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Did I cheat or not? Alcohol blackout....


Ali876

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About 1.5 years ago my fiancé went to visit his mum in Paris. One of my childhood friends that I have known for 22 years was suicidal during that time. So I wanted to reach out and help him - I invited him over and had a few drinks with him. But we then started drinking a lot! To the point that I forgot the whole night after a point. I have a total blackout of the night.

 

Well 1.5 years later I am getting an intuitive sense that perhaps we slept together. On the next day I woke up, the tv was laying on the ground, the door was wide open and I was extremely hung over (although completely dressed in my clothes and coat). I am remembering different flash backs, but since I get quite provocative dreams I totally don't know what happened. My friend also doesn't recall the night.

 

I may add that I am a loyal, monogamous woman in my everyday life, I love my fiancé with my whole heart and I would rather die than cheat on him. I am disgusted with myself, even thinking that I could have cheated is really making me sick. I have been thinking about whether it is right to tell my fiancé about this? It would destroy him as I have always been very innocent (he is the only person I have slept with) . I am torn, should I tell him or not? How do I make it up to him? How can I ever forgive myself?

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experiencethedevine
About 1.5 years ago my fiancé went to visit his mum in Paris. One of my childhood friends that I have known for 22 years was suicidal during that time. So I wanted to reach out and help him - I invited him over and had a few drinks with him. But we then started drinking a lot! To the point that I forgot the whole night after a point. I have a total blackout of the night.

 

Well 1.5 years later I am getting an intuitive sense that perhaps we slept together. On the next day I woke up, the tv was laying on the ground, the door was wide open and I was extremely hung over (although completely dressed in my clothes and coat). I am remembering different flash backs, but since I get quite provocative dreams I totally don't know what happened. My friend also doesn't recall the night.

 

I may add that I am a loyal, monogamous woman in my everyday life, I love my fiancé with my whole heart and I would rather die than cheat on him. I am disgusted with myself, even thinking that I could have cheated is really making me sick. I have been thinking about whether it is right to tell my fiancé about this? It would destroy him as I have always been very innocent (he is the only person I have slept with) . I am torn, should I tell him or not? How do I make it up to him? How can I ever forgive myself?

 

 

You are torturing yourself unnecessarily. Neither of you remembers any wrongdoing, only a considerable amount of alcohol consumption, so I wouldn't be thinking at all about the 'did I do anything' unless there is real evidence that you did.

 

 

The other side of the coin is of course that you feel more for this friend than you consciously admit too, and while there was no acting on this feeling, you feel you may have been tempted.

 

 

Either way, it seems that nothing actually happened, so you have nothing to 'make up' for.

 

 

I think the issue is what you feel for your friend in reality, that needs addressing.

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IMO, since no definitive evidence of 'cheating' exists, and if you haven't engaged in any 'cheating' behaviors with others since, I'd leave this incident in the past, learn from it and move on. The primary lesson is to abstain from or control your alcohol intake.

 

Is this childhood friend expected to be a part of your marital life?

 

Welcome to LS :)

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If that's all you have to go on, I would conclude that you simply got drunk & passed out. Go with you didn't cheat & move forward.

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whatatangledweb

If you were that drunk and had sex you would not have put your clothes back on. I would say you didn't cheat since you were dressed. No need to tell your fiance or beat yourself up.

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I am someone that normally encourages a radical approach to honesty but even I would caution you about bringing this up to your fiance. If you say to him that you think you might have cheated on him, he's going to believe that you did. I wouldn't say it until you're sure because you're exactly right about how devastating it is. And I'm also skeptical about you having had blackout sex considering you you awoke fully clothed. An overturned TV is not convincing.

 

That said, I also think a previous poster was wise to have you question whether an ongoing relationship with your friend is still appropriate.

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Do you smoke? If so, do you smoke inside or outside? IF for some reason you went outside for something that could explain why you got full clothed again to do something. With the TV knocked over sounds like things could have escalated quickly into this aggressive make out session which led to the tv getting knocked down. Just saying. I think what is important is to clarify your feelings for your friends. It sounds like you've got some sort of feelings you're trying to suppress for him but may only come out later and harm the marriage you're about to enter with your future husband. Whatever it is I'd take care of it now.

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whiterabbit46

Relax, Ali. From the information you've provided, it's pretty clear that absolutely nothing untoward happened. Drunks who "do the deed" don't have the presence of mind to get all their clothes back on. Now, if you had found yourself naked on a bed (or the floor) with your clothes scattered around the room, then maybe......Don't borrow trouble. If you talk to your SO about this, you'll just be putting ideas in his head that have no basis in reality. YOU DIDN'T CHEAT!!!!!! Don't beat yourself up over it. Just keep treasuring and loving him like you always have. I hope you two have a very long and happy life together.

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If you'd had sex with him while blackout drunk, I highly doubt you'd have woken up fully clothed. I think you're torturing yourself unnecessarily.

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Another issue in the 'evidence' area: People who engage in sex while inebriated to the extent of 'blacking out', if that sex includes intercourse (yep, some guys can perform while inebriated), rarely have the presence of mind to use a condom and, hence, 'evidence' would have been left at the scene of the incident. Having had unprotected intercourse for many years with my exW, there is a feel and a fragrance to the aftermath of that kind of sex which any woman I've known recognizes.

 

That said, 'cheating' can include any behavior which is disrespectful to one's primary relationship. I can provide examples of MW's under the influence doing things (or attempting to) which would have curled their H's hair that had nothing to do with intercourse. Interesting world out there.

 

If all that remains is 'dreams' and a 'feeling' that cheating occurred, perhaps it's healthy to examine what exactly the dynamic is with that childhood friend, especially if any contact with them in the future will occur. Other than that, move on.

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IMO, since no definitive evidence of 'cheating' exists, and if you haven't engaged in any 'cheating' behaviors with others since, I'd leave this incident in the past, learn from it and move on. The primary lesson is to abstain from or control your alcohol intake.

 

Is this childhood friend expected to be a part of your marital life?

 

Welcome to LS :)

 

Thank you, he won't actually be in it much. We grew apart once before I started dating my fiancé 4 years ago. He has some serious mental issues at the moment and has completely isolated himself away from friends/family. On that day he actually answered my SMS and I invited him over to spend some time with him. I think I find it hard to see people I once cared about, suffer. I think for now I will avoid this friend, especially one to one encounters because he is quite unstable. Particularly after this event.

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If you were that drunk and had sex you would not have put your clothes back on. I would say you didn't cheat since you were dressed. No need to tell your fiance or beat yourself up.

 

I just thought that potentially he could have dressed me? I don't know, perhaps he knew that what we did was wrong and wanted to make sure that I had no memory or clues. Perhaps I'm thinking into it too much, it is spinning my mind into meltdown...

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Another issue in the 'evidence' area: People who engage in sex while inebriated to the extent of 'blacking out', if that sex includes intercourse (yep, some guys can perform while inebriated), rarely have the presence of mind to use a condom and, hence, 'evidence' would have been left at the scene of the incident. Having had unprotected intercourse for many years with my exW, there is a feel and a fragrance to the aftermath of that kind of sex which any woman I've known recognizes.

 

That said, 'cheating' can include any behavior which is disrespectful to one's primary relationship. I can provide examples of MW's under the influence doing things (or attempting to) which would have curled their H's hair that had nothing to do with intercourse. Interesting world out there.

 

If all that remains is 'dreams' and a 'feeling' that cheating occurred, perhaps it's healthy to examine what exactly the dynamic is with that childhood friend, especially if any contact with them in the future will occur. Other than that, move on.

 

 

Yes, I am going to avoid him now because he is really unstable and is trouble. I didn't look for clues as upon waking I think I was sick for almost all day, I didn't even consider that option - it is only now that potential "flashbacks" are troubling me. They could be dreams, who knows ? It was 1.5 yrs ago, I find it disturbing that I'm thinking of this now!

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Thank you guys, I think I will let it go (may take a long time) and just avoid alcohol altogether. I was fully clothed and I do remember my friend carrying me to bed - I just completely do not remember anything past that. I have had feelings for this person in the past, as a teen (26 now), but they are gone now. It was just a crush.

 

I was just concerned that he may have dressed me or something... But I will just try to assume the best. It has taught me a lot, firstly I need to avoid alcohol, secondly I am so grateful for my partner - I think I focus even more each day about what he means to me after doing /not doing this idiotic action and finally I am trying to learn self compassion and forgiving myself. So although it hurts keeping this in, I think I would hurt my partner much more.

 

I appreciate all of your help and time :)

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If the roles were reversed wouldn't you want your fiance to tell you?

The fact that you were engaged and invited another man to your place and got so drunk together that you didn't remember what happened in the morning when you both woke up is pretty sad and so very disrespectful to your fiance.

 

If the roles were reversed how would you feel about this? I would argue that since you were engaged and continued to be engaged to your fiance he most certainly has a right to hear what happened when he was out of town. It is the decent thing to do.

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About 1.5 years ago my fiancé went to visit his mum in Paris. One of my childhood friends that I have known for 22 years was suicidal during that time. So I wanted to reach out and help him - I invited him over and had a few drinks with him. But we then started drinking a lot! To the point that I forgot the whole night after a point. I have a total blackout of the night.

 

Well 1.5 years later I am getting an intuitive sense that perhaps we slept together. On the next day I woke up, the tv was laying on the ground, the door was wide open and I was extremely hung over (although completely dressed in my clothes and coat). I am remembering different flash backs, but since I get quite provocative dreams I totally don't know what happened. My friend also doesn't recall the night.

 

 

Hmmm, i don't think we have all the data, why 1.5 years... why now?

i love all the Sherlock Holmes, truth is we cannot say either way.

 

This "intuitive" sense is a cause for concern, you first instincts are usually... usually correct. I think you know more than you are letting on. A knocked over TV and open door... hmmm you mixed alcohol with a suicidal guy... wow was he on meds? This could have spawned any number variable of behaviors.

Was he there in the morning when you woke?

How did you feel the next day?

It is interesting you stated he might of dressed you.

Either way, if what you wrote is truly all you know... it is not enough to say you cheated, but it was not appropriate behavior.

As for feeling guilt, i disagree with others in "letting things go" huh???? That is how we learn to be better, from our mistakes. Don't rug sweep it, but it also does not need to consume 100% of your time.

It also appears as others stated that you have some connection or feelings with this other guy.

 

That said, you came here because you are genuine in your concern but have enormous guilt perhaps as to what you want to admit to.... perhaps.

If you truly have nothing else to go on, there is no reason to say you cheated. As the last poster stated though, if the roles were reversed, what would you like your fiance to do?

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Have you ever drank so much and blacked out or was that the only time? IF this has happened before, going out with friends and just having a good time, but not remembering much the next day, that's a sign for you not to drink anymore at all. Some people just can't handle alcohol and it's also a good way to avoid something in the future....

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whiterabbit46

That's a very good point. Maybe for your own sense of well-being and to make absolutely sure this sort of thing never happens again, you should just leave the sauce alone. Be good to your liver as well as your relationship with your sweetie.

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If the roles were reversed wouldn't you want your fiance to tell you?

The fact that you were engaged and invited another man to your place and got so drunk together that you didn't remember what happened in the morning when you both woke up is pretty sad and so very disrespectful to your fiance.

 

If the roles were reversed how would you feel about this? I would argue that since you were engaged and continued to be engaged to your fiance he most certainly has a right to hear what happened when he was out of town. It is the decent thing to do.

 

Yes thank you. I am quite aware that my actions were stupid. If I could I would reverse what I did. I would actually prefer my partner not to tell me as I know I would not be able to let it go. Plus if my partner had absolutely no recollection of the event, I would rather that he used it as a learning lesson and improve himself in the relationship, rather then torture me with it too. Isn't it more selfish trying to clear your conscience, based on telling your partner about a really stupid mistake you have done (and begging for forgiveness), rather than taking a step to ensuring it never happens again and improving as a person and strengthening the relationship? I am choosing the latter, as I think that my problem is an alcohol problem, not a cheating problem. I don't want to hurt him by telling him a story that may/may not be true.

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Oberfeldwebel

No one will know the answer to this question, so I would assume nothing happened, since you woke up fully dressed. Drunks have a hard enough getting cloths off a woman without help, let alone redressing them to cover there tracks. Additionally, if you think this is someone who would take advantage of you after you passed out, then you need to let this person go. You can send them a Christmas Card or birthday and that kind of needs to be the limit. As you have stated, he has serious problems, you are not qualified to help him professionally. He is someone from your past, move on to a new chapter of your life with your husband (to be) and leave him in the past.

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Sorry Ali but you are in damage control and you do not wish to suffer any consequences for your actions. In addition, your husband should be aware of your severe drinking problem. Your relations is being built on a foundation of deception and dishonesty rather than honesty and respect.

 

You are trying to rationalize in every way not to tell you husband to be what you did. Not only are you deceiving your husband but you are deceiving yourself that all you are trying to do is to protect him. I am sorry but it does not wash and you know it. You continue to show disrespect to your husband to be.

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Are you sure you don't remember anything or just choosing to not remember? I've been known to drink heavily at times and forget bits and pieces of a night, but I don't think I've ever completely forgot an entire night. And I've been quite intoxicated on a number of occasions. Just sayin.....

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I think your first order of business is to drop the crap and be honest to yourself about what happened. Where there's smoke, there's fire and your mind is blowing smoke up your butt about this whole thing. This "logic" that you must not have had sex if you where dressed is nonsense. It could be true, but the guy could have just as easily re-dressed you before you woke up. Or you could have just gotten dressed yourself in your drunken stupor. After all, you don't remember anything - right? Let me assure you of one thing: HE REMEMBERS! The fact that he's lying about that makes the likelihood of you having sex pretty high.

 

I don't believe in drunken "black-outs". Saying you don't remember is a convenient excuse for people to get away with naughty behavior. He may have dropped a roofie or other drug into your drink causing your memory loss but I guess you'll never know. Whether to tell your fiance about this is your call and I would come down on the side of keeping it to yourself - unless you think getting drunk and "sleeping" with another guy is still a possibility. If that's the case then deep down you don't really want to marry this guy right now so just be honest and end it with him.

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I think inviting another guy over and drinking heavily alone with him is inviting disaster and honestly wouldn't want to be with someone who would do that.

 

To me it doesn't really matter what happened while you were "blacked out", there's so much risk. It's a betrayal already.

 

I would take the lesson that this kind of thing should never happen again. You should tell your H honestly too to reconnect with him.

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