Revenge Affairs and bad outcomes

[tiredofitall]

Hi, I'm new here. I found this thread and thought it was ridiculous, perhaps even fake. But m story although not as dramatic it is very similar.

 

Briefing, I cheated and am a POS for it. My W had a child and we went through the typical trials of being new parents. She had some sexual performance issues etc. But Nothing that really bothered me. I loved her very much and all was OK. Later things got a lot better in that department, but other things turned bad. My W had a tendency to put me down. I had a job and I made quite a bit more than her, but also had more freedom to stay and work from home. I took care of the baby from when she was 3 mo. Changing diapers, cooking for the family etc. I always cooked and cleaned the house and did remodeling etc. My W worked retail hours as a manager and had very little time to spend with us. The main problem is that I started feeling somewhat neglected. I started an EA/Emotional Affair. My W found out a few months into this new found friendship. The girl was just using me for the friendship and other perks, but I had the biggest crush on her. Nothing ever happened. That lasted about a year and when it ended my W was so bitter, she never was able to get over it and treated me even worse. I went online after a few months and got involved with a girl over skype, again EA not physical as I was only fulfilling emotional needs not a sex or physical issue.

 

My W, tells me about a guy that is pursuing her, but she says she is not interested. This was over 2 years ago/recently I found out they actually dated a few times and that they kissed, but supposedly nothing more. I did find some greeting cards from him that might suggest otherwise. But who knows. I guess at this point it is deserved if she did, although I never went PA I did disrespect her and failed her.

 

Between skype friends I found out about another guy she was texting but I don't think it went further than that as I caught it early. I tried to fix things with her, but she was almost always very angry and vengeful. We still had good days and sex was always very good.

 

fast forward a year and I never really stopped talking to "friends" over skype. One day she was moving to a new complex and suggested I moved on my own. I was pretty fed up with the half ass marriage so I agreed.

 

I decided to meet a girl I was talking to through skype in person. We hit it off and started dating I guess you can call it. This was a few months after I had moved out. I filled for D and my W refused.

 

I was in no hurry so I left in the back burner. Besides this new girl was long distance but my W new about her. She started going into overdrive especially after I gave her the D papers. She was more loving and trying to seduce me more but I felt it might be a little late to save the marriage at this point.

 

In late May she met this cop and started dating. I didn't know as my W kept calling me for family dates and we continued the sexual relations. She had not been physical with him.

 

In June I found out about the guy after some suspicions and at that point it had gone physical, but she was hiding it as she was trying the R out trying to see if it would work out before letting me go. She was cake eating. Family time withe me and the daughter now 4yrs and seeing this guy at the same time. Again, probably deserved it!

 

When I found out I threw a fit and tried to make amends as I didn't want to lose what I had. I wanted to regain the family. Pretty typical. One threatened with losing her I went begging for forgiveness.

 

Well She said we would try to work things out, that her A only went so far physically and that for our D's sake we should give it a shot.

 

Of course that's when I went crazy and started the insecurities, the begging and pleading and the I'm sorries. I pushed her away. From June through September we went out every weekend I stayed at her house at one point as she went out on a business trip, but the sex stopped in early June. She promised all would be OK and that she just needed time and space. That the guy no longer existed and I was just crazy and needed medication. I always felt there was something not right. Either way I changed my ways. Did a 180. Began being a better husband and went back to church. Was always there and did all the rest. Flowers, dated, poems all the stuff that is expected.

 

She never talked divorce, I was the only one ever bringing it up when frustrated. We had a ring on hold that I was going to buy for her and she knew about it. It was an upgrade as it was a 6k dollar ring.

 

FF September 16th We went to the movies with our D. At this point I have returned the ring and am almost giving up an trying. She has had me waiting for 5 months and I'm about fed up. The plan was to take my D on my own, but she asked if she could come as our D wanted to be with both of us. It was not the first time she used our D to either talk to me over the phone or even skype when I was on business trips. I thought it was her just trying to reel me in whenever she felt she was loosing me again.

 

At the movies she was nicer than other occasions and asked me if I wanted to go for dinner afterwards. I said no as I had to get ready for a business trip. I was really trying to start NC and giver some space at that point.

 

She asked me where I was going to travel to that week and when was I leaving. She started asking me that often for the last few weeks and it made me suspicious. So after going home I decided to drive back by her apt and guess what. I say the guys car driving in to the complex. He parked in a sort of hidden parking space for visitors. Only if you been there before you would know of this parking spot. I saw his car as I was getting ready to leave.

 

I got out of my car and confronted him. I asked him why was he there. He started cursing me out, telling me to get the F**k out of there and that he would arrest me etc. Then he pushed me.

 

I called my W and she said he was there to pick up some bowls. Later she said some movies. She walked out of the house and I asked her again. she said she had decided to move on. What a surprise! Our D was asleep inside the house as it was about 11pm. Apparently she was having the guy come in once our D was sleeping and after spending the day with me.

 

I called 911 to report him as he had pushed me. Bad idea as I was calling his cop buddies. Back in June and August I had texted him a total of 5 times asking him to stay away from my wife.

 

After hours with the police back and fourth, I was arrested for stalking due to the 5 texts asking him to stay away. To add insult to injury my W placed a restraining order against me. I spent 16 hours in jail for something completely stupid.

 

The days that followed my wife initiated contact via her family and later txt. I wanted to see my D and she said she would prefer to wait after the RO hearing. I taked to a lawyer and later received info that the RO had been denied until the hearing as there was no evidence of domestic violence.

 

She has reached out to me via TXT her mother and her sister. Typically always having to do with our D or her being concerned about out D and her not neing able to see me as before. Her mom said that she wanted to continue skype conversations and I said no. I love my D but want noting to do with my W or ever seeing her again. Her sister said she told her that she would like us to go out as a family for our D sake. Of course I said no as she allowed the A-hole to put me in jail.

 

She has not really shown remorse or regret, but is the one to typically iniciate contact and I'm at tNC stage, except for far and few txt in between for my D sake. I see my D as I have her every other weekend. I insist in picking her up and dropping her at school, but the W always insist in me dropping her off to her on Sundays and I have to see her then. she always looks nice when I see her. Somewhat of a change form before.

 

I filed for D, this time with a lawyer and she has not filled the required paperwork. she has been ignoring the lawyer and my request and will be served in the next week or so.

 

Through my aunt that is a cop we know and she knows that this cop boyfriend cheated on his wife for at least 2 yrs with a married woman before divorcing. Both marriages were destroyed. Also possibly physically abused his ex wife. My W new this since June when I told her. First she listened then she started giving him the beefit of the doubt. No she seems to be in a complete fog and I'm the only bad one here. He's a saint.

 

I know I was a piece of sh*t for cheating. I know I probably deserve it all. But if she had taken the high road back in June. Told me she was done with me and would pursue this new R I would have hurt probably more and respected her for it. Now I feel I was right all along for trying to leave her back then.

 

Excuse any typos. Very long post. Sorry

 

Your thoughts?

 

Link to other crazy revenge affair thread

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/345917-tables-have-turned-aftermath-my-revenge-affair

[harrybrown]

Keep up the NC and the divorce. Get her out of your life.

[bubbaganoosh]

What you got here is a huge ugly mess and right now the only thing that you should have in common with your wife is your child. Other than that, Avoid. Avoid. Avoid. When you pick your daughter up, say as little as possible and tell your wife that the only communication you want with her is about your daughter. Nothing else. It doesn't matter if your wife answers the door when you pick your kid up naked. Look the other way and enjoy your time with your daughter.

 

Both you and your wife have made the mistake of infidelity and you kid IMO is getting caught in the middle. My advice is one or both of you stop with the bull$h!t games and think of your daughters interest.

 

It doesn't matter id your wife is screwing a cop or the whole police force just as long as your daughter is no around. File, be done with it and move on.

[Clay]

Tired,

I just read your post. It really sounds like things are not going well for you. Honestly the only course you have now is to continue with the divorce and no contact with your WW. I understand you cheated and feel you deserve a lot what you got but honestly I don't agree entirely with that assessment. You are responsible for your actions just as your WW should be. Its clear you did try several times from what you said to set things right. I also understand it probably was hard for you wife to let go of the OM. The part I don't agree with is you going to jail and the protection order. I understand he is a cop but honestly if you wife loved you she would have shut that down quickly and put the cop into check. Follow that by the insult of the protection order its clear how she really felt about you. You are only kidding yourself if you think you will ever have a future with her.

 

Focus on you and your daughter. There are a lot of better women out there.

 

Clay

[Artie Lang]

ah yes, the high road..... where's the fun in that?

 

look, i don't condone a RA but i can see how it became an option for your wife. that being said, this tit-for-tat BS you and your wife are embarking on is not conducive to recovering your marriage.

 

personally, i'd say you guys have gone above and beyond the call of duty in further destroying what little you guys had left of said relationship. the only goal you guys are hoping to achieve is how much more one can hurt the other.

 

there is some serious work to be done here between the both of you if this is even remotely salvageable; question is, are you guys up for it?

Edited November 11, 2013 by Artie Lang

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

If she's still banging other man cop who put you in jail and he is a saint and you are the only bad guy, why is she resisting divorce and trying to work it out with you? Maybe she feels she has her revenge now, she won, you are submissive, and now she is willing to let you have another chance as long as you know your place, which is to not question her and not mess with her relationships with other men?

 

She was cake-eating before, having sex with both of you, then she cut you off but obviously not him and then you wound up with an RO and jail.

 

Do you have charges pending now, is there a restraining order still? You were in line to get custody possibly as primary caregiver, but where do you stand with custody now? How about financially in the divorce?

 

If you can stop yourself from going on the internet for a year, and that seems to be a big IF, but if you could, maybe you could try to get back with your wife, then if you do divorce, at least you would be in a better position for custody and financially.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

Oh, and start carrying a voice-activated recorder with you whenever you deal with your wife.

[tiredofitall2]

I had to create a new user as the site admins thought I was trying to post commercial content when I posted a link to an infidelity and marriage website.

 

Anyway, I don't think reconcileation is really an option at this time. I don't know why she is holding up the divorce at this point. I assume she is still wth the OM, but I don't know as she is not open about her R. I did expose her to everyone I could think of. Either way she in not pursuing me I don't think, except she always seems to initiate contact. I am in NC and have emailed her and texted her to stay away from me and refrain from contacting me. Not because she cheated, but because of all the legal mess she got me into.

 

I'm in a no fault state and The D should be done with soon. I will have partial custidy, but I travel often. So it is difficult to be with my DD4 during the week. I miss her like crazy as I was the one with her all the time before the move and this new job that requires so much travel.

 

I'm open to dialog further down the road I suppose. I do have a hearing for the RO on the 27th, but it is not in effect at the moment as the judge didn't deam it necessary. I have a trial for the texting misdemeanor 12/10 and I hired a lawyer and the deal cost me 8k dollars.

 

The D 1,900 dollars. Thats's what's got me pissed, but yes. My heart is broken, but mainly my ego. I also have so many nights where I can't sleep as I feel so guilty for all that I have cost, especially to my DD. So it's a rollercoaster. sometimes it's my own guilt, sometimes I'm angry at W.

 

I have no problem not going to the internet or having an open everything to show W there is nothing going on, but as I stated I think it is a little too late now.

 

The only thing on my mind is damage control with my DD. I have to somehow make sure she heals any and all things that are affecting her. she spends real quality time when with me. I know her mom is not a bad mother, except she brought that guy in the apt when DD was sleeping. I think this was a lack of judgement but the fog of a WW can make them act crazy. Overall I know her mom has her best interest at heart.

 

So yes I will be taking care of my DD and it is #1 priority.

 

I do hope W says she is sorry one day..... Like I did. But won't count on it.

[tiredofitall2]

One more comment about the fog. It's funny how she went from "I feel so bad about how far it went. I didn't go any further. I want to make things work for our DD4s sake. We need to work on us. I will even change my number. I feel dirty for what I did"

 

To, "I'm moving on" and the OM standing in front of me at her apt. Two different women.

 

NC with OM was the key jere and she didn't follow through and allowed the fog to take hold.

 

Go's to show what the results are when men turn into pursuing wuzzes.

 

Don't do it! If your wife cheats, even if for something you did wrong. Never beg, plead or cry. They lose all respect for you and you're done!

[Clay]

Tired,

Yea you can hope she says it but it will never make you feel better if she says it. You situation is probably one of the more extreme ones I have read. I feel for you but you really need to get your head in the right place. Your marriage is over. Your life is not. You do have a child and you have to be a better person for your child. There are lots of other women out there that would love to be with a decent guy. After my xW and I divorced. I dated for a couple of years. I had two semi serious relationships in the time before I met my current wife.

 

I don't look back and you should try not to either. Don't worry about the thoughts does she miss you or is she sorry. Focus on you. No one else is going to do this so you have to start now.

 

My current wife is so much better. Honestly I would have left my xW years ago had I had a clue I would find someone this good.

 

 

Clay

[tiredofitall2]

Thanks Clay, BTW I will be going to internal affairs as the "cop" and his buddies f**ked up big time. He also pushed me and they immediately sided with him.

 

It's not over yet. The W, she can keep him, but as we all know it will not be for long. Affairs never end well and his past history will play again.

 

I have learned my lesson and what damages cheating can cause. I will never go down this path again. I'm 37yrs and I have time to start again. Whoever I find will have a better me thanks to this experience.

[Clay]

Tired,

I think if I was you I would just walk away. I would not worry about the cop. In his line of work it will catch up to him at some point maybe not with you but with someone else. It does hurt to be cheated on. I have never cheated on a woman so I honestly don't have a clue what that is like. Its not to say I did not want to but I just decided against it.

 

Get Divorced. Only talk to your xW through certified letters. Never talk about anything else other than the kid. Go get counseling help. Focus on just you and your child. Life does get better it just takes time. I get that it hurt but you need to find things to feel up your life with to pass the time. The more you do the easier it will be to heal.

 

I am sorry you are going through this.

 

Clay

[tiredofitall2]

Yes, I hear you, but it is not about revenge it is about justice. What transpired that night is not acceptable. The cops that came started accusing me of being a crazed jealous ex. I explained that I had been with them that same day. My W even said in the Restraining order report that I was her "exrtanged" H. It is so ridiculous....

 

She was trying to suggest that I had been gone or not seeing me for some time!

 

He needs to know I have been seeing her all along and she was probably lying to him too. I had stayed in her apt for 2 weeks straight a few weeks prier with our D. Taking care of our pets and everything else. How am I extranged? And he will have to be held accountable for his actions as well as the other cops. The slogan is to Serve and Protect not to Intimidate and Abuse.

[tiredofitall2]

The time I stayed in her apt I did many things to make her happy. When she came back from her trip I had several surprises for her. I had cleaned the entire carpet as I rented a Rug Dr. I cooked dinner for her. When she came home she was received with the most beautiful flower arrangement she said she had ever received. It had a card congratulating her for her new certification and stating how prod we were of her. I had bought her a new watch she had been wanting.

 

I treated her like a queen and she only stabbed me in the back. I'm sure she will eventually think about this.

[BHsigh]

Clay is probably correct about just letting it go, but I wouldn't. If he dropped charges against you I would say to just drop it and go, however since he hasn't, I would first go to internal affairs with a copy of all of the evidence, and then to the local newspaper if I didn't get the answer that I wanted.

 

Shoot for at least the charges being dropped against you, and preferably an unpaid suspension for him.

[tiredofitall2]

Even if it is an inconvinience and a stain in his file is enough for me to feel that there is some justice. The other cops that came after I called 911 teated me as if I was criminal and strted throwing accusations. I do not have any sort of criminal reccord and have never been arrested in my life or even been in the slightest trouble. I am educated, have a Masters and a great job. Not doushebags they typically deal with.

[Clay]

Here is the deal you will never sink into the OM's head that you were a part of her life while he was around. She will always play both ends. This is never going to make you happy in the end. Sure go try to address your wrongful arrest but honestly do you really think they are going to do anything about it. I am not being negative I am just being realistic. Your hurt beyond belief right now. You have been walked on and trashed. I get that but now you need to show people that you are not that person. To do that you need to just get a lawyer and fight the charges that way. Keep yourself away at all cost. You need time to heal.

 

I really do feel bad for your situation but its time to take care of you. Someone between you are her has to be normal for you kid. She is not going to do it. So this burden falls to you. Take the high road out.

 

Clay