Fredflintstone Posted December 19, 2013 Share Posted December 19, 2013 I don't want to keep giving the background info, I'll just say my wife had an affair and I lost some weight due to the stress of it all. As a result I've had to buy some new clothes, I've usually bought clothes that were presentable but I thought I'd try out a different style of jeans than my usual baggy type. Ive bought new shirts and t-shirts etc. My oldest son has given me some of his jeans and a jacket that doesn't fit him anymore. I've also started going to the gym with my son and as a result I'm quite stiff as I've never been before. My wife has made comments about this “New me" that I resent, saying I'm having a midlife crisis, buying clothes that are too young for me! Apparently I don't dress like a man whose nearly 40. It seems to me she feels it's ok for her to look nice but not for me. Since my weight loss I do feel better about myself and going to the gym, for me, is getting out of the house and having an interest which I haven't had in a longtime. I would have thought these changes would make her happier but it seems not and that bugs me. Isn't it a good thing to feel good and have interests that keep you in shape. It makes me feel she's just trying to p*ss on my fireworks or am I over reacting? Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted December 19, 2013 Share Posted December 19, 2013 Absolute jealousy. You are acting, looking and feeling better and she wants to criticize you. You're not allowed to get better, only she is. Puleeease. As difficult as it is, you just need to move your exW from the "I care about your opinion" category to the "Your opinion is meaningless" category. Keep doing it for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Fluttershy Posted December 19, 2013 Share Posted December 19, 2013 Your wife cheated on you. Everything your doing google says could be an affair. So, you are exhibiting cheater signs in the wake of your wife's infidelity. She is scared spitless you are or are going to cheat on her or simply leave and find someone who hasn't cheated. I don't think this has anything to do with her looks or you looking "better than her". I think this hs everything to do with her fears and insecurities. Be honest with her and tell her you don't appreciate the snide comments. And then ask her if she is worried you will/are cheating. If you want to build a strong marriage don't taunt her or torture her with this. If she has been doing the work on herself she will be honest with you about her fears but don't think she will come to tou on her own. RAs are every rWS worst fear. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fredflintstone Posted December 19, 2013 Author Share Posted December 19, 2013 Your wife cheated on you. Everything your doing google says could be an affair. So, you are exhibiting cheater signs in the wake of your wife's infidelity. She is scared spitless you are or are going to cheat on her or simply leave and find someone who hasn't cheated. I don't think this has anything to do with her looks or you looking "better than her". I think this hs everything to do with her fears and insecurities. Be honest with her and tell her you don't appreciate the snide comments. And then ask her if she is worried you will/are cheating. If you want to build a strong marriage don't taunt her or torture her with this. If she has been doing the work on herself she will be honest with you about her fears but don't think she will come to tou on her own. RAs are every rWS worst fear. She's already told me she thinks I'll have an affair to which I replied I'll never sink that low. I am honestly feeling better about myself, going with my son to the gym. Me buying clothes is somethin g I neef rather than want because hardly anything fits me anymore. It also feels good that my son's clothes fit me, I'll probably put weight back on over time but right now, I'm riding that wave. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted December 19, 2013 Share Posted December 19, 2013 I would keep working on you. There is nothing wrong with making yourself look good and taking care of yourself. She is the one that messed up and you did not. Let her feel what ever she wants. Hell I would find some new friends to hang out with and go out a couple nights a week without her. Let her twist in the wind for a while before you slow things back down. I guess that would be in spite but hey all is fair in love and war right? Clay Link to post Share on other sites
Fluttershy Posted December 19, 2013 Share Posted December 19, 2013 I would keep working on you. There is nothing wrong with making yourself look good and taking care of yourself. She is the one that messed up and you did not. Let her feel what ever she wants. Hell I would find some new friends to hang out with and go out a couple nights a week without her. Let her twist in the wind for a while before you slow things back down. I guess that would be in spite but hey all is fair in love and war right? Clay This is not helpful advice for reconciliation at all which is what I believe the OP is doing. But, if they aren't haveing honest conversations with each other they aren't really putting much work into it. Or he is an she isn't. Tell her to stop being snide then. That you look and feel great and are happy with yourself. If she doesn't like it then show her the door. Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted December 19, 2013 Share Posted December 19, 2013 Flutter your probably right. I guess I just let things get away from me once in a while. Sorry about that. Clay 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fredflintstone Posted December 19, 2013 Author Share Posted December 19, 2013 I asked her to come out with me this Saturday for my work Xmas party. She refused because I had to tell my boss about the affair as it was affecting my attendance and performance. She's someone who cares alot about what people think of her, which I've always told her for years is no way to live. Even before this she's usually had excuses more often than not. Link to post Share on other sites
Fluttershy Posted December 19, 2013 Share Posted December 19, 2013 I asked her to come out with me this Saturday for my work Xmas party. She refused because I had to tell my boss about the affair as it was affecting my attendance and performance. She's someone who cares alot about what people think of her, which I've always told her for years is no way to live. Even before this she's usually had excuses more often than not. I apologize if you have answered this on another thread but hat is your wife doing to improve herself? Is she doing any work at all on herself? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
painfullyobvious Posted December 19, 2013 Share Posted December 19, 2013 A sign of having an affair is doing what you are doing. I wonder if your wife is getting concerned because it appears that positive things are happening for you and it bothers her that you are not wallowing any longer at her feet. I remember when my ex was upset at me for making changes in my personal life while I was trying to reconcile. She accused me of cheating as well. I think this is common because people often accuse others of what they feel or do. A cheater accuses a BS because they feels threatened by you feeling good about yourself which others find attractive. They also accuse others because they fear the "revenge" affair or ONS, and they are still cheating and accuse the BS for doing what they are doing. After my gut feeling that something was wrong in my relationship I noticed that my ex was accusing me of cheating all the time. It was a sign that I missed but only realized while looking back. I believe it is fear and transference that causes this accusation. Good for you for taking care of yourself and continue to take care of yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted December 19, 2013 Share Posted December 19, 2013 I asked her to come out with me this Saturday for my work Xmas party. She refused because I had to tell my boss about the affair as it was affecting my attendance and performance. She's someone who cares alot about what people think of her, which I've always told her for years is no way to live. Even before this she's usually had excuses more often than not. Then tell her if she will not go with you, she did so much for the OM. Why can't she go with you and try to build some future with you? She did so much for the OM, she could go with you and try to treat you nice. What, does she want you to take someone else? She should do something positive to help you. If you go by yourself, what will she be doing? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fredflintstone Posted December 19, 2013 Author Share Posted December 19, 2013 I apologize if you have answered this on another thread but hat is your wife doing to improve herself? Is she doing any work at all on herself? She does let me know, what she's doing and where she's going. She tries to have a close family relative with her all the time. She has let herself go abit since dday but she seems to be carrying the burden of guilt pretty hard. She's taking meds for blood pressure, depression and to help with sleep. She gets annoyed alot of the time when I ask her questions about it but I've gleaned some information from it so I keep asking questions. I keep telling her that I need honesty and she says I know all the worst parts, somethings she just can't remember but I think she's a very guarded person. I want her to let that go but I think she's finding it hard, other than that not alot. Apart from her remorse and trying to make me feel loved etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fredflintstone Posted December 19, 2013 Author Share Posted December 19, 2013 A sign of having an affair is doing what you are doing. I wonder if your wife is getting concerned because it appears that positive things are happening for you and it bothers her that you are not wallowing any longer at her feet. I remember when my ex was upset at me for making changes in my personal life while I was trying to reconcile. She accused me of cheating as well. I think this is common because people often accuse others of what they feel or do. A cheater accuses a BS because they feels threatened by you feeling good about yourself which others find attractive. They also accuse others because they fear the "revenge" affair or ONS, and they are still cheating and accuse the BS for doing what they are doing. After my gut feeling that something was wrong in my relationship I noticed that my ex was accusing me of cheating all the time. It was a sign that I missed but only realized while looking back. I believe it is fear and transference that causes this accusation. Good for you for taking care of yourself and continue to take care of yourself. She doesn't accuse me of cheating but has thought I had in the passed which I've never done. Only after the affair and the massive uproar it caused with relatives did she fully accept this. Her reasoning being that she believes either myself or a relative would have told her just to hurt her. Which, ofcourse wouldn't happen because I never did. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fredflintstone Posted December 19, 2013 Author Share Posted December 19, 2013 Then tell her if she will not go with you, she did so much for the OM. Why can't she go with you and try to build some future with you? She did so much for the OM, she could go with you and try to treat you nice. What, does she want you to take someone else? She should do something positive to help you. If you go by yourself, what will she be doing? Looking after our son, hopefully. Link to post Share on other sites
whatatangledweb Posted December 19, 2013 Share Posted December 19, 2013 She is jealous. She is also afraid that with you looking so good you will do what she did. Personally I find that insulting to you. Looking good helps you feel good . You deserve to feel good about yourself. You are not changing your morals just because you change your looks. Keep going and doing what makes you feel good . No RA though Link to post Share on other sites
happyman64 Posted December 19, 2013 Share Posted December 19, 2013 Fred Go have a great time at the party. Look your best. Maybe in time your wife will grow up, get some self esteem and be your equal partner in the marriage. HM Link to post Share on other sites
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