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Moral high ground?


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I'm astounded by the hypocrisy that exists in regard to infidelity.

 

In my situation, my husband had joined a new company and it required more business travel. It was a huge sacrifice on my part because as a mother, but also the owner if my own company I was going to have to take on more responsibility.

 

I was lonely, overworked, but I knew it was something temporary, as my husband was in place to eventually secure a promotion that was based in our city's head office.

 

What a cliche, a married man on business travel ends up cheating.:(

 

To make a long story short, a few months after d-day my husband confesses that many of the men in his circle of work colleagues and the environment at this company is filled with cheating husbands. It was, accepted and endorsed.

 

Birds of a feather stick together......

 

 

Another thing that bothers me in regard to the moral high ground are OW/OM, who are offended by being lied to or judge someone else's character. It's the pot calling the kettle black.

 

I'm interested in feedback as to whether infidelity is a study on moral high ground and hypocrisy.

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Hope Shimmers
I'm astounded by the hypocrisy that exists in regard to infidelity.

 

In my situation, my husband had joined a new company and it required more business travel. It was a huge sacrifice on my part because as a mother, but also the owner if my own company I was going to have to take on more responsibility.

 

I was lonely, overworked, but I knew it was something temporary, as my husband was in place to eventually secure a promotion that was based in our city's head office.

 

What a cliche, a married man on business travel ends up cheating.:(

 

To make a long story short, a few months after d-day my husband confesses that many of the men in his circle of work colleagues and the environment at this company is filled with cheating husbands. It was, accepted and endorsed.

 

Birds of a feather stick together......

 

 

Another thing that bothers me in regard to the moral high ground are OW/OM, who are offended by being lied to or judge someone else's character. It's the pot calling the kettle black.

 

I'm interested in feedback as to whether infidelity is a study on moral high ground and hypocrisy.

 

Hey Furious, I'm glad you started this. I had the same question and thought about starting a thread but couldn't have worded it as well.

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This is great!

 

While I am living in suburbia where family, marriage and kids are valued to the nth degree, my H gets a new high-powered job, one we had been praying for.

 

THAT's where he crashed into her, a newly hired, newly divorced co-worker.

 

In order to support him and his goals for OUR future, I take on a third job and shoulder 90% of the responsibility with OUR children so he can be freed up to pursue his professional dream for us.

 

BIG MISTAKE.

 

This corporation was a very traditional, conservative and religious group going through a transitional period of growth and development.

 

He and the OW were not the same religion as the corporation and struck up a work friendship feeling like outsiders and it went too far. Poor us.

 

Bottom line: He and she CHOSE to align themselves with the players, the victims, the us against the world mentality of those who were enjoying the single lifestyle and betraying their spouses......a small, small, minority who convinced themselves it was deserved, okay, and everybody is doing it.

 

No, the majority went faithfully home to their spouses, despite the hours, stress and environment.

 

We CHOOSE who we want to align and empathize with.

 

You lay down with dogs, you WILL wake up with fleas.

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What happens outside of my marriage with my wife(ex) has no impact on me emotionally. What others do is what they do and should be handles within their marriage.

 

For me the double standard would be cheating then expecting my wife to remain faithful. Having and texting female friends then being upset with her doing the same. Having friends or co-workers who cheat has no affect on my expectations of myself or my wife to be faithful.

 

Weak minded people allow what others say and do to impact decisions they make. I am am and always have been above peer pressure.

 

I am my own man, I don't blame people for decisions I make in life no matter if the result in good or bad in outcome. I take ownership of my actions, yet its not my place to own theirs.

 

Personal choice is just that, I will voice my opinion with those close to me and they can take it for what its worth to them.

 

Is losing life long friends best when said friend cheats on HIS wife? Nah, unless he is cheating with my wife. Does it mean by remaining his friends I accept or approve of his cheating? Of course not. I'm just not judgemental enough to ruin my friendship because of a decision he (they) made within his(their) marriage.

Edited by DKT3
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PS: I have lived an exemplary life in this suburb, located within 50 miles outside of one of the major metropolises in the world, for almost 30 years.....

 

I have many a single, divorced, widowed female friend.

 

They would not touch a MM with a ten foot-pole. They are all accomplished, confident and successful in their own right. they have ALL been hit upon too many times to mention. They recoil at these unwanted advances and sometimes, unrelenting pursuits.

 

But we all know women who do engage, participate, and pursue the unattainable. They believe the lies, they want to or need to, they want our lives, the successful, proven alpha male.....and we feel very, very sorry for them.

 

An affair is a set up for pain. Why would a woman ever engage in one with a MM?

 

if he loves you, TRULY loves you, he will come find you.....after he is divorced and free to live an authentic, out in the open, out loud life with you.

 

one friend realized this and they are so happy, we are so happy for them. She put tough, timetable boundaries in place and he respected her enough to ABIDE them.

 

the other? He was so much more about hurting his BS because he thought she didn't love him enough, that he dumped my friend, the unwitting OW during his separation, and married the very next woman who knew NOTHING of the mess he created with his xW, their kids (they despise him) and my friend, his fOW..

 

hey, you reap what you sow.....or allow to be sewn.

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Dkt3, truly a sad way to manage friends. A true friend doesn't let his friends step on a land mine or do injury to others. Which infidelity indeed does. Keep your head in the sand. This topic is for folks who have been affacted by it and wish to voice the reality of it.

 

Because "corporate" modern day society has hampered morals ,marriage is no longer sacred to companies. Most operate with such ethics that makes my skin crawl. The statement "dont take it personal its just business" translates into i can disrespect you and your morals.... Its just business. So being blind to company tryst is a health problem... Mentally and socially. For the spouse's who are doing 90% of the giving.... Stop. Its side tracking and freeing up cheaters.

 

On a side note, i took care of a patient ( she had multi sclorosis, ending stage) and her husband came every day to feed her and tend to her. He also had a girlfriend. During a conversation he shared that the courts denied him a divorce because of his wifes' ailment and the fact she couldnt contest it even if she wanted to. The courts told him that he would still have to provide for all her medical care and her life services- food shelter... Etc. so by law he is cheating on her.... Yet i sat and listened to a man that cared about his wife and still was a man wanting a verbal and physically active relations. Who was I, given this mans' devotion, to sit and call him a cheat. Some circumstances are not as cut and dry....

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What happens outside of my marriage with my wife(ex) has no impact on me emotionally. What others do is what they do and should be handles within their marriage.

 

For me the double standard would be cheating then expecting my wife to remain faithful. Having and texting female friends then being upset with her doing the same. Having friends or co-workers who cheat has no affect on my expectations of myself or my wife to be faithful.

 

Weak minded people allow what others say and do to impact decisions they make. I am am and always have been above peer pressure.

 

I am my own man, I don't blame people for decisions I make in life no matter if the result in good or bad in outcome. I take ownership of my actions, yet its not my place to own theirs.

 

Personal choice is just that, I will voice my opinion with those close to me and they can take it for what its worth to them.

 

Is losing life long friends best when said friend cheats on HIS wife? Nah, unless he is cheating with my wife. Does it mean by remaining his friends I accept or approve of his cheating? Of course not. I'm just not judgemental enough to ruin my friendship because of a decision he (they) made within his(their) marriage.

 

DK, I like everything you wrote until the last paragraph....

 

Knowing the pain infidelity has caused, me, us, our children and our family, I would be astonished a close friend would even confess their infidelity to me.

 

because my closest friends saw, heard my pain, and cheerleader me through every stage of the process of healing.

 

Today, they Would KNOW my stance on the matter and I would NEVER tolerate a friend perpetrating the same pain on an unsuspecting spouse.

 

they would have an EARFUL, a timetable to disclose to their spouse, or I would assuredly do that for them....and if they didn't like it?

 

We would be done for good and I would be okay with it.

 

NO secrets kept that cause another pain. that is what infidelity has taught me. Buh-bye friendship IF you do not understand that...

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Dkt3, truly a sad way to manage friends. A true friend doesn't let his friends step on a land mine or do injury to others. Which infidelity indeed does. Keep your head in the sand. This topic is for folks who have been affacted by it and wish to voice the reality of it.

 

Because "corporate" modern day society has hampered morals ,marriage is no longer sacred to companies. Most operate with such ethics that makes my skin crawl. The statement "dont take it personal its just business" translates into i can disrespect you and your morals.... Its just business. So being blind to company tryst is a health problem... Mentally and socially. For the spouse's who are doing 90% of the giving.... Stop. Its side tracking and freeing up cheaters.

 

On a side note, i took care of a patient ( she had multi sclorosis, ending stage) and her husband came every day to feed her and tend to her. He also had a girlfriend. During a conversation he shared that the courts denied him a divorce because of his wifes' ailment and the fact she couldnt contest it even if she wanted to. The courts told him that he would still have to provide for all her medical care and her life services- food shelter... Etc. so by law he is cheating on her.... Yet i sat and listened to a man that cared about his wife and still was a man wanting a verbal and physically active relations. Who was I, given this mans' devotion, to sit and call him a cheat. Some circumstances are not as cut and dry....

 

very small minority, forgiveness due. few would judge him....probably not even his wife if she possessed her full mental and physical faculties.

 

certainly not the norm of what is presented on this site.....Devoted spouse...selfish cheater...g

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Hope Shimmers
I have many a single, divorced, widowed female friend.

 

They would not touch a MM with a ten foot-pole. They are all accomplished, confident and successful in their own right. they have ALL been hit upon too many times to mention. They recoil at these unwanted advances and sometimes, unrelenting pursuits.

 

Hey spark. Sounds like you have great and perfect friends!

 

I am considered an accomplished, confident, and successful woman too. I have too been 'hit upon' by MM more times than I can count. And I recoiled at the unwanted advances.

 

But alas, I am not perfect and made a mistake. I dated a man who was separated and ended up where I am. So I take my blame for dating a "married" man as many have told me it is my fault.

 

But we all know women who do engage, participate, and pursue the unattainable. They believe the lies, they want to or need to, they want our lives, the successful, proven alpha male.....and we feel very, very sorry for them.

 

I think that by the time you are in love with someone, you want to or need to believe and trust in them. Just like you likely did in your marriage. It doesn't mean you DO trust (as you didn't in the end). Doesn't mean it is done blindly. But I think it's quite natural to want to believe and trust in the one you love. Don't you?

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[quote=DKT3;

 

Is losing life long friends best when said friend cheats on HIS wife? Nah, unless he is cheating with my wife. Does it mean by remaining his friends I accept or approve of his cheating? Of course not. I'm just not judgemental enough to ruin my friendship because of a decision he (they) made within his(their) marriage.

 

 

In essence you cannot abide your wife cheating on you,but your life long buddies can cheat and it's no skin off your back.

 

Are you ok with your wife hanging out with with her longtime girlfriends who happen to cheat?

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Hope Shimmers
Etc. so by law he is cheating on her.... Yet i sat and listened to a man that cared about his wife and still was a man wanting a verbal and physically active relations. Who was I, given this mans' devotion, to sit and call him a cheat. Some circumstances are not as cut and dry....

 

A few years ago there used to be a poster on here - she was very bright and sensitive and great. She was an 'OW'. She was in her 60's. She had been taking care of her invalid husband who was in a long-term care facility for the past many years. She loved this man with all her heart, but he was not there anymore. She still was there for him, but she found someone who could be there for her emotionally too. Who is to judge such? Not anyone who has never been in those shoes.

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A few years ago there used to be a poster on here - she was very bright and sensitive and great. She was an 'OW'. She was in her 60's. She had been taking care of her invalid husband who was in a long-term care facility for the past many years. She loved this man with all her heart, but he was not there anymore. She still was there for him, but she found someone who could be there for her emotionally too. Who is to judge such? Not anyone who has never been in those shoes.

 

Don't you see the hypocrisy...

 

The woman who cares for her invalid husband and becomes involved with a married man is no martyr. If she were to find companionship and love with a single man, it would be understandable. Her hardship is no reason to exact hardship to someone else's unknowing spouse.

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Hope Shimmers
Don't you see the hypocrisy...

 

The woman who cares for her invalid husband and becomes involved with a married man is no martyr. If she were to find companionship and love with a single man, it would be understandable. Her hardship is no reason to exact hardship to someone else's unknowing spouse.

 

No - he was single -sorry. She was married. At least that is my memory of it.

 

Do you remember her? You would have been here then too.

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No - he was single -sorry. She was married. At least that is my memory of it.

 

Do you remember her? You would have been here then too.

 

Unfortunately no...I not sure which poster it could have been.

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AlwaysGrowing

DK:

 

For myself, if I had a friend that was currently cheating...for me..my silence is the same thing as condoning. And I would not be willing to sacrifice my own integrity for another.

 

If my friend had cheated in the past....then that is different.

 

HS, I would hope that most could see that getting involved with someone who is separated and has filed for divorce is not the same as getting involved with someone who you know lies to another to be with you. I know I certainly dated while I waited for my divorce from my first husband. Heck, I moved across country to get distance from him, as he felt he still owned me and he could intrude on my life any time he so chose.

 

Infidelity is filled with hypocrisy. For some involved in affairs...their only issue....was the outcome. And it was the outcome that made the affair wrong not the affair itself.

 

The easy target that WS seem to be..the flippant disregard for their value or their journey. I can not tell you how often I have ..."who wants the lying POS WS anyways, you can have them" , or the ever popular....super glue the "doesn't matter how much/how long you atone or change or have remorse you were...always will be...that lying POS WS" hat badge for life...and please identify yourself more distinctly so your opinion can be disregarded right out of the gate. The bitter BS....used as some tactical disagreement valid point.

 

The pain one-upmanship that we read frequently...."single AP has more pain than a MAP", "PA hurt more than EA", "BS hurt more than WS or AP"...all looking for others to validate their pain as being the heaviest burden to carry. When in actuality..pain is selfish..the pain that hurts the most is the one that we are feeling because we FEEL it...not observe it.

 

Generally, the only ones that seem to be vying for moral high ground are BS and AP even if they are R or former AP. FWS do not seem to do this. WS who identify more with the AP side of themselves tend to though. That is not to say all or most try to grab the moral high ground.

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Hope Shimmers
Unfortunately no...I not sure which poster it could have been.

 

I can't remember her name... and not the details either. I'm sorry. It just came into my mind when reading your post. :)

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Hope Shimmers
DK:

 

For myself, if I had a friend that was currently cheating...for me..my silence is the same thing as condoning. And I would not be willing to sacrifice my own integrity for another.

 

If my friend had cheated in the past....then that is different.

 

HS, I would hope that most could see that getting involved with someone who is separated and has filed for divorce is not the same as getting involved with someone who you know lies to another to be with you. I know I certainly dated while I waited for my divorce from my first husband. Heck, I moved across country to get distance from him, as he felt he still owned me and he could intrude on my life any time he so chose.

 

Infidelity is filled with hypocrisy. For some involved in affairs...their only issue....was the outcome. And it was the outcome that made the affair wrong not the affair itself.

 

The easy target that WS seem to be..the flippant disregard for their value or their journey. I can not tell you how often I have ..."who wants the lying POS WS anyways, you can have them" , or the ever popular....super glue the "doesn't matter how much/how long you atone or change or have remorse you were...always will be...that lying POS WS" hat badge for life...and please identify yourself more distinctly so your opinion can be disregarded right out of the gate. The bitter BS....used as some tactical disagreement valid point.

 

The pain one-upmanship that we read frequently...."single AP has more pain than a MAP", "PA hurt more than EA", "BS hurt more than WS or AP"...all looking for others to validate their pain as being the heaviest burden to carry. When in actuality..pain is selfish..the pain that hurts the most is the one that we are feeling because we FEEL it...not observe it.

 

Generally, the only ones that seem to be vying for moral high ground are BS and AP even if they are R or former AP. FWS do not seem to do this. WS who identify more with the AP side of themselves tend to though. That is not to say all or most try to grab the moral high ground.

 

This is a great post.

 

I am guilty of frequently saying "who wants the POS WS anyway - you can have them". :o More a reflection on me than anyone else. Sorry.

 

Thanks for saying what you did about dating a separated man. Still, as others have pointed out to me along the way, there was a point where I must have known that he wasn't going to D. I just don't know when it was.

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Furious,

 

I'm interested in feedback as to whether infidelity is a study on moral high ground and hypocrisy.

 

Crunch, crunch, ping ! Another can of worms being opened - I think I'll stay out of this one. :eek:

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Hello BS, this is OW calling... but I doubt that you can hear me. 'Cause I'm down here at sub-sea moral ground level drowning in hypocrisy!

 

Seriously, I don't actually see how the average OW could claim moral high ground in an A sitch???? (I specify 'average' because there are probably exceptions to the rule; I don't believe in absolutes.)

 

OW choose what we choose, an A is what it is... And no matter how much we sugar coat it and prevaricate, part of what an A usually is is 'WRONG'.

 

I know that and choose to continue anyway; indeed I have no intention of stopping in the near future. Which is wronger again! How could I in any universe claim moral high ground?

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Damn, I posted the War and Peace of replies and it went pooft!

I remember the poster who was having an A while caring for a sick partner. I also remember some of the responses were pretty judgemental.

 

So, this caught my interest:

I'm interested in feedback as to whether infidelity is a study on moral high ground and hypocrisy.

 

I had, up until last month a very good friend who had an A for over 15 years, he told all and sundry that his wife had a terminal illness, that he was caring for her, that he would be with my friend eventually. I have no words for the idea that she was waiting for someone to die before she could be with the man she loved. I saw how she would worry when his wife was ill, would read up on her illness to offer advice to the MM. I saw them together and thought how they made a great couple, then I noticed he was never with her in their county, they would meet in away from it all places and he was never, ever there when it mattered. The excuses he made, over and over again, the timelines he made which changed from week to week. He let her down when her grandson died, when her father died, when she nearly died, each time he found a reason to stay away and each time she believed him.

 

My friend had become used to being put on hold because of the BS illness, many thought he was selfless to stay when he so clearly loved my friend. I have never, ever understood A's, I could and would never, ever knowingly and willingly share the person I love, integrity and what is right aside, that is the one thing that wouldn't work for me. I don't give me to someone who I know is giving a part of themselves to someone else. My friend knew my feelings as we had numerous discussions about it, I would never be an excuse for them both nor would I be with them socially. I squared that away as my line in the sand, how to remain friends with this wonderful person while disapproving of her choice to have an A? My friend had wonderful qualities which defined her, the A did not.

 

When he just went from her life without a goodbye to live the life he and she had planned with his wife, who had no terminal illness, my friend looked back at all those years of her loving him, supporting him, planning and waiting for him and realised it had all been a huge elaborate lie. Worse, for her, she felt she had lost credibility as a good person, that who she had thought she was and what she was most proud of, namely her integrity, was in ashes. I disagreed with her, rattled off the thousand and one things she had achieved and done, yet it was her finally looking at the last 15 years without being clouded by her love goggles, as she called them, that she felt less than the person she had always thought she was.

 

I watched a beautiful, lovely, supportive friend vanish. Was it hypocritical for me to stand by her? maybe. I value my integrity, who doesn't? Who doesn't want to be thought of as a good person, if integrity is what we value how can any of us square away the things we know are wrong? To walk away would have compromised my love for my friend, to have left her when she needed me most would have made me question my morality. I have seen my H tear himself apart with his guilt and regret and his feeling he has let not only us down, but himself. To try and help someone rebuild a lifetime of how they measure their worth and find themselves lacking is difficult and heart breaking. I would say that I have known and loved my H for over 28 years, during which he has been the bravest, most wonderful person I know, his A was 8 months, does that cancel out all those years? I would say not. It does not define him, not in my eyes.

 

After the A, when I had the truth of it all, I mentally balanced all we had, still had, all the years we still had to either live apart or stay and reconcile and the loss of him far tipped the balance in staying than the A. I question if he hadn't confessed before I found out, if he had loved, if the circumstances that led up to the A had been different, would I have stayed? would I have stayed if we were just into our relationship? the answer is probably not. I don't know where my morality is in all that or my hypocrisy. I think I make my own rules, the things I can look myself in the mirror each day and feel good about give me the rules I live by. I know I couldn't have an A, people say never say never, but, I know me, I couldn't and wouldn't knowingly share the person I love. That is my rule for me, my morality. Living with someone and being friends with someone who has crossed my line is balanced by what they are at their core.

 

I don't understand A's, I never have and never will. I don't understand the being OK with knowingly hurting another. I know that in an A at least two people will be hurt, yet those same two people are invariably the one's at loggerheads when the A is over. Makes no sense, there always seems to be a tit for tat blaming going on when the blame lies with choices. people choose to step outside their marriage, people choose to enable that and people choose to reconcile knowing all that. I think there is a level of hypocrisy in all of it. But, the morality of it, I live by my rule of never knowingly do harm to another. To compromise that, for me and still look myself in the mirror and be OK with me would be hypocritical if I made excuses for behaviour I could change, but chose not to.

 

My friend took her life last month, her eulogies spoke about what a wonderful woman she was, how she had selflessly worked to improve the lives of women the world over in the field of Human Rights, what a wonderful mother and friend she was. I couldn't agree more, her 67 years of life were not defined by her being an OW, the MM was nowhere to be seen. it said far more about him than anything else.

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gettingstronger

I hope its OK if I change the wording a bit- for me, its more of integrity and character-I think we are all talking the same concept so please do not get caught up in the words-

 

Yes, I believe that deciding to have an affair speaks to a betrayal of your integrity and character-those that are unapologetic about it or try to sugar coat or romanticize it are just denying that they have betrayed that in themselves-are they immoral-by my standards, yes- have they betrayed what most define as having integrity and character-yes

 

I think thats what is hard for my husband-he not only betrayed us, he betrayed himself- the integrity and character that he is known for has been tarnished-he knows that-he has to live with it-

 

I believe affairs are more about low self esteem than a lack of morality-some of the most vocal OW (and even a few MM that post here) seem to me to mask their esteem issues in very verbose postings, always picking on one or two small unimportant details in an effort to appear ultra intelligence and gain the upper hand-do I believe those with low self esteem are morally below me-no-

 

All of that being said-I believe strongly in humanity and redemption-nearly everyone is capable and entitled to that-so I will gladly reach a hand out and cheer lead anyone looking to be better, to heal and to move forward-no judgements, just support and a high five when needed-

 

JMO

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I'm astounded by the hypocrisy that exists in regard to infidelity.

 

In my situation, my husband had joined a new company and it required more business travel. It was a huge sacrifice on my part because as a mother, but also the owner if my own company I was going to have to take on more responsibility.

 

I was lonely, overworked, but I knew it was something temporary, as my husband was in place to eventually secure a promotion that was based in our city's head office.

 

What a cliche, a married man on business travel ends up cheating.:(

 

To make a long story short, a few months after d-day my husband confesses that many of the men in his circle of work colleagues and the environment at this company is filled with cheating husbands. It was, accepted and endorsed.

 

Birds of a feather stick together.......

 

I don't have much to say about this, other than how much I disagree with their mentality. I traveled with a branch managerthat was married a long time ago (not at my current job) who bragged about picking up women. I didn't like it then either.

 

Another thing that bothers me in regard to the moral high ground are OW/OM, who are offended by being lied to or judge someone else's character. It's the pot calling the kettle black.

 

I'm interested in feedback as to whether infidelity is a study on moral high ground and hypocrisy.

 

I don't fault the OM/OW for being upset about being lied to, it's natural to expect someone that you're close to to be honest with you. What upsets me is when they think that they are in the same shoes as the BS, or that they aren't responsible for the BS's pain at all, just because they didn't make the marriage vows, as if vows are the only reason to not take part in hurting someone, or helping to destroy someone's life.

 

The getaway driver is just as guilty as the bank robber.

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I don't fault the OM/OW for being upset about being lied to, it's natural to expect someone that you're close to to be honest with you.

 

I don't even think it's so much that. Agreed that nobody should be lied to. I think it's the utter surprise that occurs when a WS does lie that I don't understand. I love my W dearly, and I'm very content and happy that we R'd. However, since she had an A, the words "I can't believe she would do this to me" will probably never come out of my mouth again. It can happen. Nobody's immune to being deceived.

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We

I don't even think it's so much that. Agr''s d that nobody should be liedwas to. I think it's the utter surprise that occurs when a WS does lie thaThere t Iis don't understand. I love my W dearly, and I'm very content and happy that we R'd. However,due since she had an A, the words "I can't believe she would do this to me" will probably never come out of my mouth again. It can happen. Nobody's immune to being deceived.

 

I agree. Not even just a wayward but when a spouse lies in general. To feel that one knows absolutely everything about their spouse is more than a little naive. Fidelity is not the only vow we make when we stand at that alter. Our spouses will fail us in some regard. We will fail them. Unless there are some super beings out there without out fault or the capacity to disappoint.

 

Yes, being cheated on sucks. So does watching your spouse throw the other vows out the window. Now I'm the hypocrite. I'm not going to be a wife to a man that hasn't been a husband to me. I'm the vow breaker.

 

We all can, at times, show weak character. White lies and such. Unless we are at the end of our life it's hard to say with complete certainty what we will and will not ever do/have happen to us.

 

I don't care for the posts that turn their nose up at the disgusting, putrid, immoral, lost souls that make poor choices. Condemn them as if it's their actual paying job. We get it, you don't approve. I have been cheated on in my M more times than I'd like to think about. I know the pain. I'm far from perfect and have been/am lost myself. There will always be something to judge about someone. Moments in life we should be glad no one else was witness to. Yet, when infidelity is the name of the game we send the participants to the gallows. Nevermind the neglect, verbal, emotional, physical, neglect that takes place in M's. Nevermind anything that could muddy the waters of judgment. Those aspects do not matter and one would be better off immediately divorcing. Just get a divorce! Do it now! Split your home up today because life is black and white.

 

I see now more than ever how convoluted all of this can become. Not just infidelity but in maintaining long term relationships. Good luck, you are going to need it.

 

There is life after infidelity. It's not the end of the world even though it felt like it at the time.

 

It has changed my views on so much. Not all for the best. I understand both sides of the coin now.

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Hey spark. Sounds like you have great and perfect friends!

 

I am considered an accomplished, confident, and successful woman too. I have too been 'hit upon' by MM more times than I can count. And I recoiled at the unwanted advances.

 

But alas, I am not perfect and made a mistake. I dated a man who was separated and ended up where I am. So I take my blame for dating a "married" man as many have told me it is my fault.

 

 

 

I think that by the time you are in love with someone, you want to or need to believe and trust in them. Just like you likely did in your marriage. It doesn't mean you DO trust (as you didn't in the end). Doesn't mean it is done blindly. But I think it's quite natural to want to believe and trust in the one you love. Don't you?

 

My friends would laugh loud to be considered perfect. Astute? Aware?

 

One friend was starting to fall for a man who claimed to be separated, living in his basement, claimed wife had a BF and he was waiting for complicated financials to be settled before they could divorce.

 

There were times she could not reach him for days. other times he told her he was spending the weekend with his children, which she respected and did not contact him.

 

We told her IF what he said was true, it certainly could not be a problem to call his home and see if he was alright. She agreed.

 

guess what? Not true, not as he portrayed it.:laugh:

 

But it no longer mattered. We all attended a day-time event where we saw him with another other woman not his wife.

 

Yes, I did trust and fall in love, but there were no complications to seeing, calling, being together and meeting each other's family and friends.

 

parameters for secrecy are only valid IF you choose to ABIDE by them.

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