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I don't know if this is the right section. But from web searching my problem I find myself often here on this site in this section. I haven't seen any situation quite like mine but I though the people who are here have been cheated on and might be able to give me their persepective.

 

My exBFF has a very gorgeous and nice husband or I thought he was nice. He is one of those men who women of all ages take a second look at. My friend is pretty too but not as striking as her husband. She loves how he turns heads. We met and became friends while she was still just dating him. At first his good looks made me nervous but as time went on he became more "real" to me and while he didn't get ugly or anything his looks became less striking. There were times I thought he gave me a side glance but I always chalked it up to my "crush" on him and dismissed it. I never formed a friendship with him that went past me being his wife's BFF. I was the maid of honor in their wedding. There was nothing ever untoward over the years but we were very comfortable. I have dated over this time but nothing serious. Just before meeting my friend I had a very bad break-up. But I will get to that.

 

I will admit. I did have a small fantasy at times about him. I tend to daydream and I wrote a story where we could be together with no feelings hurt. It was never a cheating scenerio as I deeply care about my friend and I do not agree with cheating. Things like her finding a new guy or becoming polyamourous. I never even imagined her dying and as it was I usually stopped myself because I felt bad. And then I stopped even thinking about it. As I said his looks weren't as noticible to me anymore.

 

A year ago last June we went out to stay at their family cabin in the woods. It is really rustic and we often went an had a lot of fun. This time a group of eight of us went. We took alcohol and the first night got quite drunk. I don't drink often and am a pretty cheap drunk. It was dark out and I had to go pee so I headed to the outhouse. On my way back I met her husband on the trail. I can't really remember everything but he startled me and I tripped. He reached out to help me. Then he pulled me to him and kissed me. At first it was gentle and surprising and sent a shock through my body. I didn't think about anything fir several seconds but then when his arms tightened around me I instantly sobered up and pulled away. I didn't say anything and headed back to the cabin.

 

I felt awful but decided alcohal was to blame. But I still Struggled with telling my friend. Over the next few weeks my friend started acting strange towards me. I thought it was my guilty conscience and decided I needed to tell her what happened. And that was when I got a gut punch. I told her what happened and she just sat on her couch looking at me with this strange look on her face. I cried and apologized and she said.

 

"Husband said you might come up with a crazy story."

 

I was really confused. But she told me that her husband had told her that I had been coming on to him lately and he had been hoping I would stop and hadn't wanted to be mean. But at the cabin I had came on to him and tried to get him to sneak off and have sex. And he had turned me down and I had been desperate and crazy. Threatened to tell her a story like I just did because I couldn't handle the rejection. I couldn't believe it and cried and told her it wasn't true. She brought up how I had always wanted him and had been jealous because my last serious boyfriend and been verbaly abusive and unfaithful. That I had commitment issues and poor boundaries and needed to deal with my own sh*t without trying to take good guys away from their wives. There was a lot more said but that is the gist of it. Nothing I could say would persuade her otherwise and then she told me she had seen the dirty emails i had sent her husband. I never sent any dirty emails but she had them. I asked to see them and there they were. Only since our time at the cabin. Her husband told her he had deleted the ones before. It was a nightmere because I never wrote or sent them. They were from my "fake" account but my name was in the email and she believed her husband over me. Our friendship was done that day with nothing I could do to prove my innocence.

 

I live in a smaller city. I have some mutual friends but no one knows why we had a falling out. Recently through people talking I have learned he is being very friendly with this girl. And I also learned that he has cheated on his wife more than once! When you aren't in the inner circle you hear a lot more things. I feel awful for my friend to be with this pig but i also miss her as she was like a sister to me. so I started looking up how to catch a cheater which lead me here and to my question.

 

I want to send her an anonymous letter telling her that her husband may be cheating on her. Give her directions on how to catch a cheater like using a voice activated recorder in his car and an external keylogger on his pc and maybe spyware on his phone. And also to warn her not to confront him until she has hard evidence. I know it is none of my business but this seems to be something I can do. I have now way to clear my name. But more than that I want my friend free of him. I know it won't give our friendship a second chance but that shouldn't matter for her learning the truth.

 

Or would an anonymous letter just make her paranoid? I think she will either dismiss it or do some digging. And if she digs she may find out he cheated or maybe he isn't. What would you want?

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I would think about informing her that you would be more than happy to pay for a polygraph for her husband and yourself and then she can judge who is really telling the truth.

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What a scumbag! Sorry for both of you. I don't know how you should tell her but she needs to know. It would devalue the message if it came from you in the circumstances sadly. Do you know anyone else that could let her know? Otherwise it would need to be anonymous.

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Mickey_Fitzpatrick
I wrote a story where we could be together with no feelings hurt.

 

Then he pulled me to him and kissed me. At first it was gentle and surprising and sent a shock through my body. I didn't think about anything fir several seconds but then when his arms tightened around me I instantly sobered up and pulled away. I didn't say anything and headed back to the cabin.

 

Over the next few weeks my friend started acting strange towards me. I thought it was my guilty conscience and decided I needed to tell her what happened. And that was when I got a gut punch. I told her what happened and she just sat on her couch looking at me with this strange look on her face. I cried and apologized and she said.

 

"Husband said you might come up with a crazy story."

 

Nothing I could say would persuade her otherwise and then she told me she had seen the dirty emails i had sent her husband.

 

she believed her husband over me. nothing I could do to prove my innocence.

 

Recently through people talking I have learned he is being very friendly with this girl. And I also learned that he has cheated on his wife more than once! When you aren't in the inner circle you hear a lot more things.

 

What would you want?

 

I would want to know.

'

BryanP's polygraph offer should make her think twice, especially if you offer to pay, at least for your own, and let them pay for his. That alone might plant a seed of doubt.

 

An anonymous letter may or may not make her investigate further. She might know it is coming from you. People consider the source, so if it is "anonymous" or from someone you don't trust, it might be discounted. If you know so much more about his past affair, as well as his current one, it wouldn't hurt to name names (and dates and times and locations, if you know them). The more proof you could offer up the more likely she is to believe it.

 

What does you writing the story about how you could be with her husband have to do with the situation?

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I never sent any dirty emails but she had them. I asked to see them and there they were. Only since our time at the cabin. Her husband told her he had deleted the ones before. It was a nightmere because I never wrote or sent them. They were from my "fake" account but my name was in the email and she believed her husband over me.

 

How would she have access to your 'fake' account to get these emails?

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I think she'll automatically assume the anonymous letter is from you. That will make you look even crazier.

 

If you care enough to keep going, I think you'll have to keep digging and get proof yourself (or via a PI).

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Stay the heck out of it! Her husband's a jerk. He's clearly done this before or he wouldn't have prepped her for your confession. She doesn't want to know.

 

Leave it be & find different friends.

 

If people ask what happened, just say you all drifted apart.

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Stay the heck out of it! Her husband's a jerk. He's clearly done this before or he wouldn't have prepped her for your confession. She doesn't want to know.

Leave it be & find different friends.

 

If people ask what happened, just say you all drifted apart.

 

 

I disagree with the notion that the BS doesn't want to know.

 

What we know for sure from what the OP posted, the Husband did a damn good job of gaslighting the wife. I'm sure he was very very convincing when he went through the painful process of letting her know that her best friend had been coming on to him for quite a while and that he had been hoping to spare her the pain of her friend"s betrayal and just hoped the whole thing would go away up until her friend propositioned him for sex while on the trip.

 

Then he backed it all up with emails from the OP.

 

add to this the fact that the OP waited a while before she told the wife what happened.

 

The wife has plenty of evidence that would lead her to believe her husband

 

This husband is a master manipulator.

 

OP I think you are going to either have to get some hard proof of his cheating with other women, proof that has nothing to do with the incident that happened between you and him, and get it to your friend/the wife.....or you are going to just have to give up on convincing her of the truth. There is absolutely nothing you can say at this point that will make her believe you in the face of his "proof".

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I disagree with the notion that the BS doesn't want to know.

 

What we know for sure from what the OP posted, the Husband did a damn good job of gaslighting the wife. I'm sure he was very very convincing when he went through the painful process of letting her know that her best friend had been coming on to him for quite a while and that he had been hoping to spare her the pain of her friend"s betrayal and just hoped the whole thing would go away up until her friend propositioned him for sex while on the trip.

 

Then he backed it all up with emails from the OP.

 

add to this the fact that the OP waited a while before she told the wife what happened.

 

The wife has plenty of evidence that would lead her to believe her husband

 

This husband is a master manipulator.

 

OP I think you are going to either have to get some hard proof of his cheating with other women, proof that has nothing to do with the incident that happened between you and him, and get it to your friend/the wife.....or you are going to just have to give up on convincing her of the truth. There is absolutely nothing you can say at this point that will make her believe you in the face of his "proof".

 

Agreed. Go big or go home. You need undeniable proof or don't bother. It's a tough situation. I don't like the thought of your friend continuing to be betrayed, while you lose her friendship, and he wins via such huge manipulation. But I also hate the thought of you having to pay a PI and all that in order to get convincing proof. That's tough since you can't use a VAR, GPS, keylogger, etc.. My only thought on that is that he probably cheats on her all the time and a PI could probably catch him. Ugh. What a mess. I think it gets down to how much you care and how much money you can afford to spend.

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I would think about informing her that you would be more than happy to pay for a polygraph for her husband and yourself and then she can judge who is really telling the truth.

 

I actually did offer this but she never responded. I called our local police station and they don't have or use polygraphs. The nearest company is four hours away and they only come to my city when they have enough business to make it worthwhile. Which isn't very often and usually for a large business trying to get to the bottom of theft. I am supposed to he contacted if the tester is coming but it has been a while with no word.

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I would want to know.

'

BryanP's polygraph offer should make her think twice, especially if you offer to pay, at least for your own, and let them pay for his. That alone might plant a seed of doubt.

 

An anonymous letter may or may not make her investigate further. She might know it is coming from you. People consider the source, so if it is "anonymous" or from someone you don't trust, it might be discounted. If you know so much more about his past affair, as well as his current one, it wouldn't hurt to name names (and dates and times and locations, if you know them). The more proof you could offer up the more likely she is to believe it.

 

What does you writing the story about how you could be with her husband have to do with the situation?

 

I really don't know enough to go on. I wasn't an active part of the conversations. And it could be just gossip but after what happened with me I am more open to the idea. An example was of one converstion between a guy Inwas seeing and a few other people over dinner. Cheating came up and this one girl was talking about "how hard it is to find faithful people nowadays." the other girl began listing people who were with faithful men and she listed my friend and her "gorgeous husband". One of the guys choked on his pop and laughed. Said if "husband was faithful, he hated tonsee unfaithful". Curiousity was peaked and he said he knew of at least three women husband was involved with over the years. And he mentioned this new girl by name and said he was sure it wasn't platonic because the are alone a lot and he said they pass him on his commute to work in a near by city. Then everyone looked at me because they knew we had all been friends. The one girl asked me if this was true and I told her I didn't know and had never heard any stories while hanging out with them. The guy who had the info said he knew it was true and you be surprised at how many "good" men and women cheat. I was uncomfortable because it seemed by the looks everyone thought I was one of husband's conquests. It made me feel icky. But otherwise everything I have heard has been implied knowledge. That is why I thought if she could catch him red handed it would be best.

 

As to the story. I wanted people to know I am not innocent in this. I think my daydreams were why I let him kiss me. That and alcohal. I also wonder if he sensed my attraction and that gave him encouragement? Like I gave him interested signals I wasn't aware of. The story was in my head not written down.

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How would she have access to your 'fake' account to get these emails?

 

She didn't and I don't either! The fake emails were on her husband's account and the sender was a my alleged fake email addy. The thing was, it was a random name as the sender but it was signed by me in the actual email content. I told my friend I didn't have a fake account and "someone" was trying to make me look bad. But she didn't believe me. I think it was him. Anyone can make an email account. I am just surprised he went to so much work to frame me. It seems crazy!!!

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I think she'll automatically assume the anonymous letter is from you. That will make you look even crazier.

 

If you care enough to keep going, I think you'll have to keep digging and get proof yourself (or via a PI).

 

I thought of this. I have thought of some pretty crazy and illegal stuff but I was worried te PI would he going to far. I wondered though if he would give her any evidence without telling her who hired him. I'd tell her if she asked of course.

 

I was hoping as I haven't talked to her now in eight months if she wouldn't suspect me.

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Stay the heck out of it! Her husband's a jerk. He's clearly done this before or he wouldn't have prepped her for your confession. She doesn't want to know.

 

Leave it be & find different friends.

 

If people ask what happened, just say you all drifted apart.

 

I do have new friends. But i love my old friend. Not sexually but like a sister. And when I am reminded of her I get this ache in my stomach. It is harder for me to get over her than my ex fiance of ten years. Maybe because it was a false accusation. I don't know.

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How did she read emails with your name on them that you never sent? That part of your story doesn't make any sense.

 

From these eyes it seems you have two very simple options which do not require a lot of effort.

 

At this point the friendship is over, so what she thinks of you really doesn't matter. Contact her however you wish and just tell her what you have heard, and let her do the investigating herself. If she chooses to ignore it that is on her. Two, let it go.

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At this point the cards are stacked against you and when that happens only 100% honesty works-talk with her, tell her your side of the story and then offer to meet with her and her husband to hash it out- if he refuses to meet or meets and lies to your faces than at least you know you tried-at that point all you can do is move on and IF anything like that happens again, come clean right then and there-

 

Already done, minus his presence. And yes, should I ever be kissed by a married man I will slap his face and report it ASAP. But I had no idea he was like he was. Even after I found out he lied about me I didn't know he was a cheater. I thought he was just protecting his marriage. They have been a couple since highschool!

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You gave her the information about what happened with you. Although I personally think you should have stayed as far away from him as possible considering you had a crush on him.

 

The rest is up to her. Yes I am sure it does hurt that she doesn't believe you, but that is what happens with you mess with fire.

 

Stay out of their business and stay away from both of them. Quit with all the dirt digging. It doesn't effect you anymore.

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She didn't and I don't either! The fake emails were on her husband's account and the sender was a my alleged fake email addy. The thing was, it was a random name as the sender but it was signed by me in the actual email content. I told my friend I didn't have a fake account and "someone" was trying to make me look bad. But she didn't believe me. I think it was him. Anyone can make an email account. I am just surprised he went to so much work to frame me. It seems crazy!!!

 

 

That does seem like a lot of work for just 'guessing' you might eventually tell her what happened.

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How did she read emails with your name on them that you never sent? That part of your story doesn't make any sense.

 

From these eyes it seems you have two very simple options which do not require a lot of effort.

 

At this point the friendship is over, so what she thinks of you really doesn't matter. Contact her however you wish and just tell her what you have heard, and let her do the investigating herself. If she chooses to ignore it that is on her. Two, let it go.

 

I think he made or had a fake email account that he wrote letters from backing his story and then signed them from me. He told her I had been sendin him emails for a while but he had deleted the ones from before the camping trip but had kept the others. The email account is not mine. I told her this but she thinks I am lying. I told her anybody could have sent those emails but...

 

It has been over a year and I still haven't been able to let it go. I contacted her a while back and said I would always be willing to talk with her. She threatened me with a RO and said the only thing she was interested in was the "truth" and if I came clean maybe she would be willing to listen to me.

 

Have you ever been falsely accused? It isn't something I can just "get over"

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Agreed. Go big or go home. You need undeniable proof or don't bother. It's a tough situation. I don't like the thought of your friend continuing to be betrayed, while you lose her friendship, and he wins via such huge manipulation. But I also hate the thought of you having to pay a PI and all that in order to get convincing proof. That's tough since you can't use a VAR, GPS, keylogger, etc.. My only thought on that is that he probably cheats on her all the time and a PI could probably catch him. Ugh. What a mess. I think it gets down to how much you care and how much money you can afford to spend.

 

I care a lot and I can spend a lot but I don't want to do anything illegal. I feel like a bunny boiler! But this whole thing has messed me up.

 

I was doing better but the bits and pieces about him actively cheating on her stirred it all up again. The var and keylogger were illegal actions I was so tempted to make but I thought if I tipped her off maybe she would have enough doubt to give them a try.

 

FML

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That does seem like a lot of work for just 'guessing' you might eventually tell her what happened.

 

I think he knew when I didn't respond to his advances I was going to tell. His wife and I were like soul sisters.

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I think he made or had a fake email account that he wrote letters from backing his story and then signed them from me. He told her I had been sendin him emails for a while but he had deleted the ones from before the camping trip but had kept the others. The email account is not mine. I told her this but she thinks I am lying. I told her anybody could have sent those emails but...

 

It has been over a year and I still haven't been able to let it go. I contacted her a while back and said I would always be willing to talk with her. She threatened me with a RO and said the only thing she was interested in was the "truth" and if I came clean maybe she would be willing to listen to me.

 

Have you ever been falsely accused? It isn't something I can just "get over"

 

Through false rumors, yes, many times. If it is not true I don't waste my time or energy.

 

A year is a very long time to be dealing with this. It might be time to just let it go.

 

You have one card. Why did he wait to show her these 'emails' until the incident took place? It would show a dishonesty on his part, lying by omission.

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Through false rumors, yes, many times. If it is not true I don't waste my time or energy.

 

A year is a very long time to be dealing with this. It might be time to just let it go.

 

You have one card. Why did he wait to show her these 'emails' until the incident took place? It would show a dishonesty on his part, lying by omission.

 

He said he was trying to protect our sister friendship and was hoping it was just a phase and I would move on. Then I came on to him at the cabin and had got pissed when he refused my advances. I started threatening him. So he knew he had to tell his wife. She told me she was confused at first and waited to see what I would say. And then I basically played right into his hand my telling her about the kiss.

 

I realize this is her choice and everything. It just seems like he left her no hope of believing me.

 

All I guess I can hope for is he gets sloppy and caught.

 

BTW. Rumours are one thing. But you being seperated from your very best friend because of a false accusation is far worse.

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All I guess I can hope for is he gets sloppy and caught.

 

 

Seems so. You could still let her know what you have heard, and let her deal with it.

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BTW. Rumours are one thing. But you being seperated from your very best friend because of a false accusation is far worse.

 

I'm sure it is worse. But it would still seem like sincerity from a 'best friend' would go a long way.

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