Confusion_Reigns Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 I am going to post here instead. I want to talk to him soooo very badly but I will not.... H and I are arguing again. H is mad that I didn't have sex with him this morning. We have had sex nearly every day for months and I just don't want to anymore...it's not fun, it's not exciting, it's not warm or loving...and I don't want to. So H's in a passive/aggressive mode...slamming around the house and he won't talk to me about anything....so it's just all crap right now. And I want so badly to call Mr. Amazing...to talk to him and get some comfort from him...but I won't...I'm going to try to do this the right way and not contact him.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
rumbleseat Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 I am going to post here instead. I want to talk to him soooo very badly but I will not.... H and I are arguing again. H is mad that I didn't have sex with him this morning. We have had sex nearly every day for months and I just don't want to anymore...it's not fun, it's not exciting, it's not warm or loving...and I don't want to. So H's in a passive/aggressive mode...slamming around the house and he won't talk to me about anything....so it's just all crap right now. And I want so badly to call Mr. Amazing...to talk to him and get some comfort from him...but I won't...I'm going to try to do this the right way and not contact him.... It sounds like you are making a wise decision, but have you also considered getting some "real life" therapy for yourself, even if that means just sitting down for a coffee and talking things over with a good female friend or trusted family member? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
yellowmaverick Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 And I want so badly to call Mr. Amazing Someone who screws a married woman and helps to betray her spouse is not, by any stretch of the imagination, "amazing". Maybe your betrayed husband is seeing some of this bullsh*t from you and that is the source of his frustration?? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
NotCamelot Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 I have been in his shoes. I can understand. Maybe you did not want to have sex. But it means more to him than "sex". That's what you don't understand. I think that if you talked to him in a loving and kind way he'd be more understanding of why you did not want to. Also, find other ways to show him that he is what you want. I had my wife "in bed" at least once a day for 15 months after D-day. For me, I THINK, it was a reassurance that it was me she wanted. A reconnecting. Be careful. These "mental" things are not so easy to turn off.....though quite easily turned on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 So your Mr. wonderful, did he give you an std? If he will cheat with you, he will lie and cheat on you. Did you get tested for stds? Your POSOM is not a good person or a good man. He is a cheating lying POS. You are in the affair fog. You had to make him wonderful and your husband with all the faults so that you could convince yourself that by cheating that there was not something wrong with you. Have you looked inside to see what is wrong with you for ripping your husband's heart out of his chest, and setting it on fire? Your husband is twice the man that your Mr. wonderful POSOM because he is still with you, when he should have made you and POSOM have each other. GET your head out of the fog. Go to counseling so you can find out why you made vows to your husband and will not keep them. Are there things that you would do for your Mr. wonderful that you will not do for your husband? Yes, even if you did not feel like it, if Mr. wonderful called, you would lie and cheat. Why don't you do something wonderful for your husband? How about never cheat on him like your promised when you married him? Oh too late, set him free, get a divorce and let him find someone good enough for him, that they would not cheat and break their promises. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confusion_Reigns Posted October 2, 2013 Author Share Posted October 2, 2013 For clarification sake: I have never slept with Mr. Amazing and he has never suggested this to me. There is a line that is not crossed. If you are truly interested in posting in this thread I'd appreciate if you'd read a bit of the back story. Oh, if you could only be a fly on the wall in my bedroom you'd understand...maybe...but then I know you're all posting from your own personal perspectives and situations...that truly are not a part of my situation... I have never cheated, my wonderful husband has cheated twice that I know of....and probably plenty more that I don't know of...but regardless of that I KNOW that my friendship with this man, Mr. Amazing, isn't as pure as it should be...and that's why I'm posting here instead of calling him. ...and even if your W said no to sex ONE night would you flip the f out? Threaten to not come home? Slam out the bedroom? Put the fear of physical harm on her? Slam out the front door? Peel away in your truck at top speed? ALL WHILE YOUR 16 YO SON IS TRYING TO GET READY FOR SHCOOL?? yea, sounds pretty amazing, don't you think? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confusion_Reigns Posted October 2, 2013 Author Share Posted October 2, 2013 I met my H when I was 21 yrs old. He was my first real boyfriend, I had dated two others prior to him and both of them cheated on me,too. I grew up without any mother figure, there was no woman in my life to tell me what to expect with it comes to men, dating, marriage, etc. I got this info from watching my older sister go thru very abusive relationships and from my friends who were just as old as I was. I didn’t know that if the man slams on the breaks and you jump out of the car trying to get away and he runs around to you to hold you and kiss you that it wasn’t *love* that made him do that…I didn’t know…and I wish I did. But I didn’t. and this is where I’m at. I moved away with him…and he started to tell me things like “If you ever leave me…it doesn’t matter where you go, I’ll find you” …and he started to hit me. This progress over the years to me being dragged up the stairs when I was 6 months pregnant because I was trying to kick all the partiers out of my house as it was late and I had to work in the morning…and progressed even more to him punching me in the face, choking me so I couldn’t breath…and him messing with my car so I couldn’t go anyplace… He’s cheated on me twice that I know of and probably many other times that I don’t know of… …and typing all of this makes me want to talk to my friend even more….it’s making me cry because I’ve wasted my life with this husband of mine…for what? For the sake of doing the RIGHT thing? Of keeping the family together? Is it right for me to want comfort from the only really NICE guy I’ve met in a long time? I am TRYING to face reality here…Mr. Amazing is helping me by being honest and nice and kicking my butt when it needs kicking….I’m telling you that the state I’m in right now Mr. Amazing *could* very easily take advantage of me…but he’s not…he’s not trying to…and I am so very thankful for that…that there’s really is a man who isn’t all about what he can get from me or take from me….all he’s ever wanted was some of my time, to sit and talk together…and I want so badly to just give him a call…but I won’t…I won’t… Link to post Share on other sites
Furious Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 It seems as though you need a white knight in shining armour to save you. Listen to me...you are the only one who can save yourself. You seem to be afraid to leave your abusive husband without a man in the wings to save you. You are not a prisoner to your husband's dysfunction. Start off by planning ahead. See a lawyer and become informed as to your legal rights. Gets your ducks in order and prepare yourself for divorce. If you need a hero just look in the mirror. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confusion_Reigns Posted October 2, 2013 Author Share Posted October 2, 2013 Thank you, really...but I don't want need or desire a Knight in Shinning Armor to save me....really. I barely want my husband...and I know I have to save myself. The leaving...it's really not the divorce that worries me...it's not living alone or being responsible for myself....it's not the financial worries...really it all boils down to my kids. My flesh and blood. MY flesh and blood. I brought these young people into this world...I am obligated to be the very best mama I can be to both of them...and I try so hard to be that....and they really don't know the half of this situation...the look at their dad like he is a hero...and he IS their hero...all this crap is between him and I...and so do I put my happiness over their happiness? Do I put my well-being over their well-being? and I'm pretty positive that my own family breaking up, my own mother walking away for her own happiness...and all that followed is also a major reason for me being here in this situation. Link to post Share on other sites
yellowmaverick Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 …and typing all of this makes me want to talk to my friend even more….it’s making me cry because I’ve wasted my life with this husband of mine…for what? For the sake of doing the RIGHT thing? Of keeping the family together? Is it right for me to want comfort from the only really NICE guy I’ve met in a long time? Sounds like an emotional affair. It's not wrong to seek advice and comfort, BUT it is wrong to seek this emotional support from this other man. You know it, or you wouldn't have called him your "other man". You need to evaluate your relationship with your husband independent of your feelings for your OM. If you feel like you are wasting your life with him, get out of the marriage. Stop being a martyr and get your life - honorably and with integrity. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ForeverTainted Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 Never stay with an abuser for kids even if he doesn't show it to the kids. Because children can feel the environment. There are thousand of stories where the child resents their mother for staying for the abuse and often they step in to "protect". You need to leave for yourself and for them. What your husband does is not good. And it is not a good example for his children. You are emotionally involved with Mr.Amazing. He is your escape. He may genuinely be trying to help you but his presence is becoming your escape. You need to be honest with yourself and discover why you are staying in this toxic environment. And not blame "being a good mamma" because that is just your scape goat. I know you think you are doing what is best for them but logically and rationally you are not so you need to rethink things. What you are teaching your kids is that it is okay to not respect your partner. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confusion_Reigns Posted October 2, 2013 Author Share Posted October 2, 2013 (edited) The only reason I called him my OM was for clarities sake here on this forum. I see him as my friend, not my OM...and I have told him this. I never thought of myself as a martyr. I know what I'm doing...I've made the choice to be in this marriage....I decided awhile ago that I'd stay in this marriage until the youngest was 18 yo...and this choice was made so that I don't have any ties to my husband and so that he has nothing to hold over my head....and then I met my friend....and I question myself and my choices...and am confused now as to what I want vs. need to do. again, do I put my own well-being over that of my children? ADDING: You need to be honest with yourself and discover why you are staying in this toxic environment. I agree and this is what I'm trying to figure out. Edited October 2, 2013 by Confusion_Reigns Link to post Share on other sites
Furious Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 Thank you, really...but I don't want need or desire a Knight in Shinning Armor to save me....really. I barely want my husband...and I know I have to save myself. The leaving...it's really not the divorce that worries me...it's not living alone or being responsible for myself....it's not the financial worries...really it all boils down to my kids. My flesh and blood. MY flesh and blood. I brought these young people into this world...I am obligated to be the very best mama I can be to both of them...and I try so hard to be that....and they really don't know the half of this situation...the look at their dad like he is a hero...and he IS their hero...all this crap is between him and I...and so do I put my happiness over their happiness? Do I put my well-being over their well-being? and I'm pretty positive that my own family breaking up, my own mother walking away for her own happiness...and all that followed is also a major reason for me being here in this situation. Ideally an intact family is the best thing for everyone. But a dysfunctional and abusive family environment is a recipe for more damage than good. I urge you to seek counselling, your parents issues are still affecting you and you're basing your predicament in light of that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confusion_Reigns Posted October 2, 2013 Author Share Posted October 2, 2013 To be honest...I'm afraid, too...of what will really happen....really, I have no one to protect me from him, from my husband...if he gets crazy like that...I don't know how to protect myself from him...and that might not go down that way at all...maybe he'll just walk away and leave me alone...maybe... Oh, I'd NEVER expect anyone to protect me, I'd NEVER want my friend to step into my life like this either as that is just not right. There is no place I can hide and I wouldn't hide anyway....I just don't see the point...and besides this is my HOME land...where I've lived my whole life, where my family has lived since forever... this just sucks. Link to post Share on other sites
Jonah Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 For clarification sake: If you are truly interested in posting in this thread I'd appreciate if you'd read a bit of the back story. CR, you can learn to ignore the ignorant posts, right? They really are meaningless and you can just skip to the next post without having to read the whole thing. They are trying to get your gourd in your weakest moment here... it's what they live for so just ignore them and you win! The reality is that if they tried to walk in your shoes they would stumble and fall. But you are making it, living a life and making the best of it. Thank you for sharing your challenges here. It helps us all. Jonah Link to post Share on other sites
Jonah Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 Your H is a bully and a coward, he is going to cry a plenty when you finally get the guts to leave, and when that doesn't work he will revert back into bully mode again. I wouldn't look down on any woman who took up with another man in this circumstance. In fact I would be glad that she found a way to have some comfort. Go ahead and call your friend. You're not a wife, you are a hostage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confusion_Reigns Posted October 4, 2013 Author Share Posted October 4, 2013 Well…we’re still arguing but it’s those weird rug-sweeping type of arguments. Up most of the night on Wednesday…I didn’t hold back my words and told him a lot of things…we broke up that night…I told him to leave and he agreed…he said he’s start packing the next day…now it’s Friday and he’s trying to act like every things just fine…like nothing happened. I just get so aggravated with him! And myself! Do I just keep pushing til he leaves? Do I wait for the next time…cuz we both know there will be a next time…do I pack my stuff and leave? I know that I just need to be firm and not let this go…and not let him rug sweep…I know I need to do this…wish me luck in sticking to my guns. I did end up txting my friend last night…just hello and he helloed back…and that’s that. I didn’t tell him about arguing with my H…but it was nice to just talk a bit. Link to post Share on other sites
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