Jump to content

WS and their friends....


Recommended Posts

This is a question to all WS's. Did your best friend(s) know about your affair? My wife hung out with 2 guys (gay couple) and their single woman friend.

 

They were always talking, got together about once a week, and were all pretty close to each other. My wife says that none of them know anything about her affair. I'm just wondering how true that is. I still have them as facebook friends and generally liked them. Since I am reconciling with my wife, I know at some point I will see them again.

 

I personally would not care to be in their company if they knew the whole time and were maybe even complicit in her affair. I asked one of them on facebook if they had any knowledge and never got a reply.

 

So I'd like to know from any WS who kept their affair a secret, even from their best friends.

Link to post
Share on other sites
TheBladeRunner

OP, why does it matter to YOU? I am curious, it mattered to me because EVERYONE it seems knew about my WW. The thought of being around her friends that knew was sickening and embarrassing.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
lilmisscantbewrong

I am a FMOW and no one knew - I didn't tell anyone until about a month before the finally dday and then I told my sister - I'm glad I did because she was able to help me pick up the pieces when it all crashed.

 

So, no, not even my best friend knew - she knew something was off but never guessed what it was.

Link to post
Share on other sites
compulsivedancer

Nobody knew. Several people suspected, but they thought that my H was a good enough judge of character to know if we were doing that. Of course, he trusted both of us too much and never thought we'd do that (OM was his best friend).

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
OP, why does it matter to YOU? I am curious, it mattered to me because EVERYONE it seems knew about my WW. The thought of being around her friends that knew was sickening and embarrassing.

 

same reason

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

There is a very high chance she never told anyone. You hear stories of friends being a cover or instigator of course but in a lot of cases the cheater knoows that they are increasing the risk of being caught every person they tell. And it destroys the whole super secret thing that affair people often enjoy sharing. The thing is, even if one of her friends suspectes you can't be mad at them for not telling you. It is a very convaluted matter, tattling, and especially when it is obly a suspicion not many want to get involved. Now if a "friend" aided or encourage the affair that is entirely different. Contrary to popular belief girls don't always tell each other everything.

 

I don't agree with basing your life on a polygraph results but I am a firm believer in placebos and parking lot confessions. Have you thought of asking her to take one? You can't ask emotional based questions and the questions have to have a very clear yes or no answer. But it might help you with a quesion like this because.

 

We don't know. It is possible and plausible she never told anyone. It is also very possible she did.

Link to post
Share on other sites
OP, why does it matter to YOU? I am curious, it mattered to me because EVERYONE it seems knew about my WW. The thought of being around her friends that knew was sickening and embarrassing.

 

Same here. A lot of my STBXW's friends knew. I felt later like I was the one idiot in the room that wasn't in on the joke.

 

However I don't blame them. They didn't so much as cover up things and the just never talked about what was going on. And they were her friends, so I could expect them to let me in on the joke unless they were consumed with guilt.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
painfullyobvious

My exes friends and family knew. I walked in on a conversation once when we were trying to reconcile that was immediately hushed and I could tell my ex was lying. Her friend was inquiring about the affair relationship like a getty little school girl listening to a friend describe their first kiss. I echo what a few posters have said that while I was reconciling the family and friends that knew were uncomfortable to be around because I felt like I was being walked all over because I stayed and try to work on our relationship. I always assumed that they were thinking what an idiot for staying with her. She cheated or still is depending when they saw us together. I disliked her friends and family after D-Day as well and I more harshly confronted them then I did my ex.

 

 

When we were at gathering while reconciling my exes sister approached me and started to chatting me up with how are you, how's it going, etc. I cut her off and said I know you knew, I know she is your sister I get that but don't try to pretend to care about me. This whole experience told me my answer to a lot of things. I am trying to reconcile my relationship with your sister but I will never like any of you. I will be respectful of all of you while we work on this but don't try and be my friend. I got reamed out for my attitude towards her family and friends but at least I was honest about it. Shocker the reconciliation failed after several months of trying and repeated cheating. I am sure her family and friends knew that the cheating had resumed.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
OP, why does it matter to YOU? I am curious, it mattered to me because EVERYONE it seems knew about my WW. The thought of being around her friends that knew was sickening and embarrassing.

 

My wife's best friends knew about it. To make it worse, they encouraged it. I read the conversations between her and her friends as well as the chats with the ******* she was with. One of these friends was my cousin's wife. One a coworker. The other is out of the country, so I can easily avoid them at least.

 

Saying that, her entire office knew about it. Only two people pointed it out to her that she was making a huge mistake. She told one to mind her own business, and apparently felt insecure around the other afterwards, as they were a mutual friend.

 

For me, there was a great deal of anger to be spread around. The coworker, I have noticed, keeps her eyes on her feet whenever I am around. Right where they should be. My cousin's wife has removed both of us from Facebook and no longer attends family functions.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
yellowmaverick
I am a FMOW and no one knew - I didn't tell anyone until about a month before the finally dday and then I told my sister - I'm glad I did because she was able to help me pick up the pieces when it all crashed.

 

So, no, not even my best friend knew - she knew something was off but never guessed what it was.

 

I am curious as to your sister's reaction. Did she try to convince you to stop?

Link to post
Share on other sites
TheBladeRunner
When we were at gathering while reconciling my exes sister approached me and started to chatting me up with how are you, how's it going, etc. I cut her off and said I know you knew, I know she is your sister I get that but don't try to pretend to care about me. This whole experience told me my answer to a lot of things. I am trying to reconcile my relationship with your sister but I will never like any of you. I will be respectful of all of you while we work on this but don't try and be my friend. I got reamed out for my attitude towards her family and friends but at least I was honest about it. Shocker the reconciliation failed after several months of trying and repeated cheating. I am sure her family and friends knew that the cheating had resumed.

 

This happened to me as well, the "fam" acts like what mine did was OK to do. One thing I swear my child will learn is that you should never break a promise or a vow at someone else's expense for your own selfishness. I get that marriages don't work out, I understand people become unhappy and even grow apart. If that's the case, fine: separate, break up, or divorce. Don't destroy the other person by finding a replacement first. My ex FIL had the "stones" to tell princess that she "should have waited at least a month" after breaking up with me. An 11 year relationship and she should wait 30 days.........she started about a year before DDay.....so much for a month. I feel the same about her friends and family, I don't like anyone that encourages dishonesty. Ya' don't pee in someone else's picnic.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

OP I'm having doubts on your story.

 

 

You posted here that your wife blamed you...

Agreed. My wife even admitted it to the MC that she did this. My story sounds a lot like the OPs, except my wife never told me she didnt love me or didnt have feelings for me.

 

She did, however, transfer all her guilt on to me. I was always the bad guy, everything was always my fault. She was the one betraying the me and the kids, but I was the bad one.

 

 

BUT in your firs threads you said she was feeling guilty...

 

I believe her emotions are real. I've lived with her for 8 years and shes not that good of an actress. I was having a bad day yesterday due to me finally dwelling on what she had done. She did look ashamed and start sobbing uncontrollably before going outside in the dark to cry alone on the porch. When I finally got her back inside, she started sobbing that she was a horrible person, horrible wife, and horrible mother. She truly did seem ashamed and you cant fake the emotions she was having. She even threatened to kill herself, which I have never, ever heard her do. She said she could just drive her car off the freeway because she didnt deserve any of us and she was so ashamed of everything she brought on the family.

 

 

So which is the true?

Link to post
Share on other sites

I guess I lucked out on the family side. Her parents didn't find out until shortly after I did - I made her tell them. She did bring the subject up with her brother though. She says he simply said "I have no comment," but that the look on his face said far more than words ever could have.

 

When her mother found out, she asked if I had kicked her out. When my wife said no, her mother replied "Well, he should have. You'd best be thankful for that." Her mother then proceeded to spend the next hour cursing at her.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

I worked with a guy a few years ago and as he told me and a couple others, his wife who we all met was having an affair and her three closest friends knew about it and were her wing men. These women were married and my co worker was friends with them too.

 

He had an idea she was fooling around on him and he bought some nanny cams and concealed them in the living room and two in the bedroom. When he saw what was on the cams, he kept his cool (how, I don't know) and filed for divorce. It was after he divorced her that he found out about her three friends covering for her and kept it to himself and one day he struck back with vengeance.

 

He had a cook out and invited a lot of people. and the three friends of his ex wife were there with their husbands. They were in the living room and he finally turned to one of the three friends of hers and said for her to get the other two because he had something to show them. He said there was about twenty people in the living room and he said to her girlfriends that he knew that they covered for her and said that they only got the audio version of her affair, the grabbed the remote for the TV and said "I got the video version" and pushed the button and everyone got an eye full of his ex wife and the OM. he gave a copy to one of her friends and told her to deliver it to his ex.

 

The women left but not before their husbands got a good look at the video and they were not happy men when they found out about what their wives did.

 

He said later that night his phone rang for half the night and in to the next day along with some ugly messages from his ex. I Never found out what happened after.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
OP I'm having doubts on your story.

 

 

You posted here that your wife blamed you...

 

 

BUT in your firs threads you said she was feeling guilty...

 

 

 

 

So which is the true?

 

She didnt blame me for her affair. I was talking about the way she was BEFORE i found out about it. I guess she was taking her guilt and taking it out on me. I hear its pretty common for a WS to transfer the guilt they have onto their spouse while the affair it ongoing. All the faults she saw in me were really her faults. I guess they try to find a way to justify their actions by villianizing their spouse....

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

Wife's former best friend introduced her to OM/MM and encouraged it. Without getting into the whole story - this friend is not in my wife's life anymore by my request -except occasional bday card or FB post.

Link to post
Share on other sites
This is a question to all WS's. Did your best friend(s) know about your affair? My wife hung out with 2 guys (gay couple) and their single woman friend.

 

They were always talking, got together about once a week, and were all pretty close to each other. My wife says that none of them know anything about her affair. I'm just wondering how true that is. I still have them as facebook friends and generally liked them. Since I am reconciling with my wife, I know at some point I will see them again.

 

I personally would not care to be in their company if they knew the whole time and were maybe even complicit in her affair. I asked one of them on facebook if they had any knowledge and never got a reply.

 

So I'd like to know from any WS who kept their affair a secret, even from their best friends.

 

I've kept my affair completely secret even from my best friends. It's been hard because I have always told my one friend everything, we've known each other forever but she is also friends with my husband which is part of why I have never told her. I don't think she would rat me out but I didn't want to burden her with that secret as well as I know her opinion of me would drastically change, do I've never told her.

 

It's very possible your wife didnt tell her friends either.

Link to post
Share on other sites

My best friend knew about my affair and so did my brother. Neither of them were pleased but they didn't judge me. They didn't condone, but they both understood why and where I was coming from. When my H cheated, his friends and family knew before I did.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
ClemsonTigers
This is a question to all WS's. Did your best friend(s) know about your affair? My wife hung out with 2 guys (gay couple) and their single woman friend.

 

They were always talking, got together about once a week, and were all pretty close to each other. My wife says that none of them know anything about her affair. I'm just wondering how true that is. I still have them as facebook friends and generally liked them. Since I am reconciling with my wife, I know at some point I will see them again.

 

I personally would not care to be in their company if they knew the whole time and were maybe even complicit in her affair. I asked one of them on facebook if they had any knowledge and never got a reply.

 

So I'd like to know from any WS who kept their affair a secret, even from their best friends.

 

Some tell their friends…others don't and insulate themselves from everyone and anyone that might discourage or otherwise interfere with their illicit affair. Generally, if she hung out with them a lot while it was occurring …they knew, if they really didn't see each other or talk much, then probably not.

 

That being said….

 

Even if your wife is coming around mentally, wayward recovery is a slow process and they may still be protecting themselves from consequences. Her friends MAY know but she doesn't want to give them up for "such a silly reason" so she perpetuates another lie to protect them [and her interests].

 

Best way to deal with this is to snoop on your wife. VAR in her car under her seat and hopefully you'll catch a cell phone call with one or more of them that will give you the answer. You may even push the agenda along by planting the recorder AND then Facebook messaging the suspected friends about it.

 

I've seen recoveries fail years down the road when extra truths are discovered and revealed. The bedrock of recovery must BEGIN on truth and the best way to get the truth from waywards is to get it yourself. You are the only one thinking rationally and logically right now.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Nobody knew. Several people suspected, but they thought that my H was a good enough judge of character to know if we were doing that. Of course, he trusted both of us too much and never thought we'd do that (OM was his best friend).

Yeah, poor trusting guy. So much for marriage vows and forsaking all others and all that unimportant stuff.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I've kept my affair completely secret even from my best friends. It's been hard because I have always told my one friend everything, we've known each other forever but she is also friends with my husband which is part of why I have never told her. I don't think she would rat me out but I didn't want to burden her with that secret as well as I know her opinion of me would drastically change, do I've never told her.

 

It's very possible your wife didnt tell her friends either.

Gee, now why would her opinion of you drastically change? She must think highly of you. Too bad she doesn't know the REAL you and your disrespect of your marriage and your cuckolded husband. Too bad he doesn't know, either. He could dump you, leave you with your AP, and go and find someone who would cherish him. Life's a beatch, isn't it?!

Link to post
Share on other sites
Yeah, poor trusting guy. So much for marriage vows and forsaking all others and all that unimportant stuff.

 

CD is a remorseful wayward wife who is working on a tenative reconciliaion with her husband. She knows all that and is living with one of the biggest consequences I believe a remorseful ws has, the knowledge of how devestating and disgusting their behaviour was and that nothing will ever change that.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
CD is a remorseful wayward wife who is working on a tenative reconciliaion with her husband. She knows all that and is living with one of the biggest consequences I believe a remorseful ws has, the knowledge of how devestating and disgusting their behaviour was and that nothing will ever change that.

Don't get me wrong, I'm pulling for them and I wish them nothing but the best. Sometimes the things waywards do just grate on me like fingernails on a chalkboard.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
compulsivedancer
Some tell their friends…others don't and insulate themselves from everyone and anyone that might discourage or otherwise interfere with their illicit affair. Generally, if she hung out with them a lot while it was occurring …they knew, if they really didn't see each other or talk much, then probably not.

 

I disagree. The amount of time spent with the friends has nothing to do with whether she told them. I had a friend I saw weekly and another that was my roommate that I never told.

 

I was bursting to tell someone and never did. Before the A, I mentioned my attraction/interest in OM to a few people, but once it started I told NO ONE. In fact, that was part of the problem. If I had talked to someone other than OM, I might have come to my senses. The insular part of the affair is part of what creates that affair fog.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...