giantfan Posted September 26, 2013 Share Posted September 26, 2013 Hello I am just about 3 years dd. Wife had 1 year affair with a old friend that she reconnected with, guess where? FB. When I found out she gave me her pw to FB. She was friends with him, his 2 brothers and his 2 sisters. I asked her to get rid of FB and she refused. I deleted all of his family from her account and she was ok with it. I told his wife about the affair and he ended up deleted his FB. My issue has been that 1 sister has been trying to re-friend my w this whole time. I no longer have her pw because she changed it but I saw the sisters request last week. I told my wife why is the sister able to try and friend you, use the FB block. My w told me that she hasn't accepted the request and that I should be happy about it and the sister didn't do anything wrong we have common friends from growing up. I reply that it bothers me and that I didn't cause this situation. She cries and says that I can't let anything go. After 3 years if I can say that I didn't cause this situation means that we haven't moved on. Does my request seem reasonable ? Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Betrayed&Stayed Posted September 26, 2013 Share Posted September 26, 2013 It is a reasonable request. Why should you fret that he is Facebook lurking/stalking your wife's account via his sister's account? Not to mention the whole Facebook thing is a huge trigger for you. She should be able to recognize that fact and respect your requests. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Betterthanthis13 Posted September 26, 2013 Share Posted September 26, 2013 I think she is being unreasonable. Not you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
underwater2010 Posted September 26, 2013 Share Posted September 26, 2013 No you are not being unreasonable. I expect that my husband has no contact forever with his MOW. That includes mutual friends/relatives. If she respects you then she will understand where you are coming from. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted September 26, 2013 Share Posted September 26, 2013 Why does she have a password that you have no access to? She lost her right to secrecy, specially from you. If she can't do it in front of you she shouldn't be doing it. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
whatatangledweb Posted September 26, 2013 Share Posted September 26, 2013 Yes, it is reasonable. Your wife should be able to see why it is needed. I would expect her to block her just as you asked. She also should not be changing her password without giving it to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted September 26, 2013 Share Posted September 26, 2013 She shouldn't have refused to give up FB. She shouldn't have changed her password. She shouldn't hesitate to block the OMs family. A truly remorseful wayward would see giving up FB as a mandatory and simple requirement. She would have done it on her own. It's a freaking no brainer since it was the vehicle for her affair. Apparently FB is more important than you. I won't even start about her "get over it, already" comment. Dude, I would make it clear where the door is if she can't handle doing what it takes to restore her marriage after she screwed it up. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted September 26, 2013 Share Posted September 26, 2013 I think she is being unreasonable. Not you. Stop beating around the bush. Think Nothing to think about. She is unreasonable. This WW has lost her right to have blind trust. This WW must not be allowed to keep any password from her BH. BH, tell your WW that NC includes the whole OM family not just the OM. By the way who in the OM's family knows about the affair? Another must of for you to secretly install a key logger on the PC. Also monitor the phone bills. Tell WW only those with nothing to hide, hide nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted September 26, 2013 Share Posted September 26, 2013 3 years ago she was screwing another man for a year and putting your health at risk for STD's. She has now changed her password so you cannot access it and tells you it is time for you to get over it?............What is wrong with this picture? If you had screwed another woman behind her back for a year how do you think she would take it if you told her to just get over it? Why did you accept such humiliation and disrespect from her? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
James-London Posted September 26, 2013 Share Posted September 26, 2013 I agree with what everyone is saying above. Although being cheated on by the love of my life is probably the worst experiences of my life, I feel I have grown as a person from it. I do not allow others to treat me badly anymore and I stand by my values of what I need and want. In short - I can see these power games and I will no longer be a doormat. I am disheartened to see that you are even asking the question about whether your request is reasonable or not. Were you not hurt enough from the last affair to want to now protect yourself and stand up for yourself? You MUST understand that you were the victim here so what is "reasonable" here is whatever is reasonable for you. Finally, you should seriously ask yourself if she is cheating now - with the same guy or someone new. DO NOT tell her your are suspicious and DO NOT ask for her telephone records. As soon as she knows you are on to her, she will find a way to hide her activity. In fact, the cheating will become even more exciting for her. I am not going to recommend that you snoop on her without her permission or tell you how to do this. All that information is already publically available online if you want to find it. What you choose to do is your own decision. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Debanked Posted September 26, 2013 Share Posted September 26, 2013 It's a reasonable request and I'm suprised that after having "reconnected" with an old friend via FB and had an affair from it, she is still using FB at all. It is eroding your marriage. Dump FB. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted September 26, 2013 Share Posted September 26, 2013 I agree with others. Also did you ever get couples therapy over the affair? Sometimes having a third party involved who will support your request is helpful something like this. Maybe time to touch base or return for followup visits as your wife simple feels its time to forget and return to pre affair life (which is never possible). 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted September 26, 2013 Share Posted September 26, 2013 Hello I am just about 3 years dd. Wife had 1 year affair with a old friend that she reconnected with, guess where? FB. When I found out she gave me her pw to FB. She was friends with him, his 2 brothers and his 2 sisters. I asked her to get rid of FB and she refused. I deleted all of his family from her account and she was ok with it. I told his wife about the affair and he ended up deleted his FB. My issue has been that 1 sister has been trying to re-friend my w this whole time. I no longer have her pw because she changed it but I saw the sisters request last week. I told my wife why is the sister able to try and friend you, use the FB block. My w told me that she hasn't accepted the request and that I should be happy about it and the sister didn't do anything wrong we have common friends from growing up. I reply that it bothers me and that I didn't cause this situation. She cries and says that I can't let anything go. After 3 years if I can say that I didn't cause this situation means that we haven't moved on. Does my request seem reasonable ? Thanks If she cries, then let her cry. If she complains about you not letting things go, tell her, "I did once and you screwed another man, and if you think I'm going to go through that hell again your crazy." Then leave it at that. Not to mention that you tell her that if she changes her password again without you knowledge, then you can only assume that she's up to no good. She has herself only to blame for this mess and should be lucky she's still there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
klotzak Posted September 26, 2013 Share Posted September 26, 2013 You are absolutely spot on here mate, accept no excuse and get this rectified ASAP. You are injured party here so FWIW I don't think it is even a millionth of one percent out of line. If she refuses to get rid of FB then you may have to think of a solution here, but I wouldn't be happy at all. Maybe the palatable solution is you both leave FB, but if she doesn't at least show you her FB at random times when you ask then I'd be thinking the worst....everybody gets one chance and I think she's had hers. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted September 26, 2013 Share Posted September 26, 2013 When I found out she gave me her pw to FB. She was friends with him, his 2 brothers and his 2 sisters. I asked her to get rid of FB and she refused. Wow. Just wow. She has an affair that got started with FB and refuses to get rid of FB. Talk about lack of true remorse. You cannot get over it because without true remorse from her you cannot ever feel safe. I no longer have her pw because she changed it Again, just wow. Further proof of her lack of remorse. She f**ked another man for almost a year and feels no obligation to give up FB for you, or to even let you have her password. She will not accept even the smallest consequences for her actions. She does not care to do any work much less the heavy lifting needed to have true reconciliation. The issue here is that you gave her reconciliation too easily so she does not appreciate it. This other issue that you bring up is a side product of the real issue that she does not respect you. Without this respect their can be no true long term reconciliation. You do not feel safe, because she has made very little effort to make you feel safe. And the truth be told, you are not safe as, based on what you have said, she is likely to cheat again. You need to do now what you should have done then. You must be willing to end the marraige in order to have a marriage long term worth having. Tell her that accept when you are in the bathroom, their is no expectation of privacy in a good marraige, that only cheaters need privacy from their spouses. Demand full transpancy going forward without complaint, that includes all passwords. Demand that she get off of FB; tell her that if she picks FB over your marriage, then her picking another man over you in the future would be easy. Tell her that the reason that you cannot get over her betrayal is because she has given you no reason to get over it. Tell her that she has not done the heavy lifting needed and is that would be expected of a truly remorseful spouse that cares about their spouse. Tell her that you are tired of waiting for her to step up to the plate on this and that if she does not get with the program soon, then you will be ending the marriage. Say this and mean it or she will call your bluff like she has always been able to do in the past. As for your question is this "too much to ask", the answer is no, it is too little to ask. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted September 26, 2013 Share Posted September 26, 2013 you need to retrieve your balls from her purse and stand up for yourself. to be honest, her sister doesn't seem like a friend of the marriage if she's instigating this discord between the two of you. either she gives up Facebook or you walk. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted September 26, 2013 Share Posted September 26, 2013 ... After 3 years if I can say that I didn't cause this situation means that we haven't moved on. Does my request seem reasonable ? Quote from your OP. Do I understand this to say that she wants you to accept responsibility for her cheating and subsequent non-remorseful behavior? If I'm not understanding what you meant here please set me straight. Do you have children? Are either of you seeing a counselor? Marriage counselor? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted September 26, 2013 Share Posted September 26, 2013 The question is why GiantsFan is accepting his wife changing her passwords and not doing anything about it. Maybe he has an answer for that? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted September 26, 2013 Share Posted September 26, 2013 If she cries, then let her cry. If she complains about you not letting things go, tell her, "I did once and you screwed another man, and if you think I'm going to go through that hell again your crazy." Then leave it at that. Not to mention that you tell her that if she changes her password again without you knowledge, then you can only assume that she's up to no good. She has herself only to blame for this mess and should be lucky she's still there. Good advice. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author giantfan Posted October 1, 2013 Author Share Posted October 1, 2013 Quote from your OP. Do I understand this to say that she wants you to accept responsibility for her cheating and subsequent non-remorseful behavior? If I'm not understanding what you meant here please set me straight. Do you have children? Are either of you seeing a counselor? Marriage counselor? She doesn't want me to not throw the affair in her face. After seeing the sisters request, I think me saying that I didn't cause this was as nice as I could be. It is all about her affair and her actions. How could I not bring the affair up. She/we could have all been friends with the sister and the op. I didn't cause it We went to counseling right after dd. When things were as raw and painful as can be. We probably went to 6 sessions together. After most sessions it took me a 1/2 a day to process everything that we talked about in the session. Some days we walked out and argued. It was very hard for me. The last session we went to, the therapist asked her "didn't you know the consequences of your actions?" Her answer was "I was so caught up in it that I didn't care" I told the therapist that her comment was a bold lie because she told me that the boyfriend asked her "what would your husband do if he found out? That to me tells me she was well aware. We fought about it on the way home and she says that's the last time I go to counseling, if you need to go then you go. I don't want to fight with you every time we go. I have kids and that is what has kept me going. I don't want to be without them. Its 3 years and still emotionally painful. Link to post Share on other sites
Author giantfan Posted October 1, 2013 Author Share Posted October 1, 2013 The question is why GiantsFan is accepting his wife changing her passwords and not doing anything about it. Maybe he has an answer for that? Thank you all for your support. It is greatly appreciated. To answer this question. I love my kids and I don't want to be a weekend dad. I am emotionally drained and don't want to fight anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Betterthanthis13 Posted October 1, 2013 Share Posted October 1, 2013 Thank you all for your support. It is greatly appreciated. To answer this question. I love my kids and I don't want to be a weekend dad. I am emotionally drained and don't want to fight anymore. One thing I have noticed... It's often much easier for a person to identify what they "don't want" than it is to identify what they DO want. It's draining to fight against what you don't want. It's empowering (scary, but empowering) to fight for what you DO want. What do you want? Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted October 1, 2013 Share Posted October 1, 2013 therapist asked her "didn't you know the consequences of your actions?" Her answer was "I was so caught up in it that I didn't care" I told the therapist that her comment was a bold lie because she told me that the boyfriend asked her "what would your husband do if he found out? That to me tells me she was well aware. We fought about it on the way home and she says that's the last time I go to counseling, if you need to go then you go. I don't want to fight with you every time we go. Your WW did not lie. She did not care. You did not know that she was cheating. Your WW as other WW's figure that they never will get caught. So there was no need to care. WW's rewrite the marital history to justify in their own mind that it is ok for them to have an affair. Just because they believe the excuses they make up when rewriting the marital history does not make it the truth. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HtotheN Posted October 1, 2013 Share Posted October 1, 2013 Everyone has already given good advice and said what I was going to. One point though regarding getting rid of facebook or any other social media: WH got rid of his as soon as I discovered his, and created a new one with a different name. (I found out about the new one just months ago.) If they are not finished with the cheating, they just go underground after being caught. And although I understand why some use keyloggers, etc. I would not because I have come to realize that if you have to resort to being a detective, it's already over and it's time to get out. Link to post Share on other sites
Jonah Posted October 1, 2013 Share Posted October 1, 2013 Thank you all for your support. It is greatly appreciated. To answer this question. I love my kids and I don't want to be a weekend dad. I am emotionally drained and don't want to fight anymore. My experience as a weekend dad was absolutely splendid! I actually had them a day during the week as well and me and the boys had a great time. Every time I had them was a holiday for us. Once my ex let me have primary residence that all changed to chores and homework. But don't be afraid of being a weekend dad, it's fun stuff! I remember it as being one of the greatest times of my life. If you don't want to fight it anymore, then please stop fighting it. Let her have her precious facebook but no husband! :-D I hate to say it, but what a piece of crap W you have. It won't be hard for you to do better if you want to. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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