longjourney Posted December 24, 2013 Share Posted December 24, 2013 I thought Thanksgiving was hard, but that was a cake walk compared to this. Christmas is tomorrow and I can't help but think of all the Christmases in the past that he lied to me, hell he is still somewhat lying to me...his foot might not be out the door, but his heart sure is. He loved/loves her. I know that it is impossible to just turn that on or off, any BS who believes that is just fooling themselves and setting themselves up for more hurt in the future. I have been reading and reading, seems like that is all I do lately. I have read about WHs who do the work, who stick, who go to IC and MC, who sit here and watch their BWs hurt and shattered and seemingly pick up their wives shattered hearts off the floor and after a long time, I am talking YEARS, the WH has another A, usually with the same OW which is as I said that love CANNOT be turned off like a switch, especially in a LTA, no matter what or how the WH says or does. That is why I am deflated today. I know that is my new reality, to always be worried to always be looking over my shoulder, to never see my WH the same way, to always be wondering "what if". I know my efforts and his will be in vane. Looks like I will be the one who has to call it quits. All in due time I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
NotCamelot Posted December 24, 2013 Share Posted December 24, 2013 I know what you mean. It's been over a year and a half. We are in a good place now. But there are parts of the days where I worry just like you say. If it was so easy for them to turn to someone else, how easy would it be the next time? We spend our time dedicated to each other and I know there is very little opportunity for either of us to do something that each of us would not know about. So, why worry? The worry is because it did happen. There was that betrayal when I thought all was good. It DID happen. I don't know how long you have been in the recovery process. But, for us, it is getting better everyday. Make new good memories to overwhelm the old bad ones........it is working for me. And, Merry Christmas to you.....I truly hope you can find a way to make it a good one! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Ap22 Posted December 24, 2013 Share Posted December 24, 2013 I just found out Nov 18th about my wifes affair. Its such a shame because this was always my favorite time of year. The Christmas tree, lights, kids excitement.....I used to love it... This year, I just cant get into it. Its a shame that my favorite time of year will not be tarnished because not only did the affair happen during this time of year, its also the time of year I found out about it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted December 24, 2013 Share Posted December 24, 2013 I just found out Nov 18th about my wifes affair. Its such a shame because this was always my favorite time of year. The Christmas tree, lights, kids excitement.....I used to love it... This year, I just cant get into it. Its a shame that my favorite time of year will not be tarnished because not only did the affair happen during this time of year, its also the time of year I found out about it. Don't let Christmas be ruined for you. Take it back! It was Christmas last year for me that my STBXW and I had a miscarriage and also when she decided to take her cheating to a whole new level. But I refuse to let her ruin my favorite time of the year. I have more decorations up this year than I ever have just to say "F^ You! This is my holiday and I'm taking it back!" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
tiredofitall2 Posted December 24, 2013 Share Posted December 24, 2013 (edited) Well, I wish I at least had the opportunity to be with my STBXW. To be with both her and my 4yr old DD. But I made poor decisions and she made poor decisions and here we are now. I tried with all my strength to fix my mistakes but to her it was more important to show me, and show me she did. She had her A and never found it in her heart to forgive me or herself. Now a family is forever broken. No more Christmas together and no more family moments. Be thankful for what you have and move on. Life choices are series of lessons and we grow from them. Love is opposite to selfishness. Give love to your H an family and don't hang on to the past or what he did. If you decided to forgive then do so by giving love unconditionally. It is the only way you will heel. Think about the many others here that will spend the holidays alone. It can always be much worse. G-d bless you Edited December 24, 2013 by tiredofitall2 Link to post Share on other sites
krazikat Posted December 25, 2013 Share Posted December 25, 2013 Longjourney, I am so sorry you are feeling defeated by this. I can completely relate, I am about a year out from discovering my H lta. And man alive that **** hurt like hell. It still stings, tbh. I remember feeling as tho my whole marriage was a sham. Thinking of vacations, anniversaries, medical scares, etc. that happened during that time where he was communicating with his ow, too. I didnt deserve that ****. My marriage was certainly not perfect, but no marriage is. Discovering an affair is soul crushing. Living in the aftermath and navigating how the relationship will proceed can be terrifying and draining. You may not be able to recover. And thats okay. You can decide what you need to do for yourself. But you dont have to decide right now. Dont let fear of a repeat keep you from living. I know I will not have a decision to make if my h cheats again. I have already made the decision. When I decided to stay with him, I made it very clear that this will be the only chance. If he cheats again, I am gone. And then I went all in to the recovery efforts, letting him take the lead. And so far, so good. Take the time to figure out what you can live with. Do not stay with him for anyone but you. And about the "love" for the ow...girl of course he cares for her. You cant have any type of relationship, even platonic, without having some caring &/or love for that person. Dont let that aspect of the affair cloud your mind. Seriously...It doesnt mean his love for her is more than his love for you. If you think he truly is in love with her but staying with you for the kids, or for duty, then evaluate to see if that is something you are okay with. You will be okay. Even if you decide to stay and he cheats again, you will be fine. If you decide now is the time for you to leave, you will be fine. Spend some time thinking about you. Make a list of the pros/cons of staying together. Sending you a virtual hug. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
A.Moscote Posted December 25, 2013 Share Posted December 25, 2013 Since you have roughly an idea to quit after this, why not try to focus on other things however small that will make you happy for this time period. Forget about the A, bitterness and pain for the time being. At least don't consciously thinking about them. ...You will be okay. Even if you decide to stay and he cheats again, you will be fine. If you decide now is the time for you to leave, you will be fine... That's nice. Be strong and don't worry too much about it LJ. Show the best of you to everyone this holiday season. Link to post Share on other sites
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