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My story


HtotheN

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Hey there! I have been lurking for awhile and getting to know many of you just from reading. My turn to share.

 

I have been married for 15 years and we have two children. WH first cheated months after our second child was born. I had major post-partum depression after this birth and although I finally got back to "normal" in every sense of the word, it was not soon enough for WH. His betrayal completely devastated me and I kind of felt like he kicked me when I was getting back up after getting over the depression. We never got counseling, and I forgave him too quickly. We worked on our marriage, but he continued his cheating ways as I often found online evidence of his desire to continue cheating. He had several online profiles and it was obvious what he was up to. (Keep in mind, I had a newborn and a two year-old so I was quite busy with them.) I became a very good internet detective which I resented as that was not what I signed up for. He did alot of gaslighting during these years. Although my post-partum depression went away, I then had regular depression because of our situation. This went on for years. I now marvel at how many years I have wasted with this man, but I had my reasons for staying. I never told a soul, and I now realize what a mistake that was. I really needed an emotional support system but I just concentrated on my two little ones.

 

Flash forward to this past March when I discovered that he was having an affair with a married co-worker that supposedly ended at the end of 2012. Once again, I went into detective mode and two months later, hacked into a few of his email accounts and discovered hundreds of old messages (from 2010 to the end of 2011) between him and dozens of women, including two women from our church! One was the church secretary, and the other was one of my favorite people from church. He was carrying on with both of those women at the same time, and had each of them thinking that it was an exclusive relationship. (Because, as we all know, cheating husbands are always faithful to mistresses lol) The secretary was forced to resign, and the other person and my husband were both relieved of all of their official church duties. Along with these three women, there were dozens of other women, random hook-ups arranged via Craigslist and other online hook-up sites. Thoroughly disgusting, to say the least. I emailed several of them to inform them of three things: 1. He was carrying on with several women at the same time, 2. His preference is to not use condoms, and 3. They had all better get tested for every known STD there is. Not wanting to make the same mistake I did the first time, I told several people, and the emotional support has been very beneficial. We tried MC this time around but my main reason for that was because I wanted my husband to be told by someone other than me that HE was at fault and that there was no excuse for his actions. The counselor was convinced that WH has Narcissistic Personality Disorder and is a sex addict. I very much agree but that's his problem. We stopped counseling a few months ago and I am going to divorce him in due time. He has no idea of my plans just yet but I have my reasons for that.

 

I have had ample time to reflect on everything that has happened over the years and although it is true that HE is completely at fault for his choices, I have to admit that our relationship has been dysfunctional for years and it was unreasonable for me to expect him to be in a sexless marriage. (Of course, the marriage did not become sexless until the first time he cheated but I realize that we should have gone to MC after the first time, or else gotten divorced then.) Instead, we both acted as if everything was okay, and each did the best we could. I saw one of his online profiles in 2004 and his short description of himself was "taken but still looking." I stopped having sex with him then. He turned to whorish women, and I poured all of my love into our two children. We avoided the problem and, surprisingly, it never went away! I made the mistake of having a wishbone where my backbone should have been. I have not felt very good about myself in literally years and I did not realize how bad it had become until I recently made some changes and started feeling better about myself. I had put on some extra weight (about 50 pounds, to be exact) and I have lost nearly all of it and I am feeling much better and healthy. While overweight, I felt invisible around people but I am being noticed all the time now, which is weird but nice. lol (Not that I am on the prowl as I am still married, but it is nice to be noticed) I carry myself with confidence as I once did and that's a good thing. I don't say all this out of being shallow as I am not; it was just one thing out of a few that I did that made me feel better about myself.

 

It is embarassing to admit all of this and after reading everything written thus far, the Jerry Springer show comes to mind but I am the last person you would ever see on that awful show, and yet WH would easily fit in with that crowd, apparently. I look forward to freeing myself of my sham of a marriage, I plan on going to IC and getting counseling for the children who have anger issues because of what they know after overhearing some heated discussions between WH and myself, and although all of this must first happen, I actually look forward to dating again. That might sound strange coming from someone who is still married but I have not felt married for a long time and I would like to eventually find someone to love again, and I actually want my husband to find someone as well. I do not love him AT ALL and I am 100% over everything that he has done or else I would still hate him or wonder who he is cheating with. I no longer care and just want out.

 

Sorry if I rambled. Thanks for listening.

Edited by HtotheN
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That wasn't a ramble! I'm really sorry for what you've been through and whilst I don't know him the fact that he was doing this not long after the birth, and most importantly when you were I'll makes my blood boil.

On loads of threads here I'd give the CP the benefit of the doubt ONCE, but your H is already well past this. The fact you look forward to dating tells me that you know deep down your marriage is finished and you are ready to live again. There are some wonderful people on this site that have so much to bring to you, and coupled with a positive mental attitude I truly see you on the track to a much better life quickly.

Go for it, you deserve so much more.....and right now.

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lilmisscantbewrong

Wow - what a story. I am so sorry for your situation. You deserve way more than this guy can every give you because he is a total douche. It sounds like you are making strides in the right direction. Please make sure you have a group of supportive friends and family around you.

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My wife clearly wanted to rugsweep. Your post is a great example of why it doesn't work.

 

Thanks for sharing and good luck on the start of your second life. :)

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Htothend,

I know people have already written how sorry they are you fell into this stitch w/your H. But from what you write, I don't see a person who needs "sorry" (even though I am*)*

I Don't see a victim but a survivor and soon to be a success story that will he you and your life!

I'm absolutely impressed with you! You seem to, through the pain & betrayal, have worked through to an ending that launches a new beginning for you.

You have my support AND Respect!!

CIH*

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Betterthanthis13

I second what Cominginhot said ^^^. You sound like a survivor. I hope each day that passes gets you closer to the point where you can get this guy out of your life, and only deal with him for issues regarding the children. My ex was a "sex addict" serial cheater as well, and I am so glad to be out of his world these days. Posting here has helped me a lot, I hope it does the same for you :)

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great to see you are ready to start dating again. You are definitely doing the right thing... I always wonder why the cheating partner chooses to stay in the relationship for so long after they start cheating. I guess there can be pressures around money, kids and expectations of family/friends/church etc., but I presume they must get something also from the BS?... Sorry if that is a bit off topic.

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the fact that he was doing this not long after the birth, and most importantly when you were I'll makes my blood boil.

 

I could not agree more; that was low!

 

The fact you look forward to dating tells me that you know deep down your marriage is finished and you are ready to live again. There are some wonderful people on this site that have so much to bring to you, and coupled with a positive mental attitude I truly see you on the track to a much better life quickly.

Go for it, you deserve so much more.....and right now.

 

I agree! And thank you!

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Please make sure you have a group of supportive friends and family around you.

 

I do this time around; I learned my lesson when I did not the first time. Support makes all the difference in the world!

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You didn't turn him into a sex addict, so there was nothing you could do.

 

Agreed.

 

Good luck. Might read Mira Kirshbaum on how to LET GO the easier way.

Thanks for the suggestion on the book.

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My wife clearly wanted to rugsweep. Your post is a great example of why it doesn't work.

 

I agree. I found out about the first time on a Monday, and by that Friday, I was already saying "I love you" again, and his main concern was if the children would ever find out. I was still in shock at that point! Hindsight is 20/20...

 

Thanks for sharing and good luck on the start of your second life. :)

 

You are welcome, and thank you; I can't wait to get started!

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Htothend,

I Don't see a victim but a survivor and soon to be a success story that will he you and your life!

I'm absolutely impressed with you! You seem to, through the pain & betrayal, have worked through to an ending that launches a new beginning for you.

You have my support AND Respect!!

CIH*

 

Aww, thank you so very much! I have read many of your posts and what you say here means alot! I have been cranking "Stronger" by Kelly Clarkson quite often while in the car alone and it helps!

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I second what Cominginhot said ^^^. You sound like a survivor. I hope each day that passes gets you closer to the point where you can get this guy out of your life, and only deal with him for issues regarding the children. My ex was a "sex addict" serial cheater as well, and I am so glad to be out of his world these days. Posting here has helped me a lot, I hope it does the same for you :)

 

Thank you so much! I put up with it for so long and I suppose he thought that if I was going to leave that I would have long ago. Sometimes, it takes longer than others might think it would take for that person's limit to be reached. It has been reached, thus my online name on here. I am not good with change and I overthink EVERYTHING but, once my mind is made up, there is NO GOING BACK! And I so look forward to being out of his world as much as possible, considering the children. I look forward to posting more, and offering others any support that I am able to give.

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I always wonder why the cheating partner chooses to stay in the relationship for so long after they start cheating. I guess there can be pressures around money, kids and expectations of family/friends/church etc., but I presume they must get something also from the BS?... Sorry if that is a bit off topic.

 

No problem. I will tell you this about cheating: That has always been the only dealbreaker from when I started dating my first boyfriend. If you don't have trust and loyalty, you can't have much, right? BUT...then it happened and it absolutely crippled me for many years. I now wish that I would have been gone a decade ago but it could always be worse; I could still be with him a decade from now. My main concerns were centered around the children. If I had been childless, I would have been gone the first week all those years ago but as it was, I had a 2 year-old and an infant, and no income. I saw how hard my divorced mother had it and I was afraid to repeat some of her mistakes but she actually did a good job with my sister and me, and she did it with absolutely no help from her ex. Fear can be a very powerful thing, and is usually actually worse than the "thing" that you are afraid of. What I got from the BS was that he was my husband and we had taken vows and I blindly thought that we could make it work. I meant every word uttered on my wedding day and refused to roll over and quit.

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Well done on focusing on yourself. You can already see change, all positive. Your husband was just dragging you down. KUDOS.

 

Thank you, and I agree. I need a balloon rather than an anchor - don't we all?!

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Betterthanthis13
No problem. I will tell you this about cheating: That has always been the only dealbreaker from when I started dating my first boyfriend. If you don't have trust and loyalty, you can't have much, right? BUT...then it happened and it absolutely crippled me for many years. I now wish that I would have been gone a decade ago but it could always be worse; I could still be with him a decade from now. My main concerns were centered around the children. If I had been childless, I would have been gone the first week all those years ago but as it was, I had a 2 year-old and an infant, and no income. I saw how hard my divorced mother had it and I was afraid to repeat some of her mistakes but she actually did a good job with my sister and me, and she did it with absolutely no help from her ex. Fear can be a very powerful thing, and is usually actually worse than the "thing" that you are afraid of. What I got from the BS was that he was my husband and we had taken vows and I blindly thought that we could make it work. I meant every word uttered on my wedding day and refused to roll over and quit.

 

The refusal to roll over and quit attitude shows amazing strength of character and tenacity to get things done when you believe in them I think. So when you switch your focus 100% to believing in something else besides your marriage and get all your ducks in a row, and take action, you are going to do great things and you are going to find happiness. Fear can be a very powerful, confusing force...

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