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Erotic lit and a kind AP?


LostAngry

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I found out 6 years ago about my ExH betrayal. We did not know what we were doing and he said he was sorry and would never hurt me again, so I believed him and I thought we moved past it. I discovered within months he was continuing his affair and he chose to leave me. We divorced that same year and I have been an emotional basket case ever since.

 

I was and am angry and bitter. During my singleness I started reading stories at an erotic website, and that led to me becoming a member of the forums. I have now been at the site for many years and in those years I have exposed many married men to their wives. I never planned on exposing anybody, but one day I had a married man continuing to send me private messages after I asked him to stop. When he continued I came up with a plan to get any information from him that I could, and then expose him to his wife if I could find her. I felt she had a right to know.

 

I began to discover that he and other men would give identifying information rather freely. Therefore, I began to expose these men when I had enough identifiable information to find their wives. Now, what led me to SI in recent months is the AP of one of these men. All of the wives I contacted were hurt but thankful I had given them the truth and offered proof. Some of the proof was solid and some of it was circumstantial, but all of the women were smart enough to connect the dots, all of the wives but one.

 

I contacted one wife and gave her proof her husband was at the site talking about sex and flirting with women. She was understandably upset, but she believed what I showed her and asked me not to contact her again. Within a few weeks I found evidence her husband not only was talking and flirting with various women, but he had started an emotional affair one year prior with one woman in particular. I had been asked not to contact her, but I decided she needed the new information. It was not hard and cold proof, but it was very easy to connect the dots and tie the two of them together. She did not believe me and she was angry that I brought her more evidence.

 

I had lost the plot during this time and I kept working to expose not only the husband on this erotic site, but also his AP. Needless to say, many people on the site thought I should mind my own business, as they were doing the same thing the WS and his AP were doing. His AP agreed to talk to me on the phone after I threatened to out her in real life. Now, I will admit I put some very distasteful things out in the open on the site and she stopped posting. I knew when we spoke she would be hateful and rude, but I was wrong.

 

She was kind and she talked to me about what I had gone through, and she told me I was hurting myself more than I was hurting the men I was exposing. She told me I could choose to heal my pain and become a better person. She was not who I expected her to be, but she is still an AP. I decided to take her advice and find a professional to talk to. I also started researching online to find help for those hurt by betrayal, and that is how I found LS and other online help.

 

Now, my messed up self is confused. She helped me after I treated her poorly and humiliated her time and time again. BUT, I know she is continuing the affair with him. When I spoke with her she would not under any circumstance answer any questions that pertained to him in any way. She would change the subject or say she wasn’t going to answer questions about him. I know she is a bad person because she is in an affair with a married man, but I can tell you I have never come across a person so willing to listen to me (a stranger, if not enemy) and help and encourage me. She never called me a name or said anything negative about what I did to her.

 

I am trying to heal and rid myself of the bitterness I feel, but I also cannot reconcile that woman being kind (genuinely kind) and also being an AP. APs are evil and destructive people. One of them helped my Ex destroy my life and family. I also hate knowing that they are continuing the affair and the wife is too scared to face the truth. I know the cliff she is about to fall off of and I hate it for her, but she will not listen to reason and I promised the AP I would leave them all alone. Is it really harmful to me to expose these men and give their wives the gift of truth? I want them to be able to make informed decisions about their futures.

 

Go ahead and tell me how crazy I am.

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GorillaTheater

As a general rule, I support letting folks know that their spouses are cheating. I'm a firm believer in giving them facts they wouldn't otherwise know, in order to enable them to make informed decisions for their lives.

 

But there are probably exceptions, and this may be one. I get the sense that you have been deeply hurting for the past 6 years, and I can't help but think that this "crusade", for lack of a better term, is helping to keep you in a dark place.

 

In my opinion, you should back off from the erotic lit website entirely, and focus on you and your healing. Have you spoken with any counselors since you discovered you XH's infidelity?

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I agree with GT.

 

What is your purpose in exposing these men? Granted, it IS stupid of them to reveal so much info and they made a poor choice by being on that site, but what do you want from this all?

 

While you seem to think APs are all evil and malicious because of what you endured, I disagree. They are people who in many cases have fallen in love with someone who is as responsible for the affair or even more responsible.

 

I think you should step back and let yourself heal. Staying on such a site and exposing the men will not help you at all but hurt you.

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LostAngry what really jumped out at me in your post was the attempt to control others situations. Do you think possibly it is because you could not control your own? None of us can by the way. My biggest Aha moment was that I cannot control what my WH does I can only make decisions and enforce my own boundaries and consequences to his behavior.

 

I have control issues that go back to my past (sexual abuse survivor, date rape and physical abuse), so I am always trying to work on it.

 

Let yourself have peace from all of this and find your happiness and leave infidelity in the past. I come on these boards to help as I have been on both sides of the triangle. My WH has had many A's, I had a revenge affair.

 

Do you have a counselor you can talk to about this? I would highly recommend it.

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I agree I should leave that site. It is not healthy for me. I wanted to give the spouses the truth so they could make informed decisions about their lives.

 

I hate that an AP is who brought me to the realization I needed to stop what I was doing and get myself help.

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compulsivedancer

If you can do it without causing yourself unnecessary pain or vitriol, take a look at the OW/OM forum. It really helps to see that the AP is just a person, often a hurt, confused person lost in what they think is "love." Many of them are actively trying to get out of their affairs but keep getting drawn back in. Many have ended them and are hurting very badly. Many are in their affairs still - some happily and some painfully. I'm not saying it's right; I'm saying it's human. These are not inherently bad people. They are people who have made bad choices and are often lied to and taken advantage of by the WS.

 

If it's not helpful, don't visit it, but for many it is useful to get that glimpse into their thought processes.

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I agree I should leave that site. It is not healthy for me. I wanted to give the spouses the truth so they could make informed decisions about their lives.

 

I hate that an AP is who brought me to the realization I needed to stop what I was doing and get myself help.

 

your horrific deception and betrayal left you galvanized in a vigilante mind-frame.

 

it happens. No judgement here.

 

you now spend your days trying to save others from the pain and deception and betrayal you went through.

 

I get it. I really do.

 

Happens all the time after experiencing a life-altering trauma. for some it is the loss or death of a child; or a devastation at the hands of government. These people go on to blaze a trail, whether it be reform in the law, new laws, or greater support foe those in pain.

 

Get IC. get yourself straight. But if you keep wanting to blaze a trail, do so.

 

You are at heart, a reformist. Reform how the world looks at infidelity. Reform how the BS is helped.

 

people like you, with your obsession, are responsible for changing the world. Change it.

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your horrific deception and betrayal left you galvanized in a vigilante mind-frame.

 

it happens. No judgement here.

 

you now spend your days trying to save others from the pain and deception and betrayal you went through.

 

I get it. I really do.

 

Happens all the time after experiencing a life-altering trauma. for some it is the loss or death of a child; or a devastation at the hands of government. These people go on to blaze a trail, whether it be reform in the law, new laws, or greater support foe those in pain.

 

Get IC. get yourself straight. But if you keep wanting to blaze a trail, do so.

 

You are at heart, a reformist. Reform how the world looks at infidelity. Reform how the BS is helped.

 

people like you, with your obsession, are responsible for changing the world. Change it.

I think about this a lot and where to put my energy. I think trying to reveal the affairs of strangers case by case is a pretty inefficient way of helping, and yes, self destructive. I think that same energy to make wrongs right is what drives people like you (Sparks), BH, myself, and many others to hang around this site helping other people out. It also amazes me sometimes when people come out from lurking and say that the postings have helped them so much.

 

What I wish we could really do is get people to learn about this stuff BEFORE they get married. My father tried to get me to read His Needs Her Needs, but the title sounded sexist to me, the mention of adultery scared me, and of course I thought I was exempt like everyone else does.

 

So how do we get lots of young people to learn about this before it's too late? That seems like a worthy place to put energy...and maybe less traumatizing than dealing with people in the midst of pain. Even posting here gets me pissed off, and sometimes I wonder if I should just stop.

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Speakingofwhich

LostAngry, a book you might enjoy and benefit from is A Tale of Three Kings, by Gene Edwards. It's an easy read, interesting and thought provoking.

Aaaannnd! You can download it free and read it tonight! Or sometime this weekend. Enjoy!

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I think getting angry is better than licking your wounds and wallowing in pain.

 

I think obsessively trying to alert BS's is better than jumping off a bridge.

 

If you can make one person have a better, kinder, more informed future, it eases your personal pain.

 

If you can enlighten, inform or reform one person's experience, you have used your painful experience to make the world a better place....one person at a time.

 

 

it's what I was taught as a journalist. If that horrific story of a family dying in a house fire makes one person check their house smoke alarms....you've done your job.

 

It's a belief I wholeheartedly embrace as an infidelity survivor.

 

if my story, my perspective, makes one person find hope in their painful situation, I am paying it forward.

 

I sense the OP, in her pain and obsession, is a reformist. I implore her to reform.

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I have to say that I'm with Spark on this one (and ChooseTruth made some great points, too). Many of us on here are "paying it forward" and to a real extent we're also helping expose affairs. I think I mentioned keyloggers, voice-activated recorders, and GPS trackers to multiple people just yesterday. Those like me are kindred spirits with you. Frankly, I see nothing wrong with exposing betrayal and helping those that are betrayed be able to make informed decisions.

 

Perhaps a slightly more removed way of doing it would be healthier for you. I think of websites like Cheaterville. The owner(s) of that place likely have a similar motivation as you do. But they help more than one person at a time and have less personal interaction with the waywards. For me, I think I find no greater joy than helping a wayward find the courage to make their own confession. I like to see them reconcile, too. You would be a good addition here.

 

As for the affair partner that was "helping" you, I wouldn't change your thought-processes much at all based on your interactions with her. She may be great in some areas of life but she's still an active and unremorseful partner to someone else's betrayal. She has simply compartmentalized away that bad part of herself (a very common rationalization tool amongst APs). Notice how she was glad to show you the great things about her but if you tried to discuss her affair, she wouldn't even go there. Make no mistake; doing good deeds doesn't suddenly make her bad deeds suddenly good. She almost had you convinced that if you don't look at the bad parts, it's like they're not there. That's classic wayward thinking.

 

As for the betrayed partner that didn't want to know, it's important to note that denial is the first stage of grief. Some people are so emotionally, financially, and otherwise invested in their marriage that the thought of losing their spouse is too difficult to handle. I get that. I sure had a lot invested in my marriage - my whole life was built around it. Denial is a coping mechanism and for many, it's a powerful one. That's why I always recommend giving a betrayed spouse undeniable proof when exposing (even when it is the affair partner making a confession). Denial was just particularly powerful in the person you experienced.

 

Anyway, I would stop beating yourself up. I'm in favor of your crusade against infidelity. Perhaps doing it at more of a distance would have you less emotionally vulnerable and personally invested in the outcome. Then again, pioneers usually are emotionally and personally invested in the outcome.

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I have never considered the possibility of finding another way of helping BSs. It is something to think about.

 

I need to get over my obsession with this particular AP. I am stuck on coming to terms with her not being a terrible human being. I did and said extremely mean things to her based on the idea of knowing who she is due to her being a mistress.

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compulsivedancer
Not all AP's are bad people or evil. I know it's easier to think that they are but that is over simplifying things. Each case is different. YES there are evil AP's out there (maybe yours was) However, if you read some of the stories here you will see that a lot of the AP's are just lost. They are struggling too. They are good people that never thought they would find themselves in an A. They aren't evil.............they are human. Human beings have emotions, emotions lead to bad choices sometimes.

 

Some are smug in their actions......let them be smug. :sick::sick::sick::sick:

Some are truly sorry for ever getting involved. :(

Some are just too blinded by love to see where they are headed.:o

Human.

 

I think a better direction for your energy and your passion would be to help BS's overcome / get through their sitch. Be better versions of themselves....or maybe talk to OW that are struggling. Help them to break away from a damaging R. By all means keep exposing MM if you want to (I don't care either way) they deserve to be exposed. BUT...try to remember that people BS/MM/OW are just that, people. In all their glory they are still humans. And humans are by far perfect. Mistake will always be made, choices will always be there....good or bad.

 

There's a poster on here named Owl. He is a BS from way back. It looks like he used to be quite active on the Infidelity board, but less so now. Now I see him a lot on the OW/OM forum. I haven't talked to him about it (or at all - he's never posted on one of my threads), but I think that he's doing exactly what BetrayedH suggested, except that now instead of focusing on the BSs, he's trying to help the OW/OMs.

 

I admire the people who stay on here and help people out. I find them extremely helpful, and my ears perk up a little more when they post.

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compulsivedancer
A part of all of us is bad. No different with OM/OW. The difference is that most are unaware that what they are doing is bad. An OM/OW does, and doesn't care at least during the A. That's why it's so easy to presume all are evil monsters that care ONLY about themselves.

 

What they are doing is wrong, no question, and they will come up with 1,000 reasons to justify it - 'We're in love', 'I can't help who I love', 'he doesn't love his wife', etc. That's all they are - reasons, excuses really. In the end, all people know dating a married person is wrong, and OM/OW simply do not care. There is a level of selfishness involved in that that makes it easy to hate them.

 

In this one's case, she is apparently an outwardly good person. I would say, however, that continuing to date someone's husband puts her squarely in the 'bad' category. The level of selfishness is simply too high. I'm sure some here will disagree, but as a whole, what they are doing is so damaging and they don't care, and to me, that's bad.

 

You may be surprised that she wasn't a complete bitch, but don't assume she's a sweetheart, because she isn't.

 

But just because she's doing something awful doesn't mean that she can't still over good advice and help.

 

Just realize that there is good AND bad in her. Take the good advice and realize take the rest with a grain of salt.

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Betterthanthis13
I found out 6 years ago about my ExH betrayal. We did not know what we were doing and he said he was sorry and would never hurt me again, so I believed him and I thought we moved past it. I discovered within months he was continuing his affair and he chose to leave me. We divorced that same year and I have been an emotional basket case ever since.

 

I was and am angry and bitter. During my singleness I started reading stories at an erotic website, and that led to me becoming a member of the forums. I have now been at the site for many years and in those years I have exposed many married men to their wives. I never planned on exposing anybody, but one day I had a married man continuing to send me private messages after I asked him to stop. When he continued I came up with a plan to get any information from him that I could, and then expose him to his wife if I could find her. I felt she had a right to know.

 

I began to discover that he and other men would give identifying information rather freely. Therefore, I began to expose these men when I had enough identifiable information to find their wives. Now, what led me to SI in recent months is the AP of one of these men. All of the wives I contacted were hurt but thankful I had given them the truth and offered proof. Some of the proof was solid and some of it was circumstantial, but all of the women were smart enough to connect the dots, all of the wives but one.

 

I contacted one wife and gave her proof her husband was at the site talking about sex and flirting with women. She was understandably upset, but she believed what I showed her and asked me not to contact her again. Within a few weeks I found evidence her husband not only was talking and flirting with various women, but he had started an emotional affair one year prior with one woman in particular. I had been asked not to contact her, but I decided she needed the new information. It was not hard and cold proof, but it was very easy to connect the dots and tie the two of them together. She did not believe me and she was angry that I brought her more evidence.

 

I had lost the plot during this time and I kept working to expose not only the husband on this erotic site, but also his AP. Needless to say, many people on the site thought I should mind my own business, as they were doing the same thing the WS and his AP were doing. His AP agreed to talk to me on the phone after I threatened to out her in real life. Now, I will admit I put some very distasteful things out in the open on the site and she stopped posting. I knew when we spoke she would be hateful and rude, but I was wrong.

 

She was kind and she talked to me about what I had gone through, and she told me I was hurting myself more than I was hurting the men I was exposing. She told me I could choose to heal my pain and become a better person. She was not who I expected her to be, but she is still an AP. I decided to take her advice and find a professional to talk to. I also started researching online to find help for those hurt by betrayal, and that is how I found LS and other online help.

 

Now, my messed up self is confused. She helped me after I treated her poorly and humiliated her time and time again. BUT, I know she is continuing the affair with him. When I spoke with her she would not under any circumstance answer any questions that pertained to him in any way. She would change the subject or say she wasn’t going to answer questions about him. I know she is a bad person because she is in an affair with a married man, but I can tell you I have never come across a person so willing to listen to me (a stranger, if not enemy) and help and encourage me. She never called me a name or said anything negative about what I did to her.

 

I am trying to heal and rid myself of the bitterness I feel, but I also cannot reconcile that woman being kind (genuinely kind) and also being an AP. APs are evil and destructive people. One of them helped my Ex destroy my life and family. I also hate knowing that they are continuing the affair and the wife is too scared to face the truth. I know the cliff she is about to fall off of and I hate it for her, but she will not listen to reason and I promised the AP I would leave them all alone. Is it really harmful to me to expose these men and give their wives the gift of truth? I want them to be able to make informed decisions about their futures.

 

Go ahead and tell me how crazy I am.

 

I do not think you are crazy at all. I think you are a very compassionate person who is struggling to find any compassion for the AP in question. If your ultimate goal is your own happiness, vigilante justice might be less of a solution for you than finding an alternative way to exercise your compassion for other BS's, as someone else suggested, and working on your own ability to find a way to forgive things that on the surface, are incomprehensible and unforgivable. Your own peace of mind is more important than sacrificing your well being in the name of "justice", IMO.

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My take (for what it's worth :o);

I think you are doing a great service in that you are bringing the Truth to light. The truth is Never bad. Hurtful? Yes. But bad/wrong? Nope.

 

BUT, I think your role in this should be to ALSO get You to a better place filled w/peace and a healed heart. Now I did Not write "tolerant" ! Peace does Not necessarily mean acceptance or tolerance of something that is harmful such as an A*

 

There are Many OW/OM who are lost, hurting, angry, damaged that, aide from cheating are Really great in other areas of their lives. They need understanding, compassion and kindness along with the truth in order for them to get "right" w/themselves if that is indeed what they want. (Oh how I wish I were like this w/WS's... I'm such a POOH when it comes to that particular A dynamic!) :o:mad::(

 

Seriously though, Six years is a LONG time to carry such Anger twentyfor/seven.

I hope that you can soon come to a place where you continue making a difference, just more out of love & compassion instead of angry vengeance.

 

All my Best,

CIH*

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Sorry but this isn't rocket science. People are complex and capable of great things and awful things at times simultaneously.

 

Instead of focusing on all of these external forces, you need to focus on yourself, your healing and get back to a whole complete you. Please seek IC

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