Alejandra74 Posted October 6, 2013 Share Posted October 6, 2013 Long story which spans over 2 1/2 years. I'm involved with a single man and I'm married. It used to be very intense when he lived in my same town. However it got to be too much for him to share the woman he loved with someone else. He moved away for work. However the affair hasn't ended. We still feel very strongly about one another. He claims he never slept with anyone while we were together. We broke up and he slept with someone else. We see eachother when we can. He is in a rebound relationship now. It's weird because this woman is similar to me in many ways. It's like subconsciously he's trying to find someone like me though he denies it. Anyway loooong story short. He asked me to visit him in his new city. I told him I didn't want this new woman to visit the new place before I do. I told him I would visit next weekend. He said to visit the following so he would be more "settled". I just found out that she is visiting next weekend. Yes this whole thing is sordid and wrong. However I'm not here looking to be judged. Only thing I need to hear is "am I wrong for not wanting to visit now that I know she will be there before me"? I just think its gross for me to visit his new place before I do. Keep in mind he still loves me very much as I do him. Yet I don't like to be in his place after her. I just don't I should tell him I'm out. That it's over and I don't wish to seem him again. I can handle her wing in his life because I'm married. I can handle her being in his life because they live far apart. But I can't handle her visiting his new place and they "christening" his new place before me. I know. Completely twisted. Yet it is what it is. Link to post Share on other sites
Betrayed&Stayed Posted October 6, 2013 Share Posted October 6, 2013 Why don't you ask your husband what it feels like to have sloppy seconds? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted October 6, 2013 Share Posted October 6, 2013 I don't think it's "twisted" unless you're using that as a catch-all for unfair, unreasonable, illogical, etc. Which it is, which you seem to already know, which is your prerogative regardless. Would you be telling him you're out because you want to be out...or would it be more of an empty threat, hoping to get him to do what you want, manipulative tactic? Other thing to consider is that he knows how you feel about this yet has apparently gone ahead and made these plans, anyway. Maybe he's also looking for an excuse to get out? Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted October 6, 2013 Share Posted October 6, 2013 This should be in the OW/OM section. Most post in here are about the marriage not the affair. Btw, i think when you sign up for an affair relationship you basically give away any rights of being "first" or "exclusive" and yes i know those things are agreed upon but when engaged in an illicit relationship it is naive to think you can 100% trust I am a fWW As another fWW I agree with this. In my affair, I had a similar situation to the OP at one stage and when I got upset about it, the exOM just said something along the lines of "now you know how I feel" (I am pretty sure he did it to hurt me). At the moment you are not giving yourself 100% to either your husband or the OM. You therefore are in no position to demand 100% in return. A final thought for you. If you get so upset about this, I can promise you that the pain you feel is absolutely nothing compared to the pain your H would feel if/when he finds out about your affair. I suggest you use this time to re-evaluate your situation. If you want the OM to be totally yours, end your marriage. If you are not prepared to give the OM what he wants and he is trying to make a new life for himself, end the affair. You then need to decide whether you want to stay married and willing to work on that. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Scott Thomas Posted October 6, 2013 Share Posted October 6, 2013 Long story which spans over 2 1/2 years. I'm involved with a single man and I'm married. It used to be very intense when he lived in my same town. However it got to be too much for him to share the woman he loved with someone else. He moved away for work. However the affair hasn't ended. We still feel very strongly about one another. He claims he never slept with anyone while we were together. We broke up and he slept with someone else. We see eachother when we can. He is in a rebound relationship now. It's weird because this woman is similar to me in many ways. It's like subconsciously he's trying to find someone like me though he denies it. Anyway loooong story short. He asked me to visit him in his new city. I told him I didn't want this new woman to visit the new place before I do. I told him I would visit next weekend. He said to visit the following so he would be more "settled". I just found out that she is visiting next weekend. Yes this whole thing is sordid and wrong. However I'm not here looking to be judged. Only thing I need to hear is "am I wrong for not wanting to visit now that I know she will be there before me"? I just think its gross for me to visit his new place before I do. Keep in mind he still loves me very much as I do him. Yet I don't like to be in his place after her. I just don't I should tell him I'm out. That it's over and I don't wish to seem him again. I can handle her wing in his life because I'm married. I can handle her being in his life because they live far apart. But I can't handle her visiting his new place and they "christening" his new place before me. I know. Completely twisted. Yet it is what it is. Your feelings are completely normal and follow the general pattern of a married other woman. What do you want? Your husband or the OM? "Am I wrong for not wanting to visit now that I know she will be there before me"? No, you are absolutely right-why would you want to be the OM's second choice? Has he asked you to leave his husband and marry him? If no, then he's content on having sex with you while he searches for a faithful person for commitment. However it got to be too much for him to share the woman he loved with someone else. Darling, what about your husband? The woman he leaves is being 'shared' with another man without his consent. I can handle her wing in his life because I'm married. I can handle her being in his life because they live far apart. But I can't handle her visiting his new place and they "christening" his new place before me. Can you handle the fact that you promised your husband that you would love, cherish and honour him, yet you've cheated/lied/deceived him for the past two and a half years? Will you be able to handle the pain your betrayed husband feels when he discovers your affair? Will you be able to handle the fall out and the subsequent divorce? Will you be able to handle the fact that your reputation will always be tainted and your children will despise you for cheating on their father? Would you be able to handle the fact that your children may very well grow up in two different homes with step-parents and may blame you for everything? Christening his new place is far less important then the questions I've asked. I applaud your decision to post here-it shows that deep inside, you're still a brave woman who can differentiate between right and wrong. Some posters here have experienced infidelity and were cheated on; they will be very harsh on you. Do not get disheartened by their posts. A few former wayward wives have posted their stories here. You're best bet would be to contact them and seek their guidance. In any case, you need to decide what you want; your marriage or the other man? You can not have both and either decision will come with its own set of problems. Keep on posting and good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Scott Thomas Posted October 6, 2013 Share Posted October 6, 2013 Dear Alejandra, Read my post number 276 in Maybemine's thread in the OW forum. You might find some of the advice useful. Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted October 6, 2013 Share Posted October 6, 2013 Ask your husband if he will drive you to the OM's place. Do you even care about your husband? Get divorced so he can find someone new that loves him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted October 6, 2013 Share Posted October 6, 2013 Yes this whole thing is sordid and wrong. However I'm not here looking to be judged. Yes you are, just as long as the judgement goes in your favor. The benefit goes both ways too; bringing out others who claim betrayal is irresistible, beyond their control, or fated in your defense. Still, by embracing the 'sordid and wrong' you're hardening an already hard heart. Deep down you realize that if you continue to live this way, you'll stop feeling anything. You know this. Don't you? You cannot enjoy knowing that you're defenseless. Keep in mind he still loves me very much as I do him. Not as much as you love yourself. That's the real issue. The rest is denial. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted October 6, 2013 Share Posted October 6, 2013 Long story which spans over 2 1/2 years. I'm involved with a single man and I'm married. It used to be very intense when he lived in my same town. However it got to be too much for him to share the woman he loved with someone else. He moved away for work. However the affair hasn't ended. We still feel very strongly about one another. He claims he never slept with anyone while we were together. We broke up and he slept with someone else. We see eachother when we can. He is in a rebound relationship now. It's weird because this woman is similar to me in many ways. It's like subconsciously he's trying to find someone like me though he denies it. Anyway loooong story short. He asked me to visit him in his new city. I told him I didn't want this new woman to visit the new place before I do. I told him I would visit next weekend. He said to visit the following so he would be more "settled". I just found out that she is visiting next weekend. Yes this whole thing is sordid and wrong. However I'm not here looking to be judged. Only thing I need to hear is "am I wrong for not wanting to visit now that I know she will be there before me"? I just think its gross for me to visit his new place before I do. Keep in mind he still loves me very much as I do him. Yet I don't like to be in his place after her. I just don't I should tell him I'm out. That it's over and I don't wish to seem him again. I can handle her wing in his life because I'm married. I can handle her being in his life because they live far apart. But I can't handle her visiting his new place and they "christening" his new place before me. I know. Completely twisted. Yet it is what it is. Sounds like his rebound will get to break in his new digs before you, don't let it get you down, he's probably going to get a new car at some point, perhaps one with folding seats? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted October 6, 2013 Share Posted October 6, 2013 I am just curious but how would you feel if your husband was doing to you what you have been doing to him behind his back. Do you care whether or not that when your husband eventually finds out that he will divorce you? My guess is that if that happened your OM would run for the hills. He was probably with you because you were safe and he did not really have to commit. If he was the man of your dreams why did you not divorce your husband and marry him? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted October 6, 2013 Share Posted October 6, 2013 Why don't you ask your husband what it feels like to have sloppy seconds? Oh yes. ten Link to post Share on other sites
Scott Thomas Posted October 7, 2013 Share Posted October 7, 2013 Aagh, you guys scolded her and she ran away. She's gone and may never return to post here. Anyway, back to my tea.... Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 7, 2013 Share Posted October 7, 2013 "Need input from other married woman in affairs..." Well you're in the right place. Women around here are cheating in droves. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Alejandra74 Posted October 7, 2013 Author Share Posted October 7, 2013 Nope didn't run away. It isn't possible to marry the OM. I see I upset many of the BS here. Understandable. I posted my question on the other forum. Link to post Share on other sites
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