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WS Holds "all the Cards"?


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 27th September 2013, 3:44 PM   #31
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seaview,
figure of speech
easy analogies
add some levity
so we can all just try to get through*

sheesh*
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I Fear NOTHING! *
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Old 27th September 2013, 10:09 PM   #32
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Seaview.....I'll take safe and steady heroin, but who DOESN'T want the rush of new, heady, cocaine?

EVERYONE WOULD LIKE THAT.

So, it all comes down to choice.

I have NOT been deliriously happy every day in my marriage. Who has?

I have had ample opportunities to sample cocaine? Who hasn't?

I chose my marriage (heroin) over an affair (cocaine).

MANY of my needs went unmet. I just decided to suck it up, try to communicate it, and hoped my partner would step up to the plate.

If he did not, I did not decide cheating was an option. Although I HAD AMPLE opportunities to sample cocaine.

It's all about commitment and choice , IMO.
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Old 27th September 2013, 10:35 PM   #33
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HEY! what happened to the "lighter" & definitely More fun "card"analogies?! LOL*

J'adore,
I can't possibly know what you've been through or are going through but it's important for me to say this to you;
We "butt heads" a-lot on our different moral stances and views BUT the bottom line is, you are Here, Hurting, like so many of us & that shows that at least You are NOT "bonkers"! From all the different things I've read & continue reading, people are here for clarity, support(even though harsh sometimes) & to see that they are Not alone with their stitch.

To keep with the card theme, I think you deserve a better hand in the tiresome A game w/the MM who's not playing a fair game.

It doesn't appear he'll ever put all his cards on the table...

as the song goes... "You gotta know when to fold'em"...
Sincerely J', you deserve more, but you probably all ready know that too*
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Old 28th September 2013, 7:36 AM   #34
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Actually; I don't think my fWW is holding all the cards. It just turned out that while I thought we were playing Bridge for fun; my wife played a hardcore, no-limit poker game with everything at stake.

I generally don't like to play with cheaters, so I'm trying to figure out if I can change the game, be willing to risk losing it, or if I should just play solitaire. My choice.
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Old 28th September 2013, 4:28 PM   #35
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Spark1111 View Post
Seaview.....I'll take safe and steady heroin, but who DOESN'T want the rush of new, heady, cocaine?

EVERYONE WOULD LIKE THAT.

So, it all comes down to choice.

I have NOT been deliriously happy every day in my marriage. Who has?

I have had ample opportunities to sample cocaine? Who hasn't?

I chose my marriage (heroin) over an affair (cocaine).

MANY of my needs went unmet. I just decided to suck it up, try to communicate it, and hoped my partner would step up to the plate.

If he did not, I did not decide cheating was an option. Although I HAD AMPLE opportunities to sample cocaine.

It's all about commitment and choice , IMO.
I'm confused. Maybe I need to try more drugs. HEROIN is the safe, steady one? Aren't heroin addicts pretty screwed up and unable to function in real life, whereas cocaine addicts are able to function (albeit manically) from day to day?

I feel like the example should maybe be pot and cocaine. Marriage is like pot - slow and steady, not a "rush" most of the time, but calming and supportive. Cocaine is all about that "up" feeling. But pot smokers can be pretty functional, whereas cocaine screws you up over time.

I dunno, maybe I don't have enough experience with drugs to comment on this analogy. Maybe cards work better for those of us who keep it legal.
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Old 28th September 2013, 5:10 PM   #36
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Originally Posted by seaviews View Post
If you think that its only about "holding all the cards", that this is a game of poker, then you will end up with completely predictable solutions like that offered by Sparky: Lawyers, suitcases, your kids in therapy, you in therapy, your house on the market, etc. etc.

But that is NOT the reality.

So because you want to see a complex relationship as a poker game, ill use your own metaphor to show you its way more nuanced.

You WS had A CARD in his/her hand. But it wasnt a very STRONG CARD. For years s/he kept betting on that lousy 6 and kept getting few rewards: something, but no big Jackpot. Thats your marriage. Yeah NICE days, yeah, no big arguments, but no BIG PAYOUT.

So s/he found out she had to play with a different hand. Along came an ACE. A winner. Every hand, aces high. But here is the thing. S/he found out that s/he didnt have to throw IN the 6 to get the ACE. Since the 6 was still bringing in some of the pay, and the ACE was bringing in the BIG CASH, s/he held onto both cards.

After discovery, s/he is holding ALL the cards: because s/he doesn't know WHICH CARD s/he wants to discard. Sometimes s/he does know, but is so addicted to having them both s/he cannot bring his/herself to do it, and sometimes s/he really doesn't know which to chose. The high from constantly winning is seductive and addictive.

It's a gamble, but the better way to look at it is through the metaphor of playing the market: The Marriage was like a solid long-term investment with a pleasant payout of dividends, but the stock market betting on the futures is thrilling, pays out really high, but sometimes crashes.

Therapists who actually work with these kinds of affairs will tell you that the high that your WS gets from the AP is the chemical equivalent of cocaine, while the drug of a routine marriage is heroine. The only solution is to get back on track, get both the heroine and the cocaine at home.
Seaview...I think you misunderstood me.

Many a WS after DDay pays lip service to reconciliation. The beg to come home while remaining addicted to their AP.

They want it all to go back to the way it was during the affair.....cocaine and heroin, aces in both hands, whatever you want to call it.

Many a broken hearted BS wants to believe tha affair is over and the WS's aim to reconcile is true.

too, too many find out it is NOT TRUE. The lies and contact with that AP have remained, albeit, gone further underground.

It can unhinge a person.

MORE marriages blow apart based on how well the aftermath of discovering the affaiir is handled, than the actual having an affair.

call it split-self, call it cake eating, but the confusion HAS to end before the marriage stands a chance.

As long as a spouse is still secretly emotionally invested in another, they are incapable of fully investing in their spouse.

And keep reading. This deception can go on for YEARS.

Lose-lose, BS.

So, for many of us who took a hard line, became unequivocally OH NO, I AM OUTTA here, with or without you, the actions of our WS surprised even us.

Confusion lifted. Marriage with boundaries restored. Counseling ensued. A stronger relationship forged.

All good.

Does that help you?
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