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Changes in sexual behavior.


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Hi guys, I need some advise from someone because I'm slowly going crazy.

 

Here's my story.

My girlfriend and I have been toghether for 3 and a half years now. At first she allways was a little bit timid and shy when it came to sex. It took us a while to get there but after a couple of months we got to our common ground where we both were comfortable in our sex life.

About a year ago, I lost my job and it has had a profound effect on my self esteem. I have had other jobs since but haven't been able to hold on to one and I have to admit that there were periods where I just let go and didn't get of the couch for weeks on end.

Around the same time my girlfirend finally found her dream job and that has given her a tremendous boost in self confidence.

After a while our sex life took a serious hit, we went from several times a week to once or twice a month. I mainly blamed that on my lack of self confidence, my lack of initiative and she being tired a lot because of her new job.

The few times we did have sex, it was still the same as before.

However, since a couple of months, she started asking for other things in the bedroom, rougher, kinkyer stuff. She is also a lot more confident than before. At first I blamed it on the shift in confidence on other levels in our lives but as of late I can't help but notice that she is actually getting very experienced at all the "new stuff" we are doing while we still aren't having sex more than once a month.

It's now up to a point where I really can't explain it any other way than that she is getting "practice" somewhere else.

 

What do you guys think?

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Are there other red flags like her coming home late, going out for drinks with other, girls night out at bars? It is possible that she is just merely talking to her new female workers about sex.

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Well, the thing is, the job she has had for the last year now doesn't really require any changes. She had to work late regularly from the get go, however she is also a bit of her own boss. If she feels like leaving early, she can.

As of girlfriends, she is spending less time with her more prudish friends lately, and more with the ones I know have a tendensy towards promiscuity.

As far as other red flags, I spotted her acting really shady with her cell phone once. But only once...

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Don't let her know you are digging and do some digging. This sort of thing can be a sign of cheating...

 

Or it can be a sign she is trying to respark your sex life. I have a friend who is very sexually open. Very. I don't hang out with her much because frankly we differ on a lot of things. But she is great for sex advice. Funny thing is I saw her less during my A... So hanging out with her means nothing as to my decision to cheat.

 

The BS on here will have a lot of suggestions on how to catch a cheater. But the biggest thing that I see is not to tip your hand too early. Have concrete proof before you do or you may never know anything.

 

Btw, you say sex once a month. Who initiates it? How ofteb is sex turned down? By whom? Do you comminucate about how good the sex is?

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I'm always a little more hesitant to suggest snooping on a GF as compared to a spouse but the fact remains that it's the way to get to the truth.

 

Easiest way is usually the phone itself (texts, of course). Then there's comparing it to the bill to see if texts are being deleted and what numbers are frequent. Checking her internet history and financials can also help.

 

If you see more red flags from these, there's a lot of other more aggressive methods (keyloggers fo computers, voice activated recorders, and GPS units).

 

As Coolit mentioned, avoid that overwhelming urge to confront her with weak or no evidence. It gets turned around on you and then they make a point to hide everything - it blows your one chance to know the truth and accomplishes nothing.

 

To more directly answer your question, yes, changes in sexual behavior can be a red flag (more sex, less sex, or wilder sex). But by itself it's not a great predictor. I'm more concerned about her being sketchy with her phone (even once). Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing.

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What you describe could be a sign of cheating so I would be alert/investigate further.

 

However, maybe she is just feeling more comfortable with you and herself to explore something she was always interested in but too shy to let you know. In that case her knowledge could be coming from her natural inclinations and/or stuff shes read about or seen online. Have you talked to her about these changes?

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She probably read Fifty Shades of Gray and it gave her ideas...

 

But if you can't talk openly about your sex life, then your relationship isn't as strong as you might think.

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Well, to fully explain the sketchy behaviour with the cell phone; she came home one night, we talked for like five min. then I said I needed to do something first and from the side of my eyes I could see her run off to the toilet (the only room in our appartment with a lock) with her cell phone in her hands. I immediately got suspicious so I took some laundry laying around in the living room and took it to the bedroom, for whitch I have to pass by the toilet, slowing down on my way to try to hear something. She must have heard something because she immediately came out of the toilet (this was only 2 min after she had gone in and I'm positive she didn't do anything you normally do on the toilet - no flush) still holding her cellphone close to her and really eyeing the living room - where she thought I would be. When she spotted that I was standing behind her instead of in front of her, she really had the look of someone caught in the act. I asked 'is something wrong?' and she snapped 'No!'. Then she immediately went into the shower, still holding on to her phone. After that, I had gone back into the living room because I couldn't keep hanging around the toilet/bathroom without raising too much suspicion. I could hear her come out of the bathroom, check wether I was anywhere near the toilet, and in she went again. This time for a long time. After that, she came out -no flush- went back in, flushed, and then didn't wash her hands (something she ALWAYS does). After that she joined me in front of the TV, went to bed early and 'forgot' her cellphone with me. Nothing was to be found on it, not even a website she would have looked at, just nothing.

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We talked about the changes in our sex life, and she said it was just her being more confident in her life now.

I had been telling myself the same thing for months before but the thing that is bothering me is that she just seems so experienced at all the "new" things she wants to do. Confidence goes a long way, but some things just take practice.

And she's not practicing a lot with me...

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Well, to fully explain the sketchy behaviour with the cell phone; she came home one night, we talked for like five min. then I said I needed to do something first and from the side of my eyes I could see her run off to the toilet (the only room in our appartment with a lock) with her cell phone in her hands. I immediately got suspicious so I took some laundry laying around in the living room and took it to the bedroom, for whitch I have to pass by the toilet, slowing down on my way to try to hear something. She must have heard something because she immediately came out of the toilet (this was only 2 min after she had gone in and I'm positive she didn't do anything you normally do on the toilet - no flush) still holding her cellphone close to her and really eyeing the living room - where she thought I would be. When she spotted that I was standing behind her instead of in front of her, she really had the look of someone caught in the act. I asked 'is something wrong?' and she snapped 'No!'. Then she immediately went into the shower, still holding on to her phone. After that, I had gone back into the living room because I couldn't keep hanging around the toilet/bathroom without raising too much suspicion. I could hear her come out of the bathroom, check wether I was anywhere near the toilet, and in she went again. This time for a long time. After that, she came out -no flush- went back in, flushed, and then didn't wash her hands (something she ALWAYS does). After that she joined me in front of the TV, went to bed early and 'forgot' her cellphone with me. Nothing was to be found on it, not even a website she would have looked at, just nothing.

 

This is the typical thing that tips off a betrayed partner. If you confront her, you can trust that she's made up a believeable story by now and is probably more careful now. I caught my wife with a GPS on her car.

 

Most of us here have learned that you should trust your gut and investigate. Once you have enough proof that you know for sure, you can choose to confront her or dump her. Keep in mind that you don't have to convince her that she's cheating; she already knows. You just need to convince yourself so you can make a confident decision.

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Mickey_Fitzpatrick

Being secretive with the phone probably is the most common sign of cheating and fairly easy to spot.

 

Deleting texts and browsing history also is suspect.

 

You say she left the phone with you after the bathroom episode. How is she normally with her phone - does she take it everywhere, in the bathroom, practically put it under her pillow when she sleeps?

 

Also, is she someone who deletes all texts and all browsing history? If so, has she always done this?

 

Also fairly common is a change in attitude or demeanor towards you. Does she seem more distant with you, does she get more easily agitated by you, does everything you say seems like it annoys her?

 

Regardless of whether she's cheating or not, the drastic decline in the amount of sex is not good for your marriage. If you become roommates instead of lovers, her sexual desire for you will fade.

 

How often do you tell her how hot and sexy she is, express your desire for her, pay attention to her? How often do you initiate? Do you ever turn her down when she initiates?

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Yes, she has been easily annoyed at me lately, yes she has been spending considderably more time and money on her appearance, yes she has accused ME of cheating without any reasonable reason...

There are more than a few red flags but they can all be explained with other factors as well. The only thing I can't explain is that she seems to be gaining a lot of sexual experience without having much sex with me.

To be honest, I have done quite a bit of snooping lately and I have never found anything really incriminating. There are zero suspicious texts or phonecalls, not on her cellphone and not on the bill. I know most of her passwords on her computer, but she knows that I do. She has never been secretive about them, and she has never changed any of the passwords.

She's not the kind of person to do things half assed so if she was cheating on me, I don't think she would be leaving clues in obvious places.

The thing that's on my mind right now is that she has a second cellphone/ second sim card that she keeps at work and that the bathroom episode was a one off thing where she wasn't done talking to the other guy during work hours and had to do a sim swap at home.

I would really like to know things for sure but its hard to spy on her. She doesn't use her personal computer much, her phone is of a type you can't put spyware on, she commutes to work by train so planting a GPS/VAR is going to be hard...

Any other suggestions?

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you dont say how old you are but it could be possible she already has experience in this area from previous relationships.......if you dont like the kinkier stuff you need to let her know because your self esteem will take a hit..already is by the surface of insecurity about her fidelity...even more so...if you dont speak up........she may have more confidence that doesnt mean that what you like or dont like isnt a consideration or that your boundaries should be over looked at all...........deb

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Self esteem pure and simple. Get off the couch and get a job, go to the gym, don't sit and mope, envying your girl for having her dream job is just going to create unnecessary drama. Note this all began when you lost your job and she got hers.

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