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How to get couples to learn about infidelity before marriage?


ChooseTruth

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I literally don't know, other than trying to teach your own kids.

 

I was very resistant to this topic, thinking I wouldn't end up with someone who would do that, and certainly that I would never. The truth is most people who cheat never thought they would.

 

I wish we could make "Not Just Friends" or "His Needs Her Needs" required marriage reading material or something...

 

How do you motivate hopeful young people to look at this scary topic? I only became motivated when I was put into the most painful situation of my life and learning was the only way out.

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I don't get it.... learn what about infidelity?

:confused:

Precautions to take. What to do when it happens. Ever read "Not Just Friends"?

 

(btw I see you are the age I wish I could travel back in time to...and learn what I know now)

Edited by ChooseTruth
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miss_jaclynrae
Precautions to take. What to do when it happens. Ever read "Not Just Friends"?

 

I don't think anyone can or should prepare for infidelity.

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I think a person should prepare their kids for being a good marriage partner themselves, and educate them on what qualities to look for in a prospective spouse that would be more likely to lead to a happy and successful marriage. I think people should educate their children on how to treat their future spouse. And, of course, educating through example, on how to treat a spouse well and protect and honor one's marriage is helpful. I wouldn't suggest educating them on signs of infidelity. I would emphasize the importance of trust in a marriage, and the importance of nurturing and protecting one's marriage, and how that might be done. Those would be good lessons to learn from a parent, to prepare a child for someday being a good marriage partner and choosing a partner wisely.

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I don't think anyone can or should prepare for infidelity.

Then that statement along with your age makes you exactly the type of person I'm trying to reach. People who think they aren't vulnerable are the most vulnerable because you don't protect yourself. You could find yourself in an affair even though you never dreamed you would do it. Or your spouse could end up in one and you blindly ignore all the signs until it's way too late. You might not take care of your relationship the way you should, tempting someone who doesn't safeguard themselves against an affair to have one. Marriage is a really really big deal and there's plenty you can do to prepare. Billions of people have done this and failed..it's not an easy thing to stay in and always be happy. Being a woman, have you ever considered the possibility that you might eventually be attracted to someone else besides your husband while your primary relationship's butterflies have gone away? (sorry I don't know if you are married actually)

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I've had 3 boyfriends, 2 of them cheated.

 

I was always aware of cheating and aware of the vulnerability. That didn't help me one bit. Knowing it could happen didn't make it any less hurtful and didn't make me capable of preventing it.

 

 

I don't think those guys were raised wrong either. They had a good upbringing, were taught wrong and right by their parents, but still chose wrong. Because that's what people do sometimes.

 

 

All the knowledge and preparation and awareness in the world won't stop people from doing dumb things sometimes.

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miss_jaclynrae
Then that statement along with your age makes you exactly the type of person I'm trying to reach. People who think they aren't vulnerable are the most vulnerable because you don't protect yourself. You could find yourself in an affair even though you never dreamed you would do it. Or your spouse could end up in one and you blindly ignore all the signs until it's way too late. You might not take care of your relationship the way you should, tempting someone who doesn't safeguard themselves against an affair to have one. Marriage is a really really big deal and there's plenty you can do to prepare. Billions of people have done this and failed..it's not an easy thing to stay in and always be happy. Being a woman, have you ever considered the possibility that you might eventually be attracted to someone else besides your husband while your primary relationship's butterflies have gone away? (sorry I don't know if you are married actually)

 

 

:laugh:

I HAVE been married, and he DID cheat.

Still don't think it is something that people can or should be educated on.

As Phoe stated, people do dumb things.

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I've had 3 boyfriends, 2 of them cheated.

 

I was always aware of cheating and aware of the vulnerability. That didn't help me one bit. Knowing it could happen didn't make it any less hurtful and didn't make me capable of preventing it.

 

 

I don't think those guys were raised wrong either. They had a good upbringing, were taught wrong and right by their parents, but still chose wrong. Because that's what people do sometimes.

 

 

All the knowledge and preparation and awareness in the world won't stop people from doing dumb things sometimes.

 

Learning about infidelity is way more than just "infidelity is wrong, know right from wrong".

 

Young people don't see that there is a need to learn about boundaries, that there is a need to learn how to keep the connection going long term, etc. For instance young women need to learn not to go to male friends for relationship advice while involved with someone; we see affairs start that way all the time.

 

How many years have you been *married*? Have you had to deal with the pain of splitting custody of a 9 year old girl? I'm not talking about BF\GF relationships which are a trial for marriage. Thanks goodness you've had those experiences with your boyfriends, it may help you later in life. I WISH a GF had cheated on my before getting married and having a child...

 

It seems to me the people responding to this thread and clouding the thread are those people who have not learned these lessons yet. So far I've seen only one of the regular experienced older infidelity board members reply.

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miss_jaclynrae
Learning about infidelity is way more than just "infidelity is wrong, know right from wrong".

Young people don't see that there is a need to learn about boundaries, that there is a need to learn how to keep the connection going long term, etc. For instance young women need to learn not to go to male friends for relationship advice while involved with someone; we see affairs start that way all the time.

 

How many years have you been *married*? Have you had to deal with the pain of splitting custody of a 9 year old girl? I'm not talking about BF\GF relationships which are a trial for marriage. Thanks goodness you've had those experiences with your boyfriends, it may help you later in life. I WISH a GF had cheated on my before getting married and having a child...

 

It seems to me the people responding to this thread and clouding the thread are those people who have not learned these lessons yet. So far I've seen only one of the regular experienced older infidelity board members reply.

 

 

:rolleyes:

Okay old timer, please educate me.

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:laugh:

I HAVE been married, and he DID cheat.

Still don't think it is something that people can or should be educated on.

As Phoe stated, people do dumb things.

 

 

Thread fail. sigh....

 

 

There are entire books written on the subject of affair prevention because people are so passionate about this subject. Really really good ones.

 

Anyway, I disagree. I really really really wish I had known what I know now, when I was 22. It would have made a massive difference in my life. For you to tell me otherwise is just silly. I am not alone that is for sure.

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:rolleyes:

Okay old timer, please educate me.

That's really not the thread topic, though I recommend reading the book "Not Just Friends", or "His Needs Her Needs", or any number of relationship books. Hugely educational.

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miss_jaclynrae
That's really not the thread topic, though I recommend reading the book "Not Just Friends", or "His Needs Her Needs", or any number of relationship books. Hugely educational.

 

 

 

Hey look, I am sorry you were cheated on by your spouse, but the truth is that all the books in the world won't stop someone who wants to cheat from cheating.

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Hey look, I am sorry you were cheated on by your spouse, but the truth is that all the books in the world won't stop someone who wants to cheat from cheating.

Most people don't want to cheat. They end up on the slippery slope. Learning about what leads to affairs stops that.

 

I feel so conflicted...this thread is about how to motivate people to learn but here I am practicing convincing someone instead :)

 

Reading these forums is a good thing though, probably you are way ahead of many people your age.

 

Anyway I'm not going to convince you of anything here tonight I'm sure. Can we let the thread go back on topic?

 

 

Edit, maybe there's a gender gap here as well. I think a lot of men cheat regardless for sheer sex. Women's infidelity tends to be a lot more...complicated and unexpected even to themselves.

Edited by ChooseTruth
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I think people are just impulsive and foolish. They think it's just a fling, they don't understand the underlying risk of strong feelings, they don't truly know how vulnerable and weak they (and all human beings) are. All of the sudden, they've lost control to the undertow, and they've laid waste to all the people they love and who trust them to lead, including their children, or the children of others.

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:laugh:

I HAVE been married, and he DID cheat.

Still don't think it is something that people can or should be educated on.

As Phoe stated, people do dumb things.

 

It's like the sex-talk/pregnancy talk to me...some people simply had NO information at all from which to draw from when faced with certain situations and maybe if they did, they could have made some different choices.

 

You can't prevent infidelity but I definitely think couple's counseling before marriage is something all couples should do and even that book about 100 questions to ask before you get married is useful, as simply bringing up certain topics, discussing them essentially getting some tools in your tool kit before you enter into the situation is better than not doing anything at all.

 

Infidelity, cheating, etc. is something I definitely plan on discussing with my partner before we tie the knot.

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miss_jaclynrae
It's like the sex-talk/pregnancy talk to me...some people simply had NO information at all from which to draw from when faced with certain situations and maybe if they did, they could have made some different choices.

 

You can't prevent infidelity but I definitely think couple's counseling before marriage is something all couples should do and even that book about 100 questions to ask before you get married is useful, as simply bringing up certain topics, discussing them essentially getting some tools in your tool kit before you enter into the situation is better than not doing anything at all.

 

Infidelity, cheating, etc. is something I definitely plan on discussing with my partner before we tie the knot.

 

 

 

I did ALL of the above with my ex.

He still cheated, *shrug*

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I did ALL of the above with my ex.

He still cheated, *shrug*

 

Yes but will YOU cheat in the future? That's a big part of this. Probably you will say "of course not!" What precautions do you take so you won't cheat? Do you think you would ever be tempted? How long were you married?

 

What precautions did your ex take? Did he know what precautions to take? Did he think he would ever cheat?

 

We did some counseling when we first got married, but we weren't really motivated and the counseling was pretty terrible. We didn't see the dangers.

 

That's the problem. How do you get people to see there's risk that they themselves might cheat when everyone thinks, "Oh I would never do that!"?

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I did ALL of the above with my ex.

He still cheated, *shrug*

 

Nothing can guarantee anything 100%, but the point is that some element of trying or awareness comes in more handy than none at all.

 

Condoms aren't 100% but you better believe I will use one, if it breaks, it breaks, but to say "It's not 100% so might as well not bother" doesn't make sense to me.

 

I can't stop someone from cheating, but I will feel a lot better addressing this beforehand and logically, that offers some kinds of recourse vs. going in blindly and just never addressing it and hoping for the best.

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miss_jaclynrae

I guess I just don't see how one can prepare, nor educated themselves on it.

It either happens or it doesn't.

 

 

 

Unless you walk into a marriage with NO boundaries how the hell could you prepare for infidelity?

Are you talking about preparing to keep it from happening?

 

 

 

It makes no sense to me.

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I guess I just don't see how one can prepare, nor educated themselves on it.

It either happens or it doesn't.

 

 

 

Unless you walk into a marriage with NO boundaries how the hell could you prepare for infidelity?

Are you talking about preparing to keep it from happening?

 

 

 

It makes no sense to me.

 

In my head it means preempting things and finding out your partners opinions like: what should we do if we develop attraction for someone else? Should we discuss it? How should we handle it?

 

What is your idea of infidelity? What do you consider cheating?

 

Would you ever consider an open marriage?

 

How much monogamy are you comfortable with?

 

These are examples of some of the questions a couple could ask/discuss and basically hypothetically run through the realistic possibility that attraction to others occurs and discuss how to handle it if it should arise, and just develop beforehand some sense of comfort level, openness and trust where you've had "the talk" so if God forbid a situation where either of you is in an awkward position happens, you have something to draw on.

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miss_jaclynrae
In my head it means preempting things and finding out your partners opinions like: what should we do if we develop attraction for someone else? Should we discuss it? How should we handle it?

 

What is your idea of infidelity? What do you consider cheating?

 

Would you ever consider an open marriage?

 

How much monogamy are you comfortable with?

 

These are examples of some of the questions a couple could ask/discuss and basically hypothetically run through the realistic possibility that attraction to others occurs and discuss how to handle it if it should arise, and just develop beforehand some sense of comfort level, openness and trust where you've had "the talk" so if God forbid a situation where either of you is in an awkward position happens, you have something to draw on.

 

 

See that is another thing though, these are things I think you should lay out in a relationship before marriage comes into play. My man knows EXACTLY where I stand on things such as the above, and we aren't even married. He knows I would rather him tell me than keep it from me if he ever felt like straying.

 

HOW DO PEOPLE NOT TALK ABOUT THIS STUFF EVEN AFTER BEING MARRIED?

:confused:

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miss_jaclynrae

There is no way in hell we can be THAT much of an exception.

Those are all things that should be discussed before getting married, or anytime in a serious relationship.

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