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teenage daughter discovered affair


theperfectlife

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theperfectlife

I have been married to a wonderful man for almost 23 years, yet have known I don't love him the way I should for about 13 years now. I am not looking for sympathy, but have struggled with what I should do for many years. I did have an affair 10 yrs ago, separated, but returned to my comfortable home after only 3 months because it was the holidays, I was lonely, all the wrong reasons. My husband knew about the affair, but chose to forgive me and wanted to work on our relationship. Also, the other man was not who I thought he was and told me he couldn't be my "crutch".

We have 2 beautiful daughters, now ages 19 and almost 17. As a family we have been thru a lot.....my oldest daughter caused turmoil too difficult to even discuss. Then in 2012 she was almost killed in an accident, and now has a deformed arm and struggles but on the right path. At first this horrible experience brought the family closer, but gradually the differences surfaced again. My husband and I haven't had the same views on anything for years, also don't have much in common except for the kids and the house.

Almost a year ago, I ran into a man who I was in love with at age 18. We had a complicated past (I met him while dating my present husband), but the relationship ended suddenly when my husband found out I was seeing someone else. He forgave me, and I stayed with him because I said WOW this man really must love me if he could forgive me. We ended up getting married my about 5 yrs later. I was happy for the first 5 or 6 years of my marriage, then realized I made a mistake.

Fast forward almost 30 years, I ran into my former bf who I loved so much at such a young age. I knew he had gotten married, had 2 kids, etc. Well we discovered we were in the exact same position. Married to spouses whom we loved a great deal, but weren't in love. We got very close, ended up having an affair, and now are suffering the consequences. My youngest daughter found some text messages, confided in our best friends daughter, whos dad ended up following me to discover the affair. Now both spouses know, and I am actually scared for my life. I am faced with consequences. My husband once again forgave me and wants to work on our relationship...

Any advice?

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You have a hell of a great and forgiving husband, lady. I'd say either give your love and loyalty to the man who has stood by your affairs in the past, or put him out of his misery and leave him to be with whoever. All I can feel is what your poor husband must be going through right now. He must really love you to forgive you the way he has both now and in the past. You're a truly fortunate woman to have a husband who shows his love to you in this way.

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I am a FWW. I do feel for you, but I know I don't have to tell you that you really messed up. Regardless of the state of your marriage, not only did you have other options (like leaving or continuing to use your energy to try to make things better, or learning to be content)...you have done this before. I did too. I allowed the cycle to continue basically because of my own selfishness and cowardice. And that is something we have to own.

 

So here is my next question...what do you WANT? If you do not love your husband, then it is not fair to him to keep this cycle going. If you are not going to commit 100% and you do not believe you can carry that through REGARDLESS of what he does or does not do, then do not put him through the pain of recovering again. Really think about that. In addition, because of the way this came out, you now have some serious damage with your daughter. Own that too. Affairs hurt the entire family.

 

I do not give this out as a blanket thing, but I would suggest reading both Surviving and Affair and Not Just Friends. Whether you reconcile or not, YOU need some serious work on YOU.

 

As a side note: though I DO believe your hubby needed to know, I gotta say the whole "friends dad following you" thing is creepy. This whole, "I'm going to obsess over the personal life of someone I don't know" thing that some people do to the point of stalking is just disturbed and disturbing. You need to address the unhealthiness of what you did. But this weird stalker dad is not real healthy either.

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theperfectlife

exactly, cant agree more. Hence this is why my decision has been so difficult. Thanks for your point of view. I am not proud of my infidelity, but believe that I can ABSOLUTELY be faithful if in love with the man I am with..

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veritas lux mea

You do know "in love" is a mental state that can be created. If it was there wouldn't be countless examples of people who discovered love after marriage. But if you don't want it, you won't find it and have a very good chance of chasibg rainbows for the rest of your life.

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theperfectlife

The friends dad is my husbands best friend :( I have known him for 30 years, and believe he is EXTREMELY angry. (angry to the point where he also told the other man's spouse) This was crossing the line

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veritas lux mea
exactly, cant agree more. Hence this is why my decision has been so difficult. Thanks for your point of view. I am not proud of my infidelity, but believe that I can ABSOLUTELY be faithful if in love with the man I am with..

 

I am sorry, that isn't fixing what is wrong inside of you that makes lying and betraying someone okay. I mean, by that logic cheating is okay if you aren't in love. Well I was in love and still cheated. Why? Because I was/am a broken human being.

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The friends dad is my husbands best friend :( I have known him for 30 years, and believe he is EXTREMELY angry. (angry to the point where he also told the other man's spouse) This was crossing the line

 

This feels different to me. As your hub's best friend, it makes sense that he would be involved. So I retract that stalker statement. If he had been a stranger, some random person, or someone on the internet....then he would have been sadly creepy.

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Yes. Put both of your poor daughters into intense counseling immediately. Neither you nor your husband are setting a good example for them.

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The only serious advice I can give you is to divorce your husband, I think you already dealt him enough sorrow throughout your marriage.

Your history shows you're a serial cheater, so I think it won't take long for you to cheat on your new man, too...

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theperfectlife

I can see how you would believe this, however I don't agree. I have been with my husband for 30 years, since age 16. Over the years we have grown apart, rather than grow together. I thought it was best to wait until kids in college to leave, but my affair has been discovered sooner. I do take responsibility for my actions, and maybe made a mistake by joining this forum

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How have you taken responsibility for your actions?

 

For future reference, I have noticed that the Infidelity section tends to attract more people who have been cheated on, and the OW/OM section tends to attract more people who have done the cheating.

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veritas lux mea
I can see how you would believe this, however I don't agree. I have been with my husband for 30 years, since age 16. Over the years we have grown apart, rather than grow together. I thought it was best to wait until kids in college to leave, but my affair has been discovered sooner. I do take responsibility for my actions, and maybe made a mistake by joining this forum

 

You only made a mistake if you don't want to face reality.

 

Reality is cheating is about your morals and not about being "in love". That is just romantic nonsense in novellas.

 

Get those girls and yourself into counselling and don't think being "in love" will fix you.

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I can see how you would believe this, however I don't agree. I have been with my husband for 30 years, since age 16. Over the years we have grown apart, rather than grow together. I thought it was best to wait until kids in college to leave, but my affair has been discovered sooner. I do take responsibility for my actions, and maybe made a mistake by joining this forum

 

The fact that things stings is unpleasant, but it is actually GOOD. Trust me, I KNOW that sting. But if you can stick around and really work at getting to the bottom of this, you have no idea how much better your life and conscience and heart will be.

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How have you taken responsibility for your actions?

 

For future reference, I have noticed that the Infidelity section tends to attract more people who have been cheated on, and the OW/OM section tends to attract more people who have done the cheating.

 

Actually, In my life I've been on both sides (in different relationships). My more recent experience with infidelity was many years ago, as a WH...

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I can see how you would believe this, however I don't agree. I have been with my husband for 30 years, since age 16. Over the years we have grown apart, rather than grow together. I thought it was best to wait until kids in college to leave, but my affair has been discovered sooner. I do take responsibility for my actions, and maybe made a mistake by joining this forum

 

That would be fine if this was your first and only affair, but, If I didn't misread your opening post, this is your third time...

That's why I wrote you are "serial"

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veritas lux mea
How have you taken responsibility for your actions?

 

For future reference, I have noticed that the Infidelity section tends to attract more people who have been cheated on, and the OW/OM section tends to attract more people who have done the cheating.

 

This may be true but as JD, IJ, and I have all cheated...

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theperfectlife

Thanks for the advice. You are right......I have not really taken responsibility, only admitted and told husband things after being discovered. I will check out OW/OM forums next

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Wandering Husband I believe.

 

Your husband isn't doing the right thing either. He's being a doormat. You need to work on the selfishness and he needs to grow a pair. You both need help..I hope you try marriage counseling, and I really do hope you put your kids in counseling immediately.

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theperfectlife

Marriage counseling wont help. Girls already in counseling........... My struggle has always been.........do I leave my husband and deal with everyone (friends, family), hating me? Or not care what others think?

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Marriage counseling wont help. Girls already in counseling........... My struggle has always been.........do I leave my husband and deal with everyone (friends, family), hating me? Or not care what others think?

 

You care what pothers think, but do the right thing anyway because your prior choices have made a "clean end" impossible.

 

BTW, if you show remorse, humility, and care for someone other than yourself, everyone will NOT hate you. Yeah, a few people might. And lots of people may be disappointed in you. But the people who believe in redemption and seeing you trying to learn will come around.

 

And you'll be able to look at yourself in the mirror.

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Marriage counseling wont help. Girls already in counseling........... My struggle has always been.........do I leave my husband and deal with everyone (friends, family), hating me? Or not care what others think?

 

Taking responsibility for your action means exactly that. You have to face consequences.

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