For betrayed husbands who reconciled or tried to

[ForeverTainted]

I know that everyone is different. Even men. But I also know that the wiring can be basic. I am hoping to get some insight into things so I can do my best at the "heavy lifting"

 

I've read books and searched the internet but I would like to hear from some real people who are in this or went through this.

 

What are some things your wife did that were helpful/unhelpful?

 

What are some things she could have done?

 

So far I confessed everything and wrote it all done. I did this for me at first because I know the memory can grow fuzzy and I wanted to retell things as close to what actually happened as possible.

 

I apologized and did not blame him in anyway. There was nothing to pin on him even if I wanted to. I guess I could have said "It was your fault for yelling at me when you were frustrated with our baby crying all night all those years ago." But that is just silly (and I yelled first)

 

I've answered all and any questions as best as I know the answers. I also told on my affair partner. I have him blocked on FB and deleted out of my phone. I don't memorize numbers well and I never memorized his and husband knows this.

 

My husband is a neat freak. I am not though I am not dirty I have a fair bit of clutter that follows me. Having kids has been hard on this as messes just follow them. So I have made an effort to meet his standards of cleanliness. I also try to take better care of my appearance as that really slipped after our first child. I even have done some "landscaping" (I blush) down there which is something I never did before and he really liked that.

 

I listen to him when he talks. I stop whatever I am doing and give him my full attention. I was always a multi-tasker before so this one is really hard for me. I do know that it bothered him before when I would have divided attention towards him.

 

Honestly, I don't know how long I can keep this up. Somethings are habit forming and getting easier. But things like biting my tongue when I am peeved at him is really hard. He also seems to miss me being chatty but that just seems forced on my part. I really have nothing to say anymore.

 

I feel like everything I am doing is outward and I am not getting anywhere. All perspectives welcome!!!

[BetrayedH]

I don't have much time to write (and I've been focused on other threads lately so I don't know your backstory) but wanted to say that it sounds like you are doing well. You are allowed to celebrate, you know?

 

I guess my one quick question is what your husband would say about your efforts? What would he say to stop, to start, or to continue?

[Jonah]

I couldn't hold it together so we split but I can say this.

 

Stay in shape, work the treadmill, do yoga, look great and don't nag. That's what your guy wants!

 

You're doing your part so let time work it's magic. Like my WS I think you think that its you, but really its him. What I mean to say is please do what you can to enjoy your life so that you can be happy. He is your husband thus as normal he wants you to be happy. So please be yourself, you don't have to bite your tongue but communicate. When he triggers, let him trigger... it will pass. "I'm sorry I hurt you" you know the words, they help a lot just say them. In my sick way, I did enjoy the extra doting and if I could go back I would have better embraced it, regret that the pain made me keep her at arms length so long that she finally left. But it is nice to be loved and I did feel extra loved by the way she regretted hurting me.

 

Sweet, sweet sex is really nice.

[RightThere]

As a BH, I take a very contrary approach.

 

The affair is a symptom of what was wrong in the marriage. Although it's important you do your portion of the heavy lifting, it is naive to think that he did not contribute to the failures of your marriage.

 

Let him know the times where he let you down or did not fulfill your needs. But in a loving and constructive way. He needs to grow as much as you do.

 

Otherwise you may find you spend all your time repairing the affair portion of your marriage breakdown, and no time on the other parts of your marriage breakdown to find you will end up in the same spot in the future.

 

It should be work for both of you, not just one of you.

[ChooseTruth]

I'm a BH who ended leaving my WW. Like I said in your other thread, it sounds like you are doing a good job.

 

From here just make sure you spend enough time together. Be cheerful, create good experiences together.

 

Don't burn yourself out, and don't underestimate the power of having been honest with your H and also going NC. Keep those two things up, I think they are vitally important.

 

If you want love, give it. Love him. it's good for you and him.

[drifter777]

You really should stop doing the things that you don't believe you can do for the rest of your life. These things you are forcing yourself to do are going to make you resentful towards your husband. It sounds like you already are. If you are serious about reconciliation - not just talking about it - you need marriage counseling. Yes, you have done a lot of the "right" things to prove that you are remorseful and willing to make amends, but when I read your posts it doesn't feel to me that you are completely committed to repairing your marriage. I think maybe you are just going through the motions because maybe your afraid of ending your marriage or out of guilt. If the two of you get into counseling you have a chance to find out if your marriage is worth saving. For both of you. It's time to get real and make some hard decision about how you want to live your life.

[Zenstudent]

As a BH, I take a very contrary approach.

 

The affair is a symptom of what was wrong in the marriage. Although it's important you do your portion of the heavy lifting, it is naive to think that he did not contribute to the failures of your marriage.

 

Let him know the times where he let you down or did not fulfill your needs. But in a loving and constructive way. He needs to grow as much as you do.

 

Otherwise you may find you spend all your time repairing the affair portion of your marriage breakdown, and no time on the other parts of your marriage breakdown to find you will end up in the same spot in the future.

 

It should be work for both of you, not just one of you.

I guess we're all different, and the above has been fully discussed in another thread. I enjoy working on myself, really, I do. But had my wife kept telling me that it was all my fau.... no, sorry, that "I did this and that, so that the marriage got in a bad shape, which lead her to consider cheating and that this decision was almost inevitable" I would have left her a while ago - so please don't do this without extra carefull consideration.

 

What I consider very important is RADICAL HONESTY and you really searching WITHIN YOURSELF to learn why you did this and what EXPLICIT actions you can take to prevent it from happening again and make him feel safe with you.

 

You sound genuine to me, just the fact that you're here searching for answers tells me a lot. So yes, you're worth saving. Good luck.

[dichotomy]

Some good discussion by some fellow BH's here. I do see alot of effort, the complete honesty, telling everything, answering everything, working hard, all the things you are doing to make it up to your husband. I never really got all that.

 

Some good things for me included of course NC including avoiding going to her hometown where OM lives, praise and compliments (including in front of friends), and great sex, putting in extra effort around the home.

 

Negatives included when I was not allowed to express anger or triggers and have her accept it humbly, and the many times sex was/is not good or it is absent.

 

I think the #1 thing I am left with is that often I feel I do not get what OM got from her - I wish I could put it simply - passion? Adoration? Yearning? Sexual kink? specific longing ? Not sure... but I feel that there are some "bests" she gave him that she won't or can't give me - and also there are some "bests" she got from him that I can't give her. I know that every relationship is different - every joining different - and the emotions, time and place make for things that are snap shots in time and may not be duplicated outside of that bubble. Every now and then, maybe for a few hours on a date night, after a few drinks, when she forgets she is a mom and wife, I enjoy a glimpse of who she was for him and I am both pleased and sad.

 

I guess what I am saying is that I want to know she is her best with me and for me. That our marriage is something special and beyond the one with OM in all ways.

Edited October 3, 2013 by dichotomy

[harrybrown]

Your husband's self esteem could have been erased, or be very shattered.

 

So He could really feel like number 2. Is he your backup plan? Why do you try to stay together if you want the OM and not your husband?

 

Why did you cheat? Your husband will wonder many things and I hope you have answered these questions.

 

How would you feel if the roles were reversed? Do you still love the OM?

 

It can take years to get over the pain, and it is never forgotten.

 

I do wish you well. If you and he can not survive, I hope you never cheat again. Get divorced first, before cheating. Find out what made it possible for you to break your wedding vows.

 

I do hope you have gone NC and do not keep secrets or hide things. Talk to your husband about how you feel that you can not keep doing these things. If the roles were reversed, you would want to know if this is a false R.

[road]

I know that everyone is different. Even men. But I also know that the wiring can be basic. I am hoping to get some insight into things so I can do my best at the "heavy lifting"

 

I've read books and searched the internet but I would like to hear from some real people who are in this or went through this.

 

What are some things your wife did that were helpful/unhelpful?

 

What are some things she could have done?

 

So far I confessed everything and wrote it all done. I did this for me at first because I know the memory can grow fuzzy and I wanted to retell things as close to what actually happened as possible.

 

I apologized and did not blame him in anyway. There was nothing to pin on him even if I wanted to. I guess I could have said "It was your fault for yelling at me when you were frustrated with our baby crying all night all those years ago." But that is just silly (and I yelled first)

 

I've answered all and any questions as best as I know the answers. I also told on my affair partner. I have him blocked on FB and deleted out of my phone. I don't memorize numbers well and I never memorized his and husband knows this.

 

My husband is a neat freak. I am not though I am not dirty I have a fair bit of clutter that follows me. Having kids has been hard on this as messes just follow them. So I have made an effort to meet his standards of cleanliness. I also try to take better care of my appearance as that really slipped after our first child. I even have done some "landscaping" (I blush) down there which is something I never did before and he really liked that.

 

I listen to him when he talks. I stop whatever I am doing and give him my full attention. I was always a multi-tasker before so this one is really hard for me. I do know that it bothered him before when I would have divided attention towards him.

 

Honestly, I don't know how long I can keep this up. Somethings are habit forming and getting easier. But things like biting my tongue when I am peeved at him is really hard. He also seems to miss me being chatty but that just seems forced on my part. I really have nothing to say anymore.

 

I feel like everything I am doing is outward and I am not getting anywhere. All perspectives welcome!!!

 

 

You are off to a good start. Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.

 

Never forget recovery is a 2 to 5 year job.

[RightThere]

I guess we're all different, and the above has been fully discussed in another thread. I enjoy working on myself, really, I do. But had my wife kept telling me that it was all my fau.... no, sorry, that "I did this and that, so that the marriage got in a bad shape, which lead her to consider cheating and that this decision was almost inevitable" I would have left her a while ago - so please don't do this without extra carefull consideration.

 

This is absolutely true. You cannot take the approach of "You didn't pay enough attention to me, so that let me to cheating." The faults in the marriage lead up to the point of cheating. But the actual cheating is a choice made by the WS.

 

However I refuse to take the approach some do where faults in the marriage are all secondary to the affair. Some BS will refuse to confront and work on their faults in the marriage until after the WS has done all the heavy lifting related to working on repairing the damage from the affair.

 

During the affair and shortly after D-Day, the WS has all the power. After the balance of power (is supposed to) shift to the BS while the WS does all the work to repair the affair damage. I don't believe true reconciliation can happen while there is such a significant imbalance of power.

 

I'm no expert here though. Other posters have definitely proven my theory on it wrong.

[Owl]

Ask him what more you can do to help him through this.

 

Show him that you "get it". That you truly understand what you've done, deeply regret it, and want to do everything in your power that you want to rebuild the damage done.

 

Be honest...even when you think telling a white lie might make him feel better.

 

The deception is the hardest thing to deal with...make sure you do NOTHING that comes across as deceptive again.

 

Volunteer to be an "open book" if that will help him rebuild his trust in you. Let him know where you're going, who you're with, what you're doing, and when you'll be back. Without him asking you to do so.

[drifter777]

Ask him what more you can do to help him through this.

 

Show him that you "get it". That you truly understand what you've done, deeply regret it, and want to do everything in your power that you want to rebuild the damage done.

 

Be honest...even when you think telling a white lie might make him feel better.

 

The deception is the hardest thing to deal with...make sure you do NOTHING that comes across as deceptive again.

 

Volunteer to be an "open book" if that will help him rebuild his trust in you. Let him know where you're going, who you're with, what you're doing, and when you'll be back. Without him asking you to do so.

 

OP: what Owl posted here is pretty basic stuff that I'm going to assume that these behaviors are not the ones you refer to when you say: "Honestly, I don't know how long I can keep this up". If showing him how remorseful you are or being an open book is something you don't think you can keep up much longer, you don't get it and you really should consider ending your marriage. I'll say it again, you need marriage counseling.

[ForeverTainted]

You really should stop doing the things that you don't believe you can do for the rest of your life. These things you are forcing yourself to do are going to make you resentful towards your husband. It sounds like you already are. If you are serious about reconciliation - not just talking about it - you need marriage counseling. Yes, you have done a lot of the "right" things to prove that you are remorseful and willing to make amends, but when I read your posts it doesn't feel to me that you are completely committed to repairing your marriage. I think maybe you are just going through the motions because maybe your afraid of ending your marriage or out of guilt. If the two of you get into counseling you have a chance to find out if your marriage is worth saving. For both of you. It's time to get real and make some hard decision about how you want to live your life.

 

The one I mentioned that was tough is biting my tongue. I don't feel that I am at a place where I can express my displeasure when my husband does something that annoys me. I have to swallow it and get over it. To be honest it is usually just petty things and I get over them quick. I really think it is my mental state that is at the breaking. I feel like everything I am doing is not even close to enough.

 

I think it is hard for me to express my emotions in words. And most of my posts are about my self loathing so it is all me, me, me. But that is why I am here. To talk about things I haven't been able to talk about with my husband. And maybe to get the courage to bring things up.

[ForeverTainted]

As a BH, I take a very contrary approach.

 

The affair is a symptom of what was wrong in the marriage. Although it's important you do your portion of the heavy lifting, it is naive to think that he did not contribute to the failures of your marriage.

 

Let him know the times where he let you down or did not fulfill your needs. But in a loving and constructive way. He needs to grow as much as you do.

 

Otherwise you may find you spend all your time repairing the affair portion of your marriage breakdown, and no time on the other parts of your marriage breakdown to find you will end up in the same spot in the future.

 

It should be work for both of you, not just one of you.

 

I did admit to the spark missing in our marriage to the point of me at times wondering if it was ever there. But I don't think our marriage had any real problems in it. We had sex, we talked, but I obviously wanted more and decided to destroy the good I had.

[Zenstudent]

I did admit to the spark missing in our marriage to the point of me at times wondering if it was ever there. But I don't think our marriage had any real problems in it. We had sex, we talked, but I obviously wanted more and decided to destroy the good I had.

Some people find it difficult to find the spark immediately after a major betrayal - just saying.

 

Since you wonder yourself why you did what you did, when you had a good relationship - let me throw an idea out there - it's based on my observations from my own relationship. We have very different views at life and the world. I'm satisfied with what I have in general, I don't envy people their achievements, status, money, "stuff" etc. While at the same time my wife often says "If only we had..." or "Why can''t we...XYZ when others can". I don't mind a bit of dust on the floor - it doesn't ruin my day, while my wife freaks out just by the sight of it.

 

A constant discontentment with major as well as minor things in your life feeds the "need" for something more. And the needs of the egoic mind isn't what you need in order to have a happy and fullfilling life, but instead they send you on a quest for what is missing in your life - "there must be something more out there - something I might miss out on, if I don't act now".

 

Does this make any sense? If it does, you'll also see my point in why I disagree with RightThere - you may bring up all kinds of small stuff with your husband, little things that annoy you, and he may adjust, but then something different will be annoying or un-satisfying to you. And that's why I say - fix what made you cross the line, the thoughts and beliefs, THEN you'll maybe find that what you truly need, you already have.

 

FT; keep posting your thoughts - it's quite therapeutical to reflect and get things on paper or screen.

[candie13]

I did admit to the spark missing in our marriage to the point of me at times wondering if it was ever there. But I don't think our marriage had any real problems in it. We had sex, we talked, but I obviously wanted more and decided to destroy the good I had.

 

You need to be specific about why you cheated. You need to understand what was missing and why you went outside your marriage to get it.

 

As for the relationship, OMG, it seems horribly one sided. Yes, you cheated and did a horrible thing, but you are TWO to keep the relationship together.

 

I dunno, it's like you are the wife, lover, mother, tutor, cleaning lady, personal entertainer all in one. You're human, it's normal to get tired. You give and give and give some more. You have to receive as well.

 

Try to seek a sort of balance, otherwise you'll wear yourself out and you will want out. Or you'll start hating your husband.

[soccerrprp]

I did admit to the spark missing in our marriage to the point of me at times wondering if it was ever there. But I don't think our marriage had any real problems in it. We had sex, we talked, but I obviously wanted more and decided to destroy the good I had.

 

I must admit that this response is the MOST disturbing of everything that has been discussed.

 

You simply don't know why or what compelled you to cheat....that is a scary thought imho. Cheating is bad enough, but w/o a reason to place a pulse on is disheartening and discouraging for anyone, I think. I wonder if your husband is having as much difficulty with this as the actual cheating?

[michelangelo]

My now ex-wife never, ever, ever brought up her lengthy affair to speak to me about it even though I insisted I wanted that.

 

I wanted it because I was tired of being her interrogator. But I wanted details that she dribbled out or glossed over.

 

Ultimately, her lack respect for me was too much to deal with anymore.

 

I gave her so many chances to fix things with me and she deliberately either ignored them or actively went the other direction despite talking a good game about her intentions.

 

Blah, blah, blah.