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Torn between two women


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My first post...go easy on me. I've been married to a very good woman for 9 years. We have a 6 year old son. Two years ago I found out that my old love was divorcing. I met up with her at a reunion and things turned into an affair immediately, she is not married. I love her like we were never apart. I also love my wife, as my partner and the mother of my son. I don't know what to do...I dream of my AP, I love her, but the guilt hurts. I've now seen her on 5 business trips. My wife got suspicious once, but no D Days. It is so hard to continue to the charade of "being in love" with my wife. We went away for our anniversary and faking the passion was hard.

 

My ow is starting to get angry. She wants a commitment. She has been patient for two years.

 

Here are my questions:

 

1) Is there a way to ask for a divorce without disclosing the affair?

 

2) How is the best way to disclose the affair?

 

Thanks.

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I'm a MM in love with my single OW for two years now. We only see each other about 4 times per year when I travel to her city on business. She knows I'm married and have a son and that I love my wife and am having a hard time ending my marriage. But, I love my OW. What would you want to hear from your MM to make you stay a little bit longer? She is giving me ultimatums and I'm just not ready. I want both my wife and I to find better jobs and be more stable before I ask to separate. Probably another year.

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Why tell of the affair? Maybe you should get some counseling, of course they will convince you to stay but try to find one who will let you purge. I feel you need to really talk it out with no judgments because you have one pushing your decision and one who is clueless. Did you tell the ex you were looking to leave? If she is that angry over the marriage ... she may need to leave.

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For God's sake, no for you and your family's sake, forget this other woman. Give your love, loyalty and devotion to the woman you asked to be your wife...you know, the woman you took a vow to love, honor and cherish, FORSAKING ALL OTHERS, or were you just kidding???? You're caught up in a fantasy and you're going to wind up hurting a lot of people! Stop right now, before it's too late! You're a grown-up, not some dewy-eyed adolescent.

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I'd want to hear "I'm cutting contact and letting you go as I am fully aware that I cannot offer you the love you deserve"

That's the kindest thing you can say right now.

No one should be expected to wait in the wings for three years, it's cruel and cowardly.

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Why tell of the affair? Maybe you should get some counseling, of course they will convince you to stay but try to find one who will let you purge. I feel you need to really talk it out with no judgments because you have one pushing your decision and one who is clueless. Did you tell the ex you were looking to leave? If she is that angry over the marriage ... she may need to leave.

 

 

nais, I have hinted at separation to my W. She didn't really understand where I was going with it. maybe I will look into counseling. Just feel like everyone automatically says to fix the marriage....not that that is wrong, its just more complicated than that.

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For God's sake, no for you and your family's sake, forget this other woman. Give your love, loyalty and devotion to the woman you asked to be your wife...you know, the woman you took a vow to love, honor and cherish, FORSAKING ALL OTHERS, or were you just kidding???? You're caught up in a fantasy and you're going to wind up hurting a lot of people! Stop right now, before it's too late! You're a grown-up, not some dewy-eyed adolescent.

 

 

 

I get it thumper. and I am not sure I would have asked my wife to marry me if I knew I'd ever be seeing OW again. She is the one I never got over and yet I DO feel guilt, and I DO love the woman I married. Crazy complicated.

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But I DO think I can offer her my love in time. Not a long time, but I need an exit plan from my M that doesn't destroy things so that I can co parent.

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10thengineerharrison
My first post...go easy on me. I've been married to a very good woman for 9 years. We have a 6 year old son. Two years ago I found out that my old love was divorcing. I met up with her at a reunion and things turned into an affair immediately, she is not married. I love her like we were never apart. I also love my wife, as my partner and the mother of my son. I don't know what to do...I dream of my AP, I love her, but the guilt hurts. I've now seen her on 5 business trips. My wife got suspicious once, but no D Days. It is so hard to continue to the charade of "being in love" with my wife. We went away for our anniversary and faking the passion was hard.

 

My ow is starting to get angry. She wants a commitment. She has been patient for two years.

 

Here are my questions:

 

1) Is there a way to ask for a divorce without disclosing the affair?

 

2) How is the best way to disclose the affair?

 

Thanks.

 

Listen to yourself. You're asking the wrong questions. With a little wishful thinking, there's always going to be an answerto those questions that will satisfy you. But is any of this fair to your family? Of course not.

 

At any rate, it's certainly possible to divorce for some made-up reason that hides the truth. But will you be able to live with the decision? In all probability, however, your wife will find out you've been cheating on her own. If/when she does, do you think that will be "better" for you in helping you make the decision you've been avoiding for two years? Be prepared for a real shock when she does find out.

 

The best way to disclose an affair is to just be truthful and honest about who you are and what you are up to - like you promised.

 

-10th Engineer Harrison.

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I'm a MM in love with my single OW for two years now. We only see each other about 4 times per year when I travel to her city on business. She knows I'm married and have a son and that I love my wife and am having a hard time ending my marriage. But, I love my OW. What would you want to hear from your MM to make you stay a little bit longer? She is giving me ultimatums and I'm just not ready. I want both my wife and I to find better jobs and be more stable before I ask to separate. Probably another year.

 

 

You say you love your wife, so are you really planning to leave her? If so, why, if you love her? What are your plans for your child?

 

 

Does your OW know you love your wife?

 

 

Personally I think your OW is wise to be asking you to take some action, which you are presenting to us here, as ultimatums that are unfair to you. It sounds like you are asking for advice on what lines to use to string her along for as long as possible.

 

 

Anyway, if I were your OW I would be expecting to hear that you (my MM) had consulted with a lawyer about divorce, had advised your wife and family that you are divorcing, made plans for the child's future, started the separation of finances, and most of all that I was no longer some dirty secret. In other words that you (the MM) had declared to the world that I was your chosen partner, and was taking positive, identifiable action to achieve our relationship on an open footing. This would be your exit plan, not some wishy-washy idea that one day you might get around to it but not just yet.

Edited by Bootsie
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I posted a diff response but somehow it went missing- just because you love someone does not mean you have to stay with that someone. I advised seeking counseling, because you are conflicted and I feel you should seek out what you truly feel before taking any action. Whatever conclusion you come to, I wish you well.

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OP, fMM here.

 

1. File for divorce. No need to ask. People have been filing for divorce without disclosing affairs for as long as marriage and divorce have been around.

 

2. Send son to grandparents for the day and sit down together and deal with it, straight out.

 

Your choice.

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Listen to yourself. You're asking the wrong questions. With a little wishful thinking, there's always going to be an answerto those questions that will satisfy you. But is any of this fair to your family? Of course not.

 

At any rate, it's certainly possible to divorce for some made-up reason that hides the truth. But will you be able to live with the decision? In all probability, however, your wife will find out you've been cheating on her own. If/when she does, do you think that will be "better" for you in helping you make the decision you've been avoiding for two years? Be prepared for a real shock when she does find out.

 

The best way to disclose an affair is to just be truthful and honest about who you are and what you are up to - like you promised.

 

-10th Engineer Harrison.

 

 

Thanks Harrison. You are probably right. I was hoping to not have the affair be the sole focus of everything.

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You say you love your wife, so are you really planning to leave her? If so, why, if you love her? What are your plans for your child?

 

 

Does your OW know you love your wife?

 

 

Personally I think your OW is wise to be asking you to take some action, which you are presenting to us here, as ultimatums that are unfair to you. It sounds like you are asking for advice on what lines to use to string her along for as long as possible.

 

 

Anyway, if I were your OW I would be expecting to hear that you (my MM) had consulted with a lawyer about divorce, had advised your wife and family that you are divorcing, made plans for the child's future, started the separation of finances, and most of all that I was no longer some dirty secret. In other words that you (the MM) had declared to the world that I was your chosen partner, and was taking positive, identifiable action to achieve our relationship on an open footing. This would be your exit plan, not some wishy-washy idea that one day you might get around to it but not just yet.

 

 

Yes, OW knows I love my wife and am conflicted. Its the whole "not in love" with the wife thing. And I do love the OW for significant reasons. I do plan on leaving my wife and am figuring it out. I'd just like some more time.

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Arvin_Solheim
My first post...go easy on me. I've been married to a very good woman for 9 years. We have a 6 year old son. Two years ago I found out that my old love was divorcing. I met up with her at a reunion and things turned into an affair immediately, she is not married. I love her like we were never apart. I also love my wife, as my partner and the mother of my son. I don't know what to do...I dream of my AP, I love her, but the guilt hurts. I've now seen her on 5 business trips. My wife got suspicious once, but no D Days. It is so hard to continue to the charade of "being in love" with my wife. We went away for our anniversary and faking the passion was hard.

 

My ow is starting to get angry. She wants a commitment. She has been patient for two years.

 

Here are my questions:

 

1) Is there a way to ask for a divorce without disclosing the affair?

 

2) How is the best way to disclose the affair?

 

Thanks.

 

 

You love both but you want the other woman? Hmmm.....

Reminds me of a colleague(Used to be my boss but now he's a colleague)

He always told me that men should have two wives, he had a wife and a girlfriend and loved them both and took care of them both but then the wife found out and lawyered his arse into oblivion(She was a lawyer).

There is no way to tell your wife you want a divorce for no reason; she will ask and even if you don't tell her she will find out in another manner....(I doubt that you can tolerate the insistence and will eventually decide to tell her yourself)

As for the best way to tell people you've been cheating on them for 2 years!!!? I have no idea; I imagine it would shatter me to pieces no matter how you disclose it! Just tell her upfront without any sort of fake guilt and other kind of non-sense in your face and tone....

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What would [an OW] want to hear from [her] MM to make [her] stay a little bit longer?

LS is not in the business of helping people manipulate others into staying in difficult and dishonest circumstances. So I doubt anyone is going to answer this question for you.

 

(Although I'm sorry to have to note, an individual with your perspective can just read passively read LS posts by OW and see the many lines that have been effective time and again. Don't bother to thank me, you're not welcome.)

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SoleMate said:
LS is not in the business of helping people manipulate others into staying in difficult and dishonest circumstances. So I doubt anyone is going to answer this question for you.

 

(Although I'm sorry to have to note, an individual with your perspective can just read passively read LS posts by OW and see the many lines that have been effective time and again. Don't bother to thank me, you're not welcome.)

For the record, LoveShack is 'in the business' of providing a level and equitable platform for facilitating the discussion of *all* forms of interpersonal relationships.

 

Now, let's continue this discussion in the spirit which LoveShack.org envisioned for such discussions to occur. Thanks!

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But I DO think I can offer her my love in time. Not a long time, but I need an exit plan from my M that doesn't destroy things so that I can co parent.

 

You've already destroyed everything by entering into an affair instead of keeping it in your pants until you were divorced. If you truly love your wife, you owe her the truth, and sooner rather than later. As in, immediately.

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But I DO think I can offer her my love in time. Not a long time, but I need an exit plan from my M that doesn't destroy things so that I can co parent.

 

Simply put, you can't have this. IF you had come home from that reunion, thought long and hard, given things your best shot, separated, and THEN began seeing the OW, then maybe.

 

But you destroyed your "get out without being the bad guy" card the moment you cheated. That is just the way it is.

 

If you want to leave with SOME character intact, come clean, accept full responsibility, treated your wife generously in a settlement, and deal with the fallout YOU created.

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Speaking as a thrown away fMOW.

 

If your OW is a lost love and you can rule out ending up with her and believing it was all affair fog and you never meant to be with her then it does make sense not to lose her again. If you lose her again it's going to be for good so think it through.

 

If you are faking happiness at home and your m is good there's no way in hell you are leaving without saying why. Simply not happening.

 

I hope your OW is strong enough to follow through on her threats and not become the other indefinitely.

 

You have yo decide which way you are going and make it soon. Waiting for better jobs and whatnot will not solve anything. It's just avoidance.

 

The good news is that in typical fence sitting MM you might end up crazy in love with the wife if youconfess the a and stay. Hysterical bonding and all.

 

Good luck to you and stop taking advantage of two women you allegedly love.

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jellybean89
Yes, OW knows I love my wife and am conflicted. Its the whole "not in love" with the wife thing. And I do love the OW for significant reasons. I do plan on leaving my wife and am figuring it out. I'd just like some more time.

 

Please do not string your wife on for another year. You have already spent 2 years lieing and deceiving her. Stop doing that.

 

Go be with the OW. Why not try honesty with your wife? "Wife, I saw my ex g/f a coupe years ago at a reunion and have been having an affair with her for 2 years. I am separating from you and hope we can co-parent our son. I apologize for lying to you, deceiving you, breaking my vows to you and for disrespecting you. I should have separated from you prior to having sex with my former g/f but I am a coward and didn't do that. My OW is now pressuring me to end our marriage and because I want a future with her, I am leaving you. I do not want to reconcile and I do not want to string you along any further. My decision has been made."

 

or something like that.

 

Then tell your OW to sit back and let you get divorced. You chose her; but you need to deal with telling your child of the divorce and find your own place. She's waited this long - what's another few months?

 

I think your wife deserves to know the truth NOW. She needs to get tested for STD's and she deserves to know what you have been doing the last few years. She will blame herself for not being sexy enough, seductive enough, pretty enough, thin enough, stylish enough, etc. You can help her by letting her know it was not because of her you chose to cheat -- it was all about your selfishness. She needs to know that you are not deserving of her trust and respect.

 

She (the betrayed wife) will probably hate you. I hope you don't expect her to just say "sure babe - go have fun with your former g/f. Will you be getting your son this weekend for visitation"?

 

Realize you deserve her anger and possibly her hatred. Realize what you have done is so mean and cruel. Above all, stop dragging this out and just go. Let your wife decide for herself if she wants a new job, etc. You've played with her emotions enough and lied enough...set her free.

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Charlie Harper

This has the word Trainwreck written all over it....

 

And you Son is right in the middle of the tracks...

 

Good luck (you are going to need it)

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Simply put, you can't have this. IF you had come home from that reunion, thought long and hard, given things your best shot, separated, and THEN began seeing the OW, then maybe.

 

But you destroyed your "get out without being the bad guy" card the moment you cheated. That is just the way it is.

 

If you want to leave with SOME character intact, come clean, accept full responsibility, treated your wife generously in a settlement, and deal with the fallout YOU created.

 

 

Yes, Janedoe...I agree. And that is what I should have done. I know it is cliché, but I really didn't plan on having the affair...it happened, but it didn't change that I love my wife.

 

I was thinking of coming "somewhat" clean and saying that I wanted out of the marriage, that I was having feelings for another. I am scared of ruining our parenting relationship.

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