on Shame

[katielee]

I wonder if what we’re feeling when we trigger is shame. Shame for staying with this person who hurt us so much. Saying, it’s ok to the abuser, keeping our head on straight and continuing to be in a relationship with them....

 

 

 

But mostly, having to deal with saying that this is ok TO OURSELVES! More betrayal….

[drifter777]

I wonder if what we’re feeling when we trigger is shame. Shame for staying with this person who hurt us so much. Saying, it’s ok to the abuser, keeping our head on straight and continuing to be in a relationship with them....

 

 

 

But mostly, having to deal with saying that this is ok TO OURSELVES! More betrayal….

This is me. It's why forgiveness is an impossibility because for me, I would be telling her that what she did is now "ok". I'm reaching a state of acceptance in that I accept that what she did was disgusting and selfish and hurtful but that she has proven for many years that she is no longer that person. When something triggers my memories of d-day and those first horrible weeks after, I feel tremendous anger at myself and am so ashamed that I didn't just dump her and move on. I'll never forgive her and I'll never forgive myself.

[katielee]

I feel tremendous anger at myself and am so ashamed that I didn't just dump her and move on. I'll never forgive her and I'll never forgive myself.

 

this is a place where no one should be... I'm so sorry you're here. And I hope I can move beyond this place myself.

[2sure]

That was it for me. While we were married it was shame that I didn't catch on quicker. Shame that I partnered with someone so deceitful. After the divorce it was shame that I stayed as long as I did.

 

I think if you reconcile or divorce, the first part of forgiveness is forgiving yourself. For doing that to yourself. And it's hard, I don't know that anyone lse can help you with that.

[Betterthanthis13]

That was it for me. While we were married it was shame that I didn't catch on quicker. Shame that I partnered with someone so deceitful. After the divorce it was shame that I stayed as long as I did.

 

I think if you reconcile or divorce, the first part of forgiveness is forgiving yourself. For doing that to yourself. And it's hard, I don't know that anyone lse can help you with that.

 

exactly this for me too, except I was not married to my ex.

[drifter777]

this is a place where no one should be... I'm so sorry you're here. And I hope I can move beyond this place myself.

I see my inability to forgive her as a fact that cannot change. Maybe my definition of forgiveness is different from yours, but to me it is validating the WS's cheating. I will never accept that what she did is ok. As I've said, I have pretty much come to accept that she is not the person she was back then and has proven it over many years. I also understand a lot of the reasons why I didn't end the marriage.

 

Lots of people are in this place in that they never completely forgive and regret their decision to stay.

[katielee]

Lots of people are in this place in that they never completely forgive and regret their decision to stay.

 

ugh, so sad...

[Betterthanthis13]

I see my inability to forgive her as a fact that cannot change. Maybe my definition of forgiveness is different from yours, but to me it is validating the WS's cheating. I will never accept that what she did is ok. As I've said, I have pretty much come to accept that she is not the person she was back then and has proven it over many years. I also understand a lot of the reasons why I didn't end the marriage.

 

Lots of people are in this place in that they never completely forgive and regret their decision to stay.

 

You really think forgiving is "validating the WS's cheating"? I don't think that at all....

[ChooseTruth]

I wonder if what we’re feeling when we trigger is shame. Shame for staying with this person who hurt us so much. Saying, it’s ok to the abuser, keeping our head on straight and continuing to be in a relationship with them....

 

 

 

But mostly, having to deal with saying that this is ok TO OURSELVES! More betrayal….

So which part of the triangle are you? I look at your first thread (from 3 years ago) and you seem to be WW, then next thread you are OW? Now you seem to be BS? Just confused about the background here.

 

I did have shame for being a sucker for a while, letting her go to classes with her OM. All that's gone now since we split. Very little shame, except for some yelling I did.

[katielee]

Choose, I'm beyond the shame of being a wayward, gave him a "gimme" for one affair, ashamed for being here still for his second affair, I guess you could say....

[Spark1111]

So tell him that!

 

tell him okay I did, then you did.....I will come to terms with that over TIME.

 

NOW, explain to me why you did it again? What were you trying to prove? Why did you have TOU punish me AGAIN?

 

Why are you still so angry at me, or are you feeling self-entitled to punish me for life?

 

EXPLAIN to me WHY I should stay here with you? Do I NOW need to have a second affair to even the score? Are you a scorekeeper? That's DEATH to a marriage.

 

Put it on the table Katie...Ball in his court.

 

No marriage can survive with score keeping, tit for tat, power struggles and one-up game ship.

 

What does he want? Kick the ball to his court. If he needs to continue to punish you....Game over. It will never work. That's abuse. he deals with his anger today, or you are taking your ball and leaving the court...DIVORCE.

[katielee]

Spark - as far as I know, he is done with the punishing, and I don't think he sees it like that. He sees his affairs as something he did for external validation because he was so down on himself and emasculated from what I did. He knows what he did was wrong.

I asked him last night if he was ever angry at himself for staying. He said he used to be but not now. I said I was struggling with that now. He understood and is so sad.

I also mentioned that no matter what he did, I have no right to act out and do something angry myself. I apologized for my two things I did do: right hooked him the second I found out, and threatened to call my AP - not good.

 

So, I can see where the BS has an internal wrestling match going on inside them. That said, we have no right to do angry things. He did. He may have not done what he did for revenge. But I'm sure he justified what he did based on my actions. More unhealthy stuff. And I can't be with unhealthy.