Wife seeking an unexpected fling

[joe12321]

To start, my relationship with the wife is not a terrible one, just no intimacy to speak of. She's never been interested in sex (always blaming the pill) for the past 10 years, goes to bed early, etc but we have a decent relationship. As a consequence, I've kind of lost interest myself over the years. Anyway, last weekend, my wife went out of town on a business trip. While she was gone, i was using the computer and noticed craigslist in the history items. I checked it and it was the personals section of craigslist from a few days prior for the city she was traveling to that weekend. I was thinking.."great..she's going to have an affair...on craigslist no less". But then i looked a bit closer, it was women looking for other women personals. I started thinking that everything in our married life made sense all of a sudden. No sex life/intimacy, but puts on a great lovey dovey front for family/friends. So, I'm new here but i thought i'd reach out to get some opinions. What do you think? Should i confront her? Should i let it play out for a while?

[crederer]

What difference does it make if she's trying to cheat with a man or a woman? It's the same thing.

[Bryanp]

I agree with the previous poster. Cheating is cheating. She is totally disrespectful to you and your marriage. I have a hunch based on what you have written that this is probably not her first rodeo. If the roles were reversed and you were trying to hook up with someone on Craig's list I doubt that she would be asking if she should confront you. It seems obvious that she has little respect for you.

If you do not respect yourself then who will?

[bubbaganoosh]

I've checked out Craig's list personals and from what I saw, my advice to you is when she gets back have her get tested for STD's and you too. Man they have some serious scrufty people on that site.

 

But to your question. You bet you should question her and now you know the reason why your sex life is the pits. I would hire an attorney and unload the woman. She's playing you big time and you deserve better than that.

[Chi townD]

DId you have any idea that your wife was bi-sexual before?

[Spectre]

First of all eww that she would be seeking this stuff on Craigslist, that is taking a huge risk. Just the other day I was reading about someone who was killed when they answered a Craigslist ad.

 

Second, you say your marriage isn't terrible, but I find that intimacy is a very important part of any serious relationship..so how can your marriage not be bad if it is completely lacking in this key component? It's not just about the sex and physical pleasure, it is also about how connected you can feel after the sex is over, etc. So for me it is weird you just seemed to swipe that part aside like it wasn't that important.

 

At first I might think she is bi sexual, but since you have zero intimacy it sounds like that isn't the case. Also you say she blames the lack of sex on the pill, but I'm confused since isn't the reason she is taking the pill is so she can have sex with you without getting pregnant? I know some women also use it to help with their periods or something along those lines, but still that is weird. Something is wrong when a contraceptive makes you not want sex.

 

Anyways, she is cheating on you so there is definitely a huge lack of respect. I don't think it matters that it isn't with a guy, I think in some ways that is worse because the ENTIRE relationship has been a lie.

 

I feel for you, this woman sucked away a decade of your life with a lie. You should confront her with what you know and look into a divorce. From what you said about her putting on a show in front of family and friends it sounds like you are basically her beard.

Edited December 12, 2013 by Spectre

[joe12321]

First of all eww that she would be seeking this stuff on Craigslist, that is taking a huge risk. Just the other day I was reading about someone who was killed when they answered a Craigslist ad.

 

Second, you say your marriage isn't terrible, but I find that intimacy is a very important part of any serious relationship..so how can your marriage not be bad if it is completely lacking in this key component? It's not just about the sex and physical pleasure, it is also about how connected you can feel after the sex is over, etc. So for me it is weird you just seemed to swipe that part aside like it wasn't that important.

 

At first I might think she is bi sexual, but since you have zero intimacy it sounds like that isn't the case. Also you say she blames the lack of sex on the pill, but I'm confused since isn't the reason she is taking the pill is so she can have sex with you without getting pregnant? I know some women also use it to help with their periods or something along those lines, but still that is weird. Something is wrong when a contraceptive makes you not want sex.

 

Anyways, she is cheating on you so there is definitely a huge lack of respect. I don't think it matters that it isn't with a guy, I think in some ways that is worse because the ENTIRE relationship has been a lie.

 

I feel for you, this woman sucked away a decade of your life with a lie. You should confront her with what you know and look into a divorce. From what you said about her putting on a show in front of family and friends it sounds like you are basically her beard.

 

She uses the pill for her own reasons of course. She has sucked away a decade of my life to be sure. People just don't wake up one day and decide they want to have a homosexual affair so i doubt this is something that she just thought of. But i have two beautiful children that are my world and the main problem is that i can't just discard the woman who is their mother despite all of this. One thing that we don't do is communicate. Both of our families are very traditional....homosexuality does not happen in this family so i think that i basically have been playing the part for all these years and now she's finally decided that she's done and to be honest with who she is. I just worry about my kids. I'm sure there are many out there who feel the same going through a separation. I guess i'd like to hear from them how their 5 and 7 year old have taken the news that Daddy will only see them every other day instead of taking them to school everyday or going to soccer practices.

[joe12321]

Are you sure that she'd tell you the truth or simply deny it all saying that it was all a conspiracy direct toward her?

 

I took pictures of the emails so i have proof.

[joe12321]

DId you have any idea that your wife was bi-sexual before?

 

I had always suspected it. I am very fit and i work out extensively. Her excuses have always changed from the pill being a deterrent to me being overweight. I decided to try to remove all excuses. I'm 40 so my next and final step is to get snipped. i don't plan on having any more kids anyway. I kind of stumbled on this affair thing so i guess i'll put that off for a bit.

[tiredofitall2]

You need to confront her about this. If there have been actual affairs with random women when she travels I would out her with her family as well. You don't want to be seen as the bad person as she will probably deny all accusations. You should gather all the evidence prior.

 

Go to counseling with her if she wishes to save the marriage, but it sounds as if she is using you as a front to enable her double life.

 

Not a way I would want to live. I don't know about you though. Your children will be hurt, of course. But it is not your fault or something you ca control. She has made the decision to cheat, not you. She's the one living a lie, not you. If you're 40 you still can find a woman that can love you and make love to you.

[beach]

I had always suspected it. I am very fit and i work out extensively. Her excuses have always changed from the pill being a deterrent to me being overweight. I decided to try to remove all excuses. I'm 40 so my next and final step is to get snipped. i don't plan on having any more kids anyway. I kind of stumbled on this affair thing so i guess i'll put that off for a bit.

 

Why would you put off having a conversation with her about her truth - what's really going on in your marriage?

[joe12321]

Why would you put off having a conversation with her about her truth - what's really going on in your marriage?

 

That's a good question actually.

[beach]

That's a good question actually.

 

Care to answer it?

[EasternStandard]

Was she looking to cheat? Craigslist is basically a waste of time. Most ads on there are fake. She might of just been looking to fantasize. Is she looking for other things in her sex life? Threesomes, swapping? If so, are you looking for that as well?

[oldshirt]

Was she looking to cheat? Craigslist is basically a waste of time. Most ads on there are fake. She might of just been looking to fantasize. Is she looking for other things in her sex life? Threesomes, swapping? If so, are you looking for that as well?

 

 

 

Craigslist is a waste of time for gross men that live in their mom's basement who think they can post a close up picture of their penis and some gal will just come over in the middle of the night and screw them.

 

 

For women seeking to get some action away from their husbands it's highly, highly affective.

[oldshirt]

Hate to say Joe but this is a real bad sign. ....like a car bursting into flames after it has driven off a cliff and smashed on the bottom is a bad sign.

 

 

Posting hook-up ads on Craigs list is not a first tentative step. It is a very late sign of a very chronic and progressive ongoing process. This has been going on a long long time. Probably many many years.

 

 

What I think is real key here is that you have had a decade of substandard sex. It would be one thing if she was some kind of nympho that was wearing you out daily and her stratospheric libido was driving her to make ends meet by getting a little some'm-some'm on the side, but that is not the case here.

 

 

You have gone many years thinking she didn't have a sex drive and wasn't interested in sex. But now you find out she's not only interested in sex, but she's posting hook up ads on Craigslist in the places she is planning on traveling.

 

 

That shows a lot of intent, pre-planning, legwork and a pretty hardcore, brazen constitution to do it.

 

 

She obviously has a very strong interest in sex. ....just not with you.

 

 

OUCH!!

 

 

I'm afraid you are getting taken for a ride here. You are being used. She is using you for domestic support, a front for her friends and family and for help raising kids but her heart and her sexuality are with other people.

 

 

You have been sold a fraudulent bill of goods here. Your choice is do you continue to live as roommates and continue to provide her with support, companionship and a false image of a traditional heterosexual marriage and family? or do you move on with your life?

[JDPT]

I believe after this decade of no sex you have become indifferent to the fact that sex is actually an imperative factor in a relationship. Unless and I'm not accusing you of anything, that you have been taking care of your need elsewhere. I just can't picture me being married to someone and not being able to have sex with her in a decade. In any event a conversation with her upon arrival is inevitable. I hope it all goes "well" for the sake of these children.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

If she is a lesbian, and probably that is the case, yep she stole a good many years from both of you (as have these purported HD spouses who suddenly turn LD for no apparent reason). However she wants what you can't regardless of all the love and kindness in the world give her......

 

I love the Infidelity forum and regardless of the circumstances it is cheating, and there is never empathy. She is gay and wants a women. The fact she wasn't honest with you is one thing, but you can't offer her what she truly ants and needs another woman.

 

Don't beat yourself up. Confront and figure out how to move on.

[painfullyobvious]

There is no difference if she was cheating with a man or a woman she still betrayed you and your relationship. I am unsure as to why you are asking to confront or not. If the relationship is important to you just be honest with her and ask her to be honest about who she is as well. If you are going to get the answers you seek you are going to have to communicate better. I sounds to me like you have been in a relationship that more mirrors roommates than intimate partners. If you your wife is bi, lesbian or just curious you need to get answers and find out if she has been "experimenting" already. If I were in your position I would just be direct and ask that you not waste anymore time if she has feelings for women. More importantly what are you going to do if she is just curious or bi? You need to make some serious decisions on your next step.

[stillafool]

When she gets back tell her you plan to get snipped so the two of you can have sex every night. Tell her you are doing this for her so she doesn't have to take the pill anymore. Watch her response. When she gives you her excuses, slap copies of her emails to craigslist requesting sex with women on the table, sit and watch.

[felicity1]

It looks like your wife has not been the only person deceiving you.

[joe12321]

There is no difference if she was cheating with a man or a woman she still betrayed you and your relationship. I am unsure as to why you are asking to confront or not. If the relationship is important to you just be honest with her and ask her to be honest about who she is as well. If you are going to get the answers you seek you are going to have to communicate better. I sounds to me like you have been in a relationship that more mirrors roommates than intimate partners. If you your wife is bi, lesbian or just curious you need to get answers and find out if she has been "experimenting" already. If I were in your position I would just be direct and ask that you not waste anymore time if she has feelings for women. More importantly what are you going to do if she is just curious or bi? You need to make some serious decisions on your next step.

 

I think the lack of sex is a good indicator that she's not bi or curious bi. That would imply a sexual desire here then wanting a bit more because she's bored. I've not put much importance in sex. We're both professionals that have every minute of our days accounted for. We've never worked At the sex. Now I know why.

[oldshirt]

In my 20s I was in a serious relationship for a few years with a woman who was a few years older than me.

 

 

Something always seemed just a little off and not right. Eventually the relationship started to crumble and she became involved with another woman and moved in with her and ultimately ended up being 'out' and living as an open lesbian.

 

 

Then it all made sense.

 

 

BUT - while we were together we always had an active and vigorous sex life. We had great sex right up until a week or two before the ***** hit the fan and her orientation came out.

 

 

Our sexlife was good, It was our relationship that ultimately crumbled under the weight of her orientation.

 

 

You two haven't had a good sexlife in a decade. whether your wife is hetero, bi or lesbian, does it really matter?

[beach]

I think the lack of sex is a good indicator that she's not bi or curious bi. That would imply a sexual desire here then wanting a bit more because she's bored. I've not put much importance in sex. We're both professionals that have every minute of our days accounted for. We've never worked At the sex. Now I know why.

 

These look like excuses for why there's no sex between you two.

 

She's obviously interested - have you asked her why not with you but making effort for others?

 

And all her time isn't accounted for, obviously!

[joe12321]

These look like excuses for why there's no sex between you two.

 

She's obviously interested - have you asked her why not with you but making effort for others?

 

And all her time isn't accounted for, obviously!

 

This marriage will be over soon. Now it's about picking up the pieces and taking care of the kids.