Can the OW in this situation?

[Still-I-Rise]

Can the OW help in this situation?

 

My STBXH walked out on our family last year disowned our children and said he never wanted to see us again.

 

He illegally filed for divorce, perjured himself with the court, and moved right in with another woman. He'd had an apartment for her for at least a couple years prior, without my knowledge. I accidentally spoke with her on the phone.

 

She was rude and cruel the first time. He filed a restraining order against me for calling a number he told me belonged to a male friend - it was the OW's - trying to reach him. The order was thrown out.

 

The next time we spoke she told me she'd been trying to stay out of it for as long as she could. I was shocked but not rude. From my understanding they live in a wonderful place and bought a new mercedes as soon as he left home with our savings. He's also helping with her children and not ours.

 

It's been rough but my kids and I are making it and rebuilding our lives.

 

We don't call him for anything. It's over.

 

He keeps calling me at work and on my cellphone from strange numbers. He gave my attorney bogus reasons for wanting to stop by our home but didn't followup with her.

 

To the OW - would you want to know if your man was contacting his ex if it had nothing to do with their children? Surely if he loved the OW enough to walk away from his four children, marriage, lifelong friendship, etc., then she must have some influence over him.

 

I don't want him. I don't ever want to see or hear from him again. I don't want to interrupt their lives. I don't care what they are doing I just want him to stop calling me. I do hope he reunites with his children some day when he is healthier mentally.

 

For the record, I've asked one of his cousins, the only member of his family I talk with, to ask him to stop calling and having strange people call our children's phones. STBXH denies he's calling.

 

Should I reach out to his partner? I don't want to cause them problems because I don't want him even attempting to return. But what else can I do?

 

Thanks in advance.

[Nothisgirl]

I'm so sorry for what you went through what a poor excuse for a man.

 

If I was you I would just leave it be. And if he keeps harassing you and the kids with the random calls I would contact the police and have them speak to him.

 

Again I am so sorry but you sound so strong, your children are blessed to have you

[QuakerOats]

I wouldn't contact her. I'm sure she knows they communicate.

[Ms. Red]

 

He keeps calling me at work and on my cellphone from strange numbers.

 

 

What does he say when he calls? He must be speaking for you to know it's him since you don't know the "strange numbers."

 

 

To the OW - would you want to know if your man was contacting his ex if it had nothing to do with their children?

 

 

The answers to this can be as varied as varied as OW are.

 

 

I don't want him. I don't ever want to see or hear from him again. I don't want to interrupt their lives. I don't care what they are doing I just want him to stop calling me. I do hope he reunites with his children some day when he is healthier mentally.

 

 

So straight up tell him this the next time he calls you and swiftly hang up. Repeat as needed till he gets the message.

 

 

For the record, I've asked one of his cousins, the only member of his family I talk with, to ask him to stop calling and having strange people call our children's phones. STBXH denies he's calling.

 

 

What do these strange people that call your children say?

 

 

Should I reach out to his partner? I don't want to cause them problems because I don't want him even attempting to return.

 

 

I don't think you should reach out to her. I don't see any good coming from that. I can imagine all kinds of bad but nothing good comes to mind if you should contact her.

 

But what else can I do?

Thanks in advance.

 

 

When he calls you say as I advised above, "I don't ever want to see or hear from you again. I don't care what you are doing. Stop calling me!" and then hang up. Repeat as needed.

 

I am so sorry but you sound so strong, your children are blessed to have you

 

 

I agree! Stay strong!

[Still-I-Rise]

I've told him to stop calling in the past. I've also informed him to allow all communications to go through my attorney.

 

He uses a spoofing service to call with disguised numbers after he can't reach me other ways. Thing is sometimes he uses numbers that I recognize as if he wants me to know it's him. I.e., a number to our former online voice mail services from a decade ago.

 

I was constantly changing my mobile number but somehow he got my latest number and told our daughter he only had the first six digits of it because I'd been secretly calling him. (They speak once a month or every other month.)

 

Our eldest daughter compares him to a young child who's put his hands over his eyes believing it to be enough to make him invisible.

 

Friday he called my job stating an emergency regarding one of our children just to get me to talk to him. He spoke with the receptionist where I work. She told him I was not in the office.

 

Nevertheless, I called to check on our children and one of our girls called him - she is 20 - and he insinuated something tragic happened to our eldest daughter at college.

 

I still didn't bite. He is used to pulling my strings.

 

The calls to the children's phone were from women looking for him. There was no reason for anyone to have their mobile phone numbers.

 

Our 20 year old is the only one who talks to him from time to time but she changed her number because someone started calling for him two weeks ago and it scared her. The woman told her she wanted to come by our home.

 

I did have strange women calling my number and last year he told me if women called to say they were having sex with him I should say, "So what!, just like Little Bill from Bill Cosby's children's books."

 

I'm not sure if his OW knows he calls because he has different phones and times he calls. They work in the same building.

 

One of his cousins who I consider a friend told me a large part of the problem is I am not jealous nor hurtful in any of this.

 

He said it is important to a man that the woman he leaves is jealous... Anyway, I did beg my STBXH to stay and attempt marital counseling.

 

He said no and told me he never loved me, etc. So I let him go.

 

I found out about the other woman accidentally. He'd attempted to have our electricity turned off at home so I started checking with all the utility companies and the car insurance and that's when I found out. The insurance agent thought I was calling about our new 2014 Mercedes to a different address.

 

His cousin said he still denies the existence of the other woman. Last year I told him it seemed to me she wanted to be acknowledged and encouraged him to do so.

 

He wrote the court he has never been intimately involved with anyone outside our marriage.

 

Go figure.

Edited April 13, 2014 by Still-I-Rise

[Eivuwan]

Sounds very frustrating. I don't understand how he keeps getting your numbers if you keep changing them?

[Ms. Red]

Wow what a mess you're dealing with. I'm so sorry this is all happening. I'm guessing there is nothing legally you can do since it would be hard to prove it is him with him disguising the numbers.

 

 

I feel even stronger about my answer to your question of telling the OW. I really don't see that doing anything but making things worse.

 

Friday he called my job stating an emergency regarding one of our children just to get me to talk to him. He spoke with the receptionist where I work. She told him I was not in the office.

 

Nevertheless, I called to check on our children and one of our girls called him - she is 20 - and he insinuated something tragic happened to our eldest daughter at college.

 

I still didn't bite. He is used to pulling my strings.

 

 

This is cruel. Did he have this kind of personality throughout the marriage before you knew anything was wrong or is this new behavior for him?

 

One of his cousins who I consider a friend told me a large part of the problem is I am not jealous nor hurtful in any of this.

 

He said it is important to a man that the woman he leaves is jealous... Anyway, I did beg my STBXH to stay and attempt marital counseling.

 

He said no and told me he never loved me, etc. So I let him go.

 

 

I'd like to hear from men about this statement from the cousin. I don't believe I've heard that about men before. If it's true in your XH's case then it would seem that he wants to know you are suffering which is cruel. Attempting to scare you with the college daughter story and this (wanting you to suffer, if that's it) makes him seem so cruel.

 

 

I think instead of asking if you should tell the OW, you should ask how to make this crazy contact from him come to an end. I have no idea how to do that.

[gettingstronger]

Thats a tough one- as someone that always tells the OWs on this forum to tell the BS because they are entitled to the truth how can I not tell you the same thing- I can not say because the OW got herself in this mess that she is any less entitled to the truth than a blind sided BS-

 

I would give you the same advice I give the OWs-give him a deadline-you have 2 weeks to come clean to your GF or I will-

[fellini]

I would simply not engage any communication that is not vital to the lives of your children. You go NC with him. As soon as you get a call, and you know it's not legit, you hang up. You do not try to find out what is going on. This is a game, if you play it. It becomes harassment if you do not.

 

Is it absolutely essential that you, or your children take any incoming calls if you do not know the caller? I don't, even though it is a business phone. People know how to reach me through FB, through SMS, through email. There is no reason to take every single call that rings. But this will depend on what your phone is for.

[whatatangledweb]

I don't think I would contact her unless you have proof. He will convince her you are making it up to break them up. I would guess those women are calling your children's numbers because he gave them to the women after a fling. Meaning he is cheating and instead of not giving them a number he gives them a number he knows. Pretty screwed up to do to your children. Is there anything your lawyer can do? Are you now divorced?

[cozycottagelg]

I wouldn't contact her. Like you said, you don't want him showing back up if she kicks him out. Just keep blocking and ignoring. It may not seem like it, but eventually it will go away.

[No Limit]

Don't contact her. You'll just be made the villain.

And as someone mentioned above, why pick up strange numbers? If you see it's not a number you know or a number you know is coming from your ex, ignore it.

 

And if even your daughter can tell he's mentally...let's just say not at his height, that's even more a reason to ignore it at all cost.

And don't let it make you nervous or even scare you either. It's rather amusing really, an adult man turning into a baby playing peek-a-boo.

Maybe the OW hit him on the head a bit too hard, lmao.

[Popsicle]

Tell HIM to stop calling you. Put it in writing so you have proof that you asked him to.

[2sunny]

If you don't want the calls - file a restraining order on him.

 

And no, don't tell his other gal - she will learn his ways on her own in due time.

[Still-I-Rise]

We had another divorce hearing today and things are getting worse.

 

He was angry, combative and I think very close to contempt.

 

His sister came from out of town to support him.

 

Although she didn't speak when I said hello I thanked her for pushing him to request visitation - I think the optics bothered her - and kissed her cheek. We talked some later and she asked me to remember that she and I aren't divorcing. We didn't have a relationship during the marriage as they were estranged for many years but she wants one now.

 

Quite a bit transpired at the hearing and he lied himself in circles. I said nothing and didn't even respond to his new/strange accusations.

 

He isn't used to dealing with the consequences of his lies/actions. And although I am not pressing any issues, he blames me for EVERYTHING. It is so sad. I enabled him terribly.

 

On my way home from the courthouse I noticed he was parked at the family residence. I drove to a police barracks while calling the local jurisdiction to go to my home. My son was home and the 911 operator told him to lock himself in a secure place in the house.

 

He was apparently banging on the door when the cops showed up. The police said he told them the judge said he was to come directly to my home after the hearing.

 

He lied. The judge told him several times to stay away from the family residence for now.

 

My son said he thought his father was going to kill him.

 

I'd told my children I loved them last night and again this morning and that no matter what happened today...

 

Police strongly pressed me to file a protective order and asked about past acts of domestic violence. I NEVER reported him in the past although there were instances.

 

My STBXH is angry because he believed filing for a divorce meant it would happen right away. I tried explaining the process to him but he didn't listen. He's always been a know-it-all. (I don't say that meanly - we'd been close friends since we were four years of age.)

 

Anyway, I heard my SIL attempt to calm him down and knew I should be on alert when he said he would not go home as she suggested following the hearing.

 

For the record: He was never consistently aggressive and cruel in the past. He was always docile and kind and our laughing together was something friends often admired. He changed dramatically the past few years. I don't miss him though. I am grateful for the past but I've no desire to go back and retrieve it.

 

His cousin told me some in the family are begging him to attempt reconciliation and I asked him to convey to those doing so to cease and desist out of respect for his relationship.

 

Be it right or wrong it is between him and the higher power of his understanding to work out.

 

I hope our story does not end up on the news but rather he calms down and gets a level grip on this process he started.

 

I'm not going to call the OW. Thank you all for the advice.

Edited April 15, 2014 by Still-I-Rise

[No Limit]

It doesn't matter how civil and friendly he was in the past - right now he's going crazy. If he ever pulls something like that off again, I'd start taking precautions. I remember a thread in which a woman gained the right to carry a gun by the court. If this happens again maybe you should at least ask about this option.

 

This isn't a game, and the policemen won't spawn out of nowhere if he gets another spin in his little mind. Protect yourself.

[nais]

If he left for the OW im sure she needs no information- you were not warned, let her find out on her own. He was selfish-

Im an OW but I do not insist on him leaving home. We have discussed this as recently as today- He hates to talk about the D word but he may see it as a requirement for me but it is not. How can I declare love yet want to take you from a situation I always knew of and agreed to. If he leaves it will be that he decided that was over- not because of me but despite me.

 

 

Its hard to love two people, in doing so you hurt someone ultimately. He may eventually hurt himself in the situation. Best thing for all- keep rising

[Spark1111]

Well, I disagree.

 

he is losing his marbles and may becoming dangerous. Please keep calling and documenting with the police AND HIS family. maybe they can have a positive influence with him!

 

You gave him everything his actions in an affair dictated that he wanted, and now, he doesn't want it...SHOCKER, I know...BUT very, very common.

 

Please keep yourself safe, and your children.....first and foremost.

 

While the OW is not your concern right now, I cannot help but feel sorry for her.

 

Here, she feels she won the man, her true love, and he is stalking, begging, and torturing YOU for not....what? loving him enough to not fight for him? want him back? be angry and jealous and punishing over it all?

 

Please be very, very careful here.....

 

These boards are filled with people given kindly carte blanche to live with their APs....and in some twisted, sad and convoluted way, it turns out to be the LAST THING they wanted.....

[jnel921]

Other than a court of law, you shouldn't be around your stbxh. There is no reason to talk. He made his choice. Let him stew in it. The less he knows about you and what you are doing the better. The more you speak to anyone related to him, the more he will beleive he has something to hold on to in regards to pour M.

 

I am so sorry that he hurt you for so many years. Do not speak to the OW. She knew and didn't care. Why speak with her now? He is her issue...not yours.

 

Some people are selfish beyond belief. Let him deal with these consequences. Walking out on your kids is a big deal. I am sure he will feel this from them in the future. You continue to take care of yourself and your kids.

 

Stay away from your stbxh and his OW. You are better off.

 

Good luck to you.

[jnel921]

 

While the OW is not your concern right now, I cannot help but feel sorry for her.

 

.....

 

I don't feel sorry for anyone who clearly knew the person they were with was M with children. She deserves everything that is coming to her. No sympathy here.

[Still-I-Rise]

I did not get a protective order as there was no current legal basis, which I figured before placing my request. However, I followed the advice of the responding officers.

 

In summation, he basically has to physically attack me before one can be issued.

 

I'm hopeful that will not happen.

 

Strangely, I was okay I didn't get the order because I felt my guard would have dropped a little.

 

Leaving the courthouse I felt resolved and determined to take my power back from him!

 

So, I called to see what he wanted from me...the house. He was caught off guard because I've refused his calls for months. He was angry and loud but basically wanted nothing. I spoke calmly and explained some things about the proceedings he started but didn't seem to understand.

 

In the end he wanted to know how I was...etc. I told him not to worry about me as I was no longer his concern. It seemed as if he wanted to catch-up.

 

I stopped him saying it was inappropriate given his new relationship and said I would wait for his call when he was ready to visit his children and that was that.

 

He begged for my personal number but I refused him (I called from a blocked number). He can call at work or contact me via my attorney.

 

In the meantime, I remain vigilant and will continue to move forward in my happy life.

 

Be well all.

Edited April 20, 2014 by Still-I-Rise

[Still-I-Rise]

My soon to be ex calls me at least 3-6 times a day.

 

Talking to him shuts me down so I have to ignore him most of the time. He wants to rehash the relationship and talk about random things. I don't. The judge told him any conversation must be restricted to a discussion regarding our youngest child and yet he goes on and on.

 

I've asked this before but someone please speculate where the heck the OW is in all of this? Why isn't he on a leash?

 

In the beginning he had no time for us. He took all of our savings, etc., and moved to a rather upscale location. He was the star of the show. His behavior was abhorrent and designed to wound us deeply.

 

He now says he wants to see the children he disowned last year and they are not interested although I encourage them to forgive him.

 

His abandonment left them devastated.

 

The child support order just kicked in last month and he has only made two partial payments to date. The arrears are pretty high and he has not paid one penny of the family support the judge ordered.

 

I don't ask for anything nor do I call him.

 

When his affair was hot and heavy we could never reach him and even on the rare occasions we did it was at specific times.

 

He now calls all day long and claims his one regret was not taking his children with him! He blames me for his leaving. Everything was my fault.

 

I gave him his freedom and never once looked back. I really like my life and have no desire to ever see him again.

 

What more can I do to make him go away for good?

 

Linda

[gettingstronger]

I'm sorry you are still dealing with this. It sounds as though he is using the fact you are a dedicated mother against you. I applaud you taking the high road for the sake of your children. Be well and good luck.

[goodyblue]

Hi. You may not want to hear from me as I am a FOW. But I'll tell you something... this man sounds like he is on drugs. I'm not kidding. Either that or mentally ill. People don't behave in this manner unless there is a serious issue. Was he like this when you were a couple or did this come on all of a sudden? If he hid the affair for years, was he kind and a good father during that time and when you found out, freaked out? I'm just trying to get a picture.

 

TBH... his OW probably feels as trapped by him as you do right now. If he's this erratic, etc. with her is he is you, it's got to be madness in their lives.

 

What a crazy making situation. I am so sorry this is happening, it's got to be maddening. Especially your kids. I would never do that to my kids. When my MM first left (I guess I should say it wasn't crazy like this, it was just a marriage gone roommate thing), his adult children were not very happy, but they understood. They were okay with things soon enough and now have a very good relationship with their father. And my guy NEVER ABANDONED THEM. He certainly never used them as pawns, as it sounds your STBX is.

 

My advice? Get a protective order for all of you. You feel threatened. He's acting absolutely nuts.

 

Change all of your numbers. I know it is a pain, but it would solve him calling you. Make sure you are not addicted to the drama (it certainly does NOT sound like you are). And hang in there. Your posts are sporadic, which to me says you're dealing with this on your own. That's terrible. There are BS's here who can help you much more than I can, and they know a lot. Please take the advice they give if it seems it will help.

 

Keep posting here. You need support. Chin up.

[HereNorThere]

We had another divorce hearing today and things are getting worse.

 

He was angry, combative and I think very close to contempt.

 

His sister came from out of town to support him.

 

Although she didn't speak when I said hello I thanked her for pushing him to request visitation - I think the optics bothered her - and kissed her cheek. We talked some later and she asked me to remember that she and I aren't divorcing. We didn't have a relationship during the marriage as they were estranged for many years but she wants one now.

 

Quite a bit transpired at the hearing and he lied himself in circles. I said nothing and didn't even respond to his new/strange accusations.

 

He isn't used to dealing with the consequences of his lies/actions. And although I am not pressing any issues, he blames me for EVERYTHING. It is so sad. I enabled him terribly.

 

On my way home from the courthouse I noticed he was parked at the family residence. I drove to a police barracks while calling the local jurisdiction to go to my home. My son was home and the 911 operator told him to lock himself in a secure place in the house.

 

He was apparently banging on the door when the cops showed up. The police said he told them the judge said he was to come directly to my home after the hearing.

 

He lied. The judge told him several times to stay away from the family residence for now.

 

My son said he thought his father was going to kill him.

 

I'd told my children I loved them last night and again this morning and that no matter what happened today...

 

Police strongly pressed me to file a protective order and asked about past acts of domestic violence. I NEVER reported him in the past although there were instances.

 

My STBXH is angry because he believed filing for a divorce meant it would happen right away. I tried explaining the process to him but he didn't listen. He's always been a know-it-all. (I don't say that meanly - we'd been close friends since we were four years of age.)

 

Anyway, I heard my SIL attempt to calm him down and knew I should be on alert when he said he would not go home as she suggested following the hearing.

 

For the record: He was never consistently aggressive and cruel in the past. He was always docile and kind and our laughing together was something friends often admired. He changed dramatically the past few years. I don't miss him though. I am grateful for the past but I've no desire to go back and retrieve it.

 

His cousin told me some in the family are begging him to attempt reconciliation and I asked him to convey to those doing so to cease and desist out of respect for his relationship.

 

Be it right or wrong it is between him and the higher power of his understanding to work out.

 

I hope our story does not end up on the news but rather he calms down and gets a level grip on this process he started.

 

I'm not going to call the OW. Thank you all for the advice.

 

Wait......... what? You thanked the sister for requesting visitation? Shouldn't you be trying to get her to get him to give up his parental rights? You've totally lost me now.

 

At this point, I think protective orders need to be in place and you should look at moving far, far away. Find somewhere with the least amount of jobs in his occupation, never sign up for a bill in your name and basically live like a fugitive until all your kids are old enough to fend for themselves.