserve better, and you hit the nail right on the head. I most certainly don't love the immature, irresponsible, dishonest, cheating, hiding, emotional mess that he is right now. The biggest blow to my gut was having to recognize him for what he's become. I just remember that lost feeling that I had last year, granted it was different but I remember it. I know I wasn't perfect in our relationship. I said hurtful things bc I was hurt, I was bossy and controlling bc I wanted him to be more responsible and accountable. Those things are damaging to man and to top it off I slept w someone else while we were on a break. The difference is that I recognize the mistakes that I've made and I will go through hell and high water to change those things about myself for me and for my family. I don't know if that's something he has in him.

[BetrayedH]

I know I deserve better, and you hit the nail right on the head. I most certainly don't love the immature, irresponsible, dishonest, cheating, hiding, emotional mess that he is right now. The biggest blow to my gut was having to recognize him for what he's become. I just remember that lost feeling that I had last year, granted it was different but I remember it. I know I wasn't perfect in our relationship. I said hurtful things bc I was hurt, I was bossy and controlling bc I wanted him to be more responsible and accountable. Those things are damaging to man and to top it off I slept w someone else while we were on a break. The difference is that I recognize the mistakes that I've made and I will go through hell and high water to change those things about myself for me and for my family. I don't know if that's something he has in him.

 

These are some astute observations. You can own your one night stand but you cannot own his. Nor can you make him be the man he should be. You can only control your own actions. In my opinion, you're best suited right now to decide on your own boundaries of what treatment you'll accept and then see if he'll abide by those boundaries or not; that part is his choice. And if they are real boundaries/dealbreakers for you, stick to them.

 

Good luck.

[DeepTrust]

Ameee, I feel your agony and understand your conflicts, confusion, sadness, and anger. I have been there when I discovered my wife's affair. I read a lot of other people's experience and saw several psychologists/therapists. It is a very difficult experience but it is true that you need to take care of your well being first. No one can tell you if your fiance is worth your love or not, you may not even know for sure at this moment. Just remember while the experience is fresh, refrain from making drastic decision. People say time will heal but I learned that it is what you do with the time matters most. Focus on yourself, it is easy said than done but you will get there and only at that time you will start to know what is best for you and your baby. I wish you the best and please do know that you are not alone... I wish infidelity is not as common as it is but it does help to know there are many people who understand what you are going through. Be strong!

[Ameee]

Thank you, that means a lot. I've decided I am going to go move in with my parents. I am so upset and hurt but I have to paste a smile on my face around him and I just can't take it anymore. Sometimes at night he cuddles me, and I can't help thinking that he wishes it was someone else. I have to set boundaries and Apparently he won't abide by any of them, so it's probably best if I just remove myself from the situation. I can not share him, I cannot be a second option. It's time I start moving forward. Maybe hi will catch up, maybe he won't. But I can't move forward seeing him on a daily basis.. Thanks again for the kind words.

[BetrayedH]

Thank you, that means a lot. I've decided I am going to go move in with my parents. I am so upset and hurt but I have to paste a smile on my face around him and I just can't take it anymore. Sometimes at night he cuddles me, and I can't help thinking that he wishes it was someone else. I have to set boundaries and Apparently he won't abide by any of them, so it's probably best if I just remove myself from the situation. I can not share him, I cannot be a second option. It's time I start moving forward. Maybe hi will catch up, maybe he won't. But I can't move forward seeing him on a daily basis.. Thanks again for the kind words.

 

All smart decisions, Ameee. In the early days, that was the toughest part for me. When we're in the middle of it, we tend to make decisions based more on our emotions than we should. But you've got to do your best to make decisions with your head. Getting some distance and detaching is a very wise step, IMHO.

[DeepTrust]

All smart decisions, Ameee. In the early days, that was the toughest part for me. When we're in the middle of it, we tend to make decisions based more on our emotions than we should. But you've got to do your best to make decisions with your head. Getting some distance and detaching is a very wise step, IMHO.

 

I agree with BetrayedH, you made some smart choices here.

[Ameee]

I wanted to come back to my original thread and see if anyone on here has any good advice, or cheerful words lol I could def use them. I had said that I was going to move in with my parents, I told him too but I just can't. My parents house is disgusting. There is no room for me or for my daughter and there is no way to clean anything out bc they won't let me. I don't have any money saved or have credit established. I am working very hard on improving both of those things so I will be able to get on my feet. Everything that is in this house is mine, except furniture which we picked out together. All the work that was done was bc of me. Last Saturday he had her up at the bar while I was home playing Easter bunny and his sister and friends were there too. They don't even know what's going on, but how embarrassing. Easter Sunday I told him I was leaving, of course the conversation was way more than just that but then I went to my parents and saw mice crap everywhere and then called up crying that I couldn't do it. So I've been staying here. Switching off the nights when we are home and alternating who sleeps on the couch. I found receipts from a wine bar that he took her to, and then literally had to watch him get ready for a date. Wearing the clothes that I bought him, my shaving cream was left in the shower so you all know what was nice and smooth. I can't take it. And I just don't say anything to him. He disgusts me. I can't believe the person that he is. I know that I should have looked out more for myself throughout this relationship but I really never saw this coming. I am stuck in the worst kind of situation bc it's better for my daughter to be here for now, but it is killing me. I am so mad at myself for being with a person like this. All the bs that I took from him, chances, for this. How am I supposed to move on when I have to see this stuff. It was over for me at one point and he had to drag me back in just to do this.

[BetrayedH]

Tough, tough situation. I feel for you.

 

I can understand not wanting to move in with your folks. It would have been a good temporary move to get on your feet but it's not feasible and it is what it is. You can't have your daughter around filth.

 

That leaves you in a position where you'll have to make do at home until you can get your own place. From where I sit, you have two financial challenges: (1) Getting enough income to support yourself and (2) Getting a retainer together for a Family Law attorney so you can get child support for your daughter.

 

It sounds like you may have a 'Common Law Marriage' scenario. You have been together 8 years, have had a daughter together for 6, and you live together (I'm guessing that it's been for a while). It doesn't sound like there's much dispute about him being the father but you may still have to establish paternity in order to get court ordered support since you're not married. Whether or not he's listed as the father on her birth certificate may be a factor. Since you're not married, you're much more likely to be granted full custody of your daughter and typically when you are unmarried and separate, the mother has sole custody until the father petitions the court for shared custody; until then, she stays with you by default. At the end if the day the more custody that you have, the more the father will have to pay. You may also find judges to be very sympathetic with you if you're the primary caregiver of a special needs child, don't have the financial means to be independent, and the father is dating other women before you're even separated. Sounds kinda complicated, huh? You need more than some random dude on the internet giving you legal counsel. You need an attorney. To get a head start, start looking for ones that give a free consultation. And look into 'Legal Aid.'

 

Consider asking a friend or relative for a loan. I was once in a bad spot and borrowed $10k from a friend that I knew could afford it. We wrote up a promissory note with a payment schedule, 3% interest, had it notarized, and he gave me a year before I started payments. It cost me about $250 a month for a few years (it wasn't free money after all) but what a timely shot in the arm that $10k was. And my friend felt confident that he'd get his money back since it wasn't just done on a handshake. Look, it was a rare scenario and I was certainly lucky but it's an example of thinking outside the box to get out of a bad situation.

 

The biggest thing is that you've got a lot of work ahead of you and you need to have your head in the game. Do your best to stay focused on the tasks at hand. The emotional stuff sucks but it's a distraction. You've got a new life ahead of you without this douchebag. Go get it.