Infidelity pain is the worst pain of all

[Pcilla]

My "husband" of 20 years...we've lived together but never married...confessed to a 2 year, long distance affair about a month ago. I have never been in so much pain for so long. I keep thinking if I know everything about the affair I'll be able to begin healing but just when I think he's told me everything, I ask a question and more painful details come out. I haven't been able to sleep without bad dreams. I haven't been able to eat; lost approximately 25 pounds in 5 weeks. I struggle to concentrate at work. Initially when he told me about the affair I debated whether to leave him. I'd always told him I would leave if he cheated but I thought it was a 1 time thing. When I found out it went on for 2 years (they would meet in hotels every 4 months or so for sexfests weekends). I feel like such a fool. I trusted him implicitly so when he said he was visiting family or working out of town or spending the weekend with the fellas, I believed him. I didn't think I needed to be concerned. His cheating began in 2008 and continued to 2010. I should mention my "husband is transgendered. He made this proclamation in 2008.We'd been together as a lesbian couple for 14 years when he confessed she/he was a male. I rode a real roller coaster during this time. I identified as bi-sexual so I really didn't struggle with her being a him but I went through so much of his testosterone fueled moodiness, grouchiness, depression, pre surgery appointments, post surgery appointments, and I nursed him back to health after his transitional surgery. Then I find out that as soon as he decided he was transgendered (in 2008), he felt he had to display his sexual prowess by seducing a woman and using an "artificial penis" for penetration and to bring her "pleasure" (If you know what I mean) He felt he had to fulfill this desire to give a woman pleasure through penetration. I have never been able to achieve "pleasure" just from penetration and apparently this was some kind of "male fantasy" for him. I've decided to leave and have signed a years lease at an apartment. He's in therapy and has been given a fairly rare diagnosis. A diagnosis that stems from his long term sexual abuse by an uncle. He seems remorseful but thinks it's best that I leave so he can work on his complex issues. Honestly, he was a very attentive, caring, partner, bought surprise gifts, would drive long hours to take me to visit relatives etc. He was a foot-rubbing, back scratching, good man and I would never have foreseen this so the betrayal I feel is enormous. When I'm not crying, I'm screaming. When I'm not wanting to see him, I'm telling him I hate him and never want to see him again. Can somebody please tell me when I'll start to feel a little better. I'm struggling so very badly.

Edited September 25, 2013 by Pcilla
initially awkward wording

[James-London]

hi - can you just clarify: so your partner was born a female but then went through hormone therapy and surgery to become a man? Is that right? And when exactly did this transformation take place?

 

I'm sorry to hear about your partner's sexual abuse from his/her uncle. this probably played a role in the transgender decision.... Your partner is a very, deeply messed up person. I suspect that your partner cheating is just one of the unfortunate side effects of a huge amount of inner turmoil that has nothing to do with you.

 

You may wish to pity your partner. But that does not mean you should get back with him/her.

[Pcilla]

Yes, my partner was female until she decided she was not really a lesbian but was transgendered. So in 2008 she began to live her life as a man, in preparation for gender re-assignment surgery. At that time she began to take testosterone and changed her name from a very feminine name to the name of a male. I announced this to my family, explained the name change and gender change and asked that they respect my wishes and use the correct name and pronouns in referring to my partner. Approximately 2 months after beginning the testosterone, he began to cheat. Honestly, between his abuse, the abusive, womanizing behavior of all the men of his family, and having his sex drive become that of a teenage boy. His cheating was inevitable. I don't know if we'll ever be in a relationship again. Right now I'm packing and will be moving on Monday. Any suggestions on how I can deal with this intense, all consuming pain?

[harrybrown]

You may want to have your partner give you a written timeline of their activities and also answer why he had the affair. Why did he do this to you?

 

Sometimes the answers may help to get some kind of closure. Take care of yourself, do some things for you.

[jnel921]

if you are a lesbian why would you agree to stay with her when she decided she wanted to be a man. I would imagine if my H decided he now wanted to be a woman I would leave right awy. I love men, always have. I doubt my decision would be ok...now I am bisexual.

 

So if it is your preference why stay?

[Pcilla]

I'm not a lesbian. If I wasn't clear enough. I am bisexual. I'd only dated men before her/him and when, if I date again my interest is in dating men.

[Pcilla]

if you are a lesbian why would you agree to stay with her when she decided she wanted to be a man. I would imagine if my H decided he now wanted to be a woman I would leave right awy. I love men, always have. I doubt my decision would be ok...now I am bisexual.

 

So if it is your preference why stay?

 

Maybe I wasn't clear, I am bisexual. I dated men before we got together and if I ever date again, my primary interest would likely be a man.

[BetrayedH]

There's no silver bullet solution to take the pain away. You are normal to have suffered weight loss, sleeplessness, and mind-racing.

 

Perhaps the first thing we need to learn is that our spouse's cheating wasn't about us. It is about something broken within them. Cheating isn't logical, ethical, or healthy and probably violated your partner's own standards. You didn't get a vote in those decisions. The are entirely his own. It's about him, not about you. Unfortunately, we tend to internalize it as some rejection of us instead. Knock that crap off. It's certainly ok and normal to grieve. But try to cut yourself a break.

 

I should also say that it takes time. I really shouldn't say, "knock that crap off" because you also need to be patient with yourself. Suffering infidelity with a long-term spouse can lead to PTSD-like symptoms. Grief is a process with lots of stages, many of which get revisited. Sadly, that's normal. YOU are normal.

 

I think the other poster is right about pitying your husband. These things were not your fault and as usual with infidelity, they stemmed from the wayward's family of origin and childhood. Try to focus on cutting yourself a break and determining what your second life will look like. And be patient with yourself while you do it.

[Pcilla]

You may want to have your partner give you a written timeline of their activities and also answer why he had the affair. Why did he do this to you?

 

Sometimes the answers may help to get some kind of closure. Take care of yourself, do some things for you.

 

I actually had him do this. He wrote me a letter detailing his betrayal and how intensely it has affected me. He was actually fairly accurate which made me think, "At least he's listening to my ranting and feelings of devastation." He knows his years of sexual abuse influenced his cheating and his psychiatric diagnosis influenced his cheating, but he really can't articulate exactly why he was willing to throw "us" away. He says all the usual stuff, "I didn't think I would get caught, I ended the physical part of it 2 plus years ago, It was exciting and I got caught up in the thrill of it etc. etc." But this person is not superficial so he knows and I know it wasn't just for these shallow reasons. That's the reason he is in therapy, taking psychotropic medications, dealing with his history of abuse etc. That's also the reason I'm leaving. I need time to heal and he has said he needs me to leave so he can learn how not to be "an abuser and user" like all the men in his family. He says until he absolutely knows he can manage his "abuser and user ways" he doesn't want to take the chance of ever hurting me again. I may be foolish but I believe him. He was good to me for a lot of years...until he wasn't because of the cheating.

Edited September 26, 2013 by Pcilla