Jump to content

WS Holds "all the Cards"?


ComingInHot

Recommended Posts

After reading many threads on Infidelity, cheating, the players in the A game, it occurred to me that the one player holding all or Most of the cards is the WS.

 

I think the AP (ow/om) sometimes may think they do ie; sexier or younger or more fun or whatever, but when Push comes to shove or D-day hits, the ap discovers they may have only been holding the jokers.

I think this is what gets me so hot...

Here the WS Spouse has Their spouse & the AP yet can't "come clean", Choose one or the other then cries "poor me, I love TWO people, whatever shall I do!!"

 

Well, they are the only ones who TRULY know there feelings.

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites
After reading many threads on Infidelity, cheating, the players in the A game, it occurred to me that the one player holding all or Most of the cards is the WS.

 

I think the AP (ow/om) sometimes may think they do ie; sexier or younger or more fun or whatever, but when Push comes to shove or D-day hits, the ap discovers they may have only been holding the jokers.

I think this is what gets me so hot...

Here the WS Spouse has Their spouse & the AP yet can't "come clean", Choose one or the other then cries "poor me, I love TWO people, whatever shall I do!!"

 

Well, they are the only ones who TRULY know there feelings.

 

Its BS in the traditional meaning of that acronym and the first woman that calls it usually wins that hand.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I think that is why you have to take the cards away.

 

Here's the door and a packed suitcase. Good luck to the both of you.

 

Then call trusted friends, family, the other BS if there is one, and a divorce attorney for a free consult.

 

Everyone gets tested for STDs and results are shared with all affected parties.

 

Kids get signed up for counseling and the WS is invited to attend to.

 

See how easy that was?

 

He may THINK he loves two people, but I'm pretty sure I LOVE AND RESPECT myself more than to put up with this nonsense.

 

if the WS wants to have a conversation about reconciling, it MUST always be prefaced by the BS asking, "Well, how is that therapy going? Any progress on WHY you lied to me for so long?"

 

This I think, is a good start to ending their confusion, don'tchathink?:mad:

  • Like 15
Link to post
Share on other sites
I think that is why you have to take the cards away.

 

Here's the door and a packed suitcase. Good luck to the both of you.

 

Then call trusted friends, family, the other BS if there is one, and a divorce attorney for a free consult.

 

Everyone gets tested for STDs and results are shared with all affected parties.

 

Kids get signed up for counseling and the WS is invited to attend to.

 

See how easy that was?

 

He may THINK he loves two people, but I'm pretty sure I LOVE AND RESPECT myself more than to put up with this nonsense.

 

if the WS wants to have a conversation about reconciling, it MUST always be prefaced by the BS asking, "Well, how is that therapy going? Any progress on WHY you lied to me for so long?"

 

This I think, is a good start to ending their confusion, don'tchathink?:mad:

 

As a Fws, I think this is excellent for several reasons:

 

1. Of all the people in the "triangle," the one who DESERVES options and choices is the BS - they are the ones who have NOT participated in the lying, deceit, and pig-like rutting.

 

2. Actions should have consequences. It is the healthy circle of life. I WS SHOULD have to self-examine, show the fruits of remorse, and work their way back. We NEED boundaries and accountability

 

3. Particularly for women, this stance shows strength in a BH instead of doormatty limbo-ish, spinlessness. A WW WORTH recovering with will be attracted by strength and boundaries and not repelled by it. Let me say that last part again:

 

A WW who is WORTH recovering with will be attracted by strength and boundaries and not repelled by them. A WW whose hackles rise at the thought of having to have consequences and accountability may not be still actively in an A, but her mind and heart are still wayward.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites

The person who isn't afraid to lose the relationship is the one who holds the cards.

 

If one person is needy/clingy/desperate to save the relationship...they forfeit their power to change the situation.

 

If you're willing to move on...typically...you're the one who maintains the power.

  • Like 13
Link to post
Share on other sites
Copelandsanity

After my D-Day:

 

1) Told her I wanted divorce soon afterwards.

2) Her out of the apartment by end of the month.

3) Looked up the laws, drafted my own agreement, negotiated extremely favorable settlement for myself.

4) No contact except for administrative matters.

 

The key aspect of the above is taking ACTION. D-Day was the worst day of my life, but I hope one day I will look at it as one of my best. It provided me the opportunity to reclaim my strength as a man.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
It's easy to see it that way in the beginning (Dday)

You think the WS has all the cards :( BUT you will soon realize that they are not playing with a full deck!:D

 

:)

 

This made me laugh out loud, but it is so true and a really good description of the confused state A create.

 

That's why it doesn't pay to listen to or get crazed by stuff like this that comes out of their mouth.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
compulsivedancer

Well, they are the only ones who TRULY know there feelings.

 

I wish this were true. I think I spend half my time trying to figure out my feelings.

 

Btw, it seems like a good portion of affairs, at least on this forum are between two married people, so you have two WSs involved, which may either simplify or complicate the equation, depending on how it plays out.

Link to post
Share on other sites
The person who isn't afraid to lose the relationship is the one who holds the cards.

 

If one person is needy/clingy/desperate to save the relationship...they forfeit their power to change the situation.

 

If you're willing to move on...typically...you're the one who maintains the power.

^

This is the real truth. I remember my therapist telling me it was usually the angry BS who had the power because they were THROUGH and ending it NOW. In my case I was so desperate to keep the family intact I gave away all my power and extended the drama for 6 months making me look weak and insane. It really sucks when you have children to protect....messes with your mind.

 

Anyway, good post OWL. Good to see you again(I was Ninja'sHusband) :)

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Right now I feel like we are playing 52 card pick up. We both take turns scattering the deck around.

 

 

It is difficult for me to accept that I will never ever know what is truly in my H's mind. What he really felt about the other women. About the attention and sex. I will never know. Not ever. Even if he is telling me the truth I won't believe him.

 

 

I want to feel empowered within myself. Not in my M. I don't want to power struggle. I feel more out of control than I ever have. I blame myself. I blame him. I blame the women.

 

 

Reminds me of song by Gnarls Barkley.

 

Crazy -" Come on now. Who do you think you are? Ha ha ha! Bless your soul. You really think you're in control?"

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

Oh my WH definitely ended up with the joker card in the end.:laugh:

 

And I am a true believer in this:

 

They only hold all the cards for as long as YOU allow them to.
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Oh my Gosh!! Best/funniest replies to any thread I've read LMAO!!!

I had a CRAZY busy day otherwise I'd have participated too*

 

Anyhooooo... I think after exOW outed the A, I picked up all the good cards and booted WH (I guess former by the time I found out*) out dadoor.

 

But to this day, now that I'm having "triggers" 3.5 years later, I have this thought popping up of, "Dude! what a lame azz coward, liar, cheater to tell both of us All that BULLHONKEY just to get his rocks off w/two women at the same time!"

She bought the bagO'sh*t thinking she was All that more than me, then made My life hell because, well, I don't know why. I mean I DID kick him out and say Go to her... sheesh!

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

lovebites, uhhhh what?

I'm reading you coming off as offended and doing that whole "grouping" thing as if all BS's are the same.

I was exow specific thanks*

and scott free?? ya No. She didn't. She had consequences that she brought on herself. But I believe she Is "better" now. I guess, I Hope she is. No more psycho, crazy A fog at least.

You're probably right about one thing though... she probably does thank her lucky stars that he didn't go to her when I kicked him out and told him to cause she is, I'm sure, way happier now that the smoke has cleared!*

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

BH kicked me out on D-day, I was defiant until a couple of months later discovered the BH was already sleeping around. That cleared up my fog. I still love that man, how could I have been so stupid?

Link to post
Share on other sites
A lot of OW's get over it just like they would any relationship gone bad. They end up thinking "thank God I didn't marry & have kids with this loser." As time goes on, the ow will most likely kiss those joker cards, sleeping with them under her pillow as a reminder, a thanks to the heavens above if you will, for not "winning" the lying cheating deceiving selfish joker, as he is no prize...well maybe he is a prize, a boobie prize ~ hahaha!

 

I also love how BS think the OW get away scott free. They don't get away scott free, they are just not the ones waking up to him every morning so they have time to distance themselves from the pain, which allows the fog to die down, which allow the ow to see the wayward spouse for who he is. It is not the ow's fault when the betrayed have spent x amount of years married to their cheater of a hubby & the OW finally clears her eyes and sees him for who he is, yet the betrayed refuse to. Low self esteem & the desire to control loves denial.

 

Who is getting away scott free? No one is my dear and most BS's far out from DDay realize this too. Either way the event (A) stays in our histories (all of us WS,BS, and OW/OM).

 

BS refuse to see the WS for who they are...um no that is not true either. In the beginning we cannot believe our WH's would do such a thing as we have trusted our spouses for many years. It takes some time to accept what has happened to us and usually when we do we can see who our WS is or was. I for one did not have low-self esteem or a desire to control my WH before his A. After the A yes my esteem suffered and I attempted to control until my therapist gave me my aha moment.

 

Everyone is in their own learning processes with this. Not every BS is the same and neither is the OW/OM or WS's. What everyone should be striving for is to become healthier people and not to hurt others.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites

Historically the husband in a marriage held all the cards. Once the woman married and had kids and aged, nobody else would have her, whereas the man might still be a hotshot with a nice job into his 50s and be lauded for being a good father etc. And historically, being alone was not an option for a woman. So the true culprit, who caused all the pain and destruction, is never brought to justice. Because the wife needs him and loves him.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Reality is if it is the woman, she can D. get custody of the kids, child support, the home, and alimony. The H can find himself giving up over 50% of his pay check to support the Ex and his kids living in his former home.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Historically the husband in a marriage held all the cards. Once the woman married and had kids and aged, nobody else would have her, whereas the man might still be a hotshot with a nice job into his 50s and be lauded for being a good father etc. And historically, being alone was not an option for a woman. So the true culprit, who caused all the pain and destruction, is never brought to justice. Because the wife needs him and loves him.

 

 

I don't know about that. I believe some WS's are brought to justice post A. R is no walk in the park for either the BS or the WS. In fact the WS usually has to work harder towards fixing the M post A than they ever did in the M.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Reality is if it is the woman, she can D. get custody of the kids, child support, the home, and alimony. The H can find himself giving up over 50% of his pay check to support the Ex and his kids living in his former home.

Long term the true loser is the person without work experience, despite the initial pay-off. If the woman was a stay-at-home mother to their children and stay-at-home wife in THEIR home, she invested in a life together, with him providing the money. It's not his money -- it's their money as a joint couple. So 50% seems fair. It's not fair for her just to live off of scraps from a minimum wage job for the rest of her life after playing her part in their joint life together including his career, just because the wind changed and another woman looks prettier.

Link to post
Share on other sites
whatatangledweb
After reading many threads on Infidelity, cheating, the players in the A game, it occurred to me that the one player holding all or Most of the cards is the WS.

 

I think the AP (ow/om) sometimes may think they do ie; sexier or younger or more fun or whatever, but when Push comes to shove or D-day hits, the ap discovers they may have only been holding the jokers.

I think this is what gets me so hot...

Here the WS Spouse has Their spouse & the AP yet can't "come clean", Choose one or the other then cries "poor me, I love TWO people, whatever shall I do!!"

 

Well, they are the only ones who TRULY know there feelings.

 

After d-day it felt like my husband held all the cards. He could choose to cheat again, contact her, leave, etc. I think it is the angle you look at it. If I want him to stay and he chooses to leave, he would have the cards. Yet if I decided I wasn't staying with a cheater he would feel I held them.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Whoever is willing to walk holds the cards - if the other person wants to preserve the marriage.

 

Usually, it's the WS who holds them, because the (vast) majority of affairs are never discovered or disclosed (stats are hard to come by, of course, but perhaps 80% or more remain secret). Only upon revelation can the power dynamic shift.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I like the 52 card pick up reply because once the A is exposed, all relationships intertwined become a house of cards that fall all over the place.

 

I would like to believe that The cards everyone "thought" they held were burned to ash and the new relationship (whether R'd M or w/ow) ia built on a better, stronger foundation.

 

Also like the one that replied the holder of the better cards is the one ready and willing to walk away & that could be the BS, WS or OW/om.*

 

thinking you hold "all the cards" in an A is probably the BIGGEST mistake an AP makes...

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

J', from what you've written about MM, I agree with you. He doesn't seem like a person that plays with a full deck. (lol! lovin the card analogies*).

He certainly doesn't come across like a man who is in charge of anything!

He should have left his W years ago before you entered the picture but Especially After!!

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...