Do you stalk the OW online? Even though it's unhealthy?

[confusedandhurt2002]

I know it is unhealthy and it won't solve anything and it could make the whole situation worse, but I have found myself looking at the other woman's online profiles. Gah! Why? Who gives a rats ass what she's talking about or writing about or what she even thinks. My husband chose to be with me, to work through our marriage and not because I asked him. I never asked him to stay. He wanted to make this marriage work and wanted to be with me, but yet I still wonder what they had and why she still pines over him. It's getting better and the urge to see what she posts has started to fade. I just want it gone forever. I'm not looking for "shame on you" from anyone, but just wonder if you have/had issues as well with the other man or other woman.

Edited December 9, 2013 by confusedandhurt2002
Addition

[compulsivedancer]

No, but I'm glad H had me delete and block OM the week of DDay, because there were times I wanted to check in on him so bad.

[BurnedAndLost]

I know it is unhealthy and it won't solve anything and it could make the whole situation worse, but I have found myself looking at the other woman's online profiles. Gah! Why? Who gives a rats ass what she's talking about or writing about or what she even thinks. My husband chose to be with me, to work through our marriage and not because I asked him. I never asked him to stay. He wanted to make this marriage work and wanted to be with me, but yet I still wonder what they had and why she still pines over him. It's getting better and the urge to see what she posts has started to fade. I just want it gone forever. I'm not looking for "shame on you" from anyone, but just wonder if you have/had issues as well with the other man or other woman.

 

I did for several months, as this is how I found out he was cheating in the first place.

[peaksandvalleys]

No. I don't really understand the stalking thing. I know she keeps tabs on me but I am not sure why? I am not with WH and will not be with him. Do you think you gain something from looking? Is it aiding your healing? If it is then by all means keep doing it. If it isn't wean yourself by replacing the urge with something more productive like boxing.

[yellowmaverick]

No. I don't really understand the stalking thing. I know she keeps tabs on me but I am not sure why? I am not with WH and will not be with him. Do you think you gain something from looking? Is it aiding your healing? If it is then by all means keep doing it. If it isn't wean yourself by replacing the urge with something more productive like boxing.

 

No. The OW still stalks me and my children, but I don't stalk her. I can understand the temptation to "look" on both sides immediately after d-day, but I don't understand continued stalking years later.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

No so much. He has his account locked down tight. I check periodically to make sure that his circle of friends does not overlap mine. My brother and SIL have friends from OM's hometown and social circle. Plus, I don't think that the OM is on FB that often.

 

Yesterday I logged onto my wife's account and "blocked" OM and his wife to ensure that he isn't FB stalking my wife.

[experiencethedevine]

No. The OW still stalks me and my children, but I don't stalk her. I can understand the temptation to "look" on both sides immediately after d-day, but I don't understand continued stalking years later.

 

 

 

I was stalked by the other woman during the affair unbeknown to me, but after dday the rise in incidents of her preposterous behaviour escalated to ridiculous proportions.

 

 

We still get the odd prod from her at our home, 16 years later!!

 

 

The woman is unhinged.

[yellowmaverick]

I was stalked by the other woman during the affair unbeknown to me, but after dday the rise in incidents of her preposterous behaviour escalated to ridiculous proportions.

 

 

We still get the odd prod from her at our home, 16 years later!!

 

 

The woman is unhinged.

 

Stories like yours worry me. It's one of the reasons I didn't choose to R. I am hoping that she leaves us alone now. I have no curiosity about her life and what she does as long as she remains NC with my children and me.

[dichotomy]

I do still check up OM, yes... and he still has not lost his job, lost his home, gotten HIV, or been kidnapped and been tortured by the Russian mafia.

 

I mean WTF….Come on… Karma! I will check back later ok?

[experiencethedevine]

Stories like yours worry me. It's one of the reasons I didn't choose to R. I am hoping that she leaves us alone now. I have no curiosity about her life and what she does as long as she remains NC with my children and me.

 

 

 

To be perfectly frank yellowmaverick, it is a source of amusement to my husband and I now, but I do understand how it raises the hackles! I too was concerned regarding how loose a cannon she might be. I soon found out.

 

 

I can tell you that after dday I really believed that the other woman should have been committed for treatment.

 

 

The gargantuan efforts she made to have my husband were fruitless, but the enormous lengths she went to in order to 'punish' me for being his wife at the end of it all were extraordinary.

 

 

 

 

I never had any desire to know anything about her life or her, other than the nature of her involvement with my husband.

[Sub]

I haven't checked on OM, but I have to admit it's odd when he's "recommended" as a connection on a couple social networking sites. It used to trigger me to see his smug little smiling face on a profile pic, though.

[Raena]

I did look at the OW online activities.... it's how she contacted me in the first place and it's how I found out that my ex was lying to me. Had I not looked, this could have gone on forever with him cheating and lying and me not knowing.

 

Now, after the fact... I still find myself wanting to look. Mostly this is because he says he split up with her but I don't believe him. My only real goal is to keep her away from my child so I do want to know if in fact they are still carrying on. I don't trust him. If I don't look, I may not know the truth about it all. I could, potentially, be sending my child to go stay with him and have him lie to me about her being around. I don't like it, so sometimes I do feel compelled to check up on her. It's only been 3 weeks since he moved out. It's still pretty fresh. I don't look as often as I used to, but every time he tells me yet another lie about the situation, I feel compelled to. I can, however, say that the amount of time I spend looking has decreased dramatically. I don't feel the need to look as much anymore.

 

My question is this... if the OW is willing to post all of her business in an public online forum and make no efforts whatsoever to hide any of it, how can she then complain that she is being "stalked"? If you don't want someone looking at what you write, then either don't write it, or protect yourself so that only certain people can see what you write. The OW in my case has left her FB profile wide open so that anyone can see what she posts and she has also left her Twitter account unprotected so that anyone can see what she tweets. She then uses both of these accounts to brag about her relationship with my ex... before, during and after d-day. I see it like this, if she doesn't want me to see what she writes, then she shouldn't write it. She should also be aware that his family that lives long distance from us are also looking at what she writes. They are all very curious as to what is going on with him, so they look too. And I can tell you, they aren't too happy with what they see. They also let him know that they don't understand why he did what he did with someone who is obviously mentally unstable and disgusting.

 

So should I NOT look? Yeah, probably not if I want to be able to move on from this. But if I want to know the truth about what is going on, it's the easiest, cheapest way to sleuth out the truth. Eventually I won't feel the need to know and then I'll stop looking.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Funny - I just had this conversation with my daughter this past weekend when I found some pretty awful things on one of her friend's twitter pages - just horrible - and also indication of cyber stalking another girl. My daughter has tried to help this friend, but to no avail - she just keeps digging in deeper and deeper with her problems. When I asked my daughter about her friend's tweets she said "mom, stop stalking my friends twitter".

 

I responded with the EXACT same thing. First of all, it didn't start out like that - I was looking at my daughter's page and I saw this other little girl's tweet and then was horrified with what she was posting. I told my daughter that when you start publicly posting like that, especially with no security, it's not stalking - you'd better be prepared to answer for what you put up there. Plus it's a great lesson for their future - job applications, college applications, etc.

 

Anyway, to answer this question - there was a time I was interested in what XMOM was doing, but I put the brakes on that awhile back because it wasn't doing ME any good at all. It only caused anxiety for me. There was also a time when his BS was doing the same thing - posting things for my benefit and really aiming some pretty nasty things at my family (not just me), so I got rid of FB as did my husband. I was done with that.

 

But I do know (from reliable sources) that her family "keeps up" with my daughter - they know everything she's doing. The only reason they do that is to "keep up" with me - there is no other reason for it. I also am viewed anonymously on LinkedIn fairly regularly and searched on the internet (I have something that tells me when I get searched and it's accurate down to the IP address and I know when it's most likely coming from her). So she's definitely still interested in what I'm up to.

 

It's ridiculous really.

[Raena]

Funny - I just had this conversation with my daughter this past weekend when I found some pretty awful things on one of her friend's twitter pages - just horrible - and also indication of cyber stalking another girl. My daughter has tried to help this friend, but to no avail - she just keeps digging in deeper and deeper with her problems. When I asked my daughter about her friend's tweets she said "mom, stop stalking my friends twitter".

 

I responded with the EXACT same thing. First of all, it didn't start out like that - I was looking at my daughter's page and I saw this other little girl's tweet and then was horrified with what she was posting. I told my daughter that when you start publicly posting like that, especially with no security, it's not stalking - you'd better be prepared to answer for what you put up there. Plus it's a great lesson for their future - job applications, college applications, etc.

 

Anyway, to answer this question - there was a time I was interested in what XMOM was doing, but I put the brakes on that awhile back because it wasn't doing ME any good at all. It only caused anxiety for me. There was also a time when his BS was doing the same thing - posting things for my benefit and really aiming some pretty nasty things at my family (not just me), so I got rid of FB as did my husband. I was done with that.

 

But I do know (from reliable sources) that her family "keeps up" with my daughter - they know everything she's doing. The only reason they do that is to "keep up" with me - there is no other reason for it. I also am viewed anonymously on LinkedIn fairly regularly and searched on the internet (I have something that tells me when I get searched and it's accurate down to the IP address and I know when it's most likely coming from her). So she's definitely still interested in what I'm up to.

 

It's ridiculous really.

 

I didn't know such a thing existed. I'm interested in knowing more about this.

 

But yes, those who post in a public forum should be well aware that what they post can and will be viewed by anyone and doesn't disappear that easily. All it takes is for someone to screen shot it or download and it's potentially available forever.

[confusedandhurt2002]

Years later? Yeah...no...not good. I'm about seven months into this drama and if I were still doing it after a year then I am going to ask for my counseilng sessions to be increased!

No. The OW still stalks me and my children, but I don't stalk her. I can understand the temptation to "look" on both sides immediately after d-day, but I don't understand continued stalking years later.

[confusedandhurt2002]

I already know she sends little jabs at me on a public forum...or did, I mean, but I did the same to her a couple times. Not proud of it and removed them not long after. She saw them though and for a bit we had this social media exchange on our pages. it was sooo pathetic. I am still tempted to leave those type of things but stop myself. I'm so paranoid now that I"m afraid to put up anything about my marriage because it could appear I am rubbing her face in thefact he stayed with me. I don't want to do that because I have no interest in pissing her off (not because I'm afraid of her but because I just dont want to deal with her sorry ass at the moment...er...ever)and because, despite what she did (together with the WH, of course, so not all blame is on her) I feel slightly bad for the sad life she has and for the fact her husband doesn't treat her nice at all and doesn't even care she had na affair. I think betrayal hurts so much because we absolutely loved the person who betrayed us. In her case, I do believe her husband knows and doesn't even care...in other words...I don't think he gives a flying rats ass about her and since he's had affairs before, I don't think he even loves her.I feel bad about that but she can find someone other than my husband to care about her. I wish she could work on her own marriage...

 

Anyhow..blah, blah, I know this feeling will go away and soon...it's already almost there already

 

I didn't know such a thing existed. I'm interested in knowing more about this.

 

But yes, those who post in a public forum should be well aware that what they post can and will be viewed by anyone and doesn't disappear that easily. All it takes is for someone to screen shot it or download and it's potentially available forever.

Edited December 9, 2013 by confusedandhurt2002

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Well I guess my response to this would be, is it really anymore ridiculous then keeping tabs or caring who searches you on LinkedIn and Google? Just curious, how do you "know when it's most likely comkng from her?"

 

Im always very curious of people who claim they are being "stalked on FB" and what not.....how would they know??

 

Also, Im a little confused about how they "keep up" with your daughter and how you're aware of that? Are you referring to the Trick Or Treating incident where you XMM's parents said Hi to her and showed her pics of their grandkids?

 

It's not just that incident. This is a comment that came from a close family friend - they know what my daughter is doing - they keep up on her activities.

 

I have had anonymous letters come in the mail - one specifically after I directed an extremely successful community theater production - it said "No matter what you do you will always have a Scarlet A on your chest".

 

The searches that I get are on a specific profile and it identifies the IP address - I know the specific addresses where they come from. One is their house and the other is a house where a relative of theirs lives.

 

LinkedIn is not a "for certain", but the anonymous views always come after some event of some kind where I or one of my family members has had an interaction with their family. Those of us on linkedin are petitioning for this "anonymous viewing" to be taken away - it is a business website and there just isn't any room for that nonsense.

 

And I have a right to know who is looking at me and why. I keep proof just in case I need it. It's no business of yours, I was just relating what happens in my life.

[liloldlady]

I have found myself looking at the other woman's online profiles.

 

How did you find out her name?

[painfullyobvious]

If you know its unhealthy stop doing it. Nothing good can come of it really. If the OW becomes a big loser and makes multiple mistakes you will tell yourself my husband cheated on me for that deflating your self-worth. If she makes changes and seems to forget all about you two then you become angry because how shallow is she to just ruin my life and simply move on. Again not helpful to you. If she makes positive changes and appears to have moved on and even remorseful you may be upset because she is moving on faster then you are able to. You really cannot win so just heal, improve yourself and try to move forward

[compulsivedancer]

I haven't checked on OM, but I have to admit it's odd when he's "recommended" as a connection on a couple social networking sites. It used to trigger me to see his smug little smiling face on a profile pic, though.

 

Block him. He won't show up at all.

[compulsivedancer]

Confused, on Facebook, specifically....BLOCK HER. Then she can't see you and if you post stuff and she sees it from someone else's profile, she's seeking it out. You're not posting it for her benefit.

[liloldlady]

I know she keeps tabs on me

 

What makes you think so?

 

I am not with WH and will not be with him. Do you think you gain something from looking? Is it aiding your healing? If it is then by all means keep doing it.

 

...sounds a bit like when I get mad at someone on the street who stares at me like a caged animal: how do I know he's staring at me if I'm not also looking at him...??

[confusedandhurt2002]

What makes you think so?

 

 

 

...sounds a bit like when I get mad at someone on the street who stares at me like a caged animal: how do I know he's staring at me if I'm not also looking at him...??

 

Hmmmm.....good thought. I need to go look now to see if she is talking about me so I can talk about her and her about me and .... wait...I'm confused. I think I'll get some eggnog instead of looking. And this time I may add some booze to it.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I just think holding on to that, and always looking and checking to see if THEY are looking and checking, is not healthy for your healing. You go from a comment a friend makes (heresay, second hand, whatever) to "They are always keeping tabs on my daughter to keep tabs on me". It seems like you are WANTING it to happen, to have something going on. I mean after all, you did try to get on a Jerry Springer type show, if I read correctly? Im just saying, wouldnt it be better to just move on? Who cares if they are googling you!

 

Besides, even IF they are "keeping tabs on you", I really dont blame any BS or family of BS for doing so. Maybe someone is just being precautious to make sure the A isnt/hasnt started back up.

 

I look up all sorts of exes on FB, google, etc. Not for any particular reason other than pure curiosity, even boredom.

 

I think its more unhealthy to be overly concerned as to try and figure out who is looking up you.

 

I just see it an awful lot, its like the OW/BS or WHOMEVER is 'being searched" and complains about "them searching me/stalking me/keeping tabs on me" but it almost seems like she gets a kick out of it b/c its like saying "Hmmm..I must be something, as they cant seem to let me go!" Its almost like one is looking for that validation. I.e. "Please let me still matter to them!!"

 

Not any of your concern why I do what I do. And no I didn't try to get on a Jerry springer show. I did contact oprah about something at one point but it had more to do with the religious abuse.

 

I am nowhere around them and haven't been - if they are concerned about the affair starting back up again they are looking in the wrong place.

 

Why are you interested in what I do or what I don't do?

Edited December 10, 2013 by lilmisscantbewrong

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Im just saying, yes you have a right to try and figure out who looks you up, just like they have a right to look you up. Its kinda a wash, and I think a little futile to be regularly trying to discern if certain people are looking you up. Its not stalking, they arent contacting you, or really doing anything of note. So whats the big deal?

 

Seems more healthy to just not worry about who's googling you or viewing yiur pages.

 

As for LinkedIn, good luck with youre petition. They will never get rid of anonymous viewing, as it would adversely affect traffic. (Same with google, facebook, etc). I think the vast majority of people on there for purely professional reasons couldnt care less who happens to view them.

 

Except with Facebook you have the option to block someone, same with Twitter and Google - they can't just view you anonymously. There are many of us professionals (and yes I am a professional) that think it's "unprofessional" to be able to view others anonymously and there are quite a few threads on it. It will be addressed in the near future. There isn't any place for it on LinkedIn.