So it's been a year, now what?

[screwedovertwenty]

Last year, Cyber Monday, I bought him a present. He came home late that night with a ticket. He was surprised I was still awake, and seemed excessively guilty about the ticket. I knew there was something he wasn't telling me. In the morning, I got up and looked at the ticket and realized that he got the ticket a half hour before he texted me that he was off work. That's how it all started.

 

I was in the middle of planning Christmas for our family. We were a few weeks away from making an offer on a house. I had just gone back to school at the beginning of the year. We had been through so much and I thought we were almost there. Almost in our own house and almost to a place in our lives that I thought we both wanted.

 

I found out about the other woman. It took a week for me to get to the fact that there was sex, lots and lots of sex. Twelve hours after I found out about the sex, he left me sitting in a church parking lot devastated because he said he didn't want to work it out. He changed his mind four hours later. I spent the next six months feeling like I was on the worlds worst acid trip.

 

It's been a year and I know he is so incredibly remorseful. He really is and he is trying like I didn't know he could. But my heart still hurts so bad. I love him, but it's not the same. It's not what it should be. I have told him that if it wasn't for the kids, I would have been long gone. I know I can be happy without him, but my kids wont be. Right now we are financially screwed and couldn't afford to live separately.

 

I think in his eyes, things are going great. In mine, I am just getting by.

 

The affair started two years ago this month, as I was planning Christmas. He had never even had a conversation with her. She handed him her number and he told her he was married and she said she knows. He called her a few days later. Two days later they split the cost of a hotel. Less than two weeks later (3 days before Christmas) she got a room for them. There were two more hotel trysts that she paid for in March and April. On the last hotel visit, he let me believe he was home with the kids when he was actually sitting around waiting three hours (until 2am) to have a fifteen minute romp. From May until I found out, they spent their afternoons and evenings at the river.

 

I know when our marriage started deteriorating. It was in 2006, when he decided to work two jobs and asked me to quit mine. From that year on, things got worse and worse. He forgot my birthday more than he remembered it. After forgetting my fortieth, in 2009, I gave up on him. All he wanted from me all of those years was sex. I could barely bring myself to do it with him anymore because he made me feel like I didn't matter at all. That's the year he thought things went bad.

 

In 2011, a friend of mine suggested that I date, after discussing my marriage with her. I told her that I couldn't do that. She told me that I should divorce him and I thought that I had no reason. He worked hard and he is a nice guy. I just wasn't happy and I didn't think that was a reason for divorce. I decided at that point that I was going to work on trying to make things better and if that didn't work I would leave when the kids were all grown. That October, I planned a really nice anniversary for us. Two months later he was splitting the cost of a hotel with a stranger.

 

In our entire 21 years together, I have been cleaning up his messes. This was all on him. The decline of our marriage was on him.

 

How do I fall in love with this man again???????

[BetrayedH]

Consistent actions over time, SoT. A year is too soon.

[painfullyobvious]

Two years is about when many people seem to rekindle the relationship or at least be able to move forward if they are trying to reconcile. It is so hard to forgive I understand that. I actually couldn't do it. I gave up after a short attempt at reconciliation. You do have a person who is remorseful, trying to repair your relationship and at least saying the right things.

 

 

I do not pretend to know everything about your relationship but it appears that you have a lot of resentment not only for the affair but the fact that he asked you to quit a job, forgot important dates that meant a lot to you and that you felt like more of an object for a few years than an emotional being. I think you need to see someone like a counselor to address those issues and communicate that to your husband. I am not saying that your resentment is not valid but reconciliation needs to be both people moving forward. I think your marriage was in trouble before the affair.

 

 

Both of you need to be on the same page as far as reconciliation and that does not mean just agree to reconcile. There are some large issues here that were amplified by an affair. Its been two years and it seems like you are having trouble connecting with your husband emotionally. I don't blame you but perhaps a counselor could help these issues. You are still disconnected from him if you have to ask how to fall back in love with him.

 

 

I wish you and everyone who is reconciling the best of luck

[yellowmaverick]

How do I fall in love with this man again???????

 

I am so sorry, screwed. (((screwed))).

 

I can't answer this question. After more than two years after d-day, I decided that I could not reconcile. I can barely look at him and it gets worse every day.

 

All I could do is tell him that I certainly hope that he thought it was worth losing me, his children's respect, his reputation, his soul. It would be a shame if he threw his life away for nothing.

[Fluttershy]

You say you are always cleaning up the messes but that he is a true remorseful wayward spouse. Those two statements contradict one another. Either you are doin all the work for reconciliation and cleanin up the mess his affair left or he really is doing the work to rebuild trust, court you, and be a husband worth a second chance. If it is the first then you need to rethink reconciliaion and perhaps verbally become his room mate until finances are sorted. If it is the second that no you aren't cleaning up his mess this time you are taking andtand and makin him.

 

People say on here the WS does the heavy lifting. I don't belive that. I believe the WS needs to stay open, honest, build trust, show love, remain patient, shelve personal grievences from the marriage for a time, and do plenty of soul searching. But a BS needs to (in the een of reconciliation) learn to handle their emotions and actions in a healthy productive way, work on letting the resentment and anger go (who would ever say that is the easy part) Let themselves be vunerable and honest with the person who hurt them the most, Give up the need to punish and not hold the affair over their wayward spouse's head. And they need to maintain their self respect and be confident that should infidelity crop up again that it is over. And the BS also has to learn how to take responsibility for their failures in the marriage (in the case of a failin marriage) without feeling like doing so is saying the cheating was okay.

 

That is a lot of heavy stuff. And of course neither a WS or a BS are going to get it all the time. But by working on being positive and giving it your all you will have a better shot at a happy marriage.

 

And all that said give yourself a break. It has been only a year. You have had problems for 8 years. This isn't going to happen quickly.

[Steadfast]

There's two groups when it comes to marriages touched by infidelity, each having considerable issues. Many, if not most who attempt recon struggle with the exact problems you've described, the other group wishes the betraying spouse would try. Clearly, cheating does its damage regardless.

 

I can say this; I wanted my ex to try, but she didn't. It was her plan to destroy the marriage and put a lot of effort into it. I only bring this up because if your husband is still there, he probably wants to be there.

 

Whether or not this is in your favor rests entirely on you, but it might be wise to ask yourself if you would have wanted him back if had he left? If you're honest, the answer is probably yes. None of us enjoy rejection, and since rejection is not something you've had to deal with, the depth of his actions jump to the forefront. Your feelings in my opinion, are justified.

 

It's impossible to love or be romantically attracted to a person you don't respect. This is especially true for women, who tend to think a little deeper. If your plan is to see it through, you and he must take the steps to restore respect first. Kidd is right; one year is not enough. Five, even ten years may pass before you don't think of it constantly. For some, it's a lifetime.

 

One last thought. I don't believe I will ever reach the point of being happy about my divorce, but it was the right thing to do and I've made the best of it. Still, she didn't want to be married to me. I had no choice. You do. That's a better position to be in, even if, ultimately, it isn't any easier. It's easy to love the loveable SoT. Love is tested by loving the unloveable. No one would blame you if your decision moved to minimize the risk.

[screwedovertwenty]

What kind of ticket? Like a lottery ticket? Did you have suspicions before that?

 

 

 

It was a traffic ticket.

 

 

It was also not good before the affair, correct? Or since 2006 I think you said? The only reason I point that out is it is important not to over-romanticize what never existed in the first place. Maybe it helps to realize it wasnt what it should have been at that point (pre-affair) either?

 

 

 

It was terrible before the affair. Like I said, from 2006 it just got worse and worse. He worked all the time and I was home with the kids and when he came home all he wanted was sex. He didn't talk about anything. He often just whipped it out and put it in my face when he got home. It was bad.

 

 

Why did he want you to quit your job and him work 2 jobs?

 

Because he was trying to be the man of the house. He thought that was what was best. I told him that I didn't want to quit my job but he took on the second job anyways. I think his intentions were good, but what came of it was not at all good.

 

Why did you feel like you didnt matter? What did he do (or not do) to make you feel that way?

 

 

He forgot my birthdays. When I had pneumonia and called him to take me to the hospital (because I was gasping for air), he told me that he couldn't get off work. He would come home from work and just expect sex on the spot. He did not talk to me about work or anything. It was literally only sex unless I was the one doing the talking for all of those years. I also resorted to buying my own Christmas presents when the kids started noticing that I never got any.

 

 

 

I think the cheating was all on him, but could the decline of the marriage be both of your doings? The reason I say is, maybe if you are able to move the blame solely on him (not for the cheating - he is at fault for that, but just for the decline of the marriage) then maybe you wont have so much anger for him, and could garner some empathy/sympathy/comradery/love?

 

I am far from perfect, but we have both searched our souls to figure out where it all went wrong and we both agree it was all on him. He said the only thing he was worried about was working. I tried to tell him several times that it felt like all he cared about was sex and he blew me off every time. I really wish I had done something to contribute to the mess that became our marriage. I really do. Yes, I stopped having sex with him at the drop of a hat, after the first three years of emotional rejection. It was down to once a week or every other week because it was so hard for me to bring myself to have sex with him.

 

Are you two able to communicate openly? Does he know how you feel? Show him what you wrote here, and listen to his response. Have you done marital counseling?

 

We communicate very openly now. He knows exactly how I feel. We did marital counseling in the beginning until the sessions ran out. I would like to get back to it, but I am not even sure we are going to have health insurance come the first of the year.

 

Thank you for sharing your story. I am sorry you are hurting. I think generally what i've heard is 2-5 yrs is the recovery period. I think at 1 yr its normal to feel what you are feeling. Affairs are devastating and the repurcussions last for years. I can understand it being so difficult to get over the resentment.

 

Thank you for your response! I suck at quotes, so hopefully I did that right. I tried to bold my answers.

[screwedovertwenty]

Two years is about when many people seem to rekindle the relationship or at least be able to move forward if they are trying to reconcile. It is so hard to forgive I understand that. I actually couldn't do it. I gave up after a short attempt at reconciliation. You do have a person who is remorseful, trying to repair your relationship and at least saying the right things.

 

 

I do not pretend to know everything about your relationship but it appears that you have a lot of resentment not only for the affair but the fact that he asked you to quit a job, forgot important dates that meant a lot to you and that you felt like more of an object for a few years than an emotional being. I think you need to see someone like a counselor to address those issues and communicate that to your husband. I am not saying that your resentment is not valid but reconciliation needs to be both people moving forward. I think your marriage was in trouble before the affair.

 

 

Both of you need to be on the same page as far as reconciliation and that does not mean just agree to reconcile. There are some large issues here that were amplified by an affair. Its been two years and it seems like you are having trouble connecting with your husband emotionally. I don't blame you but perhaps a counselor could help these issues. You are still disconnected from him if you have to ask how to fall back in love with him.

 

 

I wish you and everyone who is reconciling the best of luck

 

I do have resentment. Lots of it. I wish I didn't. How do you love someone you resent?

 

I resent the fact that after everything he put me through in our early years with his drinking (3 dui's in a year) that I wasn't even worth a conversation. It was easier for him to make a phone call to a stranger than it was to talk to me about our problems. I do resent that he wanted me to quit that job. I loved that job. Since that time, I went back to waiting tables because it was flexible enough to be the primary care giver for the kids.

[screwedovertwenty]

I am so sorry, screwed. (((screwed))).

 

I can't answer this question. After more than two years after d-day, I decided that I could not reconcile. I can barely look at him and it gets worse every day.

 

All I could do is tell him that I certainly hope that he thought it was worth losing me, his children's respect, his reputation, his soul. It would be a shame if he threw his life away for nothing.

 

Thank you. He tells me all the time that it wasn't worth it. He hates himself for it. She was a piece of ass and that was it.

[screwedovertwenty]

You say you are always cleaning up the messes but that he is a true remorseful wayward spouse. Those two statements contradict one another. Either you are doin all the work for reconciliation and cleanin up the mess his affair left or he really is doing the work to rebuild trust, court you, and be a husband worth a second chance. If it is the first then you need to rethink reconciliaion and perhaps verbally become his room mate until finances are sorted. If it is the second that no you aren't cleaning up his mess this time you are taking andtand and makin him.

 

People say on here the WS does the heavy lifting. I don't belive that. I believe the WS needs to stay open, honest, build trust, show love, remain patient, shelve personal grievences from the marriage for a time, and do plenty of soul searching. But a BS needs to (in the een of reconciliation) learn to handle their emotions and actions in a healthy productive way, work on letting the resentment and anger go (who would ever say that is the easy part) Let themselves be vunerable and honest with the person who hurt them the most, Give up the need to punish and not hold the affair over their wayward spouse's head. And they need to maintain their self respect and be confident that should infidelity crop up again that it is over. And the BS also has to learn how to take responsibility for their failures in the marriage (in the case of a failin marriage) without feeling like doing so is saying the cheating was okay.

 

That is a lot of heavy stuff. And of course neither a WS or a BS are going to get it all the time. But by working on being positive and giving it your all you will have a better shot at a happy marriage.

 

And all that said give yourself a break. It has been only a year. You have had problems for 8 years. This isn't going to happen quickly.

 

I have been cleaning up his messes since the beginning of our marriage. He had three dui's in a year. He showed up to the hospital room drunk, with his drinking buddy, the night that I delivered our son. I worked three jobs while he was in jail for the dui's, while taking care of our two toddlers. I drove him around for five years after that. I worked two jobs while pregnant with our third child, while he worked one. I drove myself to the hospital when I was in labor with her as well.

 

He may have been the one earning the most money, but I was the one making sure everything was getting paid and figuring out how to rebuild our credit after the dui's destroyed it.

 

I am the one who had to pretend that everything was okay with the kids while I was dying inside. I am the one who had to make Christmas happen last year, right after finding out.

 

I am now the one trying to find a place to move to because we are losing the house we have now. Back in 2006 we put the down payment on this house, but it's in his sisters name because our credit was bad. When all this went down last year, I couldn't work. We have been trying to catch up but his sister is tired of us being late. We have to be out by spring.

[screwedovertwenty]

There's two groups when it comes to marriages touched by infidelity, each having considerable issues. Many, if not most who attempt recon struggle with the exact problems you've described, the other group wishes the betraying spouse would try. Clearly, cheating does its damage regardless.

 

I can say this; I wanted my ex to try, but she didn't. It was her plan to destroy the marriage and put a lot of effort into it. I only bring this up because if your husband is still there, he probably wants to be there.

 

Whether or not this is in your favor rests entirely on you, but it might be wise to ask yourself if you would have wanted him back if had he left? If you're honest, the answer is probably yes. None of us enjoy rejection, and since rejection is not something you've had to deal with, the depth of his actions jump to the forefront. Your feelings in my opinion, are justified.

 

It's impossible to love or be romantically attracted to a person you don't respect. This is especially true for women, who tend to think a little deeper. If your plan is to see it through, you and he must take the steps to restore respect first. Kidd is right; one year is not enough. Five, even ten years may pass before you don't think of it constantly. For some, it's a lifetime.

 

One last thought. I don't believe I will ever reach the point of being happy about my divorce, but it was the right thing to do and I've made the best of it. Still, she didn't want to be married to me. I had no choice. You do. That's a better position to be in, even if, ultimately, it isn't any easier. It's easy to love the loveable SoT. Love is tested by loving the unloveable. No one would blame you if your decision moved to minimize the risk.

 

Thank you for your response. You have given me a few things to think about.

[oldshirt]

"It's easier to give birth than resurrect the dead."

 

- Athol Kay

 

There are a lot of people and even entire self-help books and websites that advocate not even attempting reconciliation after infidelity (Athol Kay isn't necessarily one of them, but his quote is applicable)

 

The is some validity in not even trying to spend the time and energy towards R and instead put that time and energy towards moving on. Think of what you could have accomplished in the last year and where you could be now if you had just thrown in the towel an moved on.

 

But that's kind of beside the point I want to make. The point I want to make is your marriage was on the edge to begin with. You had already lost the loving feeling and would have been vulnerable to an affair yourself, your husband just happened to beat you to it. It could have just as easily been you having motel meetings.

 

You ask how you can recover your attraction for him. The attraction and respect was gone long before he ever hooked up with the OW. I really don't see how it can be recovered now.

 

I think the question you need to ask yourself is what would he have to do and what would he have to become to truly get past the hurts and resentments and sincerely get your motor running again?

 

Second question to ask yourself is can he even accomplish that in this lifetime?

[screwedovertwenty]

"It's easier to give birth than resurrect the dead."

 

- Athol Kay

 

There are a lot of people and even entire self-help books and websites that advocate not even attempting reconciliation after infidelity (Athol Kay isn't necessarily one of them, but his quote is applicable)

 

The is some validity in not even trying to spend the time and energy towards R and instead put that time and energy towards moving on. Think of what you could have accomplished in the last year and where you could be now if you had just thrown in the towel an moved on.

 

But that's kind of beside the point I want to make. The point I want to make is your marriage was on the edge to begin with. You had already lost the loving feeling and would have been vulnerable to an affair yourself, your husband just happened to beat you to it. It could have just as easily been you having motel meetings.

 

You ask how you can recover your attraction for him. The attraction and respect was gone long before he ever hooked up with the OW. I really don't see how it can be recovered now.

 

I think the question you need to ask yourself is what would he have to do and what would he have to become to truly get past the hurts and resentments and sincerely get your motor running again?

 

Second question to ask yourself is can he even accomplish that in this lifetime?

 

He did not beat me to it. I had several opportunities and I turned them down. In 2011, when my friend told me that I should "date", it was because I was getting hit on at work on a regular basis. He took the first offer he had.

 

I never lost attraction to my husband, only respect.

 

I wish I knew what he could do. I really do.

[tiredofitall2]

He did not beat me to it. I had several opportunities and I turned them down. In 2011, when my friend told me that I should "date", it was because I was getting hit on at work on a regular basis. He took the first offer he had.

 

I never lost attraction to my husband, only respect.

 

I wish I knew what he could do. I really do.

 

Good thing you didn't listen to your toxic friend. What bad advise........

[oldshirt]

He did not beat me to it. I had several opportunities and I turned them down. In 2011, when my friend told me that I should "date", it was because I was getting hit on at work on a regular basis. He took the first offer he had.

 

I never lost attraction to my husband, only respect.

 

I wish I knew what he could do. I really do.

 

Ok I know where you are coming from. Sure, you had more offers that you declined whereas he took the first one that came along. I get that, but that's just the difference between girls and boys. Women simply get a gazillion more offers than men and men are less likely to turn down a bird in the hand.

 

My point is you were already dissatisfied, already frustrated and people were already encouraging you to step out. My assertion is you just hadn't gotten the right offer yet. With the downward spiral of the marriage, in time you would have been just as tempted.

 

But it's not really fair to speculate what might have happened but didn't.

 

My point is the marriage was already on the edge before the affair. Why wasn't the affair the final nails in the coffin?

[Sub]

My point is you were already dissatisfied, already frustrated and people were already encouraging you to step out. My assertion is you just hadn't gotten the right offer yet. With the downward spiral of the marriage, in time you would have been just as tempted.

 

Very presumptuous. There are people capable of not "stepping out", even under tough circumstances. You say it's not fair to speculate, yet you spend a lot of words doing just that. The OP isn't the WS here.

[screwedovertwenty]

Ok I know where you are coming from. Sure, you had more offers that you declined whereas he took the first one that came along. I get that, but that's just the difference between girls and boys. Women simply get a gazillion more offers than men and men are less likely to turn down a bird in the hand.

 

My point is you were already dissatisfied, already frustrated and people were already encouraging you to step out. My assertion is you just hadn't gotten the right offer yet. With the downward spiral of the marriage, in time you would have been just as tempted.

 

But it's not really fair to speculate what might have happened but didn't.

 

My point is the marriage was already on the edge before the affair. Why wasn't the affair the final nails in the coffin?

 

Actually, if the right offer had come along, I would have ended my marriage. I thought about that. I was not going to be that example for my kids and I was not going to do that to him, even if he did treat me like I was nothing but a vagina for years.

 

It should have been the nail in the coffin. I didn't even think I loved him anymore. Why wasn't it? The kids. Our oldest is about to graduate this coming year and has worked extremely hard to get where she is. She is in Governor's school and has been taking college classes for three years. I could not let her world blow up when she had so much to loose. My son was a freshman in high school last year, when I found out. Through middle school he suffered from depression. He was cutting himself and was suicidal and we hospitalized him for a week at one time. His biggest complaint to his counselor was that his father didn't spend enough time with him. I couldn't let him know that even after all of that, his father decided to spend time with his new girlfriend instead of doing something with him. Our youngest is in middle school and is outgoing and smart and has all of the little boys attention. It terrifies me to think of how all of this could change her path in life.

 

I know doing it for the kids is the wrong reason, but how can I be happy if my kids are unhappy? I do love this man who never gave me a second thought until he had dragged me to the cliff and pushed me off. But it's not the same. I used to have a husband, who, even if he didn't act like it, loved me and would never do anything to purposefully hurt me. I don't have that anymore. I don't have a husband who would never hurt me. I have a husband who hurt me in the worst way possible. Yes, he is sorry. He is very sorry. We both wish it never happened.

[Spark1111]

Well, if you are anything like me, year two was almost the end of us.

 

The anger and resentment came up from my toes.

 

I, too was the over responsible, take no prisoners ruler of hearth, home, kids, while working three jobs.

 

No more. I finally got one, really good job and am now free to leave at anytime I may desire.

 

Also, I now focus on me, my needs, my happiness and my sanity.

 

With every step back on my part, he has stepped forward. All good.

 

I knew instinctively my steps to healing after DDAY and told him so; forgiveness for the affair, the daily lying to my face (much harder) and regaining respect (the hardest.)

 

I let him know, unequivocally, that IF he regained my trust, respect was my final frontier. Love and counseling would not be enough for us.

 

I could not stay with a man I did not respect.

 

Year two was my hardest year. It may be your hardest also.

 

discuss all of this with him. It's important to do so. Voice your resentments for having done so much rescuing. Allow him to voice his also.

 

And wait and watch if and how he steps up to the plate of responsibilities as you start to step away.

 

there is a special place in heaven for martyrs, but I was determined that in this life, I would no longer be seeking residence there.

 

for me, that was a FOO issue and I'm grateful a good IC helped me realize that some selfish, self-preservation was actually mentally healthy for some us us self-reliant overachievers.

[oldshirt]

Actually, if the right offer had come along, I would have ended my marriage.

 

And this is what I was getting at.

 

Both of you were ripe for an affair. I am assuming your "right" offer would have been a man that would have treated you with more consideration an would've helped you raise your children an manage your home, supported your carrier etc etc.

 

Your husbands "right" offer was someone who'd meet him in motels on the down low for some poon and not ask any more from him.

 

His offer just happened to come first.

 

Where I'm going with all of this is your marriage was on its last breath to begin with. You didn't love or have desire for him then and would've taken the right offer.

 

Your with him now for reasons of convenience and support. In other words you felt like he was using you for your vagina but now you are using him for his support and so you don't have to pack any of your children's stuff or deal with moving trucks and deposits on another place.

 

If he wrote in here saying his wife only wanted his support and a roof over head and no longer had any love or desire for him and he knew she would bolt at the drop of a hat if she got the right offer. What do you think we should tell him?

[ChooseTruth]

Personally after all I've heard, you need to get away from this man. He's not good for you in a lot of ways. There are people who will treat you so much better. How old are your kids?

[Fluttershy]

Personally after all I've heard, you need to get away from this man. He's not good for you in a lot of ways. There are people who will treat you so much better. How old are your kids?

 

I was going to say this myself but didn't want to discount his cheating. I am pro reconciliation if the right ingredients are there. But from what you have said he has been doing things for a long time to take away your respect for him. And it doesn't sound like he respects you. We only know your side and POV and some people will only read he cheated and focus on that. But from what you have said he hasn't really been much of a husband for years. There is nothing to salvage here. Even if you stay together until graduation is over I would start looking in to the 180. And impliment it. Don't engage in fighting or anything that will cause stress for your grad. Just get ready to leave. Do your kids know about the affair and how difficult things are? If they do i wouldn't worry about making them unhappy. If you have raised them right they will want your happiness.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

"It's easier to give birth than resurrect the dead."

 

- Athol Kay

This is funny - I know this is sort of a T/J - but I saw a "pastor" of a big nondenominational church say this in response to why they planted new churches verses trying to revive older churches. I thought it was very arrogant of him.

 

 

anyway - carry on

 

 

And it is true - it takes longer than a year. I think if people say they are okay after one year, they are not telling the truth. It honestly would take a miracle.

 

 

And respect is definitely key.

Edited December 19, 2013 by lilmisscantbewrong

[oldshirt]

 

It should have been the nail in the coffin. I didn't even think I loved him anymore. Why wasn't it? The kids.

 

 

I know doing it for the kids is the wrong reason, but how can I be happy if my kids are unhappy? I

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here's another question for you and you don't have to answer it for me/us, but you do hav to be completely honest to yourself.

 

If you divorced, would your husband completely walk away and abandon the kids or would he remain a supportive, active, involved parent?

 

Would you truly be a single-parent family or would the kids still have two loving, involved and dedicated parents, just two parents living in separate houses?

 

If the latter, would the kids truly be harmed by that??? Yes they will roll their eyes and be annoyed when they hav to shuffled off to another house at times. They're kids, they think the world revolves around them and they will bitch about the inconvenience and will act like the world will end but will they actually suffer or be harmed?

 

Is it really necessary for your kids survival, health and well being that you manipulate your husband into thinking that he may stand a chance of you wanting him and loving him someday in order to get him to support the kids and be involved in their lives???

 

Will he abandon them if you leave him?

[oldshirt]

 

The OP isn't the WS here.

 

Only by the technicality that another man's penis hadn't entered her vagina yet.

 

She had emotionally and sexually checked out of the relationship YEARS prior to his affair.

 

I concede I'm probably out of line and overly presumptuous here but I do see this situation as simply which one will fall first. He had an opportunity for some extra on the down low and fell first.

 

My point is the marriage was on the edge at the time of the affair in the first place.

 

She was checked out and ready to walk. He was walking and had decided not to R untill a sudden change of heart and begged for R. She capitulated and agreed to let him stay to help her raise the kids but has remained checked out emotionally and sexually and has no desire or respect for him.

[screwedovertwenty]

Only by the technicality that another man's penis hadn't entered her vagina yet.

 

She had emotionally and sexually checked out of the relationship YEARS prior to his affair.

 

I concede I'm probably out of line and overly presumptuous here but I do see this situation as simply which one will fall first. He had an opportunity for some extra on the down low and fell first.

 

My point is the marriage was on the edge at the time of the affair in the first place.

 

She was checked out and ready to walk. He was walking and had decided not to R untill a sudden change of heart and begged for R. She capitulated and agreed to let him stay to help her raise the kids but has remained checked out emotionally and sexually and has no desire or respect for him.

 

 

Haha! Where did you come up with that? First of all, he checked out of the marriage emotionally in 2006. From that year on, he had nothing to say unless he was asking me to talk dirty to him, or asking about a bill or something that needs to be done with the house or cars. I didn't check out sexually until 2009. In 2011, I decided to work on trying to make things better and he decided to **** a little girl. He didn't want out of the marriage. He has told me that a million times. He just wanted a piece of ass on the side since I wasn't giving it to him every time he whipped it out. He thought I was doing a fine job raising the kids and taking care of the house.

 

As far as remaining checked out emotionally and sexually, you could not be more far off. This has been the most emotional year of my life and I have shared every bit of that with him. He knows exactly how I feel and why I feel that way. We are closer now than we have been in a very long long time.

 

If you want to believe that I was going to jump on the first mans penis that offered me a better life, you could not be more far off. If I ever developed feelings for another man, I would have told my husband before anything ever happened. Some people know how to do things the right way.

 

As far as your question about how would my kids lives be if we had two houses. Well, it would suck. They almost never see their dad now because he works so much. We cannot financially make two houses work right now. We couldn't even afford to rent a room for him.

 

I feel stuck. He knows that. He told me he is going to make me glad I stayed. I hope he does.