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burnside.rose

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burnside.rose

so my wife had an PA for a year then broke it off because of her guilt but after a cooling off period...they started texting, going out for coffee (while not telling me) & having what she calls a "friendship" but it my mind an EA. This lasted 6 months.

 

so it's been a month or so since DDay when i found out. i'm still extremely hurt & bitter, and have been struggling whether to reconcile or leave for good. a terrible roller coaster of emotions....i've been going to IC to help cope.

 

she says that she has NC with the OM but i saw a call come in on her mobile phone from him while she was in the shower & i questioned her about it. she says he still calls but she doesn't answer. her phone is locked & she won't give me access until i commit to reconcilation.

 

anway that set off my paranoia, so i snooped & found her facebook password. i see she is messaging once a day with a different guy (her fathers girlfriends son who is seperated). we've only met him in the last 6 months or so at family functions occasionally but somehow they have moved to exchanging "morning...just wanted to say hello & have a nice day" messages almost first thing in the morning & at night. at least once a day. initiated by both sides...her one morning... him another morning.

 

this almost felt like a DDay. Who does this? Only after a month after being busted for an affair she is sending good morning texts to another guy. is this wildly in appropriate? Or am I wrong?

 

(before this, 2 weeks or so ago she was going to plan a playdate with just her & him, & his & our kids. i got mad & couldn't believe she though that was a good idea.)

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sounds like your wife has some serious boundary issues.

 

i say you confront her with your findings.

 

 

if i may ask, how did you two handle her prior infidelity?

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Untouchable_Fire
her phone is locked & she won't give me access until i commit to reconcilation.

 

Who does this? Only after a month after being busted for an affair she is sending good morning texts to another guy. is this wildly in appropriate? Or am I wrong?

 

Who does this? Someone who neither loves nor respects you.

 

She is clearly dictating the terms of your relationship moving forward. It seem like she thinks of you as a eunuch lacking any manly character. Prove her wrong by kicking her out. Force her to reconcile on YOUR terms not hers. Take control!

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burnside.rose

if i may ask, how did you two handle her prior infidelity?

 

we havent really handled anything. i basically split. but now in the basement. i haven't decided to reconcile. my initial stance was to leave but having a kid makes the decision a little harder. i go to IC to help me sort this out. but it's only been a month & i'm pretty much still shattered.

 

i was inching towards reconcilation but after seeing this...

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burnside.rose
Who does this? Someone who neither loves nor respects you.

 

She is clearly dictating the terms of your relationship moving forward. It seem like she thinks of you as a eunuch lacking any manly character. Prove her wrong by kicking her out. Force her to reconcile on YOUR terms not hers. Take control!

 

agree completely.

 

it just blows me away the lack of self awareness on her part. this is how the PA started.... friends with separated man, then slowly they inch towards to the PA.

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burnside.rose
sounds like your wife has some serious boundary issues.

 

i say you confront her with your findings.

 

i will. she was at her sisters tonight.

 

do i be sneaky about it to see if she will lie about these messages? or just come right out?

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sounds like your in some kind of limbo here. while i agree you don't have to make decision concerning the fate of your marriage, right now; you need to address her past cheating and draw a line in the sand.

 

did you ask for NC(no contact)? is this OM married? if so, have you informed his spouse? all these questions i'm asking are because it sounds like you're rugsweeping her affair. that's probably why she's "acting out" in this way: NO CONSEQUENCES.

 

 

her behavior is highly disrespectful to your marriage, despite your current status... in limbo, i mean.

Edited by Artie Lang
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burnside.rose
sounds like your in some kind of limbo here. while i agree you don't have to make decision concerning the fate of your marriage, you need to address her past cheating and draw a line in the sand.

 

did you ask for NC(no contact)? is this OM married? if so, have you informed his spouse? all these questions i'm asking are because it sounds like you're rugsweeping her affair. that's probably why she's "acting out" in this way: NO CONSEQUENCES.

 

 

her behavior is highly disrespectful to your marriage, despite your current status... in limbo, i mean.

 

yes very much limbo. i'm torn. if it wasnt for my child i would have left.

 

yes NC. OM was married but left his wife. i asked every question about it that i could. got the timeline, etc.

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She either knocks off the cruising with other guys on the net and opens everything up to you, or you call it quits. It sounds like she's got you by the you-know-whats, and SHE'S calling the shots. She may have ditched the one guy, but I think she's started down the same road again. Do you love her so much that you'll continue to live with this disrespect and confusion? If the answer is "NO" consider moving on. Tell her that she can now communicate with every guy in town if she wants to, you are no longer concerned.

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burnside.rose
She either knocks off the cruising with other guys on the net and opens everything up to you, or you call it quits. It sounds like she's got you by the you-know-whats, and SHE'S calling the shots. She may have ditched the one guy, but I think she's started down the same road again. Do you love her so much that you'll continue to live with this disrespect and confusion? If the answer is "NO" consider moving on. Tell her that she can now communicate with every guy in town if she wants to, you are no longer concerned.

 

that's basically what the IC said. confront her about it, tell her that you need transparency (even if it doesn't lead to reconcilation).

 

it's sad, i actually thought about reconciling but after this facebook message thing....i don't want to live the anxiety, disrespect & confusion.

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what everyone is basically saying is, you need to take back control of the situation; that means setting your demands, implementing a hard 180, and following through with divorce proceedings. you can always halt the process in case things change for the better. hopefully, this will wake her up to severity of the situation.

 

 

as of right now, she just doesn't "get it," so you need to start detaching.

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I would say, if you want to reconcile at all, tell her that if SHE wants to R eith you she needs to get into IC, research the effect affairs have on others, become 100% transparent and 100% honest about everything. No more lying, and for now no more privacy. She lost her "right" to make plans without telling you. She also needs to read "not just friends" by dr shirley glass. She needs to learn boundaries.

 

All these things she needs to do before you really know if R will be possible on her end. You don't have to decide tonstay or go but at least id you lay it 100% out there what SHE needs to do, she'll know a line has been drawn and it will be all on her.

 

What you can do for now is see a lawyer and get yourself ready for D. Work on your esteem and also keep as good of a relationship with her as possible so coparenting will be made easier. So try to be firm and clear and above board. I is okay to be open and honest with her about how much she hurt you but at this point I think she needs to see her behaviour is not okay. And yo can point her in the right direction.

 

Even if she does eerything right after this and you find you can't forgive at least she will be a better mom by the changes she had made and eith better boundaries and a better enviromen for your child.

 

And dont be hard on yourself. It is very soon after dday. Nobody istruly prepaired for infidelity.

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I'd give her an ultimatum.

 

"A marriage needs trust and transparency. You have broken my trust, now I need your transparency for our M to have a future. Show me your phone, right now. Open up your FB right now."

 

If she refuses, you know what your answer is....and then you file.

 

Now I know this is scary, but take it from one who was 'reasonable' and 'loving' to my WH. He did the bare minimum and then tried to negotiate/manipulate it down. When I stood firm...he left. But it took months and those are months I wish hadn't been wasted.

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She is keeping her options open for the next guy.

 

So you like living in the basement ? Shouldn't she be living down there instead of you?

 

Looks like she has things the way she likes it.

 

Hold old is your child - what example are you setting for them?

 

Take your life back.

 

I assume you guys have tried MC, and you have consulted with a lawyer. Also you need to read to establish boundaries (what you consider betrayal and disrespect)

Edited by dichotomy
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As a rule, neither partner has friends of the opposite sex that are NOT a friend to the spouse and the marriage.

 

Your wife sounds as if she will settle for you while she continues to shop around for your replacement.

 

She won'.t give you her password until you commit to reconciling? You are kidding, right? This after 6 months of meeting secretly her xAP?

 

Buh, bye sweetie. Move up from the basement and pack her bags....today.

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Also, I would confront the OM. You have a right to warn him off. Plus, you might discover the lies she told him. coffee dates? What could she possibly have said about your stance regarding your marriage to make him think you didn't care?

 

Separated? Maybe he wasn't. His wife has a right to know.

 

It might be time to get a key logger and some good cell phone spyware. prepare to have your reality blown by what she is telling others: Such as, he sleeps in the basement and we may be moving towards divorce......

 

Poor baby.

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This is a woman who clearly wants to have her cake and eat it too, and she will continue to do so as long as she can.

 

First order of business - YOU are not the one who needs to be moving to the basement.

 

Second, your boundaries need to be clear. You cannot force her to meet your demands but you CAN be clear about what you will or will not live with.

 

Third, IF she is remorseful, she will not balk at transparency, at no opposite sex friends, and at some serious work on herself and the marriage.

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I agree, I was surprised that is was you in the basement and not her.

 

Confront her with what you have. Have her sign an agreement that you get custody of your child, that she pays alimony and child support.

 

Statistics show that many more children are abused by their step-parent than by their parents.

 

Tell her you are going to have your child tested for DNA, and she needs to get tested for stds.

 

You tell her you are filing for divorce. If she changes, is remorseful, is doing everything to keep you in the marriage, gives you passwords to everything, goes NC with all of her affair partners, and has proper boundaries with the opposite sex, she may stop the divorce or date you after the divorce.

 

Go see your attorney today. She does not respect you. Get out of the basement. Respect yourself. This is not attractive to your wife that she walks all over you. Expose her affairs to her family, and your family.

 

Affairs like the dark. Shine the light on the affairs.

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Like the others have said, she has no respect, admiration or desire for you and is basically completely in control of the marriage so she is letting you live in the basement while she has her fun with whoever she pleases. She sees you as a girlfriend and roommate as opposed to a real man and husband.

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burnside.rose
I would say, if you want to reconcile at all, tell her that if SHE wants to R eith you she needs to get into IC, research the effect affairs have on others, become 100% transparent and 100% honest about everything. No more lying, and for now no more privacy. She lost her "right" to make plans without telling you. She also needs to read "not just friends" by dr shirley glass. She needs to learn boundaries.

 

All these things she needs to do before you really know if R will be possible on her end. You don't have to decide tonstay or go but at least id you lay it 100% out there what SHE needs to do, she'll know a line has been drawn and it will be all on her.

 

What you can do for now is see a lawyer and get yourself ready for D. Work on your esteem and also keep as good of a relationship with her as possible so coparenting will be made easier. So try to be firm and clear and above board. I is okay to be open and honest with her about how much she hurt you but at this point I think she needs to see her behaviour is not okay. And yo can point her in the right direction.

 

Even if she does eerything right after this and you find you can't forgive at least she will be a better mom by the changes she had made and eith better boundaries and a better enviromen for your child.

 

And dont be hard on yourself. It is very soon after dday. Nobody istruly prepaired for infidelity.

 

good to know

 

in our post DDay discussions, ive been strict about the NC but regarding the transparency...i asked for it. she didn't give it to me & in fact changed all passwords on me (i had a keylogger installed). i didn't press the issue because i felt all along that i was getting a D so what's the point. but she's asked me to consider R for the child, and was almost going to until finding these facebook messages to a new guy.

 

I bought her a laptop for Christmas (prior to Dday) and it’s in the box still unopened because she thinks I installed a keylogger on it (I didn’t).

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burnside.rose

to clarify the basement is my man cave (big screen, etc). so i prefer being there. it's not some dungeon.

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burnside.rose
I'd give her an ultimatum.

 

"A marriage needs trust and transparency. You have broken my trust, now I need your transparency for our M to have a future. Show me your phone, right now. Open up your FB right now."

 

If she refuses, you know what your answer is....and then you file.

 

Now I know this is scary, but take it from one who was 'reasonable' and 'loving' to my WH. He did the bare minimum and then tried to negotiate/manipulate it down. When I stood firm...he left. But it took months and those are months I wish hadn't been wasted.

 

thanks. all good thoughts.

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burnside.rose

yes, i've seen a lawyer (i need one year legal seperation before D)

no MC though she wants to.

Im going to IC.

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burnside.rose

This new guy just sent her another one….this is one is a flat-out invitation. She’s clearly given him some signals to illicit this type of communication from him.

 

Just wanted u to know that if u just need to blow off some steam and just get all ur feelings out, I'm a good listener.... Sometimes it's actually good to just talk, and if u'd like I can just listen and I won't give u advice... Lol....well anyhow hope ur day is going great! Talk to u soon !!

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I want to give you a thought.

 

Your wife still has all the power, because you've let her have it. SHE is telling you that she'll only open her phone if you choose to reconcile?!?!?!

 

Tell her that you REFUSE to consider jack until SHE starts demonstrating she's worth reconciling with...by voluntarily demonstrating her trustworthiness now.

 

If she won't...there's no point in even considering reconciliation with her.

 

If she agrees...she lives up to it, or she's out.

 

Stop letting her dictate things.

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