Am I being reasonable with partner who cheated with my best friend

[Womanscorned]

The short story. My partner who I have two kids with has recently been having a covert affair with my best friend. Neither of them came clean, I knew and pulled it out of my best friend. They both lied, covered up, continued to deceive me, until I confronted them both and they could hide it no more. My partner was very fearful at the thought of losing me and his children. We have been working through it all.

 

I refuse to ever have the best friend in my life in any way, shape or form. The only reason I am working to forgive it and move past it with my partner is because we have kids together.

 

 

There are really only two main things I am asking of him in order to be able to rebuild trust and move forward. A: he must commit to me and only me. He must be faithful. He has agreed to this.

 

 

B: he must completely cut her out of his life. I told him if he sees her in passing, of course he may say hello. But no hanging out together, no phone calls, no intimate secret conversations, etc.

 

 

He says that cutting her out of his life does not feel right. He sees her as a "sweetheart" who is getting the brunt of my wrath. He claims they have a "connection" and doesn't want to lie to me if he feels like having talks about it with her in the future. He has not agreed to cutting contact with her.

 

 

I feel this is not something I will compromise on and at a bare minimum, doesn't he owe me this? Am I being unreasonable?

[lollipopspot]

B: he must completely cut her out of his life. I told him if he sees her in passing, of course he may say hello. But no hanging out together, no phone calls, no intimate secret conversations, etc.

 

He says that cutting her out of his life does not feel right. He sees her as a "sweetheart" who is getting the brunt of my wrath. He claims they have a "connection" and doesn't want to lie to me if he feels like having talks about it with her in the future. He has not agreed to cutting contact with her.

 

I feel this is not something I will compromise on and at a bare minimum, doesn't he owe me this? Am I being unreasonable?

 

From the information that you provided, no, you are not being unreasonable. That he would even refer to her as "sweetheart" to you, if that was his word, seems very insensitive. I'm sure they did have a connection, and he has fond feelings towards her and may even love her, but he has to choose.

 

Unfortunately his attitude makes me think that this isn't going to work out well.

[ChooseTruth]

No Contact (NC) is basic. He should never see her again for life.

 

I divorced my ex over this. We have a daughter. You can't live with that kind of crazy, it'll turn your whole life upside down with worry. He owes you that peace of mind. Every time he sees her it basically opens the wounds again. How can you heal like that?

[KathyM]

You're not being unreasonable. He needs to stop all contact with this OW in order to reestablish trust and to reconcile with you. It sounds like he is not taking your concerns or feelings very seriously if he is not willing to do this. If I were you, I'd leave him. Sounds like he doesn't value his commitment to you at all, and just wants to string both of you along.

[Try]

He says that cutting her out of his life does not feel right. He sees her as a "sweetheart" who is getting the brunt of my wrath. He claims they have a "connection" and doesn't want to lie to me if he feels like having talks about it with her in the future. He has not agreed to cutting contact with her.

Your request was very reasonable, and is in fact a standard expectation of someone that has cheated on you. He is the one being unreasonable to expect you to accept this. What he just told you is that the affair is not over, but only on a temporary hold. He also told you that he really does not fear that you will divorce him. His response shows no remorse for his cheating, and no commitment to do even the bear minimum of effort to help you heal. He want to cake eat, where he gets the best of both worlds from you and the other women.

 

You forgave him too easily. He does not see it as something that he needs to earn. Your best odds of having a marraige worth saving comes with being willing to end the marraige. You must file for divorce immediately and mean it. Do not look back or plead with him. If he is willing to let you divorce him because he cannot live without the other women in his life, then the marraige was over anyway. It is not a sure thing that he will pick you over the other woman, but the odds get worse for you the more time that this goes on. I am sorry that you are here.

[Grumpybutfun]

Womanscorned:

So, you give him a chance with you to repair your marriage, heal as a family unit and move on with your lives, and he can't even go NC with the OW because she is a sweetheart and you are being too hard on her? He is a douche. Move on. Remorse and redemption go hand in hand with him being compassionate and understanding to anything you need to move on with your marriage. If he can't, or refuses, then he doesn't deserve a second chance with you and you should move on in life. Men like this pay lip service and faux tears to reconciliation while all the time laying in wait until you become complacent and then cheat again. Don't be naïve and let him gaslight you into doing what he wants because he has you believing you are unreasonable. Tool, a$$clown, gaslighter, cheater, philanderer= Ex-husband.

Good luck, you deserve better than this,

Grumps

[dreamingoftigers]

Womanscorned:

So, you give him a chance with you to repair your marriage, heal as a family unit and move on with your lives, and he can't even go NC with the OW because she is a sweetheart and you are being too hard on her? He is a douche. Move on. Remorse and redemption go hand in hand with him being compassionate and understanding to anything you need to move on with your marriage. If he can't, or refuses, then he doesn't deserve a second chance with you and you should move on in life. Men like this pay lip service and faux tears to reconciliation while all the time laying in wait until you become complacent and then cheat again. Don't be naïve and let him gaslight you into doing what he wants because he has you believing you are unreasonable. Tool, a$$clown, gaslighter, cheater, philanderer= Ex-husband.

Good luck, you deserve better than this,

Grumps

 

I can't believe he won't cut contact.

My husband was a serial cheat and was unremorseful for a period of time.

He still would have have argued that.

 

No wonder this guy cheats, his balls must be the size of a blimps!

Some cajones to tell his partner with two kids that he'll continue to talk to the broad he messed around with because "they have a connection."

 

Form your own connection. To a divorce lawyer.

 

And honey I'm sorry. It's so nasty when they do a half-assed (or in this case half-baked!) reconciliation.

[whichwayisup]

Sorry that you're going through this. Having your partner cheat is bad enough, but double betrayal is really hard.

 

He says that cutting her out of his life does not feel right. He sees her as a "sweetheart" who is getting the brunt of my wrath. He claims they have a "connection" and doesn't want to lie to me if he feels like having talks about it with her in the future. He has not agreed to cutting contact with her.

 

Then kick him out. And, file for divorce. Really if his so called 'connection' with her and having her in his life is more important than you and the kids, let him go. He is not ready to commit to you and you deserve his full attention, full effort to make things good again. So far, he has shown you nothing worthy of a second chance.

 

Does he NOT understand that she betrayed you? That the friendship is over, you have no obligations to her, so therefore she can (and should!!) be cut out of your life! Ask him if how he'd feel if you had an A with his best friend and wanted to keep the friendship due to a 'connection' and seeing him as a 'sweetheart'. I bet he'd hit the roof! No way. Your partner is being selfish. Until he is ready to show real remorse, let go of her for good and commit to you, prove himself worthy of having your trust again, he cannot be with you.

 

I feel this is not something I will compromise on and at a bare minimum, doesn't he owe me this? Am I being unreasonable?

 

Yes he does.

 

Make a rule right now. Your children are NOT to be around her at all. And, he must abide by that.

 

How old are the kids?

Edited November 24, 2013 by whichwayisup

[dreamingoftigers]

Yeah. He's one of those dumb ones that expects you to just trust and get past this overnight.

 

"Wah. Don't be so controlling. waaaaahh."

 

You're going to need to kick him out and the sooner the better if you want to save it at all.(ugh, if you want to....)

 

It'll probably take him a month or two to pull his head from his rear end at that point.

 

I figured it would take my husband about six when he got the actual boot. Took about 3-4 months.

[waterwoman]

No you aren't!! .

[waterwoman]

Being unreasonable I mean!!! Oops .....I misread the thread title.

[Oberfeldwebel]

He says that cutting her out of his life does not feel right. He sees her as a "sweetheart" who is getting the brunt of my wrath. He claims they have a "connection" and doesn't want to lie to me if he feels like having talks about it with her in the future. He has not agreed to cutting contact with her.

 

I feel this is not something I will compromise on and at a bare minimum, doesn't he owe me this? Am I being unreasonable?

 

WARNING, WARNING, DANGER.....RED FLAG. If this idiot is not willing to do the very minimal things you have asked him to do, DO NOT take him back. He has no idea of the harm that he is caused you and needs time to think about what he has done. Therefore I recommend the following.

 

1. Consult with an attorney and determine your legal rights, in regard to support and visitation.

2. Implement a controlled separation. This will include a 30 day NC with you except for visitation, legal or finance reasons.

3. Couples counselling to give him an unbiased view of acceptable norms in a relationship.

4. After 30 days he must commit to the NC with other woman, commit to your relationship or implement the above support agreement in #1.

 

This will seem very harsh when you first read this post, but here is what I see happening. He will refuse or maybe even agree kind of sorta and then continue to see her behind your back. This can go on for a long time and cause you months or years of pain. He is wanting to eat his cake and have it too, this is an extremely selfish behavior and all at your expense.

 

Far from being too harsh, you are being extremely reasonable and kind. There is no need for him to even speak to her, she was supposed to be your friend and betrayed you. If she speaks he can smile, nod knowingly and continue on his way. If he is incapable of this, then you should let him continue on his way.

[janedoe67]

NC is basic. If he won't end contact with her he doesn't deserve contact with you.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Even a hello in passing is too much contact.

[Realist3]

and is in fact a standard expectation of someone that has cheated on you.

 

It is a standard expectation but that doesn't mean it is reasonable. I know for the BS it serves as an attempt to regain some control, but if anyone thinks it is going to keep two people that have had a relationship from contacting each other you are fooling yourself.

[aliveagain]

I haven't read the word love, if he is only staying because of fear that won't work. No contact is an absolute requirement, give it 6 months, if during that time he still feels the same, cut him loose. You can't make someone love you and staying just for the children is the wrong reason to stay. Your friend was not a friend at all, cutting her out of your life shouldn't make too much of a difference to you. You deserve to be with someone that wants to be in the relationship because of you. Is he in counselling? How long was the affair? Does she have a boyfriend or husband, do they know? Have they been exposed?

[Womanscorned]

The children are 2 and 4. I have explained to him I want her nowhere near my children and I am very serious about that.

[Womanscorned]

I haven't read the word love, if he is only staying because of fear that won't work. No contact is an absolute requirement, give it 6 months, if during that time he still feels the same, cut him loose. You can't make someone love you and staying just for the children is the wrong reason to stay. Your friend was not a friend at all, cutting her out of your life shouldn't make too much of a difference to you. You deserve to be with someone that wants to be in the relationship because of you. Is he in counselling? How long was the affair? Does she have a boyfriend or husband, do they know? Have they been exposed?

The affair was "a couple of times two months ago" and then "a couple of times recently." She does have a boyfriend and he knows. He has also asked her to stop contact with him. The two ended up in a yoga class together recently and he told me he said goodbye, that was it. Well, my intuition told me this was false, and indeed when I confronted him further, he did admit to having a "20 minute conversation" with her. So, they are both breaching agreements and continuing to lie. She is now out of the country for 6 weeks. To make matters more difficult, my partner and I do not live in the same state. I recently moved out of state for schooling and professional reasons. The town that those two still live in is tiny, and they are bound to run into each other.

[Womanscorned]

And no, we are not in counseling.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

He says that cutting her out of his life does not feel right. He sees her as a "sweetheart" who is getting the brunt of my wrath. He claims they have a "connection" and doesn't want to lie to me if he feels like having talks about it with her in the future. He has not agreed to cutting contact with her.

 

 

I feel this is not something I will compromise on and at a bare minimum, doesn't he owe me this? Am I being unreasonable?

 

Common tactics of a cheater who wants to stay married but still continue the affair:

 

1. Lie about their true intentions.

2. Try to make you feel "unreasonable" or "controlling"

 

Many sad stories of repeat cheating have been posted here. You soon will be one of those. A person who has a connection with their sweetheart doesn't quit a relationship like that.

 

It sounds like he believes you are easy for him to manipulate. He knows you really want to save this thing, so he feels capable of sticking to his terms, believing you will give in and accept what he is offering.

[whatatangledweb]

You are much more reasonable than I was. I insisted on NC completely. He was never to even speak to her in passing. I included that in my postnuptial agreement. I had to have access to all his passwords and phone. He had to block her in all ways and change his number.

 

There are some that do what he is doing. They don't want to give up their "friendship". That never works. They go right back to the affair. He doesn't get to be friends with someone who helped him hurt and betray you. He needs to understand that or get out. I'm sorry this has happened to you.

[whatatangledweb]

It is a standard expectation but that doesn't mean it is reasonable. I know for the BS it serves as an attempt to regain some control, but if anyone thinks it is going to keep two people that have had a relationship from contacting each other you are fooling yourself.

 

No Realist, it isn't about control. It is about protecting ourselves from more pain. They have the choice to follow it or leave , just as they had a choice to cheat or not. If they want to stay in the marriage then they follow it.

 

My husband has followed it since d-day which was almost 3 years ago. I know this for a fact because she pops up once a year finding a new way to contact one of us. By her contact and what she says, I know she is really pissed at him for not contacting her.

[Try]

The children are 2 and 4. I have explained to him I want her nowhere near my children and I am very serious about that.

To make matters more difficult, my partner and I do not live in the same state. I recently moved out of state for schooling and professional reasons. The town that those two still live in is tiny, and they are bound to run into each other.

If you live out of state from your husband, then the children live either with you or your husband. You stating that you do not want the other women near your children, seems to indicate that they live with with your husband am I right? If they do indeed live with your husband, he has a good chance of getting primary custody in a divorce and he knows it.

 

You have very little of the normal leverage that most wives have in dealing with an affair. Under your current circumstances, divorcing you would have little impact on his daily life. You are not there to cuddle with him in the morning, or to chat with him over dinner. Child custody would change very little as they currently live with only one of the parents now, and whatever the current arrangement is, that would likely continue. Sorry to say but based on what he has said about her being a "sweetheart" and him not agreeing to no contact, and based on what you just said above about the current living situation, your odds are very low that your marriage will work.

[Realist3]

No Realist, it isn't about control. It is about protecting ourselves from more pain. They have the choice to follow it or leave , just as they had a choice to cheat or not. If they want to stay in the marriage then they follow it.

 

My husband has followed it since d-day which was almost 3 years ago. I know this for a fact because she pops up once a year finding a new way to contact one of us. By her contact and what she says, I know she is really pissed at him for not contacting her.

 

Is that not in its very essence regaining control? You are controlling through demand that there be NC. When a demand is placed on someone that limits their choices it is control. It is actually very closely linked to extortion.

 

If anyone ever tried to say I could not talk to this person or that person the relationship would be over right then and there. It is most definitely a form of control.

[whatatangledweb]

Is that not in its very essence regaining control? You are controlling through demand that there be NC. When a demand is placed on someone that limits their choices it is control. It is actually very closely linked to extortion.

 

If anyone ever tried to say I could not talk to this person or that person the relationship would be over right then and there. It is most definitely a form of control.

 

It is taking control of my life. I don't want to be hurt. My husband understood why it was necessary. So yes, it is a form of control but not how you are seeing it. I know you can't see it the way I do as you are still in your affair. And you don't try to see it the way a BS would. You don't want to give up your affair so to you it looks like control. A BS and a WS will look at it differently. My husband was told if he wanted her to get out. He didn't. He wanted to stay. I told him my conditions and he agreed with them. So he did have a choice. Where as I had no choice in his having an affair.

 

I'm sorry OP if I am threadjacking. You do have a right to set conditions.