I ruined a wonderful marriage

[Ryla]

My husband and I have known each other for about ten years now. We met and fell in love in college and have been together since then. He's very sweet and passive where I'm the more ambitious one. Nevertheless, we compliment each other perfectly and were very happy together.

 

But a few years ago, we moved back to my hometown in Maryland, as we'd been living in the south, going to post graduate school. I met up with my old boyfriend who I hadn't seen since I graduated from highschool. We were pretty serious then, but gradually lost touch once I moved across the country and met my husband. From the time we reunited, there still seemed to be sparks of our old relationship, but of course more matured. He was the type of man I'd always thought I'd marry. He's more similar to my aggressive personality and is in my line of work. I admit I still harbored feelings from him even from so long ago.

 

We kept steady contact, and our relationship kept progressing. My feelings for him grew, and we eventually fell into a very sexual affair That went on for a few months, and I started getting more wreckless and involved with the affair. In my carelessness, my poor husband walked in on us one day. I couldn't believe how ignorant and cruel I'd been to him, as he's been nothing but wonderful to me. I broke down and begged him to forgive me, and after a few weeks, he decided that we'd try to reconcile our marriage.

 

It's been a few months since then, and even though I've broken up with my lover, things just aren't the same at home. I've tried talking to him, treating my husband with even more attention and affection than usual, or treating him like before, but he still occasionally shies away from me. I know that what I've done will stay with the both of us forever but I still want to repair what we had together.

 

Neither of us want to give up on our marriage, but I can't figure out anything to help our situation. I can't believe I've ruined something so wonderful for such stupid reasons. I greatly appreciate any advice for what I could do.

[emtandmommy2]

Ok, here is a view from someone who's spouse cheated on them. This is going to take some time for your husband to trust again.Actually you outta thank god he loves ya enough to try again.This isn't something you can erase with a few nice gestures and alot of attention.I am sorry to sound harsh on this but I have been on the receiving end and I have felt the pain of being cheated on.I would suggest counseling with him and u.Give him time.Don't smother him.Other than that, be prepared for alot of awkward moments.Good luck.

[havNfun]

The only advice I can think of is to be the best wife in the world from now on. Perhaps even almost slave over him. I don't know why he would want to stay with the marriage after what happened. Sounds like perhaps he is a bit shy and may not even ask for as much from you as he should in terms of what it would take to make it up to him etc. sounds like he probably won't leave - I hope the best for your marriage - but I know that it is hard to take hurting people back. Best of luck

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

I think you are very lucky that your husband wishes to stay with you. You have a great marriage and a great husband and you treated him like garbage. Now only do you have a sexual affair for months and put your husband at health risk but you are so disrespectful of your husband and marriage that you have sex with your lover in your home and your bed and get caught by your husband. The home is the one place that your husband should always feel secure and your ruined that also. I cannot imagine the pain and humiliation your husband must have endured from this incident. How would you feel if your husband did to you what you did to him?

I am amazed that your husband would wish to stay with you because clearly you do not deserve him for you to show such distain and disrespect to your husband in such a cruel and hurtful manner.

[Kelebek]

I don't know - there's a lot of good advice here but I don't think I'd suggest changing your ways dramatically, he loved you the way you were before you cheated, so why not just be that person. Don't change into some wildly affectionate servant for him - that's not the woman he married. The change in your behaviour will remind him every day of what you've done.

 

Just be humble, kind, very mindful of his feelings. Pay extreme attention to anything he says, does, looks at, so that you can remember it in the future, either to say, "Well, I remember you said..." (making him feel his opinions count to him) or "I remembered you like this shirt..so I just thought I'd buy you it!"

 

The terrible thing for him is feeling like you didn't care about him - that's why you cheated. (I know you DO care about him, but this is what he'll be feeling.) He'll be thinking he must not have mattered to you for you to do such a thing, and it'll be so difficult for him to get over that.

 

Always let him know what you're doing - I don't mean give him an itinerary of your day, but say, I might do this, what do you think, or, I'm going over to Emma's tonight, want me to be home in time to have a quick drink at the pub? ...just letting him know what you're up to that day in a chatty way, and asking him his opinion...subconsciously he'll trust you again. Don't ever go off somewhere (even just the shops) without telling him, I know it'll be hard for you for a while but as soon as he sees you gone he'll start thinking, oh god, where is she, she didn't say where she was going etc etc.....he's terrified you'll do this again so don't give him any reason to think that. It's not his fault, it's not him being overly-suspicious, he'll just naturally think the worst because he's scared of losing you so don't get angry at him if that happens.

 

Good luck, you're lucky to get a second chance. My dad gave my mum a second chance, and they managed to work it out, and they are happier than they've ever been together. It's made them realise that to come through such a terrible thing, they really are meant to be together. It's made them mindful of each other's feelings, and they have more respect for each other. I think it made them both realise that a marriage takes work to work (they were both a bit lazy to each other before) so they work really hard at it, just in simple, small ways.

 

My mum never changed into a totally contrite, quiet person, just here to serve my father, no - she was terrified to ask for him back and showed her sorrow to him then, but when he took her back, everything went back to normal so quickly it left my head spinning. But my dad was happy, cos he wanted things the old way, the way they had been. Just without the cheating. That's what your husband will want. Do things the two of you used to do - make him remember the great couple you had been. It'll make YOU remember too It'll be like you're dating again, starting over!

 

Make time for each other, my parents have at least one night a week now where they go out for a drink or two...they never did that before. They appreciate each other so much more now.

 

Things will get better for you, don't worry. You'll get there. Just be patient, this will be so hard for him too - don't ever rush him or get frustrated.

 

[wasssntme]

[color=green][/color]I know that there are no easy answers in life. But it bothers me how people post to this network pouring their hearts out, seeking only to be honest and asking the hard questions, (which I am sure that the writing itself is part of the therapy). Then the responses they receive are harsh>>> "Slave to Him" <<<<

 

C'mon PEOPLE. We are all looking for answers, justifications and absolution. No matter why we are here. What I want to know is if you've ever heard of "It takes Two?"

 

I know that I heard my mother say that a million times. And I thought that was obscene... I didn't do anything to make my brothers hit me... lol... but the point is that Men become complacent. And women have needs. The world believes that men should have their needs met or they can't help themselves as they cheat away. If a woman isn't being beaten and lied to and she cheats well "what a tramp and a **&&^^**"

 

By saying it takes two, I mean it takes two to make it and two to break it. If a man really loved his wife and wasn't just so dam---- comfortable, he would know the moment another man started showing her attention long before "the other guy" gets a chance to move in on her. The signs are universal (for men and women alike). He/She starts taking better care of his/her body, he/she start buying new clothes, going more places. He/she begins to nit pick--- suddenly they notice that after 10 years the spouses' ears bother them. The list is longer and requires more time than I am willing to give it. But you get the point.

 

If you were the one cheated on did you ask yourself, did I miss something??? Was I cold or mean or disconnected? Was I too comfortable? Was I letting work, the television or the internet take the place of the person that I love?

 

No matter how it happened, no matter what we thought we knew, we all crave that amazing feeling of new love. That feeling that maybe isn't even love but just is so exciting. That feeling that someone cares what we have to say and why. No marriage is perfect. If any of you know how to make one perfect, please email me the answers because I don't believe there is one.

 

Everyday we have a choice to make; "do we stay or do we go?" Most days we make that choice without even thinking about it. Then other days we torment ourselves over it.

 

Where would the world be if for just one day every year each person had to tell the total truth???

 

"Honey, how does my hair look?"

"Not as good as Mrs. Jones at the office."

 

"Honey, do mind if stay up and watch the football game while you get the kids to sleep, make lunches for everyone and do the laundry?"

"Sure, as long as you jump off the roof when you're done."

 

"Here honey, I made you cheese cake, brownies and ice cream. I love it when we eat together don't you?"

"Sure if you wouldn't graze all the other time."

 

Ok... what if we had to be totally honest with ourselves for one day?

 

 

 

If compassion and generosity were the measure of success that money and power are now, how would your life change?

Patch Adams

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[Fayebelle]

How long were you tog before your infedelity? Well you are starting "fresh" so it's gonna take AT LEAST that long to get there again.

 

I agree w/ wasssss(however many s's )-

 

don't do anything differently except taking more time to appreciate the one you married and work to build a stronger bond that never allows another in again.

 

I'm proud of you both for working tog on this- it's nice to see when 1 spouse is really sorry and the other is really willing to work towards forgiveness.