is it cheating, it still hurt like it was.

[dawgman]

Well, me and my wife of 5 years decided that a divorce was in both of our best interest. It started when i found out the her and a guy we went to highschool with were flirting and talking about the great sex they missed out on when she got married. This coupled with the fact that i didnt trust her stemming from earlier lies she had told me. Anyway, we decided divorce was the rout to go and considered ourselves separated, she still lived with me, ate off my dime, and basically everything was the same, except of course sex. 11 months after deciding divorce was what was in our best interests she was still living with me, i had tried several times to reconcile because i still loved her. she would say she didnt know and needed more time to think. I took her saying she needed time to think as maybe we would work it out, throughout this whole process she is ALWAYS on her phone, which i pay for since she doesnt work. I was suspicious of some of her actions and finally demanded she show me the phone or i was leaving, after some crying and her saying that i was just paranoid, to she just sexts a few guys to she slept with one of them once to finally admitting she has been talking to this guy and sleeping with him for well over six months she showed me her phone finally. I now know the truth about what has been going on and it hurt me to find out. Im just wondering does anyone consider this cheating? it hurt like hell when i found out, it hurts right now. also, any tips for getting over this? I have since moved out, my job took me overseas, i told her i was going to file for a divorce before i left, she insisted that she already has filed, i never checked up on it though. also we still talk, i tell her that i have to stop talking to her and she gets all teary and hits me with the whole " i cant imagine my life without you" bs. i dont know how im supposed to feel about this, or how im supposed to act. ive never been through this. I still pay rent where we live and stuff, i told her i would for two months so she could figure out what she is going to do. is that a mistake?

[d0nnivain]

I don't think it is cheating but I think she was / is trying to "do the right things" by ending your marriage before she actually physically cheats.

 

 

the fact that she wants a divorce & has GIGs still hurts.

[Spectre]

Whether or not it is cheating is not the point. If she could not really "imagine her life without you" then she would not of been screwing this other man.

 

You surely should not continue paying her rent. You are essentially paying her to bang another dude, you realize that right? Of course she is going to cry and carry on and say she can't live without you..you are her meal ticket, but she doesn't mind stepping out on you does she? If she had any intention to ever eventually trying to make this work, she wouldn't of been boinking other men for months. You did the right thing, tell her you need to stop talking and go through with the divorce. Maybe it wasn't specifically cheating, but these are not the actions of a person who loves you, so kick her to the curb. Whoever she is sleeping with can pay her rent. It's not your job to take care of her.

[road]

She is still married. Damn right she is cheating. Your WW took a standard move from the WW affair plan book.

 

 

Get BH to agree to separate so she can then go bang her OM.

[bubbaganoosh]

Here's what you do. If she wants to have her freedom then give it to her. She's living on your dime. If need be, tell her from now on, that the living conditions have changed and if she still wants to be there, then you split everything down the middle 50-50. That means rent, utilities, cable, phone, food,.............everything. Why the hell are you paying her way? She's a big girl and has to pay her own way.

[mrs rubble]

What is there to love about this woman? She's an unemployed, unfaithful freeloader.

She's using you...and you are allowing it, all she has to do is cry and she gets her own way.

I'd sort the property/assets ASAP and get the hell away from her.

[Spectre]

As the saying goes, you can't make a ho a housewife. Please stop paying her rent.

[No Limit]

She's not a wife anymore. Your best bet woul dbe to regard her like any other strange woman. Meaning don't let her use you, don't pay for anything and don't react to her "Ohh but I still love and need you, life is only worth living when we're together". It's all lies to keep you in her pocket.

 

She's already found out what she's going to do; divorce you or maybe sit back, have you finance her life while she sleeps around.

Since you said you're overseas I bet that she's got that other man over in your very own house right now.

Star cutting all ties, this has no future and is not worth enduring. She's had plenty of months already, now is the time to pack up.

[petee]

Get rid of her. She's disrespecting you, your ethics and your values....and you are paying the tab! She is wiping the floor with you and enjoying who knows what with her sexual partner.

It will hurt like hell mate, but walk with honour and dignity. Without both of these properties you are not in a good place to START rebuilding your life.

On the other hand, you could just play second best and not rock the boat

[still_an_Angel]

You are one kind dude! Please stop paying for her and supporting her. She is using you and you're buying into her "cannot imagine my life you" drama. Look, you guys continued to live together even after the decision to D. You hoped for a reconciliation which did not happen, surely by now its clear it never will. Why do you continue to support her? Is she an invalid that she can't work for her own keep?

 

As for your cheating question.. well, in her mind she might not be. You guys were just a step away from D remember? Sorry, but i think she considered herself separated therefore single and ready for another relationship. I know it sucks but that shows you what kind of person she is... all the more reason to drop her like a hot potato.

[Cpt]

Sorry to hear this. Best thing you can do is proceed with the D and go NC. You didn't mention if there were kids involved. If there aren't any kids, then consider yourself lucky, you dodged a bullet. NC and heal. Good luck.

[2sunny]

As the saying goes, you can't make a ho a housewife. Please stop paying her rent.

 

And turn her phone off.

 

She can get a job! She can pay rent and supply her own phone!

 

Stop being her doormat! You are allowing her to treat you terribly.

 

Pack her bag and make her move today.

[badkarma2013]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

I wish I could claim credit for this masterpiece but I can't. It belongs to very wise member from another website. It should be etched in the minds of every man and woman who has been the victim on infidelity.

 

Just Let Them Go

 

The end result?

 

The end result is to respect yourself in the end,

let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

 

That is the end result.

 

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

 

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

 

Nothing else works better or quicker.

 

Let them go.

 

Agree with them and their feelings,

"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

 

Wouldn't that be true love?

 

If you really loved your spouse,

and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with,

wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

 

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?

Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

 

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

 

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

 

But cheating, no excuses.

 

Think about cheating.

A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

 

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

 

Fighting the affair? For what reason?

To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?

What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?

They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

 

And for your last point,

The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

 

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

 

You give them what they want.

You don't fight them on this issue.

You agree with their feelings,

they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

 

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

 

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",

you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",

you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

 

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

 

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

 

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.

 

 

WISH I HAD DONE THIS....BADKARMA2013 APR. 2014

__________________

[fellini]

it's okay. But for me it's not a masterpiece. Actually has some stuff that is just downright not true about infidelity, about love, about real people.

 

And some of it seems to be a contradiction. People who cheat deserve to be told to leave, send them out to their AP, that's the quickest, easiest way to get them back?

So this is just an elaborate Poker face move to win the pot? But the pot is not worth winning?

 

"You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic." (But the poster has written a manifesto to try to convince and change a BS's approach to how he deals with his WS through arguments and logic. (The whole piece is a celebration of argument and logic!)

 

"You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner."

Actually, mine did within 2 hours of D-DAY. I didn't tell her to go to her AP. I only asked her if she was prepared to end it. That was all I needed. I left her 2 hours to make her decision, and when I asked the same question, she made her move. And has not spoken to, acknowledged or sought out her AP in 12 months. And there are other stories.

 

I know you might think this letter stands out there like "Jacobs letter" or whatever, but I just dont think it has the same quality. It has some good stuff.

 

Im not keen on etching this one in my mind.

 

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

I wish I could claim credit for this masterpiece but I can't. It belongs to very wise member from another website. It should be etched in the minds of every man and woman who has been the victim on infidelity.

 

Just Let Them Go

 

The end result?

 

The end result is to respect yourself in the end,

let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

 

That is the end result.

 

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

 

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

 

Nothing else works better or quicker.

 

Let them go.

 

Agree with them and their feelings,

"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

 

Wouldn't that be true love?

 

If you really loved your spouse,

and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with,

wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

 

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?

Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

 

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

 

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

 

But cheating, no excuses.

 

Think about cheating.

A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

 

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

 

Fighting the affair? For what reason?

To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?

What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?

They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

 

And for your last point,

The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

 

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

 

You give them what they want.

You don't fight them on this issue.

You agree with their feelings,

they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

 

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

 

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",

you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",

you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

 

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

 

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

 

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.

 

 

WISH I HAD DONE THIS....BADKARMA2013 APR. 2014

__________________

Edited April 15, 2014 by fellini