H is at his office Christmas party

[Sadwife37]

2 yrs and 1 month past D Day. R is going really well - almost all the time. But on nights like these I see how far I am from being past the A. 11:40 pm and H has been at his staff Christmas party since 4:00. No spouses included. Also no OW. Just the staff. Lots of eating, drinking, socializing, partying, etc. A typical Christmas party I guess. Totally innocent and appropriate. Probably. That doesn't stop my stomach from being in knots and my head from spinning. Maybe next year it will be easier. Hopefully.

[Raena]

Why weren't spouses allowed? Never been to a christmas party where spouses or SO's weren't allowed.

[Sadwife37]

I think it is a horrible policy. So do many of the other wives. The office has about 60 staff. They have a family Christmas party for kids that includes families but every year the annual Christmas party is just a big office sponsored fancy meal and drunk. 12:03 now and still not home.

[Zahara]

Why is there no checking in i.e. "hey hun, still at the party be home around 1." From 4PM to midnight -- silence?

[HurtHalo79]

Don't stress too much sadwife. I hope he is at least checking in via SMS etc?

[anne1707]

Why weren't spouses allowed? Never been to a christmas party where spouses or SO's weren't allowed.

 

And I have never worked anywhere where spouses were allowed.

 

Sadwife -my husband and I keep in contact throughout the evening by text when either of us has to go to the works Christmas party. Its a little thing but it helps.

[experiencethedevine]

Oh so difficult for you my dear, as has been noted, I do hope that he is at least sending you the odd message of reassurance, and by now it will all be over.

 

 

As you say, next year will likely be entirely different. Don't feel bad that it makes you uncomfortable, that is for your man to assuage when he gets home, but also don't make too much of it. Remember: you have no control over how your husband behaves, but you can control how you react to his behaviour. It gives you back some power. You are in my thoughts today, chin up! .......................

[Artie Lang]

a company like that doesn't respect the institution of marriage(or a relationship), in my opinion. i wouldn't go without my spouse, regardless of the policy.

 

and if they made attendance mandatory, i'd tell them to go f*ck themselves..... i just wouldn't go. i'd like to seem them fire me for something like that. do you imagine the negative PR they'd get for terminating somebody for that?

Edited December 21, 2013 by Artie Lang

[Iguanna]

These times it's better to just go to sleep and think that tomorrow it will be a another and better day. Sending you hope

[BetrayedH]

((Sadwife))

[whatatangledweb]

a company like that doesn't respect the institution of marriage(or a relationship), in my opinion. i wouldn't go without my spouse, regardless of the policy.

 

and if they made attendance mandatory, i'd tell them to go f*ck themselves..... i just wouldn't go. i'd like to seem them fire me for something like that. do you imagine the negative PR they'd get for terminating somebody for that?

 

My company does a xmas dinner which includes family. Then we have one just for employees. We need team work in order to make our company work. Our boss believes that the party helps with that. No pressure, no deadlines, just having fun. We also have a strict no dating each other policy. The party is not mandatory.

 

I never thought anything about it. Yet as a now BS I wouldn't want my husband going to something like that.

[anne1707]

a company like that doesn't respect the institution of marriage(or a relationship), in my opinion. i wouldn't go without my spouse, regardless of the policy.

 

Or maybe they just see the office party as something to benefit their employees only. Or they cannot justify doubling the cost of a party to allow for people who don't actually work for them. Or maybe they cannot spend more because it creates tax liabilities above certain amounts per employee.

 

I really do not see at all how not including spouses could be considered disrespectful of marriage.

[xxoo]

Any update?

 

I don't think employee only Christmas parties are disrespectful. My H went to one yesterday, in fact, also beginning around 4. But he left at 6, came home, and spent the evening with his family. What's with the 8+ hours? Is that his choice, or some sort of company expectation?

[Artie Lang]

whatever the reason for not including your spouse, it's just "not cool." if it's too much of strain on a company to accommodate additional guests, then just give out gift certificates and be on your way.

 

how can you possibly ask your employees to discount their SO during a festive time like Christmas when friends and family are at the heart of such a holiday..... they should promote this togetherness.

 

 

i mean seriously, would you ever invite someone to a party you are throwing and NOT invite that person's SO? i'd be insulted. who does that?

 

it's one freakin' day out of the year, for Christ's sake.

 

 

(sorry for the t/j, OP. i went on a little rant there.)

Edited December 21, 2013 by Artie Lang

[xxoo]

Artie, it comes down to what does the individual do in this circumstance. And that is how it is relevant to this forum. Normally, in such an informal party that spouses are not invited, an employee can make an appearance, share some festivities, and excuse himself to go home to his family. This is why I'm questioning the 8+ hours the OP's husband was at the party. Was that a company expectation? If so, some explanation is needed. If not, it means her husband chose to spend 8 hours at a staff Christmas party.

[Artie Lang]

i honestly think he shouldn't have gone without her, especially with all she went through.

 

i get that reconciliation is going well for them, but this was a faux pas on his part, in my opinion. he left her on pins and needles here.

Edited December 21, 2013 by Artie Lang

[xxoo]

I agree with that, Artie.

 

OP, does your husband know how it affects you? Did he know before the party?

[Sadwife37]

Good morning.

Thank you for all the reply's. Sorry for the delay in posting a follow up. My H has been sticking to me like glue all morning. When he sees me on LS he always thinks it means I am not doing so well - and I didn't want him dwelling on my reaction to his party today.

 

He came home just after 12:30 last night. I was in bed when he got home but still awake of course. He was affectionate and talking to me about the party immediately. He apologized for keeping me up, since he knows I don't rest well while he is out. I said no problem.

 

He did not smell like perfume (I'm sort of being funny )and he certainly did not act guilty or distant in any way. He said when he left about half the staff were still there.

 

The party is not mandatory. He could certainly skip it or leave right after the meal. And if I asked him too he would. The year of the A he only went for about 2 hrs. And did not drink. Last year and this year were about the same I would say. The office closes at 4 and everyone goes to the party. Christmas bonuses and gifts are given out by Santa and then they have supper starting at 6:30 or so. After supper they socialize and there is an open bar. I know many of his co workers. We socialize together, have dinner parties, etc.

 

We did have contact during the evening by text. Lots of contact in fact. I'm sure H made sure of this. He checked in to make sure I got home after work okay - it was snowing. That was at 5:30. At 7 he sent a text about the food not bring very good and saying we are food snobs. At about 9:30 he sent a text checking on the kids. I texted a pic back of them decorating a gingerbread house. He said he showed the pick to the people he was sitting with and everyone says our middle son is exactly like him. And he is. At 11 he texted me saying good night Babe, I love you and I won't be out late.

 

Lots of contact, I know. But he was still out drinking and partying in private. And he sent me lots of texts during his A, too.

 

I really don't believe anything happened last night. Or that anything will ever happen again. Hopefully eventually the sick stomach and crazy nerves will go away. 5 years ago I felt totally secure and safe and confident when he wads out at these events - and I wad wrong.

 

I don't want to make him stop going. I know I could do that. That doesn't feel right to me. He really doesn't go out to things without me very often. And the Christmas party had always been this way where he works. I haven't made a big issue of my concern about it. And today everything is okay. He already knows I worry and I'm sure that is why he is being even more close today.

 

Thanks for the support everyone.

[HurtHalo79]

So glad to hear everything went great, and that he was in contact throughout the night.

 

It's important you both have nights on occasion to do your own thing, and thank goodness he was thoughtful enough to include you and reaffirm your fears via contact.

[xxoo]

It bothers me that he would stay at a party that long knowing that it triggers you. How does he even enjoy himself? I don't get it.

[leonine]

As a former WW I don't think I would have stayed out that late, but ultimately, if you didn't set an expectation of when he should come home, it's hard to fault him. It sounds like he was trying to be sensitive to your feelings by staying in contact, so that's good.

 

It's hard to know if you're doing enough for your BS, so if there's something else that he could have done to make you feel better, you should tell him. Obviously don't be accusatory if you're not angry about how he handled things. Just be like, "honey, I really appreciated the texts you sent me. It let me know you were thinking about me and that was wonderful. I still felt some anxiety though, so maybe next time if you did X as well would make me feel better." If he's not a jerk face, he won't take this as a criticism and he'll be happy to do what you ask the next time he's in a similar situation. Truly repentant fWSs know that it's on us to do everything we can to try and rebuild trust.

 

My company had an employee only informal get together last week. I discussed it with my husband and he was okay with me going. I volunteered that I would be home by 8, and I would have been if I had gone. It turned out that there was another party that evening that he was invited to that could have an impact on his career. I went with him to his party. Before the affair, we probably would have each gone to our separate events. It would have been fun to spend some social time with my coworkers, but it was more than worth it to have my husband thank me for going with him and supporting him.

[AlwaysGrowing]

In my experience..people who do not share how they really feel/felt tend to build up resentment.

 

Because they never shared...they never gave the other person the opportunity to do something about it. Then it is held against them through resentment.

 

There is nothing more frustrating than having a "mark" held against you, that if you knew it would be...you would have made a different choice..often..over something that didn't matter to you either way.

[jnel921]

I guess these events cause these triggers. Just as I feel a trigger when it comes to attending an event where my H's coworkers knew of his infidelity.

 

I had my company Christmas party this week as well. No spouses allowed. I called my H a couple of times and left at 10pm although the party was until 12am.

 

its good that you were texting each other. Would have felt differently if there was no contact at all.

[Spark1111]

I still sometimes trigger if my spouse is late at work or has any job related event. his affair was with a co-worker so there were ALWAYS late nights, fake business dinners, etc. used and lied about to cover the affair.

 

he knows this and we discuss it often. Add to this empty nest syndrome; my mother's passing this year and the loneliness can be overwhelming after work.

 

So, if I know he has reason to be late....I make other plans.

 

I know this is difficult with younger children, to arrange child care, etc., but if I sense I will trigger, be sad, be lonely....or grow resentful...I make other plans.

 

it helps and works for us....that I always have the option to be out doing something fun for me too.

[Oberfeldwebel]

Personally, I would have turned off the phone and went to bed, let him wonder what you are doing and what he is missing. Twenty years from now, he won't even remember their names, if that is how he wants to waste his time so be it.