frogss29 Posted April 10, 2014 Share Posted April 10, 2014 Well, generally, most days are hard. Met my husband today for lunch but had to drive past the park they met at. Big trigger. How long does this hurt continue??? I just don't understand any of this at all. Talked to him about it all. Again. But , really, he can't undo what has been done. It isn't his actions these past five months that I continually question. It is the past......when I had NO idea anything was wrong. Having him tell me he loves me etc etc etc etc means absolutely nothing, really. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted April 10, 2014 Share Posted April 10, 2014 Some days are hard, and some days are REALLY hard. In truth it will go on for a while I'm sure. Once you are able to truly forgive (not forget, but just forgive) then you can heal yourself. But yeah, reconciliation is not easy by any stretch. Lots of people will say you are weak or spineless for staying with a cheater because of what they've done. I have nothing but admiration for both BS and WS who are able to work through the difficult times to come out the other side. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Red123 Posted April 10, 2014 Share Posted April 10, 2014 I'm right there with you. My H actions now are amazing and he is finally the man I always wanted him to be. But I too am so obsessed with the past and how he could hurt me and keep me in the dark. We were in such a bad place when he met her but I still don't feel it justifies his actions. I'm so sorry you are here too. It is brutal! I want the old me back, confident and strong not this obsessed woman I am most days. The people on here that have more time under their belts say it gets better. I wish you better days. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jnel921 Posted April 10, 2014 Share Posted April 10, 2014 On those days...take a deep breath and remember that he is working on making it better with you. In time all of the good things will override the bad. Trust your your heart...not your thoughts. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted April 10, 2014 Share Posted April 10, 2014 Hang tough! Five months probably feels like a long time but "they" are right they say 2-5 years- I am 14 months out and have my good days and my bad days but I would say mostly good and the bad are not nearly as bad- You can never unring the bell no matter how badly you want to-in time though you will work through -what to forget -what to forgive -what you never want to forget -what you will accept until then hang tough and enjoy the good days- 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author frogss29 Posted April 10, 2014 Author Share Posted April 10, 2014 One of the major things I have difficulty dealing with is how he can say he loved me through all this. Really? He says he was infatuated with her. He liked feeling wanted. Apart from this, he has always, ALWAYS done the right thing. SO dependable! So this is so out of character. Which makes me wonder, this must have been what he REALLY wanted. And now he is doing 'the right thing' again. I know....I sound SO pathetic. This is so not me! I am normally strong and independent. But I feel like everything I have ever TRUELY known is wrong. I feel like a tiny sailboat without a sail, waiting for the next tidal wave to crash. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted April 10, 2014 Share Posted April 10, 2014 I told my husband to stop telling me he never stopped loving me. Explained that it makes me feel like he has a warped sense of love still and makes it hard to distinguish between that love and the love we have now. I told him when he has the urge to say this just replace it with, I'm sorry, I was wrong or I am lucky to have this second chance. Heck, I'd settle for him saying he had to pee instead of I've always loved you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author frogss29 Posted April 10, 2014 Author Share Posted April 10, 2014 How come the WS isn't a blubbering mess on the floor 24/7???????????? Link to post Share on other sites
Furious Posted April 11, 2014 Share Posted April 11, 2014 Well, generally, most days are hard. Met my husband today for lunch but had to drive past the park they met at. Big trigger. How long does this hurt continue??? I just don't understand any of this at all. Talked to him about it all. Again. But , really, he can't undo what has been done. It isn't his actions these past five months that I continually question. It is the past......when I had NO idea anything was wrong. Having him tell me he loves me etc etc etc etc means absolutely nothing, really. So sorry you're feeling dreadfully hurt. It's a deep wound and you're in pain. What you're experiencing is emotional pain that permeates every waking moment and sleepless nights. Your mind can't rest and your thoughts and emotions are spinning around in your head. It's normal to feel this this way, a roller coaster of mixed emotions, sadness, anger, fear, doubt, that is sometimes overwhelming. Right now feel what you feel, be gentle with yourself, try to get some exercise, breathe fresh air, try to eat healthy. Give yourself time to figure out what is best for you. It does get better, overtime, you'll get stronger and you'll have fewer bad days and more good days. It's early days, very early days. Reach out to friends and loved ones, get individual counselling. Take it one day at a time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
snappytomcat Posted April 11, 2014 Share Posted April 11, 2014 frogs im truly sorry for your pain (((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))) that's all I can offer right now,i feel your pain 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jnel921 Posted April 11, 2014 Share Posted April 11, 2014 One of the major things I have difficulty dealing with is how he can say he loved me through all this. Really? He says he was infatuated with her. He liked feeling wanted. Apart from this, he has always, ALWAYS done the right thing. SO dependable! So this is so out of character. Which makes me wonder, this must have been what he REALLY wanted. And now he is doing 'the right thing' again. I know....I sound SO pathetic. This is so not me! I am normally strong and independent. But I feel like everything I have ever TRUELY known is wrong. I feel like a tiny sailboat without a sail, waiting for the next tidal wave to crash. This is my biggest issue as well. If you've read my story although we have R and things are better, I have yet to tell him I love you. Those 3 words are so powerful, and like yourself I too was like wtf??? You loved me through all of that? The only way that I have rationalized this since then is that my H was flattered with the attention. He was temporarily blinded by strange tail, lust, and he definitely was not thinking further than the PA. He did mention that he told the OW he loved me. So I feel he used her. Which I think a lot of cheats do. It's a selfish act. I think when he came back down to reality and sensed how this A would affect his life he became very remorseful. He has been a wonderful H so far. I appreciate the relationship we have now and how he wants to protect it. I know I love him. But want to save those words for a special moment. We are in R together and these are milestones we are working on together. A year and a half later since DDay I can talk about it and do not trigger like I used to. We have normal arguments and we focus on the future. R life is good. Embrace it! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
compulsivedancer Posted April 15, 2014 Share Posted April 15, 2014 (edited) I loved H even in the middle of my affair. But it was love in the sense of the feeling of love, not the action of love. What I was missing was commitment. Additionally, love as a feeling is a selfish love. Instead of thinking about how H would would feel and how the A would affect him, I thought about how I felt. I know it's not really any consolation. But from his perspective, he could love you while cheating, and yet still love you differently now. It hurt so much when H told me that he believed not only that I didn't love him during the affair, but that he wasn't sure he believed I ever loved him. When I say love now, it still contains all the love I felt before, but now it has additional layers. It's much more H-focused and action-based. It also contains a level of commitment that wasn't there before - the key components that I didn't even realize I was missing. Edited April 15, 2014 by compulsivedancer Link to post Share on other sites
thummper Posted April 15, 2014 Share Posted April 15, 2014 One of the major things I have difficulty dealing with is how he can say he loved me through all this. Really? He says he was infatuated with her. He liked feeling wanted. Apart from this, he has always, ALWAYS done the right thing. SO dependable! So this is so out of character. Which makes me wonder, this must have been what he REALLY wanted. And now he is doing 'the right thing' again. I know....I sound SO pathetic. This is so not me! I am normally strong and independent. But I feel like everything I have ever TRUELY known is wrong. I feel like a tiny sailboat without a sail, waiting for the next tidal wave to crash. How does this make you pathetic??? You're a loving, TRUSTING wife who was wronged, plain and simple. Sometimes we guys do incredibly stupid things, and then try desperately to make up for our boneheadedness (is that a real word?) Stay strong, honey. You'll get through this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DeepTrust Posted April 18, 2014 Share Posted April 18, 2014 It has been 16 months since I learned about my wife's affair. I still have bad days and think about it everyday, I feel that I am still being consumed by the negative thoughts. However, I keep a journal since 16 months ago. It helped me when I read how I was feeling because I saw progress in healing. 5 months feel like a long time but healing from this betrayal takes a long time and a lot of work. You can't forget and cannot change what happened. You can forgive and I want to tell you that forgiveness is not a message of condoning the infidelity or that you are accepting it as fine. Forgiveness is to release yourself and to stop punishing yourself from actions that were not under your control. One of the comments stated, "Lots of people will say you are weak or spineless for staying with a cheater because of what they've done." I don't know if lots of people would say or think that way but I certainly questioned if my marriage was worth saving. My wife told me how happy she was and what a wonderful husband I have always been. When I discovered the affair, she blamed me for not stopping it. My world was shattered, I was confused, angry, feeling insecure, sad, enraged and there I was wondering if it was really me to be blamed. It took 3 therpists to convince us that it was not my fault and my wife has fully accepted her responsibility recently. I told her it is much easier for me to walk away than to stay and work on our marriage. So you certainly are not spineless to stay, it takes courage. It has been hard to say I love her and sometimes I wonder if I still love her but don't make drastic decisions. I learned to tell my wife I need alone time when I have bad days because I don't want to say anything regrettable. However, I will discuss with her about my feelings of those bad days when I am less depressed or after the anger has subsided. It is a long and difficult journey. Time does not heal like most people say, it's what you do with the time that matters. Focus on yourself and your well being. I believe only after you could do that, the marriage would improve. I wish you the best and please hang in there. You are not alone. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
DeepTrust Posted April 18, 2014 Share Posted April 18, 2014 My wife said she has always loved me and she made a huge mistake having an affair. I couldn't trust her and I still have doubt if she ever loved me. As time passed, I have tried to put myself in her position. I also know that while I don't trust her, I did know her and starting to believe one could still love while cheating. You are right that it is not much a consolation because the core of the issue is not just love, it's trust and respect. The shock of learning about it and having your heart torn out and your world shattered is more than devastating. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author frogss29 Posted April 18, 2014 Author Share Posted April 18, 2014 Deep Trust, you sound so wise! Some may find this strange but I don't have trouble forgiving my husband. And I know he loves me. I just never realised someone I love could hurt me so badly and I would still be willing to try again. Link to post Share on other sites
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