Am I worth saving?

[ForeverTainted]

Hello, everyone. I have wanted to join LoveShack for some time but a few things have held me back.

 

1. I have a bit of internet paranoia. I worry about people recognizing me on forums. And this forum comes up in google fairly often. I realize that I am but one of billions of internet users but I still struggle. Because of this I may appear a bit vague from time to time. Please bare with me. I even have my FB account on lock-down and deactivate it from time to time.

 

2. I have seen responses that are harsh but true. I can handle those but I have also seen responses that basically fit in with the subject of this thread. I have been afraid of opening up myself to judgement. Even if it is just faceless internet personas.

 

3. I have thought that posting here may just drag me down more.

 

I have decided to go ahead and post anyways. I am here often enough as it is. Reading and reading. Arguing with people in my head and saying ouch to other comments.

 

I am the cheater in my marriage. I have been married in the 5-10 year range and have children. My job is very part time and most of my time is as primary care giver. I have no career and so we cannot afford me to work more. My husband as a good job. He is home every evening and weekends and never travels. We spend as much time with each other as possible.

 

The spark went out of our marriage after our children were born. Our oldest had health issues that required frequent trips to the doctor and even a hospital stay. Everything has resolved itself but it was a hard road of it. Thankfully our other kids were the picture of health but our youngest and last was very clingy and needy (and still is!).

 

Sometimes I wonder if we really every had "chemistry". The thought would drift through my mind from time to time but I would assure myself that our companionship and compatibility outweighed lust by a mile. He was my first boyfriend and I never wanted anyone else. When we dated it was like I had blinders on to all other guys. If I noticed a handsome dude it did nothing but was more an observation. This carried on into our marriage. I did not like being away from my husband for more than a day of work required. I did go on a few trips without him but we would skype and text a lot. I do think he is very handsome.

 

Then last year I met this married man. He was friends of a friend and I am not sure how we had never met before. He was very friendly towards me and we talked a bit. I felt something inside spark when he was near. I ignored it. But he took an interest in my husband and I and invited us over to his place. We began "couple dating". playing games, watching movies, doings lots of stuff together. It was really nice to have and I got along well with his wife. I just ignored my attraction to him and thought if I didn't feed it by daydreaming or talking exclusively to him it would go away.

 

He started looking at me more and more. But I told myself I was being crazy and imagining things because I felt this electricity between us. One night we all got carried away drinking and I went to the bathroom to throw up. He followed me in while my husband was chilling outside visiting. He rubbed my back while I puked and held my hair back. Everything was blurry but I remember these clear thoughts.

 

1.This is wrong

2.This feels good

3.I remember my husband doing this for me

 

When I was done he helped me to a bed to crash in. His hands lingered on me and then he left. I fell asleep immediately. When I woke up the next day I couldn't quite tell if it had happened or I dreamed it. I did something stupid then. I asked him via text messaging and he said it did happen and he apologized. All I could think about was how electrifying his touch had been and I told him not to be sorry. I had liked it.

 

That is how the A started. It ended when he said we needed a break. He expected us to pretend it never happened but I couldn't. During my whole affair I kept thinking about my husband and how he didn't deserve this awful treatment. I didn't get into the whole thing wanting to leave my husband but during it, and mostly at the end, I started thinking how much I wanted to have that sexual charge I had been missing out on. I never told my affair partner that I loved him directly but we did talk about falling in love a few times. We would always say we loved our spouses but our actions said otherwise.

 

I did tell my husband about the affair in the end. My affair partner was quite upset with me. He was even more upset when my husband asked me to tell his wife. They are still together and I don't think his wife believed me. I wish I could say I don't care but I do. I feel like this is something I can never recover from.

 

I no longer think of the time with him as wonderful and amazing. I no longer crave that chemistry. Truth be told I feel physically sick whenever I am reminded of how I let him touch me. I feel like a fool when I think about how easily I gave in to lust.

 

My husband wants us to work on our marriage. But we are trying to find a marriage counselor who won't break the bank. But I think i gave away my chance at true, innocent happiness when I let a man who was not my husband, who is less than my husband, touch me. And it doesn't help that I am the only one to blame.

[Bryanp]

I think you sound very remorseful and I commend you for telling your husband and informing his wife. I do hope that you and your husband have been tested for STD's. I believe that it is important for the both of you to start communicating and working hard to reignite your love. In the future if you ever find yourself in such a situation always ask yourself how you would feel if the your husband was thinking of doing to you what you were thinking of doing to him. I wish you luck.

[ForeverTainted]

I think you sound very remorseful and I commend you for telling your husband and informing his wife. I do hope that you and your husband have been tested for STD's. I believe that it is important for the both of you to start communicating and working hard to reignite your love. In the future if you ever find yourself in such a situation always ask yourself how you would feel if the your husband was thinking of doing to you what you were thinking of doing to him. I wish you luck.

 

We used protection but I got tested anyways when I had my pap done. I don't know what to do to reignite my love. I feel like I broke myself beyond fixing. I am in individual counseling with a shrink covered by medical but it is up soon and I feel no further ahead. He, my shrink, focuses a lot on my marriage but it doesn't seem to be going past my head.

 

The last part I kept telling myself over and over during my affair. And my answer was that I would love to swing. But I don't want that anymore and not because I don't want to share my husband but because I am back to thinking of it as icky and not the lifestyle I want. That I cannot separate sex and emotions.

 

I feel like I became a totally different person and now I don't even want to look in the mirror.

[ComingInHot]

You are More than worth saving! Question is, are you ready to BE Saved?!?

 

Sometimes the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Please do Not let this define who you Are TODAY. Yes. It will be w/you forever BUT it doesn't have to Be you or rule over you.

 

Your H is ready & Willing to give the M a shot. Are You?

 

Unfortunately, there are consequences to our actions both good and bad. You may have A-lot of heavy lifting to do for a long time.

 

So, pull up your big girl pants and start lifting... yourself, your H, your children, your M.

You are worthy of a second chance (I think*)!!

Now get to work;)

 

PS; if you want that spark, bring the fuel*

[AlwaysGrowing]

You clearly stated that you had chemistry with your husband for most of your relationship.

 

Having to deal with health issues with a child is draining. Everyone has an increased vulnerability to have an affair or use other poor coping skills during this time. Neither party has emotional energy to spend on themselves, let alone their mate.

 

It is difficult when we hurt ourselves, spouse and children. To own that takes great courage. You have that courage.

 

You posted here, you told your husband, you told the mm's wife, you are going to IC..all courageous acts.

 

Yes, you are worth saving.

[ForeverTainted]

You are More than worth saving! Question is, are you ready to BE Saved?!?

 

Sometimes the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Please do Not let this define who you Are TODAY. Yes. It will be w/you forever BUT it doesn't have to Be you or rule over you.

 

Your H is ready & Willing to give the M a shot. Are You?

 

Unfortunately, there are consequences to our actions both good and bad. You may have A-lot of heavy lifting to do for a long time.

 

So, pull up your big girl pants and start lifting... yourself, your H, your children, your M.

You are worthy of a second chance (I think*)!!

Now get to work;)

 

PS; if you want that spark, bring the fuel*

 

Doing things, outward things, has not been all that hard. I did everything suggested on here. I have been no contact since I told his wife about the affair. I have no money of my own as my husband manages all our money including my income so he isn't worried about secret phones or the like. He has asked me a lot of hard questions and I have answered as best I could. I just feel like I need to do more. And that there has to be some way to end the pain inside of me.

 

And how does one bring "fuel" to a relationship? I have read so many books my mind feels bogged down. We have date nights, we have sex, we talk a lot about anything and everything. He really is my best friend. So all I can really think is that what happened with my affair person was purely lust and I just was not prepared for it. Momentary gratification I guess you could say. It felt good at the time but left a gnawing emptiness in its wake.

[ForeverTainted]

You clearly stated that you had chemistry with your husband for most of your relationship.

 

Having to deal with health issues with a child is draining. Everyone has an increased vulnerability to have an affair or use other poor coping skills during this time. Neither party has emotional energy to spend on themselves, let alone their mate.

 

It is difficult when we hurt ourselves, spouse and children. To own that takes great courage. You have that courage.

 

You posted here, you told your husband, you told the mm's wife, you are going to IC..all courageous acts.

 

Yes, you are worth saving.

 

Thank you. I think I need to accept I did what I did but I am having a hard time. And some days are better than others.

[ForeverTainted]

I realize that in betraying my husband, I betrayed myself. Now I have a split personality. The part of me that sees what I did was so very wrong and wants to make it better. And the part of me that was betrayed and can't understand how I was so selfish and stupid. I also betrayed a friend, his wife. And I betrayed my children by not being a good example and risking the family.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I realize that in betraying my husband, I betrayed myself. Now I have a split personality. The part of me that sees what I did was so very wrong and wants to make it better. And the part of me that was betrayed and can't understand how I was so selfish and stupid. I also betrayed a friend, his wife. And I betrayed my children by not being a good example and risking the family.

 

 

I see it the flip way around. That you betrayed yourself first, and the betrayal to your husband was collateral damage.

 

Working on forgiving yourself is difficult. Its easier to forgive someone else, than ourselves.

 

You mention split personality. Do you know the Tale of Two Wolves?

 

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life:

 

“A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.”It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”

 

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: “Which wolf will win?”

 

You might heard the story ends like this: The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

[ComingInHot]

FT, you have not forgiven yourself yet. You are punishing yourself.

You may have to forgive yourself Infinity X's Ten before it takes for good.

 

So, chemistry, spark, CREATIVITY vs. Books on sex,. How to w/sex. Positions on sex.... Probably have some good tips & hints for sure (have learned a couple myself from books "nudge nudge, wink wink").

Books are not people. They're not You and Your H.

Anyone human and animal can have sex.

 

So, think... what makes it sex, Sexy, Fun and Exciting for you? And for your H?

Is he looking at you the same way you've been looking at him?? Bored?!?!

 

The chemical buzz of attraction is almost untoppable BUT it does change w/time just like w/every "high" ie; sky diving, cocaine, roller coasters etc... So, then what?!

Change the drug or high of choice? Or approach it in a different way**

 

Just be Yourself. Allow Your H to be Himself. Lay all your dirty little "hot" buttons on the table then TALK about it!!! Honestly!!

He just might surprise you. (my H SURE DID ) LOL

 

Bring toys, when you're ready* really, bring toys, they are waaaay more fun shared.

 

FT, I'm embarrassed OUT of my skin right now sharing this BUT it is what you asked.

[ChooseTruth]

FT, from what you've said I'm jealous. My xWW didn't give me what you gave your BH. He's still there working with you isn't he? I think that's a good sign. I think there is hope and that you are worth saving. I don't say that to all WSs on here. Many of them make me turn red with anger and I end up with what feels like a lump in my stomach. So far you sound like you are really trying and have given your M a fighting chance by coming clean. The steps you have taken, though hard, are really the best way towards restoring trust and keeping your family intact. That is the best thing I think.

[ForeverTainted]

I should clarify the split personality thing:

 

When I see people post "kick them to the curb" no matter how sorry the cheater is or what the circumstances are, I think. "yeah, all cheaters deserve to live a life alone and full of regret."

 

But when I see remorseful cheaters post on here and their betrayed spouse isn't interested in reconciliation I think "Give them a second change, people can change and regret past behavior"

 

I want a second chance but I don't think I deserve one. I don't know think I will ever be able to forgive myself. It has been months but I still disgust me. I can't even imagine how disgusted my husband is.

 

Don't worry, I am not wallowing in self pity. When my husband gets home we hug and kiss and share about our day. I smile, genuinely. It is just when things are quiet because the kids are occupied or late at night when my husband is snoring next to me that I feel myself being sucked into a very dark pit of self loathing.

[AlwaysGrowing]

FT, do you respect your husband? Do you think he is a just person? Do you value his opinion?

 

He seems to feel that you are worthy. Can you trust and believe in that?

[ForeverTainted]

FT, do you respect your husband? Do you think he is a just person? Do you value his opinion?

 

He seems to feel that you are worthy. Can you trust and believe in that?

 

I don't know. That is a different thought for sure. I don't think I am convinced he could forgive me. That one day he will look at me and realize he didn't sign up to be married to a cheater.

[AlwaysGrowing]

For true intimacy we have to allow ourselves to be vulnerable.

 

Share these thoughts with him. You might find he has similar thoughts.

[Betterthanthis13]

Of course you are worth "saving". You are a human being who is struggling. You are not all screwed up in a world where everyone else is perfect. We are all a little screwed up. Posting on here shows tremendous courage given your paranoia about anonymity (I get that too, so I understand...lol)

 

Take a deep breath, it sounds like you are doing pretty well so far. In what ways do you think you could improve? What do you want to work on?

[harrybrown]

Your husband may be hurting more than you will ever know. He will never forget and it may haunt him the rest of his life.

 

I do hope you gave him a written timeline of the affair. If you did things with the AP, POSOM, that you would not do with your husband, how would you feel if he were the one that had the affair?

 

You did some wonderful things for the AP. What can you do for your husband? He had his heart ripped out. Believe me, I know.

[road]

OP, get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.

 

Recovery takes 2 to 5 years

[atreides]

of course you a worth saving, clearly your husband wants to work on your marriage. No better compliment to worth than that given the context. I can't speak highly of your AP, though... taking advantage while drunk and puke breath whoa.

[Spark1111]

FT...you are taking so many steps in the right direction.....

 

I say this in the kindest possible way....

 

if you get stuck in self-loathing you rob your H of being the best possible person you can be....and that's just one more loss for him.

 

It's natural for a guilty or remorseful WS to feel self-loathing after the fog lifts and they feel the full ramifications of their actions....but the work doesn't stop there.

 

please google and read the difference between guilt and remorse...and decide where YOU are on the spectrum.

 

We all feel attractions to others. That's human nature. But don't blame the chemicals of lust solely. They need to be fueled on a regular basis to grow out of control. It took a thousand steps on your part to fuel them to the point where physical contact happened.

 

Your job in therapy and or introspection is to discover WHY you did that....what made you fuel the attraction instead of shutting it down?

 

THAT answer will give your spouse more reassurance than anything else....Discover your WHY so you can recognize it, where it comes from, and what you will do differently in the future so he can feel safe with you in the future. That you know your true WHY.

 

And then think long and hard on this: Would YOU date YOU today? What do you bring to the table? Are you fun, exciting, interesting to be around, a good listener?

 

We all tend to take our marital relationships for granted since we know our partner loves and accepts us.

 

Don't do that. Don't do that now. Grow yourself into someone you would be thrilled to know and associate with. Always bring your best self to your marriage. Focus and be proud of you.

 

There is more work to do. get busy.

[ForeverTainted]

Your husband may be hurting more than you will ever know. He will never forget and it may haunt him the rest of his life.

 

I do hope you gave him a written timeline of the affair. If you did things with the AP, POSOM, that you would not do with your husband, how would you feel if he were the one that had the affair?

 

You did some wonderful things for the AP. What can you do for your husband? He had his heart ripped out. Believe me, I know.

 

I did give him a timeline. I told him one too. I don't know if he read the one I gave him or what he did with it. I still have it saved on my computer.

 

I never did anything with my affair partner that I don't do with my husband. I don't even really understand the reasoning behind doing that unless the spouse didn't want those things. I never even took my shirt off and it was always dark.

 

I think if my husband had an affair I would feel like I wasn't good enough. I don't want my husband to feel that because it isn't true at all.

 

I don't know what I can do for my husband. The only thing that would make anything better would be not cheating and that ship has sailed.

Edited October 1, 2013 by ForeverTainted

[ForeverTainted]

FT...you are taking so many steps in the right direction.....

 

I say this in the kindest possible way....

 

if you get stuck in self-loathing you rob your H of being the best possible person you can be....and that's just one more loss for him.

 

It's natural for a guilty or remorseful WS to feel self-loathing after the fog lifts and they feel the full ramifications of their actions....but the work doesn't stop there.

 

please google and read the difference between guilt and remorse...and decide where YOU are on the spectrum.

 

This is why I am here. I won't to move past hating myself but it just isn't happening. I did what you suggested and would say I am more remorseful. Guilt was what I dealt with during my affair. It didn't carry the sorrow with it.

We all feel attractions to others. That's human nature. But don't blame the chemicals of lust solely. They need to be fueled on a regular basis to grow out of control. It took a thousand steps on your part to fuel them to the point where physical contact happened.

Your job in therapy and or introspection is to discover WHY you did that....what made you fuel the attraction instead of shutting it down?

This is where I can't find an answer. All I can think was my denial of the attraction is what started me down this road. Whenever my mind would go there I would turn it in a different direction and not indulge. And that didn't happen often, usually just after we would hang out and I would catch his look. I should have told my husband and we ended the friendship but I thought I was making it all up (not my attraction but it being mutual). It was only after he touched me that I felt myself opening up to it.

 

It took months to get to the point where we slept together. But from that night on I chose to cheat. And I don't know why except that it felt good. That I am a weak person who risked a lot. It was like all the wonders of a new relationship but with no worries about the future. And then I started worrying about the future. And it wasn't so wonderful anymore. But I just kept on going further and further down that road.

 

THAT answer will give your spouse more reassurance than anything else....Discover your WHY so you can recognize it, where it comes from, and what you will do differently in the future so he can feel safe with you in the future. That you know your true WHY.

I wish I could give him an answer but I can't find one. I just did it because at the time I wanted to. We did talk about it and he said I always mentioned before when I found guys attractive and this time I didn't. And I remember I didn't because the attraction was more than I had felt and I ignored it and denied it as meaning anything. What I should have done was told him and made him aware. Things would have been a lot different if my husband had known he needed to be aware.

 

And then think long and hard on this: Would YOU date YOU today? What do you bring to the table? Are you fun, exciting, interesting to be around, a good listener?

 

We all tend to take our marital relationships for granted since we know our partner loves and accepts us.

 

Don't do that. Don't do that now. Grow yourself into someone you would be thrilled to know and associate with. Always bring your best self to your marriage. Focus and be proud of you.

 

There is more work to do. get busy.

 

I wouldn't date me. I was all those things and I try hard to be those still. But my heart isn't there anymore. I listen better now than I did but it is mostly because I have nothing worth saying so I don't talk as much. Husband told me he misses my chatter.

[2sunny]

This is why I am here. I won't to move past hating myself but it just isn't happening. I did what you suggested and would say I am more remorseful. Guilt was what I dealt with during my affair. It didn't carry the sorrow with it.

 

This is where I can't find an answer. All I can think was my denial of the attraction is what started me down this road. Whenever my mind would go there I would turn it in a different direction and not indulge. And that didn't happen often, usually just after we would hang out and I would catch his look. I should have told my husband and we ended the friendship but I thought I was making it all up (not my attraction but it being mutual). It was only after he touched me that I felt myself opening up to it.

 

It took months to get to the point where we slept together. But from that night on I chose to cheat. And I don't know why except that it felt good. That I am a weak person who risked a lot. It was like all the wonders of a new relationship but with no worries about the future. And then I started worrying about the future. And it wasn't so wonderful anymore. But I just kept on going further and further down that road.

 

 

I wish I could give him an answer but I can't find one. I just did it because at the time I wanted to. We did talk about it and he said I always mentioned before when I found guys attractive and this time I didn't. And I remember I didn't because the attraction was more than I had felt and I ignored it and denied it as meaning anything. What I should have done was told him and made him aware. Things would have been a lot different if my husband had known he needed to be aware.

 

 

 

I wouldn't date me. I was all those things and I try hard to be those still. But my heart isn't there anymore. I listen better now than I did but it is mostly because I have nothing worth saying so I don't talk as much. Husband told me he misses my chatter.

 

I think you can look within - and get brutally honest with yourself about why you chose to be intimate with the OM.

 

If nothing else - write down what he provided for you that was missing in the marriage.

 

Nurture your M with honesty. The guilt isn't useful FOR your husband at this juncture.

 

Move PAST that - and look within to take a good look at how you can become the best version of yourself NOW.

 

Living in the past isn't useful unless you're learning what not to do in the present and future.

 

You are human. Humans do things that hurt others at times.

 

Your integrity will resume when you begin doing and saying things to GROW YOUR MARRIAGE. Stronger, happier and healthier!!! We can all see that sitting there stuck in the crap of what you've done isn't helping the marriage.

 

Let go of what DOESNT work to heal the M (guilt and shame) and begin by walking FORWARD into a new and improved M that has a basis of honesty, respect and integrity that can withstand any $hitstorm that may one day come your way.

 

You CAN improve the M by the WAY YOU PARTICIPATE!

 

Gt busy living and making your M as strong as possible! You've got a NEW foundation to build - decide what that is to look like and work at it TOGETHER as a team.

[2sunny]

Everything I thought I knew about infidelity did not help me at all. I feel like such a hypocrite. I was raised that you don't even make friends with the opposite sex when you are married. By friends I mean spend time alone or chat about deep things. I was also taught that infidelity springs up from soil that is fertile for it. But what makes the soil fertile? I was taught low morals, flirting, the opposite sex friendships within marriage, unaddressed marriage or personal issues, poor coping skills, and the list goes on.

 

And I still cheated. It didn't happen over night but at any point I could have stopped myself and I didn't. And I always thought I had good self control.

 

Maybe there are people who fall (or leap) into affairs who maybe wouldn't have if they hadn't had "fertile soil". And I guess all you can do is instead of simply saying "cheating is bad and only bad people cheat" when the topic comes up, you actually talk about all the different affairs there are, how hurtful they are to EVERYONE involved, and give your personal life experience on it without making absolutes. Like, "IN my situation..." I know a lot of people bristle up or just tune you out when you use words like always or even usually.

 

First of all - any woman can have male friends as long as she adheres to SOLID, healthy boundaries based upon respect and honor!

 

Secondly - "fertile ground" means one person must be at risk or vulnerable or open to having an affair. A healthy boundary and honesty would cure that!

 

Self control has nothing to do with any of it - you were missing something in the R with your H and the OM filled that void. He paid attention to you, made you feel "special" and "desired" - and it was exciting because it was risky. Once that ball is rolling - its hard to stop the momentum. Many times - people with solid self control fail at this juncture. You are human, after all.

 

Please open your mind to truths about yourself and communicating YOUR needs and WANTS to your husband.

Edited October 1, 2013 by 2sunny

[aliveagain]

Your not worth saving if you don't believe your worth saving. Forever tainted and Another Man's dirt mean the same thing to me. You put yourself in the position to be used, it was your decision and no matter how sorry you are it will never change what you did to your husband and your children. All they ever did was love you unconditionally, they don't deserve to be in the position you selfishly put them in, they are innocent. These are thoughts I struggle with everyday, should I ever allow myself to trust someone like you again? You sound remorseful but you still did what you did to the people that trusted and loved you. What is being remorseful, words, comparing it to the physical long term conscious act, does one offset the other, are you even believable? I think there will always be an imbalance, something was lost that can never be replaced even though the relationship continues with your family. They chose to keep you in their life in spite of yourself, what are you doing to protect them from a future selfish act? So are you worth it?

Edited October 1, 2013 by aliveagain