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Honesty and reconciliation


Truth81

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I cheated on my wife by having an emotional affair online with another woman. She definitely knows about me chatting with women behind her back. She has solid proof of it and I admitted to it. She does not know, but is suspicious, about my relationship with one woman in particular. I know it would be more than she could deal with, and she would leave me, therefore I have not admitted to it.

 

I read about needing to tell the complete truth to begin reconciliation, but I believe not telling her about the emotional affair is better for our marriage. I do not believe she could handle knowing about the length and depth of the affair.

 

She has no way of finding out about the long term affair, therefore I do not see the positive side of hurting her with the information.

 

I am open to your thoughts. Is it ever better to give a partial truth and not open the BS to more pain? Why hurt her with what she has not and will not find out?

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NotTheLuckyOne

What you are doing right there is what my WW has done to me.

 

My opinion, have the respect for her to tell her the whole truth, because being lied to flat out sucks. What she can or can't handle is not something for you to decide.

 

Ask yourself the same question, would you rather know the whole truth, or maybe possibly (however unlikely) find out later that there was a lie festering under the surface the whole time?

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Controlling the information your spouse has is tricking her into staying married to you. So you really want to be a person who has to resort to this? It's pretty pathetic.

Integrity: telling the truth, letting go of the outcome.

You may not want an authentic life but don't you dare take this choice away from your wife.

I know I'm being harsh, I'm a former wayward

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Hmm. So it's your judgment that she can't handle the truth. How's your judgement been lately? Maybe she can make decisions for herself? When is it her turn?

 

You haven't been honest with her for a while now. Is she a child? Have her actions been juvenile? Or has it been yours?

 

She deserves the respect to make an informed decision about how to move forward with her life.

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it's impossible to begin true reconciliation and build your marriage on shaky foundation.

regardless of whether she knows of all the other women, she needs to have full truth. you've already hurt her, now you're protecting her from hurt?

 

it is horrifically demeaning and condescending that you will pick and choose what she should know.

if you respect her and really want to have an honest, adult relationship - be honest and adult.

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What is destroyed by the truth should be.

 

Quite frankly, you are in no position to speak to what is in the best interest of your wife or your marriage, you forfeited that position.

 

If you could handle betraying your wife, believe me, your wife can handle the truth. She NEEDS to know that she is not safe with you any longer.

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Betterthanthis13

You already hurt her by what you did with those women, AND by lying to her about what you did with those women. You stop hurting her with the first part by stopping the cheating behavior. You stop hurting her with the second part by stopping the lying.

 

You can't protect her feelings with more lies any more than you can protect her feelings with more cheating. Be brave and tell the truth.

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Betrayed&Stayed
I read about needing to tell the complete truth to begin reconciliation, but I believe not telling her about the emotional affair is better for our marriage. I do not believe she could handle knowing about the length and depth of the affair.

 

Correction: not telling "is better for" YOU!.

Correction: YOU can't handle her "knowing about the length and depth of the affair"

 

This has been discussed ad nauseam on this forum. It always comes down to the betrayed spouses say Truth; cheaters say Lie.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/422365-betrayed-spouses-partners-do-you-really-want-know

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...

 

I am open to your thoughts. Is it ever better to give a partial truth and not open the BS to more pain?

It is never better to lie. Sorry. Lies destroy trust, you can't have a relationship without trust. It's too fundamental to everything you have together, especially communication.

 

Why hurt her with what she has not and will not find out?

LIke someone said already, it's the EA that hurts her, it's the LIE that hurts. The truth is what will start to restore trust. Want proof? Compare what happens if she discovers that truth on her own vs you confessing. Big difference. You telling the truth = a good thing, even if you split. At least then less time is wasted on a bad relationship that she should have been freed from long ago. Or maybe she'll be moved by your honesty and stay. I'm serious when I say the lies and partial truths are the worst thing of all. Not the EA. At least if you come completely clean she will have a head start on believing what you say again.
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Betterthanthis13
I cheated on my wife by having an emotional affair online with another woman. She definitely knows about me chatting with women behind her back. She has solid proof of it and I admitted to it. She does not know, but is suspicious, about my relationship with one woman in particular. I know it would be more than she could deal with, and she would leave me, therefore I have not admitted to it.

 

I read about needing to tell the complete truth to begin reconciliation, but I believe not telling her about the emotional affair is better for our marriage. I do not believe she could handle knowing about the length and depth of the affair.

 

Is that the truth? Or is the truth that YOU cannot handle owning up to what you did?

 

She has no way of finding out about the long term affair, therefore I do not see the positive side of hurting her with the information.

 

I am open to your thoughts. Is it ever better to give a partial truth and not open the BS to more pain?

 

No

 

Why hurt her with what she has not and will not find out?

 

You said in the first paragraph... she is already suspicious. Don't torture her with more lies

 

I understand that it is scary. You did something really messed up. She is going to be mad, hurt, and have a lot of questions...no doubt about it. You made a bad choice. You came here looking for advice, hoping to make a good choice this time. Listen to what everyone is saying. Stand up and be the person you want to be, the man she needs you to be, and put both the lying and the cheating in the past.

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Truth81 wrote, "but I believe not telling her about the emotional affair is better for our marriage."

 

Truth81, Better for "the Marriage"... or better for You in your Marriage"??

 

Why don't you want to leave Your Wife if you've been cheating ALL this time and lying ALL this time?

 

What is it in you that you cheat and lie to Your Wife?

 

Are you Insecure?

Do you feel you deserve the extra P*ssy?

Are these trysts to continue to prove to yourself that you "still got it"?

Does it secretly give you a Power Trip to seek & Conquer?

Do you have secret 'resentment" towards Your W?

Do you just Not like women?

Are you addicted to Sex with multiple partners (online EA or PA)?

Do you have children?

Are you "middle-aged"?

Do you practice Self-destructive behaviors in other parts of your life?

Did Anyone close to you cheat?

Did you think they were "cool" because they cheated?

 

Just curious*

CIH

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Well I suppose it depends on what you want from your marriage.

 

1. A marriage of equals in which you are honest and treat each other as adults.

2. A marriage with secrets at the heart that won't be good enough to prevent you cheating again.

 

BTW have you addressed the reasons for your cheating? What will stop you doing this again?

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