I Would Love to Give Her This

[wwobuk]

Dear S

 

Where do I start? 7 Years together, three years married two gorgeous kids and the best marriage ever. We had everything until you met your new found friends. E changed you. She was very accepting for you to leave your family to be with another one of your friends. A married man 26 years older than you. You are only young at 26. Why did you throw our relationship away? You never showed signs you were unhappy but I guess you staying out late, lying and always texting in private should have been enough to point me into my failing marriage.

You took our two youngest with you and now they live with each of us for half a week. What about your stepchildren who you mothered for 7 years. Not even a hello to them anymore. I guess you will be covering up their names you had tattooed on your foot.

If things were wrong between us why did you not tell me? Why did you always say you’re in love with me? Why did we try for a baby in the last months before you left? Why did you tell me I was the only one for you? Why did you make me feel like we were to be together for a lifetime? Why did you not seek help if you were unhappy? Why have you changed so much?

For the kids sake you cannot even say Hello without your so called friends knowing about it now. Are they judging you or treating you like a puppet because the woman you are now is unknown to me.

Why did you rip all our wedding pics up, tell me to throw your dress away, rip up pictures of the children and post them through my door. Why are you trying to hurt me???

I always paid you compliments, I always told you I love you, I was always there for you. Why do you now treat me like something you would wipe off your shoe? I’m still the father of our children yet you seem to have no emotion for me whatsoever. I asked you, “Why do you hate me so much”. You replied “I don’t hate you. To hate you need to have a feeling and I have no feelings for you”. That hurt babe.

You know what though. I still love you. Just like the mug I am. You keep ****ting on me and I keep loving you. I resigned myself now to the fact that you are never coming back but don’t believe for one second it means I will stop loving you. You have and always will be in my heart. I hope one day your compassion, emotion and personality come back to the person I knew.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Sorry to hear your story.

 

I say that she is transferring her guilt on to you. The greater the guilt, the greater the transference. She can't see herself as she really is (the bad wife, bad mother, cheater) so she is transferring that onto you to be the bad guy. I look at it as a form of self-denial on her part.

[Clay]

I found this on another site I hope this helps.

 

Just Let Them Go.

 

The end result?

 

The end result is to respect yourself in the end,

let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

 

That is the end result.

 

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

 

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

 

Nothing else works better or quicker.

 

Let them go.

 

Agree with them and their feelings,

"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

 

Wouldn't that be true love?

 

If you really loved your spouse,

and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with,

wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

 

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?

Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

 

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

 

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

 

But cheating, no excuses.

 

Think about cheating.

A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

 

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

 

Fighting the affair? For what reason?

To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?

What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?

They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

 

And for your last point,

The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

 

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

 

You give them what they want.

You don't fight them on this issue.

You agree with their feelings,

they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

 

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

 

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",

you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",

you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

 

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

 

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

 

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.

[Spectre]

I feel bad for you, but when it comes to your ex wife trust me when I tell you that what goes around comes around. The cheaters always end up having their karma set in sooner or later..and that is when you deal the final blow: by acting like you aren't even happy they got their karma(even though you totally are).

[Raena]

No offence to Spectre... but if I have to hear about Karma one more time I think I might just blow my top. Karma has never seemed to come and bite my ex in the butt. He just keeps doing what he's doing and gets away with it... over and over and over. The only people who end up getting bit by the Karma bus are the children. Please don't take offense spectre... this is a well meaning phrase that many of my friends and family have said to me over and over about my current situation and I just don't see how it helps.

 

The truth is OP... you are better off letting go. For your wife to treat you in that manner is deplorable. Yes, you will love her... those feelings don't go away easily, but trust that they will go away one day and you will see her for what she is. You are better off letting go and not caring one whit what she thinks about you. Who cares why she doesn't like you... ask yourself a better question.... "What's great about me?". Remind yourself of what a good person you are and how you deserve to be treated better than that.

 

You will get through this. Keep your chin up and remember that all these horrible feelings you are having right now will only help you to appreciate the good days that are coming that are much better.

[Ap22]

Sorry to hear your story.

 

I say that she is transferring her guilt on to you. The greater the guilt, the greater the transference. She can't see herself as she really is (the bad wife, bad mother, cheater) so she is transferring that onto you to be the bad guy. I look at it as a form of self-denial on her part.

 

Agreed. My wife even admitted it to the MC that she did this. My story sounds a lot like the OPs, except my wife never told me she didnt love me or didnt have feelings for me.

 

She did, however, transfer all her guilt on to me. I was always the bad guy, everything was always my fault. She was the one betraying the me and the kids, but I was the bad one.

 

I would not send her anything like what you wrote. I know its hard, but move on. What she told you is about as definite as you can get. Move on and do not allow her to take your dignity. She doesnt deserve you and even though it may not seem like it, karma will get her. Karma is not a magical thing. Karma is bad people making bad decisions which eventually will bite them in the ass.

[wwobuk]

And now I have the thought of her and her old man sleeping together round her house while my kids are there. It is destroying. I have no idea what they think. They are only 5 and 3 but it must be so confusing for them. People keep telling me her house of cards will fall down soon. Just seems like that time is never ganna come.

[Ap22]

And now I have the thought of her and her old man sleeping together round her house while my kids are there. It is destroying. I have no idea what they think. They are only 5 and 3 but it must be so confusing for them. People keep telling me her house of cards will fall down soon. Just seems like that time is never ganna come.

 

Considering the OM was my stepsons sperm donor, it would have been so easy for her to invite him in had I left. I cant imagine what my 5 year old would have been thinking/feeling if this were happening.

 

I'd probably be in jail.....

[Arieswoman]

Raena,

I see you are pretty fed up with the Karma idea but in my experience Karma works to it's own timescale not ours.

 

It was 20 years after my marriage breakup that I found out by chance (via FB) of the series of tragic events that befell my exWS and OW. It is ironic that I have this information now I am no longer bothered about them.

 

Trust me, one day you won't be bothered either. In the meantime just stand back and watch your WS dig a pit for himself.

[Oberfeldwebel]

Please don't send such a letter, it will only devalue you more in her eyes. There is no sense in giving her more power. You need to do a 180, limit contact with her to only essential information only. Exercise will help with the stress and make a healthier you. Spend quality time with the children, make your time more fun, do chores when they are with stbx. She is not your lover, friend, buddy or pal. She is your children's mother and treat her with respect for that reason.

[peruano99]

Move on... She cheated is with a guy 26 years older than her. Divorce her an try to get custody of the kids. Get a good lawyer. Remember she also will probably cheat on the guy with someone who has more money.

[peruano99]

Agreed. My wife even admitted it to the MC that she did this. My story sounds a lot like the OPs, except my wife never told me she didnt love me or didnt have feelings for me.

 

She did, however, transfer all her guilt on to me. I was always the bad guy, everything was always my fault. She was the one betraying the me and the kids, but I was the bad one.

 

I would not send her anything like what you wrote. I know its hard, but move on. What she told you is about as definite as you can get. Move on and do not allow her to take your dignity. She doesnt deserve you and even though it may not seem like it, karma will get her. Karma is not a magical thing. Karma is bad people making bad decisions which eventually will bite them in the ass.

 

Uh didn't you said in your other threads she was feeling guilty an said she didn't deserve you?

 

This is what you said on one of your threads:

 

 

 

I was having a bad day yesterday due to me finally dwelling on what she had done. She did look ashamed and start sobbing uncontrollably before going outside in the dark to cry alone on the porch. When I finally got her back inside, she started sobbing that she was a horrible person, horrible wife, and horrible mother. She truly did seem ashamed and you cant fake the emotions she was having.

Edited December 22, 2013 by peruano99

[aliveagain]

I don't think there will be enough Viagra in the world to make her happy. Think of the workouts she'll be getting when she has to change his diaper in a couple of years. Did you ever tell the other man's wife?

Edited December 22, 2013 by aliveagain

[harrybrown]

You really need to move on and do not give her the time of day.

 

Live well and someday after you get over the pain, find someone new that will love you.

 

Sorry that she is treating you so bad. Get her out of your life. She is poison to you.