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I single handedly destroyed my first marriage. I admitted to my then H that I truly no longer loved him. And in fact I had lost all my feelings for him. I did not however admit to the affairs I had been involved in.

 

After the divorce I decided to work on ME. I did IC and learned a lot. Especially about my past behavior and of course I was inundated with all the pitfalls of affairs and all the classic avoidance techniques. Turns out I happen to be a narcissist too. I did one thing right and turned down my last AP’s marriage proposal and we eventually broke up.

 

So I’m feeling pretty confident and good about myself. And after a whirlwind courtship I remarried. This marriage was going to be completely different, no affairs. And over the past year I’ve turned down inappropriate proposals from three attractive guys. Something I would not have done in my first marriage. But…….a guy at work I’m really attracted to started texting me. MY God I can’t believe how happy and excited I was to hear from him. So I’m texting with him. The texting turns to stexting and I first reminded him I’m married and later I ignored his texts. He was persistent and I finally started stexting him back. So you would have to say I’ve entered an EA at this point. I started having lunch with him a couple times a week and after about three weeks I decided it had to stop. Believe me at that point I truly wanted a PA. So I sucked up my courage and told him what we were doing was wrong and I wanted NC. Hopefully the feelings would subside

 

That’s was three weeks ago and I’m about to die. All I do when I’m by myself is fantasize about being with him. As the NC time progresses it gets worse for me, not easier. How I would love to ask him to meet me for drinks and of course I know exactly what would happen afterwards.

 

OK……..three weeks and I’m dying. How long before it gets better? For me I’ve been pretty brave during the NC. But I honestly don’t know how much longer I’ll last.

 

 

bv

Edited by bv120
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Are you for real I guess just don't give a **** about people you're married to. look go to your husband tell him you want to divorce him because you're not capable of being monogamous and a trustworthy person. At least let him have a choice with his own life decision. And the best thing of all that he is away from you. You talk about having an affair like it's changing your underwear. You need help and you need to stay out of men's lives.

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It sounds to me that you are totally self destructive. Why do you wish to destroy your new marriage? How would you feel if your husband was doing what you have been doing behind your back?

 

It is time to tell your husband. It is good that you have not gone physical yet but you should never have been in this position to begin with. Why do you constantly hurt those who love you?

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Get back into counseling!

 

Your behavior hasn't changed enough to not cause harm.

 

And get divorced if you're never capable of considering what marriage is about.

 

Work on not causing harm to others in your future!

 

And warn each person you get involved with that you are narcissistic.

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bv120,

 

It appears that you have been sending out signals to men that you are available and interested in hooking up with them. These days most guys wouldn't dream of sexting with a co-worker unless they were already pretty sure that it would be well received ....its little things like losing their jobs for sexual harassment if they were wrong. The fact that three guys also made inappropriate proposals to you also suggests that you are broadcasting your interest and availability.

 

If you want to safeguard your M, a good first step would be to work with IC to understand what signals you are sending out and learn how to stop them.

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I have to say I feel sad for the poor guy who is married to you. Go be with the guy who wants to get with a married woman, I'm sure he is real classy and just the guy you deserve.

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Wait a minute. Didn't you say in another post that you and your husband are separated and the divorce will be final in a couple of weeks?

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excusememister

OK……..three weeks and I’m dying. How long before it gets better?

 

BV,

 

The question that you've asked "how long before it gets better" can best be handled by a qualified therapist. IC is the best route for you to take. It's not a matter of how long it takes before it gets better; it's a matter of addressing these issues and dealing with whatever reasons that cause this behavior.

 

The fact that you are on this board and seeking advice shows that you are aware that this is not acceptable behavior and also, that you don't wish to continue with this behavior.

 

You should definitely inform your husbands of these feelings that you have for this other guy. Dr. Harley (Marriage Builders) suggests this type of honesty and openness as a way to "safe guard" your marriage from affairs.

 

I would start with IC and also check out marriage builders; communicate everything to your husband; open and honest communication. Divorce may or may not be an option for you. That is something between you and your hubby.

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Sorry, but I have to ask: "Why in the hell did you get married?!!" Geeze, lady. Get a divorce, stay single (so you don't crush some other guy's heart and spirit, and then sleeze around with anyone you choose for the moment. I see a very lonely life coming up for you.

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Wait a minute. Didn't you say in another post that you and your husband are separated and the divorce will be final in a couple of weeks?

 

 

Divorce is on hold. We're attempting to R. Husband knows about the EA. That's what the divorce was about.

 

 

bv

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BV,

 

The question that you've asked "how long before it gets better" can best be handled by a qualified therapist. IC is the best route for you to take. It's not a matter of how long it takes before it gets better; it's a matter of addressing these issues and dealing with whatever reasons that cause this behavior.

 

The fact that you are on this board and seeking advice shows that you are aware that this is not acceptable behavior and also, that you don't wish to continue with this behavior.

 

You should definitely inform your husbands of these feelings that you have for this other guy. Dr. Harley (Marriage Builders) suggests this type of honesty and openness as a way to "safe guard" your marriage from affairs.

 

I would start with IC and also check out marriage builders; communicate everything to your husband; open and honest communication. Divorce may or may not be an option for you. That is something between you and your hubby.

 

 

 

Thanks for your advice. My husband knows about the EA. He originally wanted a D, now he wants to R. He doesn't want to seek MC.

 

 

bv

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Do you have kids? If not, go for D. You're not into monogamy, at least in this phase of your life. You are a serial cheater, you talk about having affairs like there's nothing to it. You're better off staying single for the time being.

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Do you have kids? If not, go for D. You're not into monogamy, at least in this phase of your life. You are a serial cheater, you talk about having affairs like there's nothing to it. You're better off staying single for the time being.

 

 

I have a 3 yr old daughter from my first marriage. What do you mean I talk about affairs as if there's nothing too it.? I full well realize the seriousness of affairs and their far reaching consequences.

 

 

bv

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I have a 3 yr old daughter from my first marriage. What do you mean I talk about affairs as if there's nothing too it.? I full well realize the seriousness of affairs and their far reaching consequences.

 

 

bv

 

It doesn't sound like it IMO.

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Man Mountain Makino

I'm glad to hear that at least your prior husband is spared from this nonsense

, at least.

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Divorce is on hold. We're attempting to R. Husband knows about the EA. That's what the divorce was about.

 

 

bv

 

If you are still fantazing about the OM why are you trying to reconcile with your H? You aren't in love with him what are you doing? You need to be alone.

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Speakingofwhich

bv120, if you want your behavior to change, your best bet is to change what is in your heart. You can't do that but an authentic relationship with God through prayer and reading the Bible daily can do it for you.

 

It will take time but you will definitely change into the opposite of what you are now, narcissist no more!

 

You might need to be flat on your back with no options, though, before you're ready for that, idk.

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Speakingofwhich

Also, I commend you for caring enough to seek answers through this forum. That indicates you have some degree of concern about your behavior and I respect that you have taken that step.

 

I would guess that as a child you were disrespected by being spoiled (overindulged), neglected or abused. Is that the case?

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I would guess that as a child you were disrespected by being spoiled (overindulged), neglected or abused. Is that the case?

 

I don't see what makes you come to this conclusion. She cheated and played with other peoples emotions, so she must of been abused or spoiled? Essentially trying to place the blame on those who raised her?

 

I do not care if she was the most spoiled child in the world, it doesn't turn you into an adulterer.

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Also, I commend you for caring enough to seek answers through this forum. That indicates you have some degree of concern about your behavior and I respect that you have taken that step.

 

I would guess that as a child you were disrespected by being spoiled (overindulged), neglected or abused. Is that the case?

 

 

 

No doubt I was spoiled. My parents divorced when I was a toddler. So I had two sets of grandparents doting over me and my dad as well. But I fail to see the connection.

 

 

bv

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Did you ever tell your first husband about the affairs?

 

How would you feel if your H had an affair? The OM thrill lasts for a while, but what happens when the next one comes along?

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Speakingofwhich
No doubt I was spoiled. My parents divorced when I was a toddler. So I had two sets of grandparents doting over me and my dad as well. But I fail to see the connection.

bv

 

 

Sigh, I spent awhile crafting a briefer and more well written explanation only to have the website bump it off. Will try again but it won't be as well crafted as time is limited. Sorry to be wordy, if I had time I would edit it down.

 

Here's the connection: Sometimes when a child is reared by overindulgent caregivers he/she may fail to develop a core within that respects and considers others' needs along with her own since her needs are always at the forefront in her world. This is due to no fault of her own and is a great disadvantage in preparing for life because she simply lacks opportunity to have her psyche shaped in a way that is respectful towards the needs of others and thusly compatible with sustaining successful relationships.

 

She may lack empathy because it wasn't learned as she was learning other things growing up. Ie, she was given whatever she wanted (materially or otherwise) whenever she wanted it, sometimes at the expense of others. Even if it was not at the expense of others it's still detrimental for a child to be reared this way.It's actually a form of disrespect for a child but is probably most of the time effected through ignorance on the part of the caregivers, them believing they are giving the child the best of everything.

 

Often, though not always, a child raised this way develops into a selfish individual who lacks empathy and consideration for others. Though they may also develop social graces proficiently enough to fit into society. However, within they have learned to be selfish (narcissistic) and even when they seem to be considerate of others, selfishness is often the motivation.

 

When the rubber meets the road and they find themselves in a spot where they want something intensely, it is likely they will give in to the desire without regard for the well being of others if they believe they can get by with it since they learned early on that their desires take precedence over everyone else's.

 

This is what you're experiencing now with wanting this man who isn't your husband. It sounds as if you didn't learn at an early age to give up something you may want so that another person can have what they want or deserve. You may not have learned how to gladly sacrifice your own desires for the good of others. So, now you may feel within that you must act on these wrongful desires as the place within you that is supposed to deny yourself something; the place is supposed to alert you to put someone else's needs or feelings over your own was never activated or else was never developed..

 

A child needs to learn empathy for others as they are growing up and this is done by observing how their own little world operates and as they have opportunities to defer gratification for the well being of others.

 

That said, this can be overcome if motivation is strong enough. It can also be overcome by observing up close and personal and being touched by self sacrificial behavior for the true good of others. That is why I recommended that you learn to know God through Bible study and prayer as you will not find a greater example of self sacrifice modeled for you than is found in the sacrifice of God through giving His only Son to the world to torment and murder. The story as written will change your life.

 

However, the desire for change may not present strongly enough to matter until a person experiences major devastation in their lives resulting from their own poor behavior.

 

Had you been neglected or abused, the symptoms could present similarly in that often a child who is neglected or abused doesn't learn to respect others, since they haven't seen it modeled in treatment towards themselves. Simply they've been mistreated so have low self esteem and low esteem for others. They learn early on that life is about grab all you can get while trampling over whomever you must trample to get there. Hurt others if you need to, in order to get what you want or where you want.

 

This is all due to poor parenting and a child is not responsible for the parenting of their caregivers. However, once an adult a person does become responsible for their actions and behaviors and is at a severe disadvantage when they have been either overindulged, neglected or abused. Because their parents failed doesn't help them at all in life when they mistreat others. They alone are now responsible and must learn to function though handicapped. This is often a reason people go into IC.

 

Just as if your parent gave you too much food when you were a kid and you grew up overweight, it would be a result of bad parenting so you're at a disadvantage, it's your parents' fault. But, as an adult it becomes your responsibility to figure out how to eat right. Your parents may have blown it but that is no excuse to sit around and blame them or to continue to overeat. There are other examples of how parents fail their children and set them up for disadvantage in life. We all have some sort of disadvantage due often to some degree of imperfect parenting but when we are adults it is our responsibility to grow and change.

 

It seems you've been overindulged and now you are overindulging yourself, sadly. When you have experienced enough devastation in your life you may then be ready to change. You may be able to change your behavior for a time but if your heart is not changed you will most likely continue at some point to revert to the same patterns of poor behavior.

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I single handedly destroyed my first marriage. I admitted to my then H that I truly no longer loved him. And in fact I had lost all my feelings for him. I did not however admit to the affairs I had been involved in.

 

After the divorce I decided to work on ME. I did IC and learned a lot. Especially about my past behavior and of course I was inundated with all the pitfalls of affairs and all the classic avoidance techniques. Turns out I happen to be a narcissist too. I did one thing right and turned down my last AP’s marriage proposal and we eventually broke up.

 

So I’m feeling pretty confident and good about myself. And after a whirlwind courtship I remarried. This marriage was going to be completely different, no affairs. And over the past year I’ve turned down inappropriate proposals from three attractive guys. Something I would not have done in my first marriage. But…….a guy at work I’m really attracted to started texting me. MY God I can’t believe how happy and excited I was to hear from him. So I’m texting with him. The texting turns to stexting and I first reminded him I’m married and later I ignored his texts. He was persistent and I finally started stexting him back. So you would have to say I’ve entered an EA at this point. I started having lunch with him a couple times a week and after about three weeks I decided it had to stop. Believe me at that point I truly wanted a PA. So I sucked up my courage and told him what we were doing was wrong and I wanted NC. Hopefully the feelings would subside

 

That’s was three weeks ago and I’m about to die. All I do when I’m by myself is fantasize about being with him. As the NC time progresses it gets worse for me, not easier. How I would love to ask him to meet me for drinks and of course I know exactly what would happen afterwards.

 

OK……..three weeks and I’m dying. How long before it gets better? For me I’ve been pretty brave during the NC. But I honestly don’t know how much longer I’ll last.

 

 

bv

 

 

 

You say you in your opening post you sought counselling and it turns out you have been diagnosed as a narcissist.

 

Narcissism is rarely "cured", it would take intensive therapy and years of commitment in therapy to change what is ingrained in your psyche.

 

I commend you in trying to get therapy and figure out why you do what you do.

 

Sadly, with your opening post, you are continuing to jeopardize your marriage and your narcissism is center stage. No, you won't die from no contact with this guy who wants to have sex with you. It's just really hard for you to deny yourself something you want, regardless if it would hurt your spouse and the consequences you may face.

 

You have a choice, get serious and commit to long term therapy, or accept your narcissism and remain single and sleep with whomever you want...whenever you want.

 

Nothing wrong with sexual freedom and open relationships as long as you are honest with yourself and those you have relationships with.

 

Narcissists are not good with monogamy and are better suited to remain single and free to do as they like.

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