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WS Holds "all the Cards"?


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 25th September 2013, 10:43 AM   #1
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WS Holds "all the Cards"?

After reading many threads on Infidelity, cheating, the players in the A game, it occurred to me that the one player holding all or Most of the cards is the WS.

I think the AP (ow/om) sometimes may think they do ie; sexier or younger or more fun or whatever, but when Push comes to shove or D-day hits, the ap discovers they may have only been holding the jokers.
I think this is what gets me so hot...
Here the WS Spouse has Their spouse & the AP yet can't "come clean", Choose one or the other then cries "poor me, I love TWO people, whatever shall I do!!"

Well, they are the only ones who TRULY know there feelings.
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Old 25th September 2013, 11:07 AM   #2
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Originally Posted by ComingInHot View Post
After reading many threads on Infidelity, cheating, the players in the A game, it occurred to me that the one player holding all or Most of the cards is the WS.

I think the AP (ow/om) sometimes may think they do ie; sexier or younger or more fun or whatever, but when Push comes to shove or D-day hits, the ap discovers they may have only been holding the jokers.
I think this is what gets me so hot...
Here the WS Spouse has Their spouse & the AP yet can't "come clean", Choose one or the other then cries "poor me, I love TWO people, whatever shall I do!!"

Well, they are the only ones who TRULY know there feelings.
Its BS in the traditional meaning of that acronym and the first woman that calls it usually wins that hand.
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Old 25th September 2013, 11:12 AM   #3
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I think that is why you have to take the cards away.

Here's the door and a packed suitcase. Good luck to the both of you.

Then call trusted friends, family, the other BS if there is one, and a divorce attorney for a free consult.

Everyone gets tested for STDs and results are shared with all affected parties.

Kids get signed up for counseling and the WS is invited to attend to.

See how easy that was?

He may THINK he loves two people, but I'm pretty sure I LOVE AND RESPECT myself more than to put up with this nonsense.

if the WS wants to have a conversation about reconciling, it MUST always be prefaced by the BS asking, "Well, how is that therapy going? Any progress on WHY you lied to me for so long?"

This I think, is a good start to ending their confusion, don'tchathink?
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Old 25th September 2013, 11:17 AM   #4
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I think that is why you have to take the cards away.

Here's the door and a packed suitcase. Good luck to the both of you.

Then call trusted friends, family, the other BS if there is one, and a divorce attorney for a free consult.

Everyone gets tested for STDs and results are shared with all affected parties.

Kids get signed up for counseling and the WS is invited to attend to.

See how easy that was?

He may THINK he loves two people, but I'm pretty sure I LOVE AND RESPECT myself more than to put up with this nonsense.

if the WS wants to have a conversation about reconciling, it MUST always be prefaced by the BS asking, "Well, how is that therapy going? Any progress on WHY you lied to me for so long?"

This I think, is a good start to ending their confusion, don'tchathink?
As a Fws, I think this is excellent for several reasons:

1. Of all the people in the "triangle," the one who DESERVES options and choices is the BS - they are the ones who have NOT participated in the lying, deceit, and pig-like rutting.

2. Actions should have consequences. It is the healthy circle of life. I WS SHOULD have to self-examine, show the fruits of remorse, and work their way back. We NEED boundaries and accountability

3. Particularly for women, this stance shows strength in a BH instead of doormatty limbo-ish, spinlessness. A WW WORTH recovering with will be attracted by strength and boundaries and not repelled by it. Let me say that last part again:

A WW who is WORTH recovering with will be attracted by strength and boundaries and not repelled by them. A WW whose hackles rise at the thought of having to have consequences and accountability may not be still actively in an A, but her mind and heart are still wayward.
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Old 25th September 2013, 11:25 AM   #5
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The person who isn't afraid to lose the relationship is the one who holds the cards.

If one person is needy/clingy/desperate to save the relationship...they forfeit their power to change the situation.

If you're willing to move on...typically...you're the one who maintains the power.
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Old 25th September 2013, 11:27 AM   #6
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After my D-Day:

1) Told her I wanted divorce soon afterwards.
2) Her out of the apartment by end of the month.
3) Looked up the laws, drafted my own agreement, negotiated extremely favorable settlement for myself.
4) No contact except for administrative matters.

The key aspect of the above is taking ACTION. D-Day was the worst day of my life, but I hope one day I will look at it as one of my best. It provided me the opportunity to reclaim my strength as a man.
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Old 25th September 2013, 11:35 AM   #7
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Originally Posted by beenkilled View Post
It's easy to see it that way in the beginning (Dday)
You think the WS has all the cards BUT you will soon realize that they are not playing with a full deck!

This made me laugh out loud, but it is so true and a really good description of the confused state A create.

That's why it doesn't pay to listen to or get crazed by stuff like this that comes out of their mouth.
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Old 25th September 2013, 11:47 AM   #8
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I don't play cards.
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Old 25th September 2013, 11:47 AM   #9
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Originally Posted by ComingInHot View Post
Well, they are the only ones who TRULY know there feelings.
I wish this were true. I think I spend half my time trying to figure out my feelings.

Btw, it seems like a good portion of affairs, at least on this forum are between two married people, so you have two WSs involved, which may either simplify or complicate the equation, depending on how it plays out.
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Old 25th September 2013, 2:13 PM   #10
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My WH never held the all of the cards. He just thought he did.

He was wrong.

Now he's playing solitaire.
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Old 25th September 2013, 4:00 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Owl View Post
The person who isn't afraid to lose the relationship is the one who holds the cards.

If one person is needy/clingy/desperate to save the relationship...they forfeit their power to change the situation.

If you're willing to move on...typically...you're the one who maintains the power.
^
This is the real truth. I remember my therapist telling me it was usually the angry BS who had the power because they were THROUGH and ending it NOW. In my case I was so desperate to keep the family intact I gave away all my power and extended the drama for 6 months making me look weak and insane. It really sucks when you have children to protect....messes with your mind.

Anyway, good post OWL. Good to see you again(I was Ninja'sHusband)
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Old 25th September 2013, 4:48 PM   #12
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Right now I feel like we are playing 52 card pick up. We both take turns scattering the deck around.


It is difficult for me to accept that I will never ever know what is truly in my H's mind. What he really felt about the other women. About the attention and sex. I will never know. Not ever. Even if he is telling me the truth I won't believe him.


I want to feel empowered within myself. Not in my M. I don't want to power struggle. I feel more out of control than I ever have. I blame myself. I blame him. I blame the women.


Reminds me of song by Gnarls Barkley.

Crazy -" Come on now. Who do you think you are? Ha ha ha! Bless your soul. You really think you're in control?"
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Old 25th September 2013, 4:51 PM   #13
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Oh my WH definitely ended up with the joker card in the end.

And I am a true believer in this:

Quote:
They only hold all the cards for as long as YOU allow them to.
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Old 25th September 2013, 7:09 PM   #14
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Oh my Gosh!! Best/funniest replies to any thread I've read LMAO!!!
I had a CRAZY busy day otherwise I'd have participated too*

Anyhooooo... I think after exOW outed the A, I picked up all the good cards and booted WH (I guess former by the time I found out*) out dadoor.

But to this day, now that I'm having "triggers" 3.5 years later, I have this thought popping up of, "Dude! what a lame azz coward, liar, cheater to tell both of us All that BULLHONKEY just to get his rocks off w/two women at the same time!"
She bought the bagO'sh*t thinking she was All that more than me, then made My life hell because, well, I don't know why. I mean I DID kick him out and say Go to her... sheesh!
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Old 26th September 2013, 9:40 AM   #15
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lovebites, uhhhh what?
I'm reading you coming off as offended and doing that whole "grouping" thing as if all BS's are the same.
I was exow specific thanks*
and scott free?? ya No. She didn't. She had consequences that she brought on herself. But I believe she Is "better" now. I guess, I Hope she is. No more psycho, crazy A fog at least.
You're probably right about one thing though... she probably does thank her lucky stars that he didn't go to her when I kicked him out and told him to cause she is, I'm sure, way happier now that the smoke has cleared!*
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