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How long did it take to move on and be happy?


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For those of you who have been cheated on/lied to and you chose not to reconcile...

 

How long did it take to move on and be happy?

 

I realize there are stages of grief and it's different for everyone but I'm just curious as to when you all finally moved into the acceptance and happiness stage.

 

I wish there were some magical ball I could look into and tell when I might be able to expect this roller coaster of emotions to stop.

 

I was shocked and indifferent... then I was embarrassed and ashamed...then I was angry and well... pissed....now I find myself fluctuating between feeling sad/lonely and indifferent again. It's only been 2 months since DDay and 1 month since he moved out.

 

Half of me thinks I'd be able to get through this a whole lot easier if I had someone else to keep me occupied... I do have friends and family, but these late nights are the worst.

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tiredofitall2
For those of you who have been cheated on/lied to and you chose not to reconcile...

 

How long did it take to move on and be happy?

 

I realize there are stages of grief and it's different for everyone but I'm just curious as to when you all finally moved into the acceptance and happiness stage.

 

I wish there were some magical ball I could look into and tell when I might be able to expect this roller coaster of emotions to stop.

 

I was shocked and indifferent... then I was embarrassed and ashamed...then I was angry and well... pissed....now I find myself fluctuating between feeling sad/lonely and indifferent again. It's only been 2 months since DDay and 1 month since he moved out.

 

Half of me thinks I'd be able to get through this a whole lot easier if I had someone else to keep me occupied... I do have friends and family, but these late nights are the worst.

 

It typically takes about a year. But having someone would help, unfortunately it does mean that person would be a rebound and that is not fair to them. Well, unless they're are OK with a light R without any commitment.

 

I have done the rebound thing in the past and those last about 6 months. I was lucky that the girl was OK with that. She was older than me and saw it as a friendship with benefits, if that makes any sense. lol

 

Most people will tell you to stay put and be by yourself until you heal and I would agree that that is the soundest way to approach it, but you will feel lonely and miserable for a while before you feel better. So it will most certainly delay your recovery and you "moving on" somewhat. So, my opinion is. There is nothing wrong with dating as long as you're are open and clear that you are not ready for a serious R at the moment.

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Yeah, I agree with you about the rebound issue.

 

I do happen to have someone who might be interested in a no commitment type of relationship but I think I'm less interested in that than he is. It's kind of funny how it worked out really and part of me would like to go ahead and pursue this idea, but yet I'm not really the kind of person to deal well with emotionless yet sexual relationships. In other words, I'm not keen on the whole "friends with benefits" ordeal.

 

I keep telling myself that I need to stay single for awhile but the truth is, I kind of feel like I've already been single for the last 2 years. He wasn't around much and when he was we were more like roommates/friends most of the time. We were not intimate very often for a good portion of that time... until the few months before dday. Now that I know he dumped his AP during that time I know why he was more affectionate. But still... we weren't really single during that time. I was still believing that we were together. So I guess I just blew my own theory out the window.

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It's weird, because with my previous, previous ex I kind of skipped the grieving part and jumped right into a new relationship. I had already made up my mind I would leave him, but I didn't know when because I was pretty much still attached to him and didn't know where to start. Well, after that I met my last ex and fell in love with him and that was pretty much the end of the relationship so I would say all together it had taken me about 2 months in total to move on and be happy.

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For those of you who have been cheated on/lied to and you chose not to reconcile...

 

How long did it take to move on and be happy?

 

I realize there are stages of grief and it's different for everyone but I'm just curious as to when you all finally moved into the acceptance and happiness stage.

 

I wish there were some magical ball I could look into and tell when I might be able to expect this roller coaster of emotions to stop.

 

I was shocked and indifferent... then I was embarrassed and ashamed...then I was angry and well... pissed....now I find myself fluctuating between feeling sad/lonely and indifferent again. It's only been 2 months since DDay and 1 month since he moved out.

 

Half of me thinks I'd be able to get through this a whole lot easier if I had someone else to keep me occupied... I do have friends and family, but these late nights are the worst.

 

Raena...many many years ago I found out my long term bf, my first love, had been cheating. And not just one ow but several. He was a serial cheater.

 

When I found out I was 3 months pregnant. I found out because he gave me an std, so I went into detective mode and called people from his phone book and discovered just how devious his sorry ass was. I was 16, he was 21.

 

I was devastated but also pissed. I left him. I think the std really did it for me. I was done. But it still took some months to come to terms with the fact that he had played me all along and he was not the man i thought he was.

 

Focus on his donkey behavior. He is an idiot, and not the person you thought he was. It is ok to mourn the loss of the man you thought he was, but be thankful that you do not have to waste anymore years with him.

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Dday was just before Halloween in 2011. We finalized the divorce almost exactly 2 years later. We've been separated for about 1.5 years (6 months of attempted R)

 

I'm not really ok yet. I think being in a new relationship might help, my self esteem is pretty f-ed up right now. Technically my mother lives with me now since she retired and moved from Texas to help with my daughter...but I don't think women like that too much. Also, I'm not sure I have the kind of time to invest in a relationship. I dunno...I guess I'd make time if I found the right person :)

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From my first marriage/dDay/Divorce.....to peace?

 

About 1.5 years. Way too long and I am embarrassed about it now, as I could have been dating after a few months. Such a waste

 

I remember the exact moment, and what/why my brain was free from the fog - literally just switched back on. It was very strange.

 

My late father and my nice therapist helped hold me up during those 1.5 years, but my brain just needed to restart from years of unhealthy marriage.

Edited by dichotomy
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painfullyobvious

It depends on what you mean by happy? Are you asking how long it took me to address the affair or being happy in the relationship? I was unable to reconcile the relationship after D-Day after many months of trying to move on, communicate and asking her to remain faithful and not cheat. I was miserable during that time. When I finally started focusing on myself by moving out, separating from the relationship and going no contact it was a good year to slowly letting go. Almost another year later I felt comfortable enough to date and resume content with what happened.

 

 

There are a couple of components to moving on. You have the grief of betrayal from your partner, breach of trust that is lost and can NEVER be recovered, the loss of relationship and sometimes other factors like friends getting mixed up in the affair. If you are the BS you are grieving at least two major events on D-Day. It is the hardest thing I have ever experienced. The only thing that really helped effectively was time. Each person is different in forgiveness, grudges and coping so there is no set time frame only estimates. You will know you are ready and healing when you begin to think about the relationship less, the affair less and are crying hurting less. I knew I was healing when I felt I no longer had to actively keep myself busy for my own sanity

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Thank you all so far, for sharing your stories.

 

It helps to hear what others have gone through and made it through to the other side.

 

As far as happiness? I'm not sure... how do we define happiness? I guess I mean when did you get to that place where seeing your ex with someone else didn't bother you and you felt good about where you were at with your own life?

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TheBladeRunner

About a year to reach almost complete indifference.....I say almost because I still have small bouts of anger occasionally. OP: it varies from person to person and according to the situation; I will say the first wife cheating took me 3 years to get over. I wasn't about to let the last WW drag me down that long, and I have my daughter to think of as well.

 

She just updated her Facebook page with a new profile photo of her and the new BF, I stared at it for 5 minutes trying to feel something but I could not. We all get there, it's just a matter of how much time.

Edited by TheBladeRunner
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experiencethedevine
For those of you who have been cheated on/lied to and you chose not to reconcile...

 

How long did it take to move on and be happy?

 

I realize there are stages of grief and it's different for everyone but I'm just curious as to when you all finally moved into the acceptance and happiness stage.

 

I wish there were some magical ball I could look into and tell when I might be able to expect this roller coaster of emotions to stop.

 

I was shocked and indifferent... then I was embarrassed and ashamed...then I was angry and well... pissed....now I find myself fluctuating between feeling sad/lonely and indifferent again. It's only been 2 months since DDay and 1 month since he moved out.

 

Half of me thinks I'd be able to get through this a whole lot easier if I had someone else to keep me occupied... I do have friends and family, but these late nights are the worst.

 

 

Oh my dear, if there were such a thing as a pill to take so that you'd wake up in the morning feeling human again, I would send it to you now. It is such a rotten time.

 

 

It may be of some comfort to know that you are going through a 'normal' traumatic event in that it is a process, and one cannot simply navigate around it unfortunately, rather we must go through it in all its terrible stages to come out of it on the other side healthier in mind and spirit. Does that make sense?

 

 

You are grieving the loss of something you thought you had which turned out to be something else. Your faith in your marriage and what it meant have been annihilated and you have suffered an enormous shock. Coupled with that the business of having the whole sordid drama relayed to you by someone who cares not one jot how much you have been hurt and it is no wonder that it takes its toll on you mind body and soul!

 

 

Know that whatever happens, you will survive it, and become wiser after the event. You can take pride in the fact that you will never be treated so appallingly again.

 

 

The lonliness of weekends and holidays and all those times when it seems everyone else appears to be wrapped up in their own little worlds/families/partners, will pass, they really will. Give yourself the time to 'feel' each of the stages as you go through them so that you come to a place of understanding that offers you a shrewdness beyond what you might have thought yourself capable of.

 

 

Thinking of you, chin up .................................

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Yeah, I agree with you about the rebound issue.

 

I do happen to have someone who might be interested in a no commitment type of relationship but I think I'm less interested in that than he is. It's kind of funny how it worked out really and part of me would like to go ahead and pursue this idea, but yet I'm not really the kind of person to deal well with emotionless yet sexual relationships. In other words, I'm not keen on the whole "friends with benefits" ordeal.

.

 

Well its nice to be asked - yes? Sometimes BS deal with self esteem issues, and its nice to be wanted. I think its always good to be true to who you are under difficult circumstances, which sounds like you are.

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Thank you all so far, for sharing your stories.

 

It helps to hear what others have gone through and made it through to the other side.

 

As far as happiness? I'm not sure... how do we define happiness? I guess I mean when did you get to that place where seeing your ex with someone else didn't bother you and you felt good about where you were at with your own life?

 

Yes - indifference was peace to me, the absence of sadness and that I suddenly gained hope for the future. I was so depressed and low on esteem and hope those 1.5 years. Happiness - meh... hard thing to chase and want on a full time basis.... I will take peace of mind any time.

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Well its nice to be asked - yes? Sometimes BS deal with self esteem issues, and its nice to be wanted. I think its always good to be true to who you are under difficult circumstances, which sounds like you are.

 

Yes, it is certainly nice to be asked. It did make me feel good in a strange sort of way.

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Yes - indifference was peace to me, the absence of sadness and that I suddenly gained hope for the future. I was so depressed and low on esteem and hope those 1.5 years. Happiness - meh... hard thing to chase and want on a full time basis.... I will take peace of mind any time.

 

See now... what you said makes sense. Peace of mind... indifference... hope for the future. I guess in a way that is your definition of happiness? I mean we aren't all happy ALL the time. Even without dramatic painful situations like this we all go through ups and downs. They just aren't a high and low as they are when you go through something traumatic.

 

Yeah, I'll take that... peace of mind and stress free would be ideal right now.

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Well, it seems I might be turning a corner on this whole situation. Only a week after I started this thread but something in me just clicked.

 

I went out last night with some friends, had a great time and didn't think about him or this situation not even once. It was great! On top of that, I'm continuing to chat with this other guy who had at one time expressed interest in something with me years ago. For now it's just text messages, but it feels good to flirt and actually get a response!

 

Even better... ex told me today that he's going away this evening on a "road trip" and I didn't even bat an eye. All I said was... "ok, have fun, use protection, talk to ya next time" haha. It actually pissed him off but that wasn't really my intention. I was more or less saying... hey, good, glad you are having a good time, not sure why you feel the need to tell me about it but ok, since you did... have fun!

 

I'm feeling happier... not necessarily completely healed, but happier. It's a start no?

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It isn't my intention to hurt this other man. I actually really like him but there is a back story there. I've known him for a long time. This isn't some random person I just met.

 

I'm not worrying about all that for now. For now we are just texting. I'm taking my time, no reason to jump into anything right away.

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With my first M it took a couple of years. I did start dating after I gave birth to our daughter. I snapped back into shape within a few weeks and meeting new people made a difference. This was when my ExH would get into jealous rages? at that point I didn't care because I knew there was no going back.

 

The best decision I ever made.

 

Keep your friends close and going out every now and then with them helps.

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I think this varies from person to person and you can't really say how long it will take. People and situations are all different and there isn't any "right" or "wrong" about it.

 

It took me a long time because I made the mistake of starting dating too soon and when the next relationship failed (no-one else involved) I had to deal with the double whammy of the loss of that, plus unresolved issues from the marriage breakup.

 

Moving out of the marital home was my first step in healing and I spent a year in counselling. This was very helpful in sorting out a lot of buried stuff from my childhood. I would say it was about 3 years before I no long cried when I thought about the loss of my mariage.

 

Everyone has to make this awful journey by themselves, but it does get better over time.

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