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The foggy WS


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Hello all,

 

I have questions about the affair fog. I believe my head is still pretty foggy. My D Day was 2 months ago and very recently I broke NC and saw the exMM. It was a bad decision on my part. Something I deeply regret.

 

My questions are:

-WS's how long did it take you to clear the fog? Did you still have feelings for the AP after D Day? If so, how did you handle it?

 

-BS's how long would say that your WS was in a fog after D Day? What do you think helped them to develop a clear state of mind?

 

I know it was wrong to break NC, but that's not what this thread is about. I want to focus on steps to clear the fog and personal growth.

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snappytomcat

hi violet

my ws,immediately cut all ties with the ow,its like he did a complete 180,and he never gave her a second thought,but I believe this was due to him wanting out of the A months before dday,but she wouldn't have it,it was a long distance A so they hardly saw each other,but she threatened suicide,and when that didn't work,she threatened to tell me,so he kept talking to her,and yes he was a spineless coward

I wish you peace,and happiness

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I came out of the fog on Dday, just like if a hypnotist snapped his fingers. I guess saying it out loud and seeing the pain in my wife's eyes made what happened truly real for the first time for me. I was out of it and never looked back.

If it didn't make it for you I guess you have a problem. You might have to think if you really want to R, and if you do try harder with NC.

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not-so-sure
Hello all,

 

I have questions about the affair fog. I believe my head is still pretty foggy. My D Day was 2 months ago and very recently I broke NC and saw the exMM. It was a bad decision on my part. Something I deeply regret.

 

My questions are:

-WS's how long did it take you to clear the fog? Did you still have feelings for the AP after D Day? If so, how did you handle it?

 

-BS's how long would say that your WS was in a fog after D Day? What do you think helped them to develop a clear state of mind?

 

I know it was wrong to break NC, but that's not what this thread is about. I want to focus on steps to clear the fog and personal growth.

 

Tbh, I'm not really sure what the fog is anymore. I've stopped fighting the emotions and am focussing on being present for my wife and family. The emotions are still there occasionally and it's been almost a year, but it doesn't stop me engaging with my family. Those emotions are going to go in their own sweet time. I've accepted that.

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Hello all,

 

I have questions about the affair fog. I believe my head is still pretty foggy. My D Day was 2 months ago and very recently I broke NC and saw the exMM. It was a bad decision on my part. Something I deeply regret.

 

My questions are:

-WS's how long did it take you to clear the fog? Did you still have feelings for the AP after D Day? If so, how did you handle it?

 

-BS's how long would say that your WS was in a fog after D Day? What do you think helped them to develop a clear state of mind?

 

I know it was wrong to break NC, but that's not what this thread is about. I want to focus on steps to clear the fog and personal growth.

 

 

 

The key to personal growth comes from within.

 

Looking for love in all the wrong places is detrimental to what love really means.

 

So many people look for love to validate them. If you don't honer and respect yourself no one will fill that big whole inside you.

 

I don't know much about fog but I do know letting go of someone who has hurt you is a gift...to yourself and the person who you care for.

 

Violet you seem so sweet and I feel you're trying so hard to figure out someone else when...really...you should be focusing on nurturing yourself.

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hi violet

my ws,immediately cut all ties with the ow,its like he did a complete 180,and he never gave her a second thought,but I believe this was due to him wanting out of the A months before dday,but she wouldn't have it,it was a long distance A so they hardly saw each other,but she threatened suicide,and when that didn't work,she threatened to tell me,so he kept talking to her,and yes he was a spineless coward

I wish you peace,and happiness

That's very interesting. Thank you for sharing. It's almost like it was a relief for him when it all cane out. I'm happy you're doing well in R.

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I came out of the fog on Dday, just like if a hypnotist snapped his fingers. I guess saying it out loud and seeing the pain in my wife's eyes made what happened truly real for the first time for me. I was out of it and never looked back.

If it didn't make it for you I guess you have a problem. You might have to think if you really want to R, and if you do try harder with NC.

You're right, I definitely do have a problem. I thought everything was clear on D Day. I felt so bad when I saw the pain in my H's eyes. To see him cry broke my heart. I really can't pinpoint why I broke NC.

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Did you get physical with the OM again and did you inform your BH?

 

You state that you were crushed when you saw the pain and crying your husband was in when you confessed and yet you broke NC again. It seems down deep that you really do not love your husband. Since you saw his destruction and it still did not stop you from breaking NC again then really what is the point?

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In general, waywards do a lot of rationalizing their behaviors to make it seem that what they are doing is ok, not that bad, normal, and so forth.

 

When that rationalizing continues after Dday, some call it foggy thinking. Does it even seem remotely ok for you to continue to have contact with someone that you had an affair with when your husband is trying to forgive you?

 

You apparently thought that was an ok thing to do. What the heck were you thinking?

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gettingstronger

Broken record here, but what have you done for you to make you a better more balanced person. Dealing with your guilt is probably debilitating in some ways. You may feel like you don't deserve to take time for you. I nearly demanded my husband start running again. He didn't want to take the time away from me by going on a long run. I told him even criminals get an hour to exercise each day:). It has helped him a lot.

 

For me, I am a yoga freak now. It provides the balance and clarity I need. Not only that I am down to a size 2 and feel great.

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The key to personaiil growth comes from within.

 

Looking for love in all the wrong places is detrimental to what love really means.

 

So many people look for love to validate them. If you don't honer and respect yourself no one will fill that big whole inside you.

 

I don't know much about fog but I do know letting go of someone who has hurt you is a gift...to yourself and the person who you care for.

 

Violet you seem so sweet and I feel you're trying so hard to figure out someone else when...really...you should be focusing on nurturing yourself.

I don't know how to nurture myself. I honestly don't. I had a very abusive childhood and a mentally ill mother who constantly manipulated me until her death. I've always figured that as long as I make the people around me happy, everything will be okay. I've seen therapist after therapist over the years. I'm very aware I'm broken. Yes, you are right I need to fill that hole inside me. I've always looked to others for acceptance and validation. I've never gone by own way.

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Did you get physical with the OM again and did you inform your BH?

 

You state that you were crushed when you saw the pain and crying your husband was in when you confessed and yet you broke NC again. It seems down deep that you really do not love your husband. Since you saw his destruction and it still did not stop you from breaking NC again then really what is the point?

No, I do honestly love my husband. I know actions speak louder than words. I don't want to hurt him. Maybe you're right, what's the point? I don't know how to stop being so self destructive.

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In general, waywards do a lot of rationalizing their behaviors to make it seem that what they are doing is ok, not that bad, normal, and so forth.

 

When that rationalizing continues after Dday, some call it foggy thinking. Does it even seem remotely ok for you to continue to have contact with someone that you had an affair with when your husband is trying to forgive you?

 

You apparently thought that was an ok thing to do. What the heck were you thinking?

I didn't think it was okay. I thought I could be friends with him. Yes, it sounds ridiculously stupid. I just need to divorce my H so he can find someone better. I really don't deserve love and I know that. Every time I tell him that he says he only wants me. I can't figure out why. I'm one of those people who should just be alone. I was never like this before. I never cheated before. I had been cheated on, felt the pain. I never thought I'd become the cheater. I never thought I'd have such a need for validation like this. This really is so unlike me. I'm the one who sacrifices everything for others and always gets hurt in the end. I'm not the one who causes pain to others. This is just not me, but yet I feel this crazy addiction to this other man and I don't know why. don't even recognize who I am anymore. That is how lost I am. I thought things were getting better, but I had to go and screw it all up.

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Broken record here, but what have you done for you to make you a better more balanced person. Dealing with your guilt is probably debilitating in some ways. You may feel like you don't deserve to take time for you. I nearly demanded my husband start running again. He didn't want to take the time away from me by going on a long run. I told him even criminals get an hour to exercise each day:). It has helped him a lot.

 

For me, I am a yoga freak now. It provides the balance and clarity I need. Not only that I am down to a size 2 and feel great.

I thought about going to the gym. I need something because all I have done is cry nonstop this past week. I can't stop hating myself. I hate who I've become!!

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You're right, I definitely do have a problem. I thought everything was clear on D Day. I felt so bad when I saw the pain in my H's eyes. To see him cry broke my heart. I really can't pinpoint why I broke NC.

 

 

 

There is not set time. Some WS can defog on D day, some six months.

 

 

Are you breaking indirect NC?

 

 

Meaning do you look at OM's FB?

 

 

Do you have old texts, emails saved and you still look at them?

 

 

Do you still have anything that the OM gave you?

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I didn't think it was okay. I thought I could be friends with him. Yes, it sounds ridiculously stupid. I just need to divorce my H so he can find someone better. I really don't deserve love and I know that. Every time I tell him that he says he only wants me. I can't figure out why. I'm one of those people who should just be alone. I was never like this before. I never cheated before. I had been cheated on, felt the pain. I never thought I'd become the cheater. I never thought I'd have such a need for validation like this. This really is so unlike me. I'm the one who sacrifices everything for others and always gets hurt in the end. I'm not the one who causes pain to others. This is just not me, but yet I feel this crazy addiction to this other man and I don't know why. don't even recognize who I am anymore. That is how lost I am. I thought things were getting better, but I had to go and screw it all up.

 

 

 

Your BH did not have an affair. Translates to he still wants you for his wife.

 

 

Instead of just posting here you should get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. Then learn how to recover your marriage.

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I don't know how to nurture myself. I honestly don't. I had a very abusive childhood and a mentally ill mother who constantly manipulated me until her death. I've always figured that as long as I make the people around me happy, everything will be okay. I've seen therapist after therapist over the years. I'm very aware I'm broken. Yes, you are right I need to fill that hole inside me. I've always looked to others for acceptance and validation. I've never gone by own way.

 

 

There's a brilliant book by Doctor George Simon, that delves into manipulative people, called " In Sheep's Clothing" , he also has a website that he updates regularly.

 

I highly recommend you look this up as it it very insightful and I think it will really help you heal from the abuse and manipulation you've suffered.

 

I don't recommend Dr. Harley books as his advice is more bad than good.

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gettingstronger

Go to the gym if that's your thing. I found the meditative part of yoga to be healing. Truly, I am usually go go go so I never thought I'd like it. My body and mind must have needed it because I am addicted to it. And yes, I was mortified the first time I went but I went to a beginners called Hatha Yoga and it was perfect.

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I came out of the fog on Dday, just like if a hypnotist snapped his fingers. I guess saying it out loud and seeing the pain in my wife's eyes made what happened truly real for the first time for me. I was out of it and never looked back.

If it didn't make it for you I guess you have a problem. You might have to think if you really want to R, and if you do try harder with NC.

 

Just curious, did you feel as if you loved your AP and how long was your affair?

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Since you did not respond to the question if you told your husband that you broke no contact and whether it was physical then I will assume that it probably was.

 

If you tell your husband this recent betrayal it is possible that this may indeed be the push your husband will need to move on. Seeing a spouse cry and moan in pain for your actions and then to continue those actions is a pretty good sign that the well being of your husband is not paramount to you.

Tell your husband the truth again and let him determine which way your relationship will go. He needs to be aware that you cannot promise him No Contact with your addiction.

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Think about what you really want. Once you're caught things come out into the clear light of day. There is no fog. Not if you claim to want to be with your H. Contacting the OM is a clear sign you have no respect for your H or M.

 

Honestly, what was your intention?

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Friskyone4u

Violet

I hope you r getting some therapy because if you do not sort this out you are either going to get physical with this guy again or with someone else.

It is not surprising to me that most of these posts about anguish about the AP and desire to be friends with AP are coming from women. I think men are able to give up the sex and excitement easier because we are not as emotionally attached as women get. Most women get into and continue affairs because they develop the intense "love" to a greater degree that us guys. I guess that is one advantage of us guys thinking with the wrong head. Our brain isn't as affected.

That is probably why the percentage of men that R after their wives cheat is lower. We let go easier.

You need to go cold turkey and stop betraying your H more . And find out what is missing with your H that you need this constant validation. If you keep seeing this guy you will falter. Remember you never thought you would have affair. So staying you woe never do it again is meaningless u less you stop romanticizing what you did. You screwed another man. Stop regarding it as love and it will be easier.

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I didn't just break NC, I saw him and had sex. I broke NC by emailing him with a " have you been?" I told him things were better with my husband. He asked if we could meet just one last time. He said he wanted closure. At first I told him it was a bad idea, but he said that he just wanted to see me one last time. I agreed, but said nothing is going to happen. I met him and I allowed it to go further. At first I tried to pull away, but I was weak and stupid. I have not told my H and I'm not going to. My H was very depressed during 2013 because of unemployment. He's finally getting back on his feet. I'd rather live hating myself than to tell him. I just can't. I don't want to destroy his progress. I know I've ruined everything. I will not break NC again. I'm so disgusted with myself for actually believing the exMM and I could be friends. I'm so disgusted with myself for having sex with him. I've never felt so much guilt and shame. I didn't feel it like this during the A. After 2 f*cking months, I break NC. I really am a horrible wife.

 

Please everyone try not to be too harsh on me. I know I deserve to be judged and hated. Im seriously not in a good state emotionally. That's why I'm posting so much.

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whatatangledweb
I didn't just break NC, I saw him and had sex. I broke NC by emailing him with a " have you been?" I told him things were better with my husband. He asked if we could meet just one last time. He said he wanted closure. At first I told him it was a bad idea, but he said that he just wanted to see me one last time. I agreed, but said nothing is going to happen. I met him and I allowed it to go further. At first I tried to pull away, but I was weak and stupid. I have not told my H and I'm not going to. My H was very depressed during 2013 because of unemployment. He's finally getting back on his feet. I'd rather live hating myself than to tell him. I just can't. I don't want to destroy his progress. I know I've ruined everything. I will not break NC again. I'm so disgusted with myself for actually believing the exMM and I could be friends. I'm so disgusted with myself for having sex with him. I've never felt so much guilt and shame. I didn't feel it like this during the A. After 2 f*cking months, I break NC. I really am a horrible wife.

 

Please everyone try not to be too harsh on me. I know I deserve to be judged and hated. Im seriously not in a good state emotionally. That's why I'm posting so much.

 

You have to tell him. You can not trust yourself not to do it again. You said you were not going to when you met with him and you did. Your husband gave you a second chance and I'm sorry but you threw it away. He needs to decide if he will give you a third one, not you. I think you need to see an IC to deal with all you are going through. No one wants you to hate yourself nor do we hate you. We do not like to think of your husband being betrayed yet again . Please stop deciding what is best for him. As a bs I hated that. I decide for myself. I am sorry you are hurting.

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Friskyone4u

He will find out eventually and you will do it again. He deserves to know what you are doing to him. Your Prince Charming of an OM just treated you like a piece of meat to get off . You talk to him about things being better with your husband and he bangs you. I feel sorry for your husband

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