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Devastated


Intheclouds

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Hi all,

 

First post so please be gentle :-)

 

Ok, my partner of 11 years informed me at the start of January that she had met someone else. The revelation hit me like a sledgehammer, total shock. She did temper it by saying it was just a 'stupid kiss' and she had stopped contact with him. The AP was/is a work colleague. She told me it had started at the beginning of December.

 

I spent the rest of January being a doormat and instigating regular heart to hearts to ascertain her feelings, she told me she loved the AP but it would never work and that's why she ended it and I also received 'I love you, but I'm not in love... She did however dangle carrots along the way saying she was 'confused' and 'needed space' but was also spending more time in work and having regular day/nights out. She finally slammed the shutters down at the end of January saying I was deluding myself if I thought we would get back together.

 

There is a backstory to this and it's one I'm not proud of. Around 5yrs ago I conducted an affair with a work colleague which continued when my partner fell pregnant with our child. I fell in love - or thought I did - with my AP and was heartbroken when she ended it. The affair lasted around 18mths but the fog did not clear fully for another 2 years, probably because my AP would contact me intermittently.

 

Throughout this period, I was oblivious to the pain I was causing my partner through my lack of love and affection. Finally though, I did fall back in love with my partner and wanted a future with her and our child, unfortunately, I now realize I have probably caused terminal damage to the relationship. As you would expect, this subject was brought up continually during January as the main reason she was having doubts about our relationship.

 

I decided to leave the family home on hearing her tell me I was being deluded and went to stay in my parents. I decided it would be best to utilize LC during the forthcoming weeks to give her the space she wanted. At this stage, she was still adamant she was not in contact with her AP.

 

However, during the first week of me leaving, she made me two offers to remove me from the mortgage, both of which I rejected as being unrealistic as the home requires two wages to make it affordable.

 

So we entered into stalemate, neither of us wanted to leave the family home and we both aware that it is in the best interests of our daughter to remain in there. She is in a good school and has a large family support network surrounding her. The house is in negative equity and we would both walk away with debt if it was sold meaning we would both find it difficult to move on financially and find new homes.

 

I continued to keep my distance the last fortnight or so, I suppose in my own mind I was playing for time, as I thought with time things would become clearer and a way forward more obvious. I also hoped against hope she would seek a reconciliation.

 

However, things came to a head last week. I went home to pick my daughter up for the day and became suspicious when I realized my partner had cooked a fancy meal the previous evening. I didnt question her directly as I realized it was pointless, I had previous questioned her several times as to whether she was still seeing/in contact with her AP, she flatly denied this each time. I took a slightly cowardly way by asking my 4yr old who had been to the house the previous evening, she confirmed matters by stating the AP's name.

 

I was stunned that my partner had done this, I never imagined she would bring her affair to the home and around my child. I also semi-believed her that the affair was over. I suppose she justified it to herself by the fact she had told me it was over even though we are still very much together in every other regard.

 

I let the matter lie until last weekend when I received a text from my partner about money, after discussing the matter at hand, I politely asked her not to have her AP at the family home until everything is sorted and out of respect to me. She agreed to this. This was also the first time she had - in a round-about way - admitted she was seeing her AP.

 

My plan was to move back into the home undertake a 180 and make her face the reality of the situation i.e. we are both in effect 'trapped' financially and emotionally in terms of what is best for our child, which is keeping her in the environment she is accustomed via both wages going into the home.

 

The tipping point came just yesterday, I discovered that the AP had stayed the night at the house and had a day out with our daughter.

 

I returned home and advised my partner that I intended to remain in the property. Initially, she wanted me t leave, however, when I made it clear I wasn't going to do that, she left taking our daughter with her.

 

So now I am devastated, I am unsure as to where my partner and child our but she did intimate that she may be moving in with her AP.

 

I am at a loss as to what to do now. My partner has finally been exposed as having an affair but has shown no remorse or guilt and also blamed me for her having to move out. She has my daughter and is adamant she will not be returning home as it stands.

 

I could return to my parents and allow her to remain in the home but I would still be required to contribute the same level of finances whilst she more than likely entertained her AP in my home and around my daughter.

 

Will a dose of reality help her out of the affair fog? Or is she in love and this is this really an exit affair? Am I really deluding myself and should I just walk away and ignore the possible financial consequences and impact on my child?

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Wow, okay, this is a hot mess.

 

 

First question, is the home in your name and do you have rights to that home? If yes, then you didn't do nothing wrong.

 

 

Second question is, are the two of you married?

 

 

I would see a lawyer RIGHT NOW! She took your kid and you, as a father, have rights. I will be totally honest with you, she has been lying to you this whole time. So, you cannot believe a damn word that comes out of her mouth. Good rule of thumb, if a cheaters mouth is moving, then they're usually lying. Therefore, do not believe her when and if she says that you can have access to your daughter, have the lawyer and the courts tell her that you have access to your daughter or face jail time.

 

 

If you have any joint accounts, close them. Take half the money and put it in your own personal account. DO NOT STOP MAKING CHILD SUPPORT PAYMENTS!!!!!!

 

 

If she stated that she isn't coming back, then YOU need to start making changes in that house. New paint on the walls, buy new furniture or move the old furniture around, put in new carpet. Take down pictures of her and put ones of you and your daughter up on the walls as well as other artwork you like. Make that house YOURS! If she ever came back into the house, she would need to walk out and look at the number on the side to make sure she went into the right house because you completely changed the place. That will give her a reality smack to the back of the head. A lot of women pride themselves in making a house a home. By making these changes, you're telling her that, by her own undoing, this house isn't her home anymore.

 

 

She's gone. Therefore, you need to be looking out for yourself and your daughter. No one else. I have a feeling that this dude isn't going to put up with her for too long (if that's where she went). He probably liked the fact that he could come over, spend a little time with her and your kid, do your girl and skip out the next day. Now, he'll have a ready made family and chances are, he didn't sign up for that.

Edited by Chi townD
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Yup, fair to say the affair, not that she left will not last long. He will be timid now that she is available 24/7. But in a way your affair caused her to lose trust in you. Now you both have been untrue to each other. DEFINITELY GET THAT LAWYER! This a mess and a lot of work needs to be done. I mean work on yourself!! The most important people in this is are you and your daughter. Forget the wife for a bit.

 

Focus on you and your daughter!!

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Great advice folks, thanks for your time.

 

Changing the house around is an interesting idea I think I'll follow up on, but you're both right, I need a solicitor and my main focus now needs to be on my daughter & myself.

 

Time will tell whether her affair will last but I don't know whether I'll be picking up the pieces if it doesn't. Having him in the marital bed is a line you just dont cross in my eyes.

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I've managed to speak to my ex today via text message, she tentatively agreed to allow me to pick my daughter up from school tomorrow. She says she is staying at her mums, who lives around about 18 miles away. Could be true could be false.

 

I'm already coming under pressure from my family to return to my parents which would in turn allow my daughter to be more local and resume normal service in a way.

 

So it's what to do, should I still stand my ground given the fact that it's her whi left ME or relent for my daughters sake?

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Do not err on the emotional side to make practical decisions.

 

Do whatever is right, legal and logical regarding the house.

Do whatever is best for your daughter, logically, and don't think about the emotional context re: your ex and you.

 

What happens between you emotionally is on one side.

Practical matters need level heads.

Speak to a solicitor, but don't blur the edges....

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Do not err on the emotional side to make practical decisions.

 

Do whatever is right, legal and logical regarding the house.

Do whatever is best for your daughter, logically, and don't think about the emotional context re: your ex and you.

 

What happens between you emotionally is on one side.

Practical matters need level heads.

Speak to a solicitor, but don't blur the edges....

 

You're right, emotions shouldn't play a part. It will probably come down to me having to leave for my daughters sake but I can't see a way of me moving on as I will be required to provide the same level of finances for the forseeable future. It will be a bitter pill to swallow.

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Who's name is the hose in?

 

If it's joint, you either have to buy her out, or she will have to buy you out.

If neither scenario is possible, then a house sale will be necessary and an equal division of the proceeds effected.

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What she did can be defined as kidnapping you daughter. She is not in a position to "allow you to see or not seeing you daughter any minute you want to.

 

Go immediatly to a lawyer. he may advice you Inform your EX that if she doesnt bring your daughter back home today you're going to the police. , her actions are violation of the law!

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Who's name is the HOUSE in?

 

If it's joint, you either have to buy her out, or she will have to buy you out.

If neither scenario is possible, then a house sale will be necessary and an equal division of the proceeds effected.

 

Not 'hose'...!

 

And good point about her taking your daughter away....

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What she did can be defined as kidnapping you daughter. She is not in a position to "allow you to see or not seeing you daughter any minute you want to.

 

Go immediatly to a lawyer. he may advice you Inform your EX that if she doesnt bring your daughter back home today you're going to the police. , her actions are violation of the law!

 

Yes, excellent point, as it happens, I have a friend who is a family solicitor - he's come in handy the last few weeks for informal advice - I think I need to crank up the pressure and formalize things.

 

The unfortunate thing with regards the house is it is not worth selling, there is no equity, we would be left with debt. Maybe renting it out could be an option. Thanks for the advice guys :-)

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The tipping point came just yesterday, I discovered that the AP had stayed the night at the house and had a day out with our daughter.

 

This is TOTALLY unfair, cruel and unacceptable. NO other man should be around your daughter! Especially now. Your wife is in a total fog and is selfish.

 

Honestly, I'd put your foot down. Move back home and tell her she can do as she pleases outside of the house and your daughter is NOT to be around OM coworker anymore. Your poor kid, her folks not together and mommy is bringing home some guy. Sickening and selfish!!

 

Get a lawyer, document everything that has happened. Move back home and again, if your wife wants to leave, let her but your kid stays with you.

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Again, this is something your solicitor can assist you with....

 

I think if you get a good grip of this situation and surprise her with the official legal angle, it will be like a bucket of cold water to her.

Keep your cool, and remain solid....

 

Don't expose your emotions to her too readily. At this juncture, that would be a chink in your armour, and identify a weakness.....

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This is TOTALLY unfair, cruel and unacceptable. NO other man should be around your daughter! Especially now. Your wife is in a total fog and is selfish.

 

Honestly, I'd put your foot down. Move back home and tell her she can do as she pleases outside of the house and your daughter is NOT to be around OM coworker anymore. Your poor kid, her folks not together and mommy is bringing home some guy. Sickening and selfish!!

 

Get a lawyer, document everything that has happened. Move back home and again, if your wife wants to leave, let her but your kid stays with you.

 

Agree with all of this. She's demonstrated no remorse or guilt about this and the possible impact on our daughter who must be wondering who the hell mummys new 'friend' is. She's only known the guy 5 minutes at the end of the day.

 

As has been mentioned though, you do have to detach emotionally in terms of what is best for the child, extremely tough to do given the circs though.

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1. Get in touch with the solicitor and ask him to represent you. Start legal proceedings against you partner for taking your daughter with her. Speak with the local authorities/ puce, let them know that this happened and that you don't want them to do something specific, but will contact them if this happens again (this also serves a dual purpose-if your partner makes any false allegations, at least the local authorities will know your side of the story). Let her know that any future attempts to deprecate you from the child will not be tolerated.

 

2. Separate. She leaves the house! Detach from her and cancel all joint bank accounts etc. read the 180 and practice it. Strict NC unless the issue concerns your child. Her problems are no longer your headache.

 

3. Expose her. Contact the office and let people know. While not illegal, office affairs are frowned upon. Find out whether the other man has a wife or a girlfriend, and contact her immediately.

 

4. No more Mr. Nice Guy. How would someone like James Bond react? (apart from the shooting part).

 

5. Trust me when I say this, they always come chirping back if they see you moving on or happy with another person.

 

Good Luck!

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Intheclouds:

 

You've fallen into the Mr Nice Guy routine to try and get her out of the affair. THIS WILL SIMPLY NOT WORK. You have to stand up for yourself and act like an alpha male to get her attention.

 

1) You need to EXPOSE the affair so that it will die. Do you know who the OM is? Does he have a wife or GF? If so expose expose? Expose to your family, her family, religious leaders, anyone who you both are close to. Especially expose to OM's wife.

 

2) You say that they work together? Is he her boss? Or in a position of superiority to her? If so expose to workplace (talk to solicitor first). OM and/or your WW will likely get fired on the spot.

 

3) Is taping conversations legal where you live? If so try to get her to admit having the affair whilst taping the conversation. You can use this to your advantage later.

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tell her family that you wanted to reconcile but she claims to no longer be in love with you and even had her AP, who she lied about still seeing, stay over at your marital home.

 

you intend to file for divorce and seek sole custody because that behavior was totally inappropriate. What kind of mother does that? has her lover sleep over while married.

 

Remember physical separation is NOT legal separation. have access to cell phone bills and bank statements? You will find his number soon enough. do a reverse look-up and see if you can find his address.

 

Tell your family, as you will need their support.

 

Change the locks today.

 

Have all your money redirected to a you only account and leave half in all joint accounts.

 

Speak to your lawyer today.

 

Confront the OM and find out if he has a partner. Demand to see your daughter often.

 

Do NOT inform her of what you are doing until ready to pull the trigger. Wish her every happiness because you too are looking for someone who loves and cherishes you.

 

apologize for your affair......but since she no longer loves you, you understand and just want to do what's best for your daughter who must find all of this very confusing.

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She's beat me to the punch. Received papers this evening notifying me of a court appearance tomorrow. She wants the house minus myself.

 

Not sure of any potential legal consequences if I disclose anymore info but it's safe to say things are going to get even more messy.

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Bring your lawyer and make sure they know ALL that has gone on. Your wife is off her rocker, talk about 180. She is gallavanting (I know I spelled that wrong) all over with this guy and having sleepovers with your young child in the house already. NOT what a stable parent does, she's selfish and only thinking of herself, not what is best for your daughter.

 

Fight for your rights, but play fair don't stoop to her level. SHE IS the one who is cheating and having the affair. Get the guys name too.

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Bring your lawyer and make sure they know ALL that has gone on. Your wife is off her rocker, talk about 180. She is gallavanting (I know I spelled that wrong) all over with this guy and having sleepovers with your young child in the house already. NOT what a stable parent does, she's selfish and only thinking of herself, not what is best for your daughter.

 

Fight for your rights, but play fair don't stoop to her level. SHE IS the one who is cheating and having the affair. Get the guys name too.

 

Shes completely lost the plot. I am unsure as it stands what is best route to take. Obviously, this will become clearer once I receive advice. As it stands, I am inclined to allow her what she wants for fear of jepordising access to my child and having to fight her in court for that.

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If she wants the house, does that mean you will be left debt free? If so let her have it!

She doesn't want sole custody of your child? She doesn't deserve it IMO!

You should fight for her, her moms teaching her immoral behaviour already. She needs saving!

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Shes completely lost the plot. I am unsure as it stands what is best route to take. Obviously, this will become clearer once I receive advice. As it stands, I am inclined to allow her what she wants for fear of jepordising access to my child and having to fight her in court for that.

 

Just bring proof of this affair, and document her behaviour and all that's happened in the last little while.

 

She has NO rights to keep you from your child. There's NO reason why this can't be 50-50 shared custody. She is your kid too so your (ex) wife really shouldn't prevent you from seeing your own daughter. There's been no abuse, or anything and you're a good father.

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If she wants the house, does that mean you will be left debt free? If so let her have it!

She doesn't want sole custody of your child? She doesn't deserve it IMO!

You should fight for her, her moms teaching her immoral behaviour already. She needs saving!

 

Yes, Im beginning to think getting off the mortgage and walking away debt free could be the best option. Go for 50/50 custody and let her get on with it. After 11 years it hurts when you think you know someone inside out but it turns out you never knew them at all. Talk about a woman scorned :-)

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Just bring proof of this affair, and document her behaviour and all that's happened in the last little while.

 

She has NO rights to keep you from your child. There's NO reason why this can't be 50-50 shared custody. She is your kid too so your (ex) wife really shouldn't prevent you from seeing your own daughter. There's been no abuse, or anything and you're a good father.

 

I could probably go to town on her with all the evidence I've got. I know exactly who the OM is and I have witnessed him near my home as recently as Sunday. Need to get that advice and see what is best to do.

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