I feel like Im stuck... Any from BS of multiple EA?

[Unwrapped]

Hi. I am new here. This is my first post after lurking for a while. I don't really have anyone to talk to and need to get all this off my chest. I feel so alone. So here is my story. I will try to explain it as briefly as I can.

 

I started dating my husband 3 1/2 years ago. Six months into our relationship, he had an EA. I met him at work. I quit where we worked together about 4 months after we got together. He still worked there though. Right before I found out about the EA, I noticed he started acting all shady. He became a manager so every once in a while employees would text/call him about things. I noticed he started talking to this one girl in particular a lot. I would ask who he was talking to and he would say her name and I would say about what? And he would just say something like she needed to talk about her baby daddy or something like that. Well he would try to keep his phone out of my eye sight while he was talking to her. That's how I first became suspicious. Then she started posting really flirty things on his Facebook page about how he was her favorite manager or yada yada. I told him it needed to stop. He said he agreed and told me he told her to leave him alone. Well it didn't stop. And I got fed up and just told her to leave my boyfriend alone and she was inappropriate. Then she went off on me. Saying things like "You think Im inappropriate. Your boyfriend makes it seem like Im all stalkerish on him. Well if you only knew." And things like that. My now husband knew the flood waters were open then, because he tried to get me to not contact her at all and didn't want me speaking to her. So like any other person, I spoke to her. She told me that they had been talking and that he was telling her he loved her and all this. So I confronted him. He said he did that and he was sorry. He knew it would hurt me and he didn't know why he did it. But he told me that was it. We talked more but that's the main gist. Then I talked to the OW more. I didn't even know this girl and she gave me her Facebook email and password so I could log on to her account and read all the messages between her and him that he had obviously deleted from his account. And he was saying things like he loved her so much and he was about to break up with me. And that he wanted to support her and her 4 kids (Yes, she has 4 kids by at least 2 different guys and was only 22 at the time). All the while telling me that I was the best thing that ever happened to him and he couldn't imagine his life without me blah blah. She said that they had kissed one time but it didn't go any further than that. It was a lot more than I was expecting. What made it worse was that I had already confronted him and he still lied about it. He didn't tell me everything when I asked him if he needed to tell me anything else. He tried to still lie about what he could so he wouldn't look so bad. I confronted him again and he seemed to come clean. I mean, what reason did the OW have to lie to me? She didn't have anything to lose and she showed me the evidence.

 

I stayed with him because I truly did love him and felt that if I didn't try to work it out, then I would never know. I had never felt the way I did about him before. Fast foward to about six months later. We seemed to have worked through most things. Obviously I was still hurt, but I didn't feel the need to think about it all the time. Well we got pregnant. He was so excited. He always talked about how he wanted to have kids since the day I met him. Everything was going decent. He proposed to me in December before Christmas which was very exciting. It felt like things were on the up. I gave birth to our son in January. He was super excited and so was I. But I got a case of the baby blues the first couple of weeks after coming home. It didn't turn into PPD thank goodness, but it was during this 2 weeks that I discovered an email account that he had never told me about browsing on our computer one day. I looked through it and there were tons of emails responding to craiglists personals in our area. He was responding to the sexual personals saying things like "I have a big c**k and can last as long as I want" or "Im interested in discreet meetings". He even sent pictures of his upper body and got some naked pictures back from girls. When I looked at the dates, it had been going on almost the whole time I was pregnant. Which was the most devastating thing I could have imagined at the time. I dont think he ever met up with anyone because he never went and did anything alone or without someone that I knew. There was really no time frame for an actual meeting that I can think of. But it's like he just needed the attention and to know that girls still want him. I mean, I was pregnant with our child AND he proposed to me all whole doing this? And he continued to do it even after I had just given birth to our child! Because there were emails from just a day before I found all this! I was truly heartbroken. How could someone do that to their future wife who THEY chose to propose to and who had literally just birthed your child a week ago. I can't even fathom. It showed me that neither marriage or a baby would stop him from his selfish needs. I confronted him and we talked yada yada. I stayed with him because I was a new mom who had no way of supporting herself let alone her new baby. My husband has a good job and were able to live off one income. I have my mom but she struggles and so couldn't put that burden on her.

 

So it went on. Throughout the last year and a half or so. My husband had had a few times where he would be texting or talking to girls on the phone and would hide it from me. But I check the phone bill so I know when he does that. When I say few Im talking about 3-5 different times. They were all short lived and mostly people I knew or had heard of. But the fact that he doesn't tell me and hides it is what gets to me. He doesn't seem to understand that if it hurts me, he shouldn't do it. We also got married a year ago which I now deeply regret. I feel like he is never going to change and Im just wasting my time. I don't work right now but Im in school and will be working soon. I want to provide a life for my son that will make him happy and be fulfilling. I know I am leaving so many details out, so please forgive me. I am just trying to get all my thoughts out.

 

What sparked me coming on here was tonight we got into an argument that he intiated. He was irritated that I wouldn't let him go to a party where there would be alcohol without me late at night. I say no because I know he would never let me do that, even if he doesn't want to admit it. Then he brought up the trust issues. He said that he had only cheated once and it was on his ex-girlfriend. And that as soon as he did it, he told his ex-girlfriend because he felt so bad about it. Well I said you must have cared about her a lot more than you do me. And he got really upset about that. What I don't get is how he could feel so bad before but not with me. He continued to lie to my face several times after all of his EA's to try and cover his tracks as best he could so he wouldn't get "fully caught". He says that he never physically cheated on me so it's not the same thing. He says that talking to other women like he did isnt even cheating. I said it doesn't mean it hurts any less. And he continued to refute it and come up with crazy excuses. He says I always bring it up. But I only bring it up when I catch him talking to other women or doing something that Ive told him before that I don't want him doing. I think I would be able to get over it and "recover" if he could just give me a sincere "Im sorry" and actually feel bad for all he has done. He doesn't feel he has done anything wrong since none of it had been physical. I can't get over it because it seems like he doesn't care about my feelings. He started saying all these hurtful things like Ive sucked the life out of him and his family doesn't accept me because they see how Ive dragged him down. I mean really? Im not perfect but I damn well am not the one who caused all this. He decided his own fate and he has no remorse for anything he's done. He doesn't think I have the right be still be hurt by it and I should be over it by now. He thinks he should just have my trust back like its just something you throw around. He doesn't understand, it could take YEARS for me to ever fully trust him again and he doesn't want to accept that. I don't think I will ever trust him again after all he's put me through.

 

Sorry this was so long. I just needed to let it all out. Im so frustrated. Has anyone been in a situation similar to this? If so, how did you handle it? Should I even bother trying to stay in this marriage? Im so lost and I don't have any friends to talk to. Any help would be appreciated. Thanks so much.

[Realist3]

No, you should not stay in this marriage, unless you want this to continue for the rest of the time you are together.

[tiredofitall2]

People can and do change, but it typically takes a serious action on your part. I'm not going to be the one telling you to D him that he will never change because I've seen this before and I have seen sincere repentance. I think you are right and your H is looking for attention. There must be something that he is lacking and with IC/MC you can get to the bottom of it.

 

You can certainly require him to attend counseling as a condition for you to stay with him. Your child will need him so don't be hasty on filing for D, not at least until you have exhausted all your resources. It sounds like your H is addicted to the high of being "in love" and desperately looking for attention. So a professional can certainly help so that those emotional needs are me by you. Of course in tern he has to meet your needs as well.

 

If he does not improve or is simply not interested in seeking help, then by all means make a decision. But at least give the R a shot and schedule counseling with him. At the moment he is acting selfishly, but I have seen people wake up with the right stimuli.

 

BTW, I'm departing from the premise that these are all EA and not PA, not that makes a huge difference, but PA will put you at risk of STDs.

Edited December 21, 2013 by tiredofitall2

[Fluttershy]

People can change but only if they see where they are wrong and tke steps to do so. Honey, your H doesn't even see where he is at fault and he is blaming you! You can't change him.

 

I know you love him and have a child with him. But think of what kind of life it would be staying with him and this behaviour continuing for years. I would recommend you impliment the 180 on him. The thing about divorce is there is no rule you can't get back together. But it will show him his behaviour is unacceptable to you. He will either grow up, work on himself and try to win you back. Or he will name call, blame you, and continue flirting with very girl he meets. If the former, you in this time will be stronger and he will be a better husband. If the latter you will be stronger, independant and not have to be concerned about his wandering behaviour.

[Arieswoman]

You must get out of this now.

 

In fact you should have gone after the first EA.

 

From what you say he doesn't take either you or the marriage seriously, it seems that it is all about him. You don't need this kind of hurt, you deserve better.

 

I suggest you have a talk to a solicitor/lawyer to see what your position is. If he has a good job then he can afford to pay you child support, so don't worry about that.

 

I only have experience of one affair by my now exH, and I divorced him but girls I know stayed with men who cheated repeatedly. Each BS stayed in the marriage because they each had 4 children. After repeated affairs the WS left for the OW. So they ended up having to raise 4 kids anyway.

 

In my experience as long as you allow people to "have their cake and eat it" they will continue to do so.

 

Good luck.

[experiencethedevine]

I think it is time for you to tell your husband that this situation is no longer acceptable on any level, and that you intend to vacate this husk of a marriage unless he seeks professional guidance.

 

 

As you say, he refuses to acknowledge his own behaviour as being destructive to your relationship, then he must bear the very real consequences of that.

 

 

Have you family and friends you can stay with? Its a terrible time of year to be thinking about such an awful scenario I know, but I really do consider it the only way that your husband is ever going to see any light, if at all.

 

 

He is quite possibly a narcissist as well as having sociopathic tendencies in my opinion from what you describe, and as such has little to no respect for you.

[BetrayedH]

I happen to be a person that believes in second chances and you'll rarely see me advocate divorce. (Can you tell there's a "but" coming here?)

 

But if someone can cheat on you and see the effects it has, only to do it to you again, then it's time to call it quits. Your husband is obviously pursuing any sexual hookup he can find. I suspect there have been several and you just don't know about them. I wouldn't classify his cheating as "emotional" because he's seeking physical hookups on craigslist.

 

You are also completely right about your expectations of rebuilding trust, having healthy boundaries, and so forth. He's failing on those miserably. He's dropped a nuke on your marriage and is complaining about how long it takes for you to clean it up. It's absurd. Stop doubting yourself about it.

 

I'm very concerned for you because he's not remorseful and it's obvious how afraid you are to leave. Your fear is the real problem. If you stay, you'll no longer be a victim but a volunteer. And your child will see an absolutely awful example of a marriage. You need to try to stop making emotional decisions and really start making decisions with your head. You've got to get smart about how to get out. Quit engaging with him and focus on the task of providing your child with a healthy environment. Kids that grow up in these situations either end up hating both parents (that includes hating you for being a doormat) or worse, they end up like their father, thinking that disrespecting women and cheating is normal in relationships and marriage.

 

I really hope you talk to an attorney. Many of them will provide an initial consultation for free. But I think you would do better in a divorce than you probably expect. Women will little means to support themselves, small children, and unfaithful husbands are typically protected very well in a divorce. I don't know where you live but I'd bet that you'll get child support and a few years of good spousal support. Borrow the initial money from family (have them write up a promissory note) and there's a chance he'll even have to pay for your legal fees. At minimum, do the consultation to find out your rights and a good idea of what to expect.

 

I'm sorry for what you're going thru but when they have multiple affairs, even after being caught, and show little or no remorse, it's time to run and your only questions should be how far and how fast. Get your child out of there and use the child and spousal support to start a new life. That's my $.02

[tiredofitall2]

If you want to see him change do this:

 

 

• Move out with family
  
• Go LC (limited contact) only for things related to the child
  
• Give it at least 60 days and don't come back until he had agreed to MC
  
• You must eliminate the option of him to have his cake and eat it to
  
• If he's not back begging and a agreeing to a plan of openness and complete accountability, then file for D
  

Like I said earlier, he's just chasing butterflies, he knows it is wrong, but he does it because you have allowed it and the respect is gone. In order for you to earn it back do the things outlined above.

 

 

No reasoning with him or trying to make him see his wrong doing will make a difference. Take action.

[BetrayedH]

If you want to see him change do this:

 

 

• Move out with family
  
• Go LC (limited contact) only for things related to the child
  
• Give it at least 60 days and don't come back until he had agreed to MC
  
• You must eliminate the option of him to have his cake and eat it to
  
• If he's not back begging and a agreeing to a plan of openness and complete accountability, then file for D
  

Like I said earlier, he's just chasing butterflies, he knows it is wrong, but he does it because you have allowed it and the respect is gone. In order for you to earn it back do the things outlined above.

 

 

No reasoning with him or trying to make him see his wrong doing will make a difference. Take action.

 

This is a wise course of action if you still want to salvage the marriage. Get solid boundaries in place, show him you're not kidding, and require action before you'll consider reconciling with him. I also recommend you look up 'the 180' and read the thread pinned at the top of this forum, Things that every wayward spouse needs to know, so that you know what true remorse looks like. He's far from it. Respect yourself enough to demand it or he'll never respect you enough to do it.